It's Anne's birthday this week and strangely she invited me to her party. I'm not complaining, I do want to go but I don't know what changed. She still won't come and support me at the pool but I'm starting to wonder if that is because she feels uncomfortable watching the girls. Almost the opposite of me.

I'm feeling a little bit happier this week and it seems that mum is too, thankfully. Becky and I have been making a point of hanging out with our own friends, it was getting to the point that they felt we had abandoned them.

I don't know what's wrong with me just now, I have this heavy feeling and I just don't feel like doing things. I want to go out with my sister and her friends but equally, I sort of just want to curl up in bed listening to music or watching movies. It seems like so much effort.

Even swimming practice, something which I used to look forward to, I have to force myself to go to and once I'm there I have to force myself to compete. I'm thinking about dropping it. If I do then I suspect Becky is going to be so pissed off with me.

"Catch!" Someone calls a split second before a bag of crisps hits me in the head. I look around and see the boy from swimming waving at me. I forget his name, it could be subconsciously on purpose. I certainly have decided he is my nemesis. I nod in thanks and pick the bag up off the floor, I'm sure it is a nice gesture and all but I don't like prawn cocktail. I wait until he isn't looking and pass them to Becky, she eats anything.

"What was that about?" Becky asks me, to be honest I don't know. Perhaps an apology for hitting on my friends. I shrug, not really caring.

Becky narrows her eyes at me, "You know I like him?" I give her a puzzled look, still silent. "If he likes you and not me I'm going to be mad." Oh great.

She laughs as my head hits the table. "You know I'm not interested?" I ask, head still resting on the cool table.

"Yes. I still won't be happy though." She tousles my hair like my parents do.

"I wish I was allowed to have short hair." I complain, not enjoying people messing up my hair.

"You would look like a dike." I glare at her. "Okay, maybe not a dyke, just… not as cute."

I'm not sure I like that. I know she isn't interested but somehow her calling me cute sparks something. It's probably just jealousy for Anne getting Abby as a girlfriend. That was all me by the way, why can't I work out a way to get myself a girlfriend when I can totally manipulate Anne's friends.

I set my head back on the table, gently this time. Beck's pat's my head like a dog. You know? I'll take what I can get.

"Would you be mad if I quit swimming?" I ask mum quietly on the way home. She gives me a look long enough that I'm tempted to grab the steering wheel. "I guess that's a yes."

"What brought this on? You love swimming. It's the only thing you do love!" She is still paying less attention to the road than I like. I shrug and she sighs. "I don't know Kelly. If you don't tell me what's going on then yes. Yes I would be angry."

I turn away, tears welling up in my eyes. I can't put it into words. Actually I don't even know why myself. I just shrug and mum pulls the car over.

"Kelly. Talk to me. You've been brooding for weeks." I don't think I have. Well… not much.

"I don't know. I just… I'm not … " I shrug.

Mum turns the car off. Oh god. I bow my head, really not wanting this conversation.

"Is it… womanly troubles?" Oh god. Don't go there. Please.

"I have noticed more needed when we go shopping." Oh god, how did we get onto this. I thought it would slip under the radar.

"Not really." I mutter, trying to think of a way to sidestep this conversation. "I just, I feel, it's too much. I don't like the competitions. Or the routine, I don't know. I just." I trail off with mum still staring at me.

"Is there something else going on?" She pierces me with her stare.

"No?" I didn't mean it to come out as a question. She's still looking at me, "I just…" I sigh and look away.

"We paid up until Christmas. If you feel the same way during the school holidays then we can talk again, okay?" I nod, unable to meet her eyes.

***

"I'm thinking about quitting." I tell Becky as we sit at the side of the pool waiting our turn.

She looks at me with a shocked expression, "You can't!"

I frown, "Erm, yes, I can. It's my life, I can do what I want." I really don't like being told what to do.

"But… who would I swim with?" She looks around the pool, right enough, all the other swimmers are sort of boring.

I shrug, "Charlotte? That boy you like?"

She gives me this incredulous look, "Andrew?"

"Maybe." I actually don't know. I think I have wiped his name from my mind through sheer spite.

