Hey.

Been a while, huh?

Yep. I've been gone and I'm sorry.

There was a lot of shit just kept coming all at once so I needed a little break. That little break kept getting increased because of things that just kept pushing me deeper and deeper into depression.

The panic attacks have died down and I kinda accepted the fact that we're all finite beings that just exist. That took awhile to grasp but it's been even harder to accept. There were times where I'd just stay up at night and just think about how my pets would die before me, how my parents would go before I went, and some extra dark shit.

I submitted myself to some facts in life and I’ve tried super fuckin hard to reject others. One fact I submitted myself to was that my grandfather has cancer and a fact I tried to reject was that I have trouble saying the letter E after saying the letter N. Weird thing for you guys to know but I feel like sharing so take this full force big donkey dick attack or take it and probably cry about it in a few days cause lube was not on hand.

There were times where I was just lying in bed thinking about what would happen if I were to die.

I’m not talking about suicide. I'm talking about a natural death from like old age or some shit.

Visit https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html and search for your countries hotline.

Lifes pretty cool and you're cool too.

Back to the topic at hand.

So I was just thinking about dyin bruh. Ok, jokes aside.

I was thinking about what I would be leaving behind in the possible future if I were to die in a hospital surrounded by people that I loved and had loved me. Everything just started to go speedy fuckin gonzales in my brain.

I was thinking about what my kids faces would look like if I even had kids in the future. I thought about what my thicc-robo mommy milky goth girlfriend would look like….jesus christ I’m fucking lonely.

But really, I started to think about the possible futures I could have in this very moment.

A future where I actually never told Ty I loved her.

A future where I got killed from doing dumb shit.

A future where I took that music scholarship and did something I hated for a living.

A future where I actually confessed to Lak.

A future where I never stuck a finger in my ass because I thought I had anal cancer.

A future where I just went down the wrong path.

It all was just flying in my head and it just keep making me cry and shit. Especially that 2nd one. I’m quite literally so lucky to be alive right now. Like, I’m supposed to be practically buried 6 feet below the ground right now but I guess good parenting overrides fate.

What I’m trying to say is that life was going fast but my mind was going faster. I was thinking too far ahead of myself.

I should've kept my pace instead of trying to match others.

This led to me tripping when shit started happening. A pebble started becoming a fucking boulder and I didnt have a sledge hammer to break that shit away at the time. Couldn't really walk around the boulder cause it would have taken years to pass.

So I did the only sane thing to do. I started walking into it as hard as I could. Pretty dumb but right now I’m almost through it.

All I gotta do now is embrace some other stuff then I can get back to writing for you guys.

But if it comes to the worst of the worst then I might take a another break.

It is what it is.

TL;DR: Got depressed cause bad shit kept happening to me but now I’m kinda back on track.

Thank you for reading this little nonsense post.

Just wanted to type words.