We decided to tell her we argued about me leaving swimming. She isn't going to believe it, especially because I'm sure she heard the conversation in the canteen. Even if she didn't, why would Becky tell her that was private. I was overruled by Becky though, admittedly I didn't try hard to persuade her as I couldn't think up a better lie.

Now I'm sat at the same table as my friend, listening to Becky telling her a bare faced lie and I can see that she isn't buying it. I really feel guilty lying to her.

"So, you aren't coming back to swimming?" Charlotte asks me directly.

"No." I say with a little shake of my head.

"Why?" I am thankful she skipped the whole, why fight about it thing, though perhaps that is coming.

"I just found that I like swimming, I just don't like swimming competitively." As soon as I say that I realise I haven't swam since that night. Charlotte is frowning.

"So, it's laziness? You just don't want to work at it?" Of course, she's planning to go to the olympics, I guess it would look that way. Perhaps she actually believes the lie since she might feel like not talking to me herself.

"I just haven't been enjoying the competitions, or hanging around for evening practice." I'm being honest this time but she looks at me with this… weird disgusted look.

"Well, I think you should go away and think about that. I think it's a mistake." She gets up from the table, she doesn't look happy with me and she shakes her head as she walks away.

"Shit." Becky swears as she watches her go. "That could have gone better."

I get up and run after Charlotte. Fortunately Becky doesn't follow me. I catch up with her outside in the carpark. "Charlotte!" I call to her, she stops and waits. "I'm sorry." I say as I come up beside her. "That wasn't the whole truth, can we sit down for a minute?"

We sit at the far side of the carpark. "But it is the truth?" She asks.

"Yeah. But I've been a bit down, since before I fought with Becky, little things are just piling up and I don't know. I just get sad." I haven't told anyone that yet, I hadn't meant to tell her.

"So, what's got you depressed?" She asks, not exactly warmly.

"It's dumb. It started with chemistry, I can't blow stuff up." She frowns but I don't let her interrupt, "I had this thing I was doing, trying to work out a way of accidentally on purpose making something explode. I thought it would be easy but it turns out the whole nanny state school system means we're not using any chemicals that react rapidly and energetically enough."

"Well duh!" She says, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah well, it started with that, then my sister's friends started getting bullied and mum was mad at me for some reason and then I accidentally told Becky I'm gay and then Lucia got pushed down the stairs and some pervert doctor probably wants to look in my vag." It all kind of flowed together. I don't know if she even understood me. She certainly sat for a long time not saying anything.

"Have you got a sexually transmitted dIsease?" She asked eventually.

My mouth unhinged, "What? No!"

"Why do they want to look in your pussy then?" She asks.

"They don't. Not yet. Apparently they do when you're eighteen." I stammer.

"Oh. Yeah." She nods. "You don't have to if it really bothers you though. They say it might save your life."

"Well, I'm happy taking the risk." I tell her, "and I don't really want to talk about that."

"Okay, so you're depressed and you think stopping swimming would help. You know they say exercise is good for depression?" Did she miss the gay part? "It certainly helps me."

"What?" I ask her stupidly.

"You don't think I get depressed? That day when I broke my blade? Holy shit that was a big trigger for me, a huge high then a crushing low. You helped. A lot." I look at her like she just told me the moon was made of cheese. "What?" She asked at my dumb look.

"Sorry, you just seem so… together. I didn't imagine." I guess now that I think about it, she does have a lot going on in her life.

"Message me after school? Or call me, we can talk. I was a bit worried when you cut me off." She says, getting up and brushing off her trousers.

"I figured Becky would have told you and you might not want to talk to me." I say, I'm rather embarrassed about cutting ties like that. "You could have messaged me though."

"Yeah, we're both idiots. I can understand why you would think that. I am a little ticked off by the way. You shouldn't quit swimming." I think she is intentionally ignoring the gay cat that came out of the colourful bag.

"And about the other thing?" I ask.

Her eyes narrow, "It's not news. Not to me anyway. I'm probably happier just leaving it as friends just now though."

Oh my god. I think my brain just exploded. She knew. "Since when?" I really want to ask where people get these gaydar things installed. Hell, I might even consider spreading my legs to a stranger for that… nah, who am I kidding.

"Well, sometimes the looks you give me are… not platonic. I wasn't sure but, I was fairly sure. It certainly didn't surprise me." Charlotte shrugged and I walked her the rest of the way to her next class. As I leave her I stop in the middle of the corridor, other students jostling me because I'm in the way, what did she mean ‘just now’?

"Mum?" I turn the music down a little so she can hear me.

