Chapter 4: Loopholes

There was a flash of light and a terrible explosion.

“What was that!” screamed Bob!

“Blessings of St. Peter” said Juan.

Something glittering started to fall from the sky.

“Is that a shooting star?” asked Jazz.

“Check that out,” said Lefty, “I think it’s gold.”

“Take cover,” screamed Jazz.

Gold mouthed Bob.

“My dreams have come true!” said Lefty, “It is raining Gold.”

Then, a piece hit Lefty.

“Ouch. That’s smarts.” said Lefty rubbing his forehead.

“Ouch!” said Jazz. “Whoever thought it would be cool if it rained gold, didn’t think it through.

“I don’t know,” said Juan dodging gold falling from the sky, “I think this would impress the ladies.”

Bob bent over and picked up a piece of gold. “Ew! It’s slimy. And, it is moving!” cried Bob.

“What is?” asked Lefty.

“The gold…” said Bob, “I don’t think it is gold.”

Jazz, then Juan and Lefty, bent over and picked up pieces of gold.

“Yeah, it is wriggling,” said Jazz.

“I think it is alive,” said lefty.

“I think it is gold dragon scales,” said Juan.

Gold dragon scales mouthed Bob.

“Gold dragon scales” said Jazz.

“Gold dragon scales!” squealed Lefty.

A glittering gold fell from the sky and hit Lefty in the head. The legs came out from under him and Lefty found himself on the ground.”

“This is actually pretty scary,” said Bob.

“Yeah, it is like the gold apocalypse,” said Jazz.

More glittering gold fell from the sky, hitting Bob on the head. He crumpled to a pile on the ground.

Then, Bob jumped to his feet. “Ahh!!” screamed Bob, “I swear one of those...whatever they are...bit me.”

“Let’s take refuge in the woods until this over,” said Juan.

“Good idea,” responded Jazz.

The four of them made a mad dash to the edge of the woods.

“I can’t believe it is raining gold, and I am hiding in a wood,” said Lefty.

“I know. When I was riding through this wood on my way to my Grandma’s house, I didn’t think I’d end up hiding here with you three from gold hail.”

“Grandmother?” laughed Jazz, “is that what mistresses are called these days?”

“Hey, I may be a lot of things. I may have been kicked out of my order. But, I will tell you this: I honestly love my grandmother. She is a saint. Don’t you ever joke about my grandmother again,” said Juan.

Kicked out of his order? Mouthed Bob.

Lefty shrugged his shoulders in the direction of Bob.

“You are really talking about your grandmother?” asked Jazz.

“Yeah…” said Juan, “Do you think I only talk about girls and dating?”

“Well?...” said Jazz.

“Well. Now, you know!” said Juan.

“Look!” cried out Bob.

“What?” asked Juan.

“The gold...I mean the scales...I mean...anyway, the gold, it is falling as if it is making a path. A road!” said Bob.

“It does look like a road. A glowing, glittering...pulsating gold road,” said Lefty.

“Well, the scales are alive,” said Juan, “at least I think they are.”

“And, isn’t that in the direction of the town with the Wizard and the Halfling Baker?” asked Jazz.

“Yes, I do think so, “ said Juan.

“It seems like a sign,” said Jazz.

“A gold sign,” said Lefty.

“I feel like I fell out of bed and took a wrong turn,” said Bob.

“When in doubt, go left,” said Lefty.

“No doubt about it. We are going to have to follow the glittering gold path,” responded Juan.

“The die has been cast,” said Jazz, “but I don’t know what has been rolled.”

“It doesn’t matter. We will find out soon enough,” said Bob.

“Should we walk on the gold road?” asked Lefty.

Bob picked up a stick and poked the pulsating gold road and something bit the end of the stick off. “Umm...I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“Yeah, I never thought I’d hate gold,” said Lefty, “but I don’t particularly care for this gold.”

“We can walk along it,” said Jazz.

“Yeah, no one wants to be walked over,” said Lefty with a snort.

“Or have to worry about losing your soles to gold,” said Bob.

“The soles of your feet?” asked Jazz.

“Sure…” said Bob.

“Well, I guess we are off to see the Wizard about a sandwich,” said Juan.

“Just follow the glittering gold way,” said Bob.

“Just no singing,” said Juan.

Jazz opened his mouth but nothing came out.

“Don’t worry,” said Bob, “the Bard has stagefright. There won’t be any singing…”

“What kind of Bard has stagefright?” asked Juan.

“You don’t really want to know,” replied Bob.

The four of them were walking along the wriggling glittering gold way, when Jazz said, “Hey do you hear that?”

