Chapter 3: Exit Stage Fright?

Bob used his arm to move the curtain out of his way. There’s a glimpse of Jazz! “Jazz! Jazz! Hold up!”

“What happened, Jazz? We practiced. We had it all down! We were smooth. We rocked.”

“Stage fright.”

“Stage fright?

“Yes, stage fright. I suffer from stage fright.”

“What kind of Bard suffers from stage fright?”

“I guess a not so very good one.”

“A not so very good one! You could have told me that earlier! We’ve been practicing for weeks! We sounded real good. Man, of all the Bards, in all the bars of the world, and I had to find one with stage fright! And, we owe Lefty a gold piece, too. Now, what do we do?”

“You look real super strong. I can do some magic with my instrument. Let’s go on an adventure. Maybe, we can kill an Orc and take his gold piece and pay back Lefty?”

“You crazy! I ain’t going to kill no Orc. It's wrong. What is up with people these days? Money problems? Easily solved. Just kill a monster! What kind of plan is that? Sounds lawless and evil to me!”

“You think monsters don’t sit around thinking, you know I am hungry. Let’s go BBQ some humans? Trust me it is them or us!”

“Orcs are scary, too!”

“Scary? They are about the easiest monster out there to kill? Look at you. I am not sure if I have ever seen anyone so strong. Either we kill the Orc or Lefty is going to kill us.”

“Argh…okay. But, we need some equipment.”

“We can ask Lefty. He can get anything…he’s cheap, too.”

Why do I think it will be Lefty who will bury us?

“Hey Lefty, we want to return your GP but first we need to go on an adventure and kill an orc. You think you can get us a sword and some armor?”

Lefty looks them over.

“Don’t worry, Lefty, look at those muscles on Bob,” said Jazz, “And you know I have magical abilities with my music.”

Lefty starts nodding. “Yes. There is some money in adventuring, isn’t there? Probably more than a gold piece, too!”

“Yes, more than a gold piece is definitely possible,” said Jazz

Yes, slaughtering Orcs is a great business, thought Bob.

“Hey, you two. I know I loiter around here and engage in some petty crime. But, I have dreams. I want to be a legitimate businessman. Actually, I really want to help people. I have dreams of selling aftershave to Half-Orcs and Dwarves.”

Jazz had a funny look on his face.

Bob silently mouthed: Half-orcs and Dwarves? Why?

“The only difference between me and a legitimate businessman is capital. With capital, I could be even richer. How about I join your quest?”

Bob looked confused. Jazz looked relieved. Either we succeed, get killed or kill Lefty. Any which way we win!

“Yeah, sure, Lefty. That's a pretty good idea.”

The three of them armed and armored set off out of town looking for monsters to shakedown and take their treasure.

“The wood is pretty thick outside of town,” said Lefty.

“Yeah, you’d think with all the taxes we pay, they would at least hire someone to keep this trail clear,” said Jazz.

“Who pays taxes?” laughed Lefty.

“Good question,” said Bob.

“It is dark, too,” said Jazz.

“Yeah, no continual light spells cast on unlit torches to lit the way, either. This town needs a better Mayor,” said Bob.

“Or a better Thief’s Guild.,” said Lefty, “at least they are trained to take taxes.”

“Yeah, but they would just keep it themselves,” said Bob.

“Yeah, maybe,” said Lefty with a shrug of his shoulders, “does it really matter?”

“It might,” said Bob.

“But, either way, this path ain’t clear and there are no torches with continual light cast on them to light the way,” said Lefty.

“Hey, what is that?” whispered Jazz, lifting his arm out as if to stop the others from moving forward.

“Looks like a golem,” said Bob.

“And, it is carrying a chest!” practically squealed Lefty.

“I think I can see through it. At least,it kind of gleams like a life sized candy,” said Bob.

“Yeah, I think it is a crystal golem,” said Lefty.

“It seems to be just carrying the chest, without a care to the world. I have a shatter spell. I can shatter the crystal golem and then we can take its chest,” said Jazz.

“My lucky day,” said Lefty.

“Go for it Jazz,” said Bob.

Jazz walked up to the crystal golem and then put up his hand to strum his lute. But, the hand never went down.

“Strum your lute,” said Bob.

“Then, we can get the loot,” cried Lefty.

Jazz just stood there with a goofy grin on his face.

“He has stage fright,” said Bob.

“He has stage fright?” said Lefty.

“Yeah, he can practice and sound perfect but once there is pressure, he totally shuts down.”

“You’re joking.”

“I wish I were.

“Crap!”

The crystal golem just walked past Jazz as if he weren’t there.

Lefty looked Jazz up and down. “Do you really have stage fright? What kind of bard has stage fright?”

“Nobody’s perfect.”

“Nobody’s perfect? Shooting two arrows and hitting with one is not perfect. Missing a trip wire is not being perfect. It occasionally happens to the best of us. A stagefright bard is a fatal flaw. You are literally no longer a bard, you are just an irreligious cleric who can fight slightly better than a peasant!”

That is when they all heard the voice.

“Hi there guys. I’m Juan, Cleric of Peter the Chaste. And, with that he put his hands over his crotch.

Six eyes looked at him. He was fairly tall, with long, flowing blonde hair, a square jaw. He had that rugged handsomeness.

“How can I help you?” asked Juan.

“Well, there is a crystal golem over there in the distance and he is carrying a chest. That is our chest. Could you do something?” asked Lefty, winking at Bob and Jazz.

“It would be my honor to assist,” said Juan with a tip of his hat.

Juan got on his knees and pulled out a rosary and started to chant something that no one else could understand.

“Look,” said Jazz.

“Yeah!” said Bob.

“The golem seems frozen,” said Lefty.