"Yeah?" She asks with a smile.

"Do you think they might let me swim only one night a week?" I ask hopefully, Charlotte's comment about exercise fresh in my mind.

She glances at me, "I can ask. I don't see why not."

"Do you think perhaps I could only go to some of the competitions too?" I really am feeling overwhelmed by the number of days I miss due to swimming.

"Well, we can but ask, can't we." She says happily, I guess she gets those same days back too.

I turn the music back up and sit quietly for a while before making a decision. I turn the music back down.

"Mum?"

"Yeah?"

"You know how Susan is going out with Jo?" I ask probingly.

"Yes." She says in one of those 'what's this about?' tones.

"Are you okay with that?" I ask hesitantly.

"Of course honey. People can't help who they are attracted to. Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?"

I laugh, "No." I tell her and turn up the music again, having slightly lost my nerve.

We stop at the shops on the way home for ingredients for tonight's dinner. Mum and I sneak a chocolate bar with the promise not to tell Anne or dad. We sit on the car bonnet and eat them to ensure we don't get chocolate on the seats.

"Mum?"

She sighs, "Yes?"

"Erm…" my heart is trying to escape out of my throat. "Mum?"

"What?" She asks a little exasperated.

"Would you mind if I was gay?" I squeak out.

She looks at me for a second, "Are you asking my permission?"

I worry my lip a little. "Mum."

She smiles at me and gives me a big hug. "Mum, I think I'm gay." She hugs me tighter and tells me it's okay. "Erm… Mum?"

"Yes honey?" She says, still hugging me.

"I said think, I kind of meant… know. I've known for years." She strokes my hair and the feeling of my heart straining slowly recedes. "Can we not tell dad?"

"That's okay honey." She says, rocking me slightly.

After dinner I go to bed, this time though, I sleep. I sleep the sleep of the dead. Oh how I missed sleep.

I’m not exactly happy when I wake up, but then again I don't feel bone tired either so, win I guess? I am awake early so I message Charlotte, hoping she might be up, she doesn't get back to me so I guess not. I don't contact Becks, I don't know why but she doesn't seem like the person I need to talk to right now.

I look out the window and it's snowing. Wow. It melts as soon as it hits the ground but it gives the back garden a really christmassy feel.

I’m ready for school and have eaten breakfast about an hour early. Mum is amazed.

“Why don't you go take a walk in the snow?” She suggests, obviously wanting me out from under her feet. I shrug and go get my coat, why not? It does look really nice.

The snow makes the neighbourhood almost spooky, it's still quite dark and the streetlights have a weird halo where the light bounces off the snow. It is absolutely silent too, I don't know if the snow is muffling any sound or if it's always this quiet in the morning, I don't tend to walk the streets at this time of the morning to find out.

I end up walking all the way around the block, the cold making my breath fog in the morning air and my uncovered fingers tingle. I stop when I get home, not quite ready to go back in. I look up at the sky and watch as the big fluffy flakes stream past like stars at warp nine. Yep, I’m a geek, I snigger to myself at the thought, perhaps that isn’t such a bad thing.

I really just want to sit on our old swing in the back garden and watch the snow but everything is wet. I really have to do this again when the snow finally decides to lie.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your message, I had squads this morning.” Charlotte explains when I meet her at school. Becky is late so I have a few minutes sitting on the wet wall with my friend to chat. The snow is less magical in the daylight and with all the cars plowing through the slight slush that has formed.

“It’s okay, I went for a walk in the snow.” To tell the truth I am glad she didn't reply, I doubt I would have gone out if she had and I would have missed that experience.

“They say walking is good for depression. I think swimming is better though. You should come to squads with me.” She really is selling the swimming.

“I can't get to the pool that early. I could if I took the public bus but I'm not allowed. Especially that early.” I sigh without meaning to and she looks at me.

“Perhaps you need to talk to your mum? Ask her to trust you. It's only a bus, I use them all the time, you could get one of the new cards, tag on and off, that way you don’t need cash.” I nod, fully intending to talk to her tonight.

“Anne has been allowed to use the bus since she was my age, I don't see why I’m not.” I feel like I'm whining so I take a deep breath. “It would be nice to be able to swim without relying on my parents to ferry me.”

“Banana?” She says, offering me one. I frown, thinking it an odd thing to do. “They have potassium, it's meant to help release some kind of hormone that improves your mood.”

“Oh. Okay then, thanks.” I take the fruit and crack it open. “I’ve always thought there was something a bit lewd about bananas, especially after that youtube video. Have you seen the Shyma music video where she eats things suggestively? Apparently she was arrested for making it.” I ask, looking to change the subject now.

