- Saturday, February 6th, 2016 -

– 15 days after the disappearance –

Nathan didn’t show up in the club, much to my disliking. After waiting patiently for about two hours, Stan and I decided to just drink and party to relax a bit, celebrating my birthday in some way, since I did cancel my party. I had a lot of fun with him. He turns out to be a little more like me than I expected. I figured he was just some screw up, dealing drugs, ditching school, but there’s more to him than meets the eye.

I had to sneak into the house since both my mom and dad disagree on me going out right now. Not only because I got arrested two weeks ago, but also because Finn wasn’t the first to disappear after going out.

I successfully evaded them while drunk, and the next morning I successfully hid the fact I had a huge hangover.

My parents went to Finnley’s parents to support them and help them around the house. Charlie told me they’ve been digging through Finnley’s stuff to find clues on what could have happened. They think he got in contact with the wrong people and I’ve told Charlie about Nathan and the things Stan told me about him. What I did not expect, was for my parents to come home after two hours, prior to diner, which they should have eaten with James and Eva.

‘I can’t believe they treated him like that!’ My dad is obviously pissed over something. ‘Their own son for crying out loud!’

‘Kody, calm down.’ My mom sounds a little calmer, but even I can tell she’s worked up over something. I’m upstairs, but hearing my dad like that, got me to abandon the game I was playing to go downstairs.

‘They told us everything was fine. Finnley wouldn’t run away. But I don’t know Maria, what if Finnley did run away?’

‘Wouldn’t he have come to Cristian? They’re best friends for years.’

‘Maybe he thinks we think about him the same. Since we go to church with them…’ My dad sighs right when I enter the kitchen. ‘Cristian?’ He looks at me. ‘Did you know Finnley is gay?’

‘I didn’t before he went missing,’ I answer. ‘Why?’

My dad shakes his head, looking at my mom, who takes in a deep breath. ‘Cristian, honey, if you’re gay, you’d tell us, right?’

‘Uh…’ I mumble, looking down. ‘I’m not gay.’

‘But would you tell us?’

‘I don’t know…’ I admit. ‘I don’t think I would.’

‘See.’ Dad snaps at my mom. ‘We’re just as bad! Our own son wouldn’t tell us either. Why for the love of god would Finnley come to him?’

‘Why wouldn’t you tell us? Do you think we would condemn you?’ Mom ignores my dad completely.

‘I guess.’ I shrug. ‘You always told me being gay is a bad thing…’

My dad shakes his head and my mom smiles sadly. ‘Being gay isn’t bad.’ My dad tells me seriously. ‘But it’s hard, because there’s a lot of people out there who think it is. We always hoped for you to marry a woman, because we don’t want you to get discriminated against. But if you aregay, we would accept you just as much.’

‘I’m not gay,’ I deadpan. ‘But good to know you would accept me.’

‘Off course we’d accept you.’ Mom walks over towards me and hugs me, rubbing my back gently. ‘You’re our son.’

‘So, I reckon Finn’s parents don’t accept him being gay?’

My dad shakes his head, looking sad. ‘Apparently, they had a huge fight about it with Finnley almost every day. They wanted him to go to church with them, find the “right” path…’ My dad draws quotation marks in the air. ‘They even have been looking for one of those camps to cure him from being gay.’

‘Are you serious?’ I can’t believe I didn’t know any of this. ‘How long did they know?’

‘They found out about two months before Finnley went missing.’ Mom sighs deeply. ‘Now I understand why Eva asked about it in church.’

‘What did she ask?’

‘About curing gay people.’

‘She was talking about Finn.’ I realize Finnley must have struggled with this, a lot. And he hasn’t bothered to tell me. Did he really think I would react the same way?

- Monday, February 8th, 2016 -

‘His parents are idiots,’ Emma growls. ‘Disgusting to think those people exist.’

‘Yeah, well… For Finnley it was the cold hard truth he had to live with every single day. Waking up in a house with parents who thought of him as an abomination to society.’ I’ve been angry ever since I found out about his parents’ reaction.