"I think he likes you more than me."

I give her an incredulous look. "Well he's clueless. I'm not interested."

"He's smart, funny, sexy, he can talk to girls, he likes swimming. I mean, I'm not complaining that you aren't in the competition but, why? He's like, the nicest guy in school."

I look to the heavens, silently asking whatever deity is listening to give me strength. "Because I don't swing that way." I snap. Oh god. I said it. I get up and run, into the changing rooms and then into the toilets. I lock myself in a stall. I can't believe I said that. Tears are streaming down my face. I half expect Beck's to follow me but no. I sit silently for five minutes, the tears eventually stopping. She didn't come. Oh crap.

I dry my eyes and get changed before calling mum. "Can you pick me up early? Please?" She sounds worried but agrees.

When she arrives she asks me what's wrong but I just tell her I had a fight with Becky. It's almost true. If she was really my friend she would have come. She would have talked to me.

Now I know what Anne felt that night. That desperate wish that I could change school. That feeling I have had in my chest for the last few weeks now feels like an anchor, dragging me down into the depths.

I really don't want to go to school next week.

It's Anne's birthday.

I want to talk to her but it would be unfair, loading her with my issues when she is meant to be having fun. I feel like I should be crying all the time. I have cried a lot, way too much.

I hand Anne my gift and give her a pathetic little smile, it's all I can manage. I see mums concerned look from across the room. Anne unwraps my gift, makeup. I feel it's kind of pathetic as gifts go. She doesn't wear makeup but I thought, perhaps, she might like to dress up for Abby. She thanks me as if it is the best gift ever and I make an excuse to leave. I cry on the toilet again. God I'm pathetic. I'm going to talk to Jo or Susan, certainly not Abby because it would get back to Anne.

I manage to get myself together, we are going for burgers with the girls and having red eyes would be super embarrassing. I really want to stay home but mum really wouldn't like that. I use some foundation to try and cover the puffy eyes. It doesn't work but I guess it's better than nothing.

Mum gives me a suspicious look as I return but dad is taking us to the burger joint. We pick Abby up on the way and I'm pretty sure she has pulled all the stops, she's looking pretty hot. She is wearing makeup and as nice an outfit as you could wear ice skating, it's not like she could wear a dress.

When we arrive I am rather disappointed. There's a boy. I shouldn't judge but I was hoping Jo had been right back when I first met her, obviously someone likes boys though.

I sit quietly, listening to the conversation but not joining in. Nobody seems to notice I'm not talking much which suits me fine. I really don't feel like I have anything to add to the group today. I pick at my food, I only ordered chips where some of them, especially the boy, ordered enough to feed an army. The chips aren't even that good.

Somehow the boy has inhaled all his food and polished off the leftovers from everyone else's plate. I don't understand where it all went, there must have been almost half his weight in food pushed down his throat. If he eats like this all the time why isn't he super fat?

Since the food is gone there is an easy consensus that it must be skating time. I'm not sure why I'm not excited, normally I love ice skating and this time it's with a group of cool, interesting, pretty girls who talk to me. I find myself sighing as I pick up the skates.

"Hey, cool docs!" Oh god, of all the people to notice my cool new shoes, it's the boy.

"Thanks." I say halfheartedly.

"I wanted a pair but my mum won't let me. Says I would ruin them. Brian by the way."

I nod as he introduces himself. "Kelly. You can't ruin Docs, they're almost indestructible." I tell him, I have yet to test this claim but I am told they last forever.

"That's what I told mum but she says I can't wear them to school either so I'm not allowed them." I look over and notice that he does appear to be wearing his shitty school shoes too.

"Unlucky. I could wear mine but I choose to keep them for outside school." It's one of the benefits of not having a school uniform that I love. Actually, the only reason school uniforms are good is that the girls look cute in them.