“What? But there are so many music videos where they basically have sex on camera, why would she be arrested for that?” Charlotte asks incredulously.

“Egypt.” I say, as if that explains everything. “Unfortunately the music is awful. Well, not my taste anyway.”

“Wow, I’m glad I live in the UK.” Charlotte says, echoing my own sentiment.

“You know bananas are radioactive?” I ask, continuing the meandering nature of our conversation.

Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I suck at buying presents, I wander around the shops and just can't think what other people may want so I end up getting stuff I think might not go to waste. The only gift I put real thought into was Charlotte’s, she got a tennis racquet so that we can play together once the weather gets better. I was trying to think of something to let her know I appreciated her friendship though so… perhaps it still sucks.

With nothing to take my mind off things I find myself slipping back into my dark moods. I have to work on doing things and talking to people. I’ve never been really good at the talking part. Myself and Becky still aren’t as close as we were, I think she doesn't like that I only go swimming with her once a week now but whatever the reason, we haven't talked or hung out at all during the holiday yet. I think she’s also annoyed that I do go swimming once a week with Charlotte. Mum has finally loosened the reins and allowed me on the busses as long as I tell her where I am going and text her when I arrive. I really prefer early morning swimming, it doesn't eat my whole day.

“Ready to try this 3D printer?” My dad calls from downstairs. He and I got a combined christmas present from mum and we have been putting it together for the last week. It’s something I actually enjoy and dad seems really enthusiastic too.

“Coming!” I yell and bomb down the stairs at top speed, we had been waiting for the Raspberry Pi software to install and dad has been watching it whilst I tidy my bedroom… Well, that's what I was meant to be doing.

This thing is cool, dad got a friend at work to print a bunch of the parts we need for the initial setup, things that hold the motors and rods with bearings and then we have all this aluminium extrusion forming the frame. It's just like a giant really complicated lego set. Dad has even been showing me how to solder.

“So, do you want to do the honours?” Dad asks me, offering to allow me to turn it on for the first time. I grin and flick the toggle switch.

“No blue smoke, that's a good sign.” I say watching as the raspberry pi boots up, code scrolling rapidly up the screen. Its pretty fast to boot and we are left with a black screen.

“I thought it was meant to have a touch screen interface?” I ask dad, its a little bit disappointing.

“Patience grasshopper.” Dad says, going to the laptop and connecting to the Pi.

It takes us about half an hour to get the screen going, it's pretty complex and frustrating. The touch settings are different from the screen so even once we get the cute little octopus on screen the buttons are not in the same orientation as the touch screen and everything is done with a text editor.

Once we get it working we plug in the printer and suddenly we have movement! “Yes!” I scream, jumping up and down. “Let's print something!”

“Hmm, patience you must learn padawan.” Dad says, doing his Yoda impression. “Test the functions we must.”

We spend another half hour setting the bed leveling, end stops and checking all the other settings, there is more measuring than I had expected. To be honest, if dad hadn’t been pushing this project forwards, it likely would have been shoved under my bed and never looked at again!

“I think we might be ready to print something. I think the smallest of the remaining printer parts?” Dad says at last. The printer is running at the moment with the very least possible parts, dad called it the minimum viable product or something. It looks extremely janky though, lots of exposed parts and cables.

We load the 3D print file using the computer, mainly because the interface gives us so much more information. It takes forever to warm everything up so that it can melt the plastic.

“Yes!” We both shout as the machine stutters into life with an odd digital noise and a smell of molten plastic. We watch as the first ten layers go down. Surprisingly it seems to be working perfectly.

“So, did you have fun?” Mum asks, she has come to investigate the celebrations.

“I enjoyed putting it together but this last hour or so was way too boring.” I tell her, “But now we can print objects! It's so cool. Thank you for my present.” I give mum a hug and squeeze real tight, for the first time in months I think I am actually happy. I focus on the feeling, trying to take everything in, it's something Charlotte has been telling me to do, mindfulness, enjoying the feeling of enjoyment or something. At the moment, I am really enjoying this hug.

“And then he said , ‘No, Yoda pants, tiny little trousers for my Yoda doll.’ Everyone was rolling around the room laughing. Honestly, I had been imagining Abdo wearing skin tight yoga pants and doing stretches. It was priceless.” Charlotte is regaling us all with stories from her Christmas break. Some of her stories were very funny, weirdly I can't think of a single funny story from Christmas.