‘And now they are worried and they want him back. But I’m starting to believe Finn ran away.’ Stan is seated with us during lunch, a little to Emma’s disliking, but I think he’s cool and he told me none of his friends bothered to show at school today.

‘If he ran away, I still think we can find him be retracing his steps,’ I shrug. ‘Getting to know the real Finn might tell us where he would go.’

‘Did you have any luck with Nathan?’ Emma looks a little hopeful, but that hope is gone when I shake my head.

‘He wasn’t there. Stan thinks he’s somewhat hiding because of Finn’s disappearance.’

‘Why would he do that? It’s not like he’s got anything to do with it, right?’ Emma sends Stan an angry glare. ‘First of all, you can’t go around and assume someone would do that. Second of all, Nathan is a nice guy if you get to know him.’

‘Honestly, he isn’t when you really get to know him. Unless, off course, you sleep with him, like Finn did.’

Emma and I both cringe at the thought of Finn being gay, not because we feel disgusted, but because we didn’t know. It’s weird to realize Finn was sexually active with boys, while we didn’t even know he was into boys; let alone having sex with them.

But let’s be completely honest about this for a second. Stan isn’t ashamed to talk about his affair with Finn. Nor is he afraid to remind me of the fact Finn and Nathan had a sexual relationship.

I’ve been raised by very religious parents and more than once has someone told me it was bad, an abomination, a sin. Gay people were sick. Not so much by my parents, but I’ve met enough people from church.

But I’m not disgusted by the thought Finnley is gay.

Neither am I disgusted by the fact he had sex.

I am, for a fact, jealous over the fact someone elsewas allowed to touch Finnley like that, instead of me. That very thought confused me, but not too long. I might not be as intelligent as Finnley, but I’m not stupid. And I can deny it all I want, but I know for a fact, I’ve been interested in Finnley in sort of romantic way for a while now. I just never recognized the feeling as such, because I was told it wasn’t normal. I was supposed to like girls. And I like girls, so why pounder over feelings I have for Finnley if I could explain them as brotherly love? But it’s not brotherly. I’m a fucking jealous monster thinking about Finnley being touched by either Stan or Nathan.

Back to reality, because let’s face it; I’m never going to openly admit that to anyone, so it doesn’t matter.

‘Could you stop reminding us?’ I nudge him in annoyance. ‘It’s bad enough already he didn’t tell us a lot over the past couple of months.

‘I’m sorry,’ He chuckles. ‘I’ll stop reminding you.’ But something in his eyes tell me this won’t be the last time he’ll talk about it.

‘But tell me.’ Emma looks back and forth between the two of us. ‘You’re friends now?’

‘I guess we are.’ I shrug it off like it’s not a big deal, but I know Emma thinks little of Stan, or any of the guys in community service.

‘Yeah,’ Stan drawls. ‘I guess Cris is cool enough to hang out with. Who knows, I might even come to school more often.’

‘I’m not going to be your nerd,’ I deadpan, making him laugh, while Emma frowns at the statement. She has no clue what this is about. Yesterday, Stan said I could be his nerd and help him out in school, since he thinks I’m way smarter than him. I’m not, but I’m flattered he thinks I’m smart enough to help him.

‘What a shame.’ Stan is still grinning and Emma takes in a deep breath, seemingly a little annoyed, before she gets up.

‘Well, I’m going to look for Jacob. I’ll see you during Math.’

And off she is, leaving me behind with Stan. I’m at least a little annoyed she isn’t giving Stan a chance, while she tried to force Finn and me into liking Jacob for months.

* * * * *

‘I see through your lies, you know?’ Stan takes a seat at his desk chair, while I flop down on the bed. I’m still a little drunk from our night out. Eating some fast food helped a little, but probably only because it’s been a while since I’ve had a drink. Stan made me drink water in between.

‘What lies?’

‘You like him, more than just a friend.’

‘Who?’

Stan rolls his eyes and groans. ‘Finn, off course.’

