~ Chapter 21 ~

The first thing I became aware of was the fact that my head hurt—bulging, throbbing pain that made it feel as though my brain were trapped inside a bubble...as if my skin were stretched over that bubble like the surface of a balloon...as if that bubble were breathing against the overly stretched skin to create an aching blister of a migraine.

I shifted, the sheets that cocooned me somewhat scratchy against my skin. The scent of flowers filled the air, and I found a vase filled with fresh ones situated on the bedside table, a lace cloth perfectly situated beneath it. Beside the vase was a glass and pitcher filled with water.

My lips twitched towards a smile.

I knew where I was.

...and I remembered what had happened.

Eve.

Attempting to sit up, I moved too fast, groaning at the resulting ache. Dizziness assaulted me, my entire body sore as I ran a hand over my face. The sound of shifting cloth drew my attention to the left, and a small figure came into view.

“Don’t move too fast, Ivy! You hurt yourself when you went after Icy Eve—like an idiot.” Yuuki reprimanded as she came towards me.

I inwardly sighed at her concerned nastiness.

I guess that’s just how she shows she cares...

At least we’re on better terms now.

The young girl stopped at my bedside, hovering as if she didn’t know what to do before she put her hands on her hips, glowering at me. Her twin pigtails were gone, hair gathered into a messy ponytail, her clothes rumpled. She looked more raccoon than child, dark circles prominent beneath her eyes.

I spied a chair near the door, and wondered if she’d been watching over me the entire time I was, ahem, asleep.

That’s strangely sweet for Yuuki.

I’m grateful, but I want to know about Eve.

What happened to her?

“She’s fine now. Well—as fine as she can be. It seems her and brother are working things out.” Yuuki must have caught onto my thought. Her glower blazed anew. “But you—you were out for over a day! Why did you go after her? You should have let someone else handle it. You have a bad habit of poking your nose where it doesn’t belong. It’s going to get you killed, Ivy.” As if to push her point, she stabbed at my arm with her finger, but I bit back any protest, realizing I had scared her—if her suddenly wide eyes were any indication, or the subtle shaking of her hand.

My mind automatically bypassed her words concerning my possible death, zeroing in on the lapse in time.

“I was out...for over...a day?” My voice was hoarse, a natural byproduct of my trying to scream above the wind while attempting to reach Eve. I swallowed thickly, doing my best to coat it enough so I could talk, but my swallows only made it hurt worse. Still, I struggled, “That means—”

I choked, thrust into a coughing fit. Yuuki let out a strangled noise of surprise, but my mind didn’t quiet one bit, now on overdrive.

If I was out that long, there’s only three days left now.

Three days until a decision has to be made.

Three.

Only three.

Yuuki hastily poured water into the provided glass and pressed the rim to my lips, momentarily derailing my thought-train. I took a large swig, feeling like a desert. I reached for the glass, but Yuuki kept hold of it, eyes sharp with a look that said, ‘I know you’ll break it if I give it to you, so just act like a patient’.

The water soothed my throat, and once I could breathe, I opened my mouth to speak again. But Yuuki shook her head, curiously somber, her glare having vanished.

She placed the glass back on the bedside table and sat down next to me, pulling her legs up onto the bed to cross them before her. She leaned forward, arms hanging over those legs, chin propped in her hands in a envious display of flexibility. “You’re right.” Her shoulders sagged—no, her whole body sagged somehow, as if it could sink into the mattress. “There’s only three days until brother has to make his decision known. We’re running out of time...” Her words were whispered, but to me they sounded like the exploding of a bomb.

In that moment, the threat of death came rushing in—along with everything Yuuki had shown me before I’d gone after Eve: Satsuya’s memories, the things they hadn’t been able to tell me before; the Conscious; the horrible, heartbreaking horror Satsuya had felt when he’d discovered his most dangerous ability was...the inability to die.

It all sat in front of me, as if I could reach out and grasp it. As if I could feel the slick blood of the Conscious’s victims beneath the pads of my fingers, run my hand across the scythe Wars had used in his experiment, or touch the heat of the mini sun Eve’s brother had conjured with his grief. There was an invisible rope linking Satsuya and I now, tying every image and emotion from his memories to my mind, ingraining them there.

And perhaps the most frightening part was: I wasn’t angry at Yuuki for doing it.