That tight feeling in my chest comes again and as soon as I feel it I stop and think, this is another technique I have been trying out, working out where my anxiety comes from. In this case I decide it is complete FOMO, the fear that I am missing out on happy fun times. I remind myself that I did enjoy Christmas, it was fun and sweet. Just because nothing funny happened doesn’t detract from the fact that I enjoyed it.

“Are you okay?” Charlotte asks me, she must have noticed my introspection.

“Yeah, just thinking that my family isn't as hilarious as yours. I spent a week building a 3D printer with my dad and he did joke around a bit but really it was mainly us having fun doing something we both enjoyed.” I explain, suddenly feeling quite proud.

“You couldn't just have bought one?” Becky asks me, clueless as ever. Most of the boys at the table obviously have the same opinion though.

“We could have, in fact we probably could have gotten one cheaper than mum bought the parts but then we wouldn't have learnt how it works and had the fun of making it. We are still printing some of the bigger cosmetic parts for it.” She is looking at me like I'm insane now.

“You are such a nerd!” She tells me, laughing, it isn't an insult and I laugh along with her.

It's over. The girl who was bullying my sister and her friends just almost killed herself trying to kill Jo. I don't know how much sense that makes but she fell off a cliff! Jo actually saved her, well… called the cops who saved her. I’m not sure I would have. Then again, if I didn't I probably would stress about it until it killed me. Karma.

My phone rings, it's Charlotte. “Hey, sup?” I ask her joyfully, I’m feeling great today, it's like a weight has been lifted. Possibly the last thing I had been seriously stressing about.

“Just thinking it’s a beautiful day. Want to play Tennis? I was thinking of inviting everyone.”

“Hell yes!” I look at my watch, “The next bus is in twenty minutes, how about I meet you at your house when it arrives?” She agrees and I quickly change into my sports gear and grab my racquet.

“Hey mum?” I call, as I run down the stairs. “I’m off to play tennis.” I get the okay and am out the door. I still probably have a quarter hour to walk the two minutes to the bus stop but as she said, it’s a beautiful day.

I stand at the bus stop, enjoying the sun on my face and generally paying attention to how good I feel. You know, life is good.

When the bus finally arrives at Charlotte's house there is a crowd, it's a mix of my friends and Charlotte's but nowadays there is less distinction. There are a couple of courts at the school side by side but I suspect we may be sitting and watching a lot of the time.

“I brought a rug.” Raj tells me as I arrive, “And snacks!” Awesome, his mum makes the best spicy snacks. “Can I share your racquet?”

“Sure, as long as you don't want to play me.” I tell him, happy to share the picnic blanket.

We walk back to the school along the same bus route I just rode, it's a noisy walk with this many people, boys are louder too. Charlotte is challenging them to sprints between lamp-posts and sometimes winning, I'm glad I came already.

When we get to the courts I leave them to it, choosing to sit on the blanket and watch for a while, at least until I see how few people have played before. I guess it's up to me to coach.

"Right! Listen up you idiots!" I shout to be heard, "If you have played before and know the rules then sort out something on court one. If you have never played or can't remember the rules, follow me to court two."

It's almost a fifty/fifty split. I have one girl and five boys to teach. "Okay, we will start with how to hit a ball." It takes me almost half an hour to get the six to the point that they can almost return serves and do a short rally. I'm glad Becky had a massive sack of tennis balls, we seem to be hemorrhaging them over the high fences and I have to send people out to find them every few minutes. Becky really didn't appreciate the jibes about her massive ball sack though.

I don't get to play for almost an hour and by then my arm is knackered from hitting so many serves for people to practice returning. I do win my game though, and the second one too before I retire to the blanket to eat some nice spicy snacks.

"You are very patient." Raj tells me, offering me a bottle of water which I gladly accept.

"It was that or this whole venture would fall apart." I tell him. An image of the chaos that would have been is playing in my mind, very Benny Hill. It was only marginally better just now with balls being hit at about a hundred miles an hour out of the cages every few minutes.

"Well, I appreciate it. I am really enjoying this." He offered me a bag of crispy noodles. "Next time we should play cricket though, then I can be the coach."

I accept that and lie back to watch the slapstick comedy playing out in front of me, living in the moment. I think I'm getting the hang of this depression thing, Charlotte tells me not to get cocky, depression can and will return without warning but I'm practicing all her coping mechanisms and they seem to work.

We had a talk about people with depression being discriminated against, is seems silly to me, Charlotte is one of the most switched on rational people I know but apparently she can't be a police woman, hold a firearms license and a whole bunch of other things. It's madness, just because she sought help. I'm going to try to deal with it myself, who knows what I may want to do in the future. It's probably a stupid thing to do but I don't like being told I can't do something and I don't want to give anyone another reason to look down their noses at me.