He looks like he wants to talk more but I cut him off, possibly quite rudely. "I'm going out on the ice." And then I just leave. I don't even know why I did that, he was nice, it wasn't like he was flirting with me or anything. I step onto the ice and run, I go as fast as I can possibly go. I don't want people to dance with me, or talk to me, I just want to be alone. The thoughts running through my head are on a loop. It's like a dog worrying a bone. I can't seem to get myself not to think about last Sunday, then I think about all the ways my next meeting with Becky could go wrong. I think about Anne and the bullying, about my conversation with Jo where she told me kids can be pricks. Is it going to be all around school by Monday? Then I think about why I said it and how it could all have gone differently, why Becky didn't come to talk. Round and round and round. It was the same last night, I don't know if I slept, it didn't feel like it.

I see my sister making a beeline towards me and I push myself faster, running away. I pretend that I'm strong, even to myself but I'm not. I can't do this.

I get off the ice and hide in the toilets. I don't want to be here. I can't believe I'm even thinking that, if I had known I would get this invite a few months ago I would have bitten off my left arm to come. Now look at me.

When finally I work up the courage to face them again I find them all standing in the foyer. God I hope they aren't looking for me, that's just what I need, ruining my sister's birthday because I slunk off to cry in the toilet.

I sneak up behind and find Mae, "What's going on?" I whisper.

"Some girl has been knocking us over, she's intentionally targeting our group. You didn't get knocked down did you?" Mae obviously didn't notice my absence. I am both pleased and upset by that. At least I'm not in trouble.

"So, what are they doing?" I ask her. Tempted to just go out on the ice and thump this girl, it would be nice to just let go of all my tension with a few good fists to someone's face.

"The manager is sorting it out, I think. I'm pretty sure I'm going out on the ice with Susan to act as bait so that he can catch her." She doesn't look concerned. Perhaps she is just super confident in her skating, or her ability to fall over without hurting herself. I have another brief racist thought which disgusts me, wondering if Mae knows martial arts, as if all people of Asian descent learn Kung Fu.

In the end, it all gets handled in a very grown-up and sensible fashion, I think my way would have been more satisfying though. It even managed to break my thought loop for a short time. Eventually, though, we get a bit more time on the ice, the girl who was knocking the girls down gets her parents called and everything goes back to normal.

It's a scary reminder that bullying can happen anywhere, not just at school. We're just lucky no one was hurt and that it was in a public place. Hell, that girl is old enough to drive I think, she could just as easily have decided to knock us all down with a car.

"You okay Kelly?" Anne asks me out of the blue.

"Yeah, she didn't hit me at all." Anne takes my comment as I meant her to, as if I weren't bothered psychologically by the incident. Let's face it, I'm fucked up already, it's a drop in the ocean.

I have managed to avoid Becky for three days. Not a simple task considering the number of classes we share. She doesn't seem to be trying really hard to talk to me either though. I've been sitting at the opposite side of the class from her and leaving at almost a run as soon as the bell rings.

She hasn't messaged me, I suspect that speaks volumes.

I have been eating my lunch on the way to the library each day, that's where I've been spending my breaks and lunches. I'm avoiding Charlotte too. Mainly because Becky hangs out with her but also because I don't want to explain my sudden aversion to all things Becky. Fortunately, my other friends talk to me, not that I have been hanging out with them much, I don't feel much like chatting.

I hacked the computers, in fact, I hacked the entire student directory. On the first day I tried. On the first break. It was so easy that it wasn't fun, someone left the build server file share unprotected, it has a file in there with a standard password for local admin on every computer they build, in clear-text. It turns out they reused that password as the administrator password for the domain. I reactivated a deleted user account and changed some details, reset his password and then granted him delegation rights. Now, even if they change the main password, I can just fire up that user and create myself a new admin account.

I may have also deleted a few detention records from my own folder, and from the backups, and from shadow copy. I'm halfway thinking about securing their network for them now that I'm in. It would at least give me something to do.

Mae knows something is up with me. She is here almost as often as me. I checked her file on the computer, she actually is the goody two shoes she seems to be. That or she also hacked the computers.

I'm tempted to get her to introduce me to the geek clubs she is a member of. Not seriously tempted, just bored enough that the thought goes through my head.

The shit is going to hit the fan tomorrow though, mum is working late. She's going to expect to pick me up from Becky's.