“Yeah, there is some kind of rustling sound from up ahead,” said Lefty.

“Could be Orcs,” said Juan, “they have been known to wait and waylay travelers in these parts.”

“Now, you tell us,” said Bob, “does anyone else have some important information to declare, like they have stage fright or something,” said Bob.

Lefty lifted his puppet, Mute Mike, to the face of Bob. Bob watched as his mouth opened and closed with no sound coming out.

“Oh come on Lefty, enough with the puppet,” responded Bob.

Jazz gave Bob a thumb’s up sign to his reply.

“Don’t you want to know what the puppet is saying?”

Jazz started shaking his head, but Bob was looking at Lefty, not Jazz.

“Fine. What is the puppet saying?”

Jazz hit his forehead with his hand and started shaking his head back and forth.

“Don’t call him puppet, human. He has a name. Address him directly. Yes, I want to know what Mute Mike is saying?”

“Oh come on, Lefty, I told you I wanted to know.”

“No. There is a right way and a wrong way to do things, and let’s try the right way.”

“Umm...guys…” said Jazz.

“Sigh...okay...Lefty, could you please let me know what Mute Mike is saying?”

“Umm...guys!!!” screamed Jazz.

Lefty turned to look. Then, he replied, “He is saying you are too stupid to realize there are Orcs with spears pointed right at us.”

“What?!” cried Bob, “Eek!”

Bob stepped forward. “Hail, my Orcan brothers. Stand aside, we mean you no harm.”

“You stand aside, Human, after we have plundered you of your chest and other treasures that may be with you,” said the tallest of the Orcs.

“Well, doesn’t he speak nice,” said Lefty.

The tal Orc shook his head. “Some of us are college graduates,” said the tall Orc, “Now hand over your treasures before I educate you with my spear.”

“See, I told you it was wrong to kill Orcs. They are intelligent, sentient creatures. Who thought that an economy based on the slaughter of Orcs was such a bright idea?” said Bob.

Jazz turned to Lefty and made a few hand signs to him.

“I must say I am impressed by your words, Human, too few of your kind can put such one and one together. Unfortunately, it is too late for you. We have taken you by surprise, and now you have to hand over your treasures. That is what a noble born would do.”

“Well, umm, I am not nobly born,” said Bob.

“That is too bad, Human, then your life means nothing. That is what I was taught in college. Now, be a good chap and hand me over my rightfully earned booty,” said the tall Orc.

Bob reached for his sword but his hand rested on its hilt.

The tall Orc started to laugh. “Are you going to draw your sword, Human peasant?”

Bob moved his hand slightly but did not draw his sword.

“What’s the problem, Human peasant, cat got your sword?”

Oh my goodness. I forgot. I don’t think I can fight any more.

“Umm...look at that!”

Suddenly, Jazz jumped to the flank of the Orcs and lifted his hand as if to play his lute.

What is he doing? Thought Bob. Is he going to play air lute?

Jazz let his hand down but did not strum his lute.

Yes, that is exactly what Jazz seems to be doing - playing air lute!

The Orcs all turned to look at Jazz.

Lefty took one end of Juan’s quarterstaff and Juan took the other end and ran toward the Orcs who were now looking at Jazz. Lefty and Jazz pushed the gaggle of Orcs with the quarterstaff onto the “glittering gold way.”

The Orcs started screaming.

“Do you think the Gold Dragon scales are biting them?” asked Juan to no one in particular.

“Could be,” said Lefty.

The Orcs stumbled on the gold scales and fell down upon them. And then, suddenly, they burst into flames. More screams rang out into the afternoon.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that,” said Juan.

“Yeah, who knew Orcs were so combustible,” replied Lefty.

Jazz gave them a thumb’s up sign.

The Orcs stopped moving, and just lay there on the Gold Dragon scales, smoking.

“What’s that smell?” asked Juan.

“Barbecue?” answered Lefty.

“Somebody ought to tell the Chef they put too much Orc in the sauce.” replied Juan.

Bob slowly walked up to Juan and Lefty. Juan looked up to see Bob walking toward him. Their eyes met for a moment.

“Can I ask you something serious, Juan?” asked Bob.

“Ah...yeah, I guess. I mean I hardly know you, but go ahead,” said Juan.

“I thought when you joined your order you took a vow not to kill, but you pushed the Orcs onto the Gold Dragon scales.”

“I don’t know. I didn’t know it would kill them,” said Juan.

“Yeah, but you must have had some idea that it would lead to their demise,” said Bob.

Juan shook his head some. “My son, life is full of loopholes.”