A tennis ball sails past my head and Raj and I laugh. I put thoughts of depression aside, today is a very good day, I'm not going to spoil it.

“Okay guys, settle down! I know it's the last day before summer holidays.” The teacher calls from the front of the class. “I have been told there is a general disappointment that chemistry class was missing explosions this year.” My head shoots up so fast i'm surprised I didn't pull a muscle.

“Today we are going to do some demonstrations, this isn't going to be a lab exercise I'm afraid.” He is setting up bottles on his desk at the front. This isn’t in the curriculum, I really want to know if Mae put him up to this. “Because there will be some small explosions, you still all have to wear your safety glasses.”

Everyone shuffles to get their glasses on, I’m fairly sure that Becky is glad for once that I insisted on sitting up front.

“I'm going to show you a few reactions, obviously this is not to be done outside of the lab. If I hear of any of you burning down your house or blowing your hand off I will give you a failing grade for the rest of your school career, no matter how good your exam marks are.” He takes some chalk and starts drawing on the board. “Okay, first up we will be using some potassium permanganate, you will recall we used this to generate oxygen gas earlier in the year?” There were nods and murmurs of agreement.

“Now, when mixed with very finely powdered metals, this produces what is called ‘Flash Powder’; it was used in early photography to produce a bright enough light for the film to react.” He writes KMnO4 on the board. “So, today we are going to do two experiments with this, we will use aluminium powder in one reaction and magnesium in the other.” He writes both on the board. Can anyone tell me which will produce the brightest flash?”

My hand goes up almost without me wanting it, he points at me, “The magnesium should give the brightest flash because magnesium is slightly higher on the reactivity table, it might need more activation energy to get started though, I think it has a higher transition state.”

“Very good, in this case however we do not have the same grade of powder for both metals, the Magnesium is a coarser grade. What effect do you think this may have on the reaction?” He was asking me directly this time.

“It should increase the reaction time and so make it longer lasting but less bright.” I get the warm fuzzies as he congratulates me on a correct answer. Yep, total geek but I decide I’m owning it today.

The explosions are cool, he uses enough that it is impressive.

He then proceeds to demonstrate acetone peroxide, thermite and black powder, using each one as a teaching aid to actually make the class think rather than just to amuse them. I think it was the best and most informative class I have had this year. I really must thank Mae.

"Dad, you know how Anne isn't having movie night this month?" I ask him as he reads the paper.

"Because she is abandoning us to have her own movie night in her flat? Yes, I am aware. Are you wanting to go to her place?" He asks me, seeming a little put out, I think he quite liked having Anne's friends around.

"Not exactly. I was wondering if perhaps I could have friends around for a movie night myself?" He actually looks pleased! Holy crap I thought he would say no.

"Pizza first?" He asks and I nod my agreement. "No boys… hold on… no girls? No, I don't like that either." He looks really confused for a minute. "I don't know the rules anymore."

Mum had outed me to him and to Anne's friends after the last movie night. I had been a little ticked off at her for a while but it seems okay now. I seem to have a handle on my depression too, though Charlotte tells me not to get too comfortable, even in the last six months she had a few episodes which put her in a funk. Now that I know what to look for though I have made sure to be there for her.

"Perhaps mum can make the rules this time?" I suggest as she walks into the kitchen with us.

"What am I making rules for?" She asks, pouring herself the last coffee from the plunger.

"Kelly is having her own movie night. I don't know how boys and girls mixing in a slumber party would be handled in this situation." He admits. I'm actually glad he doesn't know, it's fun to find out together.

"Her friends aren't gay, the boys probably aren't either. How many are you inviting Kelly?" She knows how to ask awkward questions!

"I was thinking of four girls and four boys." Even then I'm going to have to cherry pick. It's amazing to think I didn't believe I would ever have enough close friends to host a movie night just last year.

"Okay, nine people is a lot. I would suggest we say boys have to leave at eight. Perhaps have an earlier dinner to accommodate that. Then the girls can change and watch one more movie after they leave."

I watch dad's face crinkle in confusion. "Why kick the boys out and not the girls?" He asks. I kind of want that answer too.

"Mainly because Kelly's best friends are girls. Also, I trust girls way more than boys." I laugh at dad's indignant spluttering.

“Well, it looks like the batton has been passed.” Dad says, giving me a one armed hug, “You just need to decide what your rules are for choosing films.”

Right enough, I can have any films I want, we aren't stuck with twentieth century classics any more. This is going to be awesome!