I really hadn't expected a day after dismissing Mae’s extracurricular hobbies as too geeky I find myself pleading with her to join.

"Please Mae, just this once?" She has a debating thing which meets after school which could get me out of going to Becky's house. For some reason, she doesn't seem to want me as a member though.

"I don't know what this thing is you have going on with all your friends but I don't want to be involved. Not even tangentially." God Mae likes using big words. I assume from context that means a little.

"If you don't I'm just going to hang out at school and get mum to pick me up outside. It's not like it will change the outcome. I just might mean I keep warm and learn something whilst doing it." I am appealing to her inner geek. I also don't want to hang around outside, it's really cold.

"Fine but you're actually going to debate. I'm not letting you sit on the sidelines." She rummages in her bag and pulls out a plastic slip folder from which she pulls a sheet of paper. "You are arguing for funding of faith schools." She hands me the paper and I have a quick look.

"Oh god no! Why do I have to argue for them? After this whole thing with Lucia how could I argue for state funding of faith schools?" I can't believe she would do this. She is absolutely trying to discourage me from going, and it's working.

"That's my requirement, you want to attend then that's what you need to do." She gives me an evil smile as she walks away.

Right, I guess I need some arguments in the for category. I get back on the computer and do some google-fu, hating every second of it.

"I put to you that under a quarter of the schools in Britain are non-religious. If we were to drop funding this leaves schools with a choice, stop religious education as part of their curriculum or start charging parents for tutoring. I am of the belief that this would cause two serious issues: a drop in the standards of education in underfunded, poorer religious communities and a temporary but serious pressure on the quarter of the schools who are funded to take new students, again likely lowering the overall quality of education." I at least found some non-religious reasons for retaining funding. "I also make note that there are more students in schools claiming to be of the Anglican church than the entire Anglican congregation as registered in last year's census. As such, I propose an expansion instead of new state-run schools to offer an alternative to religious establishments which may be the closest or even only viable schools which people have in a town or suburb."

"Have you considered pressurising the schools by a gradual decrease in funding?" My opponent asks.

"I have, and though that may gradually allow pupils to move to state-funded faith agnostic schools, this will not change some parents' insistence on religious education. This is evidenced by the number of unregulated Muslim schools, these schools currently educate one hundred thousand students each year. They are also not vetted as to their teachings, I posit that this would eventually become the norm in religious schooling."

"Are you aware that religious schools across the country almost all have less low socio-economic students than state-run schools? How do you rationalise funding these schools the same as the atheist schools with poorer students?" I was looking forward to this one.

"I propose the removal of tax credits to churches as charitable institutions. The English church for instance generates one billion pounds of revenue each year, most of which is used to fund the church, not to help its practitioners." That has been an argument I have had for years.

We go on like this for a few minutes, filling out allotted time and somehow I win the debate whilst also not having to argue something that goes against my worldview. For the first time this week, I feel invigorated, oh shit, I am a geek. Perhaps I should join the Dungeons and Dragons crowd too. I wonder if there are any hot girls that play tabletop games? Actually, I wonder if there are any girls?

"Well done. I honestly didn't expect you to be that good. I was really just trying to push you into talking to your friend." Mae tells me, it's nothing I didn't realise. "You should come back next fortnight. I could give you a topic you might like better this time?"

"I think I would rather keep it casual. I can't tell when mum will be early after all." It's a cop-out, I'm quitting swimming so I'm sure mum would be happy to swap days, especially if it's only once a fortnight.

I listen to the rest of the debates, some of the people are really bad at this. I guess it's all about research and confidence, this is all ‘one Vs one’ debates tonight but Mae tells me they do have longer team events. I think I prefer the short format though I can see the appeal for some of those poor stammering fools I've been listening to.

I'm pleased when mum picks me up, another full day avoiding Becky. Just thinking about that gives me a lump in my throat. God, I miss her.

Mum insists that I run through my debate, she seems unreasonably proud of me. Either that or she thinks I'm lying to her, which I guess I sort of am. She seems interested in the subject though, probably because she has one girl in a non-religious school and another in a Church of England run school. Anyway, it passes the time whilst we drive home and distracts me from my never-ending thought loop. It's like a recursive for loop in programming, I just can't break out.