‘Not true.’

‘No?’ Stan got up from his seat, now standing next to the bed, watching down on me. ‘Then look me straight in the eye and tell me you’re not attracted to boys in any way.’

‘Finn and boys in general are two different things,’ I tell him matter-of-factly.

‘Just so this is clear to you, Finn is a boy, you know that, right?’ Stan’s eyes roam over my body, before locking his eyes back to mine.

‘See something you like?’

‘Very much,’ He tells me with a low voice and a smirk covering his face.

I swallow hard while nerves control my mind and body, noticing how he again looks me up and down, this time with some sort of lust filled glaze. His brown eyes are darker than normal, deep enough to drown in. Tension is thick and I subconsciously wet my lips while taking the opportunity to check out Stan too. He’s the perfect example of a fuck boy. Well-formed abs, neatly trimmed haircut, charming smile. Right now, his jeans hang low on his hips, a small strip of his boxer short visible when he moves. His chest rises and falls with every breath he takes, which seem deep and collected. His Adam’s apple bobs up and down when our eyes meet back. I have no idea what he’s thinking about, but for some reason I half-expected him to make a move, with the way he’s checking me out.

‘Go to sleep Cris. You’re drunk.’ He tells me out of the blue, turning around. ‘I’m going to take a shower.’

Can’t say that doesn’t affect me a little. I don’t know what I expected, but I at least expected him to kiss me. Thinking about it, I wanted him to kiss me. My whole body wanted for him to let his hands wander around my body instead of his eyes. I feel hot and bothered now that he left me, tension still noticeable in the air. Before I know it, my hand is in my pants, stroking my half-hard member. I whimper softly in pleasure, before it hits me; I’m not only gay for Finn, I’m definitely gay for Stan too. I could’ve lived with a small crush for my best friend. I just don’t know if I could live with being gay in general.

But my body doesn’t share that thought, since I’m still subconsciously jerking off at the mere thought of Stan looking at me with lust.

‘Need help with that?’ Stan sounds too pleased about catching me pleasuring myself.

‘Oh, fuck off!’ I pull a pillow over my lap with my free hand. ‘You said you’d take a shower.’

‘Forgot this.’ He holds up a boxer short, but my eyes are focused solely on his bare upper body. Muscles visibly flexing when he moved his arm. ‘Admit it Cris.’ He’s smirking now.

‘Admit what?’

‘You want this.’ He gestures towards himself. ‘You just have to admit.’

My eyes widen at his statement. I know he’s on to me, but I can’t admit that, now can I? Admitting it out in the open would mean I’d have to start accepting my feelings. But those feelings are wrong, they’re not normal.

‘Why are you still denying your true self?’ He closed the door to the room, slowly walking in my direction again, dropping both the towel and the boxer to the floor in his way over. ‘Weren’t you the one who said that hidden truths are unspoken lies?’ He’s whispering, crawling over the bed, pushing away the pillow.

I nod, because I was indeed the one to say that about Finnley’s secrets.

‘And you’re obviously hiding the truth.’ His voice barely a whisper now. His eyes are looking right and me and I’m frozen, unable to look away. ‘You obviously saw something you liked.’ He uses my own words against me.

I gasp when his hand rubs my member through the fabric of my jeans, a feeling of longing shooting through me, while my head screams for me to stop this. This isn’t right. It’s one thing to accept Finn and Stan being like that, it’s a whole different thing to be gay myself.

But my lack of response, or the fastened breathing, or both, gave off a signal to Stan; telling him to go on. And when he unzips my jeans, I don’t try to stop him. When he pulls down my jeans, I even lift my hips, freeing my member, springing up right. Stan grins while he softly, gently, caresses my member with his fingers, barely noticeable, but enough to let me whimper in pleasure.

‘I’m asking you once more. Do you need a hand?’ He isn’t mocking me, he isn’t smirking. He’s dead serious; asking me to admit I want him to touch me.

I close my eyes, take in a very deep breath and nod.

I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.