Not that I was grateful, exactly. Happy to understand this situation better, in some ways—but not happy. The horror of what I had seen sat on my shoulders during our confrontation with Eve, but now it was sinking in, and I feared how I might feel when it sank in all the way.

I wasn’t Satsuya. I didn’t have a mind that endlessly regenerated, that made it so I could never go insane—even if I wanted to. Thinking over what I had seen, I felt as if something were clawing at my insides, and yet I didn’t feel my mind snap like Satsuya’s had in those memories.

Was there something wrong with me? Or was I just disassociating?

It was horrible. It was wrong.

I know that, so there isn’t anything off with me, right?

It’s also not the first time I’ve seen something terrible happen.

Horrible things are shown on the Newscape—like it was when I was young, and those killings happened.

I don’t want to discount Satsuya’s past, but I have to be able to keep going.

From here on out, everything was different. Everything would be different. There was no hiding from Satsuya’s past with the Conscious, no hiding from what the Conscious was and what they had done. No pretending like the situation I was in could magically reverse, that somehow things would end without me being in danger and experiencing pain.

As horrible as those memories were, if I couldn’t swallow them, I wouldn’t be able to swallow whatever came next, either.

Still, I mourned for all those lives that were taken—Satsuya’s included.

But how will I look at him?

A pit of terror pulled at me, threatening to drown me in its depths. Despite the fact that I had found the courage to try and help Eve, despite the fact that I felt a bit stronger now—despite the fact that I really did want to believe Satsuya was no longer the person in his memories—fear had a hold on me, tightened around me like a snake ready to squeeze.

What was I supposed to do with this? How was I supposed to look at Satsuya the same again? I was stuck with him now, but all I could see when I thought of him was the images Yuuki had shared with me.

It was one thing to think about swallowing those memories when he wasn’t standing in front of me, but what about when we came face to face?

There were several versions of Satsuya running through my thoughts: one had saved me when the Conscious attacked The Red Bar; one produced that eerie, stifling aura when he was angry; one had murdered those Typpe in the past; and one had wanted to collapse under the pressure of immortality, but hadn’t been able to.

How did I know which Satsuya he really was?

They’re all him, aren’t they?

But what does that mean?

I felt like I was missing something, like there must be more to understand, to unearth. A piece of the puzzle that wasn’t being presented, something I could make sense of.

There had to be some sense, right?

Maybe I really should go to the Law.

If I turn myself in, will they protect me?

They had to. That was what they were for—to uphold order, to create peace. That was why The One couldn’t be killed, why things needed to remain as they were. That was why The Law was good.

...but was it really?

Those Typpe were murdered all those years ago, and they let it happen.

It kept happening, and they didn’t do anything. It didn’t even show up on the Newscape after that one day.

It’s one thing for events to happen—but if they keep happening with no change?

Was The Law truly interested in peace? Or something else?

Or were the dark parts of the world far bigger than they could handle and wanted to admit?

If that was true, what would happen to any of us if Satsuya decided to do as Wars demanded?

Is he the kind of person that will make that decision?

I thought I might know, but now I’m not so sure...

“Ivy.” A hand snaked around my arm, around the bottom of the hand that was holding my head. I blinked, vision distorted as pain shot through my temple, partly from the force of my grip and partly from the remnants of my rescue attempt. “Ivy.” Yuuki’s voice was stronger the second time, but not overly loud—thankfully, for my headache. “There’s...there’s something else I should show you, if you’re okay seeing it. About brother. About why he left the Conscious. About who he is. I think...it will help you.” I could hear the smile in her voice, even before I blinked away the waves in my vision and saw it.

It was a painful smile, too old for her age, but it was there, quietly telling me that, yes, I could in fact keep going forward, even through all of this.

I knew, because Yuuki had been through it before me.

Because my grandmother had survived the Greatest War.

Because somewhere inside of me was the Ivy I wanted to be, the Ivy who had run headlong into an icy chaos, into an icy prison, to save someone who needed help.

Capturing each breath, I slowed my heartbeat bit by bit, anchored my soul to my faith, and met Yuuki’s gaze dead-on as I said, “Show me.”

Color escaped from the edges of my vision as the young girl’s lips pulled further upwards. “You’re lucky, Ivy.” She said, a hint of honey in her words as the world bled away bit by bit. “You get to see my mom.”

Before I could reply, or even open my mouth, reality was stolen from me once more, and I fell back into the cruel, bleak world of Satsuya’s past.