"Heya we're home!" Mum calls as we enter the house.

"Just in time, dinner is almost ready." Dad says, accompanied by a clatter of dishes in the kitchen. Mum immediately goes to help and I sneak off to my room.

As I pass Anne's bedroom I see her laying on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. "That bad a day?" I ask her, halfway considering a segway to my own issues.

"Dad made me a spy cam on the weekend after the ice-rink thing." She said, not looking at me.

"I know, I was there." I stare at her in puzzlement.

"Lucia got pushed down the stairs. I wasn't there." She says, still talking to the ceiling.

"Is she okay?" I ask, genuinely shocked and concerned, I like Lucia.

"She's in hospital with broken bones. She could have died." I cover my mouth with my hand. I don't know why people do that but it's my first reaction. I can't speak, that heavy feeling is back in my stomach.

"It's all my fault." She says, I know differently. She didn't start this, it was all me being a manipulative cow.

"Did anyone see?" I manage to choke out.

"She was alone, they don't know how long she lay on the ground before the teacher found her, struggling to breathe. She's got a concussion too." I see a tear leak out of Anne's eye and suddenly they are streaming down my face too.

I hug her for what seems like a lifetime. Her laying lifeless on the bed, not returning my hug, me crouched by the bed and holding on for dear life. It seems petty now, the thoughts of my own troubles.

"Girls! Dinner!" Mum calls. We dry our eyes and Anne moves for the first time.

"Have you told dad?" I ask her before we leave her bedroom.

"No, I'm not sure I should. I don't want them to pull me from school." It makes sense to me, it wouldn't be fair on the girls she leaves behind.

We spend a minute at her mirror, tidying up our faces and hiding the traces of tears using the makeup I gave her as a present.

Dinner is quiet and neither of us eats much. I feel really bad because dad cooked enchiladas and I'm sure they are wonderful but I just have no interest in food.

After dinner we both go to our rooms, I'm sure it looked odd to our parents, invasion of the body snatchers odd, but neither one comes to check on us and I'm left with another thought to add to the repeating track in my head.

Someone just pushed Lucia down the stairs at school, all because of what I started. If Anne hadn't made friends with Jo. She could have died. That guilty feeling is back. I actually cried last night, I don't know what to do, I don't think there is anything I can do. Dad made Anne a spy cam for her backpack. He told me it was just to make her feel better but it makes it feel real, like it might happen to my sister.

I put my diary away, somehow it helps, I never thought I would be the type to pour my heart out to a book but at times like this, just admitting how scared I am for the friends I see once a month and of course my sister, it makes me feel a little better.

I like Lucia, when Anne told me her mum was so anti-gay I couldn't believe it, Lucia obviously doesn't share her mother's bigotry. I actually didn't realize it was still a thing, the modern pro-gay rights movement is really helping but obviously there are still people who would rather we not exist.

I drag my heels getting ready and mum is hugely impatient, somehow going to school today just doesn't feel right, as if I should be cowering in a corner.

"Will you get a move on? Just take your shoes and put them on in the car." Mum really isn't patient this time of the morning.

I throw all my stuff in my bag and carry my hairbrush and shoes to the car. Mum truly is in a rush, she backs out of the drive as soon as my door closes and the tires squeal as she pulls away.

"You know we aren't even one minute late?" I ask her dejectedly whilst putting on my seatbelt as the car tings its warning bell. She just grunts at me. I'm not sure why she is annoyed, it could be something I have done or perhaps she heard about Lucia’s fall and is pissed that Anne didn't tell her. Perhaps it's just PMS.

We drive in silence, not even playing music today, mum really must be mad. I try to be unobtrusive whilst brushing my hair and putting on my shoes. Honestly, it would have taken me all of two minutes to do at home. I pass the time by staring out the window, not wanting to make mum even angrier somehow. I guess this is how dad built his resistance to the silent treatment!

According to dad this morning I have been distant all week, at least he noticed.