Juan walked over to the golem.

About 20 minutes later, he returned with the chest.

“I don’t believe in killing, make love not war, so I just took the chest,” said Juan.

Make love, not war? Thought Bob.

“Let’s open it,” said Lefty, rubbing his hands together.

“We better check it for traps first,” said Jazz.

“Okay, let me give it a try,” said Lefty.

Lefty pulled out a long, thin strip of tin and started to probe the lock, when suddenly he shouted, “Ouch! I’ve been pricked.”

Almost immediately his finger turned blue and started to swell.

Juan got back down on his knees.

The blueness started to spread down Lefty’s arm.

At the end of Juan’s chant, the blueness disappeared from Lefty’s arm.

“Are you okay?” asked Jazz.

“I guess I am not perfect,” replied Lefty with a smile.

“At least you’re not dead,” answered Jazz with a laugh.

“Anyway, I think I know what I did wrong. Let me at that chest again.”

Juan took a seat on the ground. He looked tired, even winded.

Lefty probed the chest lock with his metal stick and this time there was a click. “I got it!” shouted Lefty, “That is no tragic flaw.”

Lefty opened the chest.

Bob, Jazz and Lefty peered in.

They saw two bags.

Lefty picked up one bag and opened it. Inside he saw some coins.

“One, two, ten…Ten gold pieces!”

“Who-hoo!” shouted a suddenly animated Juan. “Let’s get some girls!”

“Girls?” asked Bob, “I thought you were a Cleric of Peter the Chase.”

“ Just joking,” said Juan, “I just wanted to test you all.”

“Actually, I thought the idea of trying to meet and impress some girls sounded like a good idea,” said Lefty.

“Yeah, that is what I was talking about,” said Juan.

“What do you think meeting and impressing some girls means?” asked Bob.

“ I don’t know,” said Juan, “maybe find some sweet young thing walking down the street, and impetuously buy some flowers and then offer the bunch to her, and ask her if she would like to go to the festival with you. And, then buy her whatever sweetmeat she wants, maybe some wine, and then when the festival winds down ask her if she has some place to spend the night?”

“For charitable reasons?” asked Bob.

“Of course, for the most charitable reasons,” responded Juan, “and if that doesn’t work, I say we get some whores!”

Jazz was the first to break out in laughter. Bob and Lefty followed. Soon, Juan joined them.

“Did I tell you that my nickname as a kid was ‘Randy’” said Juan.

“I am sure it was well-deserved,” responded Lefty.

“What’s in the other bag,” asked Jazz.

“Let me see,” said Lefty, pulling out the second bag.

Lefty opened the second bag and pulled out a sandwich.

“No way!” shouted Bob.

“A sandwich?” asked Jazz.

“Is it toasted with butter, with a slice of spiced meat and garnished with green and red vegetables?” asked Bob.

“Yeah, that looks about right,” said Lefty.

“I don’t believe it,” said Bob.

“How did you know that?” asked Lefty.

“I used to be part of our Noble’s guard, and I was sent on a suicide mission to deliver a package to our Noble’s s cousin the Duke. Everyone died but me. But, I delivered the package and it turned out to be a sandwich just like this one.”

Everybody looked at the ground for a while.

Finally, the Bard looked up. “This is strange indeed. There must be more to these sandwiches than meets the eye.”

“Either that or the Nobles around here are stark raving mad,” said Bob.

“Actually, both are possible,” said Lefty.

“I know this tavern. The beer there is exquisite; nothing quaffs your thirst as well as their light lager. The pilsner is the perfect party drink. And, the hard ale will put a nice edge into the night,” said Juan.

“What does that have to do with anything?” asked Bob.

“Oh,” said Juan, “the publican has hired this Halfling baker. Some of the best home baked breads, dripping in creamery butter and liberally lavished with honey. It is best with a punch of whiskey and milk.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Bob.

Gurgle. Everyone could hear Bob’s tummy rumble.

“Well, I have been told there is a Wizard that hangs out there, and has been talking about strange goings on in the bakery world. I’ve been told that for 10 gold pieces, he tells pub tales and answers questions. Maybe, he knows something about this sandwich,” said Juan.

“Did you say 10 gold pieces?” asked Lefty. “You mean the same amount as in the first bag?”

“Yes, that does seem like quite the coincidence,” said Jazz, “tell me. Is this tavern headed in this direction?”

And, with that Jazz pointed in the direction the crystal golem was headed.

“Yes, more or less,” said Juan.

“Well, I think the fates have sent us a mission,” said Jazz.

“To try the beer sampler,” asked Juan?

“No! I mean yes. We could do that too. I mean we could always kill two birds with one stone. But solve this mystery,” said Jazz.

“Can we try and pick out some girls?” asked Juan. “I mean can we distribute charity to the less fortunate of the fairer gender?”

“Juan, you are going to get into trouble if you go on like this,” said Bob.

“I know,” responded Juan, “but let’s face it if I were less randy, I’d probably never be an adventurer. Fate takes away with one hand while giving back with another, don’t you think?”

“Maybe,” said Jazz. I wonder what fate has to offer me?

Bob, too, looked pensive. I guess it is like having a heightened sense of smell when you are blind. I wonder why his god made him so randy? And, why am I no longer brave?

Lefty broke the silence, “All my life I have had to work in the shadows. I have learned much about the shadows in the process. But, I have a plan. Someday, I will own my own business. I will sell scent to those who need it the most: Half-orcs and dwarves. I can imagine a day when the beast among us find their beauty and they will thank…me: Lefty! I really believe this is the way I will realize my dream.”

By killing monsters? Thought Bob.

“Let’s go find that wizard,” said Juan. I just know he will be the answer to all our problems.