I ended up sitting in Loki's lap, straddling him, which helped calm me down some. I was nervous, extremely so. It wasn't that I thought that Loki knowing would actually change how he felt about me, but there was always that 'what if' fear.

"Are you sure?" Loki asked and brushed some hair away from my face.

"For the millionth time, yes." I told him with a small teasing smile. "But you can only see HYDRA. You can't go any further."

"I know, I won't." He assured me. "Come here."

Loki pulled me down to lay against his chest. He hugged me to him for a moment and just let me breathe. After a few more seconds, he brushed his fingers through my hair, moving it away from my face, and tilted my head up to look at him.

"If you want to stop at any time-"

"I'll use our safe word." I interrupted. "Seriously, I'm ok. I'm ready to do this." I gave him a reassuring smile as he looked at me and sighed heavily.

"Alright." He said after a second and leaned into kiss me. I was about to roll my eyes at how breakable he was treating me, but as soon as his lips touched mine I was sent back to my first day at Hydra.

It was like watching a movie in fast forward and slow motion all at the same time. It was following my point of view, but from a spectators perspective. The year and a half I was with HYDRA flashed through my mind. It was a bit overwhelming, but since I was watching it like a movie, it wasn't like I was reliving it. Nothing would be as bad as my nightmares though.

I saw through my training and fighting Steve in the mall. My first kill at HYDRA being my trainer and then my first assignment. Meeting the Winter Soldier and training with him. Learning to be comfortable with each other and our strange way of communicating. Our missions together... Prague. Then the bridge fight with Natasha, Steve, and Sam. The night I spent worrying before project Insight started... All of it.

When Loki finally pulled away, I was in a daze. It took me a minute to remember where I was. When I finally came to my senses, I saw Loki staring off, deep in thought. I took a deep breath in and rubbed at my eyes to wipe away the last of my fuzziness.

"Barnes thought you were his sister?" Loki asked. It surprised me. I didn't think that was going to be the first thing he asked.

"Mmhmm," I hummed. "I asked Steve about it later and he said it was my eyes and the way I smiled." I continued. "I didn't mean to confuse him though."

Talking about Bucky made my chest hurt. I missed him. I just hoped he was doing alright... wherever he may be.

"I thought..." Loki trailed, his hands moving to my hips.

"I know." I told him softly. "But I told you it wasn't like that, for either of us."

"You have a bond with him that I could never want." Loki said, still not looking at me. His eyebrows were furrowed as he continued to think.

"What do you mean, my prince?" I asked, confused. I tilted my head to the side and into his line of sight, so that he would look at me. When he finally did, I wasn't ready for the emotion behind his eyes.

"You are bonded through trauma." He explained. "I would never want you to be bonded to me like that. I would never wish for something so awful to happen to you just to have that bond."

"Oh," I mumbled before taking a breath in. "But I'm bonded to you in other ways." I supplied.

"Yes," Loki smiled and chuckled a bit. "And how very thankful I am." He told me. His hand went into my hair to pull me into a kiss.

His lips were cool against mine. He was gentle at first before becoming more aggressive and needy. I knew where this was leading and quickly felt the heat of arousal spread through me.

...That was until Dr. Raynor's voice popped into my head. 'You're using sex as an escape.'

I pushed Loki back and huffed in frustration, knowing Dr. Raynor was right.

"What's wrong?" Loki asked worriedly and brushed his thumb over my bottom lip.

"Nothings wrong." I told him and shook my head a little. "I just want to show you one more thing." I said. I wanted him to know why I worked so hard to get to Bucky. Why I had to.

"What is it?" Loki asked.

"I want you to see what could have happened." I explained. "I need you to understand."

"Alright," Loki said slowly, "then show me."

"Ok," I told him, just as slowly, as I leaned in and pressed my lips against his again.

Nothing happened for a moment. I got so nervous that my mind went blank. It was strange. The hardest part was already over, but showing Loki what my life before him looked like made me nervous. I was boring before this. I was a comic book, science nerd that had way too many hobbies.

'Guide me.'

I heard Loki's voice in my head. I forced my spiraling thoughts to focus on the memory I wanted him to see and suddenly I was back in my childhood home.

The lights of the living room were off. The only light coming from the television screen. Dad had to work late that night, so it was only me and my mom.

I was sitting on the carpeted floor in front of my mom while she sat on the couch and did my hair. We were watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It had just come out of theaters and, although I had seen it opening weekend, it was my moms first time watching it.

I loved when she asked questions because I got to geek out and explain things to her. I'm pretty sure she asked more questions than she needed too just because she knew I loved to talk about it.

The scene where Bucky was strapped into the memory suppression machine came on and I watched with interest. I clearly didn't feel the same way about the scene then as I did now. Now I felt sick if I even thought of it, but little me didn't feel that strongly. I was sad, but it was just a movie to me then. If only I knew just how real it could be.

"Why is he leaving?" My mom asked towards the end of the movie.

"Because he's confused." I explained. "He can't tell which memories are real anymore."

"So he's running away?"

"Yep." I told her.

"Well, that sucks." My mom grumbled. I turned to look at her and laughed at her frown.

The memory fell away as I was pulled back to reality. I felt just as dazed as I did before, but now I also felt exhausted.

"Was that..." Loki started to question.

"My mom." I said with a sad smile. I talked very little about my parents. It was hard to think about them, but the memories were all I had left of them.

"She's beautiful." Loki commented.

"Ya," I agreed as I laid against Loki's chest. "She is."

"You look just like her." Loki told me.

"I do?" I questioned and tilted my head up to look at him.

"You do." He said again with a smile and chuckled when I yawned. "My seidr drained you." He continued. "You should get some rest." He told me and summoned a blanket to pull around me.

"Loki?" I mumbled tiredly.

"Hm?" Loki hummed in question.

"Do you understand?" I asked. "Why I had to go?" I waited for him to answer, but he was silent, so I continued. "You were tortured for a year. Bucky was tortured for seventy. I couldn't let them do it again." I told him. "I just couldn't." I said in a quiet sob, begging for him to understand.

"You don't have to explain it to me." Loki told me softly and ran his fingers through my hair. "I will never truly understand. I am not good like you are. I know you felt you had to help him, though. I apologize for my behavior when you came back. You needed trust and love and I came at you with skepticism and jealousy."

"You did the best you could. It would have been different if I could have told you more." I commented before yawning again.

"You're fighting exhaustion." Loki told me. "Sleep, we'll talk more later."

His fingers brushed over my hair and I finally closed my eyes. I was starting to get lost in the feeling of his warmth and the feel of his fingers in my hair, until he suddenly stopped.

"Sammee?" He whispered carefully.

"Hmm?" I hummed without opening my eyes.

"Can you show me more memories with you and your parents?" He asked. "I don't mean now, but eventually. Will you?"

I nodded as I curled myself around him.

"Sure."