I feel even worse now. I seem to be spending most of my life in bed but somehow I haven't been sleeping. We just had an HPV jab. That in itself is nothing special but of course, I had to do my research into what they were injecting us for. Don't get me wrong, my newly added anxiety isn't from the injection, no I am bricking myself over what the national health system thinks they are going to do to me once I become 'sexually active'. There is no fucking way a stranger is peering into my vagina. No. Not in your lifetime. God damn it, it's probably four or five years away and already every time I think about it my heart rate rises and I start to panic.

Fuck them, I'm just not registering at a doctor's. They can go fuck themselves.

I manage two more weeks without Becky and two very boring weekends. I don't even know why now, that particular drama has sunk into the recesses of my psyche and my thoughts are mainly on other things, primarily on my older friends and the danger they are in. I have taken to makeup to hide the black rings under my eyes, worse still I am covered in spots. Mum says it's the time I spend in bed but it's probably the foundation I use daily.

"I'm getting worried about you now Kelly." Mae says, sitting at my little table in the library. "It's not like you, hiding in the library. That's my thing."

"Yeah, emulation is the greatest form of flattery." I mumble, half-heartedly reading my borrowed chemistry textbook.

"You have to face her sometime." She tells me, as if she knows why I'm here.

"Nope. Don't." I mumble my disagreement.

"Want to explain the situation? Perhaps I can help?" She leans forward, well inside my personal space.

"Not a chance." I say clearly.

She gets up, blessedly leaving me alone. Then she leaves the room walking with purposeful strides. Oh shit. I just realised where she's off to.

I pack my books away hurriedly and take off at a run but the librarian shouts at me, she makes me stand still for what seems like the entire remainder of the break. When she finally releases me she insists I walk, not even speed walk, and she stands at the door to ensure I am walking all the way down the corridor. She's in cahoots with Mae, I swear she is.

By the time I get to the canteen, I am too late. Mae is there and is already talking to Becky, I hang back at the edge of the room, ready to flee but too concerned at what might be said. There are a lot of words being said but I can't hear any of them, the boys sure seem interested though.

Mae looks around and I drop into a nearby seat, confusing the fourth years sitting at the table. It works though, she misses me in the crowd, then she pulls Becky out of her seat to her disgust, I can just imagine the words coming out of Becky's lips as she briefly protests the manhandling. She wasn't looking for me, at least I don't think she was, it seems like she was looking for a quiet place to shout.

I sneak closer, going from table to table when their backs are turned until I am so close I can hear the stage whispers. Oh god, I'm done for. Everyone in school can hear this conversation.

"So, tell me about the boy." Mae starts, she's guessing, I haven't told her anything but I suppose most best friends fall out over boys.

"It's not about a boy." Good girl Becky, tell her nothing. "Not really." I groan and bury my head in my arms and groan.

"No, not really, but that started it didn't it?" Mae is good at this interrogation thing. I think she must watch a lot of crime dramas.

"I just told her he was into her." Becky states, crossing her arms.

"But she was very much not into him?" Mae surmised.

"You could say that." Becky admitted, somewhat quieter than before.

"And you didn't like who she is into, did you?" I was straining to hear now, which was good, really good.

"No." Becky admitted. I knew it, she's a homophobe.

"And it made you mad at her?" Mae asked, obviously not quite making the intuitive leap, thankfully.

"Not mad, just embarrassed." Becky corrected her.

"Mmm-hmm?" Mae was just hoping she would tell her now. I could see it happening and it made me cringe.

"Well, I don't feel that way about her." Wait, what, rewind that a second. Becky thinks I was saying I fancied her! Oh shit.

"I'm sure she understands. Do you want me to talk to her about it?" I whip my head around, I'm not sure I can let them take this any further.

I get up from my seat and approach them, taking them both by the hand, "Come here you idiots, we need somewhere not surrounded by the entire school." I lead them out, getting a few turned heads doing so.

I don't speak, or let go, until we are at the furthest edge of the playing field, with a view a hundred meters each side and nobody anywhere in earshot.

"I do not fancy you, you twat!" I tell Becky, whacking her up the side of the head.

"Well, why would you run away?" She asks me, Mae takes a step back, seeing my murderous intent.

"Because I just told the first person who matters something very personal!" I want to hit her, I really do.

"So you don't fancy me? Why not?" That makes me burst out laughing.

"I just don't. It probably helps that I know you are so firmly hetro that you can't even imagine my point of view." I turn away, a little frustrated at the turn the conversation has taken.

"So...Is this your girlfriend?" She asks, pointing at Mae.

"What? No! This is Abby's friend. She saw me hiding in the library." Mae looked a little dejected. "Not that I wouldn't love to go out with you Mae, you are really nice and really cute." I tell her, trying not to offend, "I'm sorry, but I think I'm probably just too young for her." Mae's face is a picture, she looked like she would complain I wasn't interested and now she doesn't seem to know what to say to my admission that I think she is cute. "I'm fairly sure she likes boys though."

"So… Charlotte?" Becky asks, clutching at straws.

"Charlotte doesn't seem interested, she was chatting up swimboy at the competition the other week." I tell her, not meaning to let out that I was interested in her.

Becky's face gets that lightbulb moment, "You were jealous! Holy crap, I wondered why you ditched us." She looks at Mae, "And she threw her heats so she didn't have to sit with us."

I wish I had, reality was I just swam terribly. I turn to walk away in embarrassment but Becky catches me. "How do you know she isn't interested in you? She wasn't chatting him up, she was just chatting. He's been her friend for years."

"Just drop it, please? I've given up. None of our friends are dating, nobody we know is gay, put the two together Becky. I can just not date and it will be far easier." She is looking at me like I'm something stuck to her shoe. Something both sticky and stinky.

"But now that we know! We can find out who's gay, you can't just not date, it's high school!" She wails.

I look surreptitiously at Mae, knowing she hadn't dated anyone in high school and it was her final year. "I can and will not date. It's too painful and too embarrassing."

"Not to mention, I'm pretty sure Lucia is switching schools. It would be really bad if we couldn't talk to her too." Mae says, backing me up.

"Who is Lucia?" I forgot I hadn't mentioned 'the incident' to Becky since we weren't talking.

"Anne's friend-"

"And mine!" Mae cuts in. "Her mum is really anti-gay so she isn't allowed to talk to Susan and Jo anymore and she can't come to movie night."

Becky looks at me for clarification, "Susan is Lucia's best friend and Susan just started dating Jo, a girl from their class." I explain quickly.

"Is this what turned you gay?" Becky asks. Now I really want to hit her, I think she sees that because she backs away.

"I have always been gay Rebecca."

"Oh, right…" I'm fairly sure now she is thinking of all the times we were naked together.

"So, her friends being gay is enough for her parents to send her to a new school? That seems fairly extreme." I suspect Becky is hoarding the nudity question until we are alone.

"Someone pushed her down the stairs and she broke a few bones. Her mum is using that as a reason to move her." Mae tells her.

Becky's eyes widen, "Shit, I thought this school was meant to be the rough one."

"Damn, the bell is about to ring. How about we discuss this at second break?" It's nice, being able to talk again.

"What about Chaz." Becky asked.

"You shortened her name? I am not calling her that, it sounds like some eighties Australian soap character." Mae laughs at my comment.

Becky looks insulted. "You shorten my name all the time. Anyway, it's better than Lotte!" She argues as we walk back to the school.

"I think I'm going to stick to Charlotte, I like that way better." I tell her.

"I concur." Mae agrees in a weird way, as if she were debating.

"My question was, what do we tell 'Charlotte'? I assume you don't want to tell her the truth, she will want a reason though." Becky reiterates I choose to believe this means she conceded the name change was dumb.

"What did you tell her?" I had assumed she just told her everything, obviously, my opinion of Becky was pretty low.

"I told her it was private between us and I couldn't tell her without your permission." Yep, Becky is a better friend than I had thought, certainly better than I deserve. "She will want to know though."

Just then the bell rang, forestalling any further conversation. "Library at break then?" I suggest as we go our separate ways.