~ Chapter 22 ~

I stood in front of the familiar yet nearly-forgotten door. My hand was raised, ready to knock. Maybe they would let me enter—more than likely, they wouldn’t—but even if I was turned away, I wasn’t sure I could run before I took a chance on being rejected again.

I should have run.

I should have never come here at all.

I should have left this part of my life right where it was—in the past.

But I hadn’t.

Instead, I stood here, ready to make one of the biggest mistakes I could make.

Why was I here?

What good would it do to see them again?

It wasn’t the first time I had thought about it—not even the thousandth; that had passed long ago. I had spent years debating, wondering. I had even made the trip here once or twice, to this town, nearly walking by this small house. But I never had the courage to knock, and I had never seen them, not even once.

Maybe they didn’t live here anymore.

Maybe when I knocked, a stranger would open the door.

Maybe I’d return to the Conscious with what little bit of hope I had left crushed.

Maybe it would be just as well...

I would return to my jailer, my master. Wars would only be angry for a moment. He would welcome me back quickly, forget my little stunt. We would continue moving forward, killing more Typpe, recruiting more Uni who wanted change. Sparrow might try and stop us again, but he couldn’t go against his brother entirely, not with their pact in place.

Yes, I would return to the Conscious...but first, I had to get this out of my system, or I would inevitably come back.

Unable to hesitate any longer, I wrapped on the door with the my knuckles. Part of me prayed for that stranger to answer—or no one at all—but the traitorous, homesick part of me longed for it to be my father, who I had never been able to say goodbye to.

A part of me even wanted it to be my so-called mother, tears in her eyes from nights of crying, of feeling remorse for how she had always treated me.

Who knew why I had these feelings at all. I had thought feeling was bled out of me, replaced by compliance and a lack of care as to what happened. But it seemed it had never really left, and since I had discovered I couldn’t die, feeling rose to the surface more often than ever.

It was dangerous. The Conscious was no place for feelings, and I was someone who really shouldn’t feel, with power as strong as mine. Yet no matter how much I pushed emotion down, it always rose back up, even if it was slowly.

I took in a deep breath, calmed myself as I had been working on, and stuffed my anxiousness down.

When the door to my old home opened, it was neither of my parents standing there. Just an unfamiliar face. One prayer was answered, and my heart broke as the stranger offered me a tentative smile.

What had I been expecting?

Murderers didn’t get a happy ending.

“Can I help you?” The woman at the door had bright eyes, like the sun had transformed into a honey-brown. Her black hair was pulled back from her face, her pale skin holding a tiny smattering of freckles over her nose. She had only poked her head out the door, but as she stared at me, waiting for a reply, she opened the door a bit wider, her eyes widening along with it. “Could it be...you aren’t Satsuya, are you?”

The sound of my name chained me to the porch before I could think better of my actions and leave.

My blood turned to lead, weighting me down from the inside.

But the unfamiliar woman’s smile curved. “You are him, aren’t you? You look so much like your father. Totsuka will be so happy to see you! He hoped you would return one day.” She pushed the door further open, stepping out into the slant of sun that cut through the space between the crammed buildings of the Uni district, and suddenly my metal blood melted, the heat of it burning me from the inside.

Her dress somewhat hid it at first glance, but her round belly was apparent as she leaned on the doorframe. The sight terrified me, throwing into stark reality the danger I was putting her—and that unborn baby—in by being here.

Before she could say another word I turned and ran.

“Wait!” Her voice carried on the wind, but I let it die with distance and promises that I would never return again.

I was already a monster. I had already done terrible things. But that woman and her baby—and my father—were innocent.

No amount of longing meant I should be there, interrupting their lives. Risking their new life.

She had smiled at me, but it wasn’t as if I were welcome.

It wasn’t as if I could belong.

Here, or in the Conscious—I had never belonged at all.

There was nowhere a monster could call home.

“You could stay with us, you know. We could be a family. I’m sure she would like that.” Angela touched a hand to her stomach, her smile mirroring the loveliness of the flowers she was clipping.

She sat perched on a small stool, not overexerting herself, but unable to keep from gardening. I stood under the shade of the tree nearby, watching but not really interacting. Acting as her shadow.

I promised myself that after today, I really would leave. No more venturing back. No more asking questions, gaining knowledge of the life I had left behind, of my father’s new family. No more wondering how a Typpe could be so nice, could look at me and genuinely smile. No more wondering where my mother had gone when she left. No more wishing I could be a part of it the happiness my father had with Angela, that I could shed the heavy cloak of suffering I had created and gain back even a fraction of the childhood I had lost.

Angela knew none of this—where I had been, what I had done. My father didn’t, either. His joyous tears were still fresh in my mind. Apparently, he thought that I had run away to join a Uni academy, to learn how to better use my abilities. He asked me when I would be debuting as a hero on the Uni Update. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wouldn’t.

I knew my father would shed different tears down the road, when he found out what I really was, though I didn’t want to think about it. Better for him to be proud of me right now, than to know all that I had done. Better to leave soon, so my father’s tears of joy wouldn’t become cries of pain.

If I returned to the Conscious, all would be forgiven. They would leave this little family alone. No one had to suffer but me.

I would carry my memories of the last few days, building a story in my mind of what my life could have been, visiting that story when I needed it—as if it were an alternate life. I would never step foot here again, not even to check on the family I would leave behind.

After today.

“They say it’s a girl.” Angela clipped a rose and held it to her nose, the flower’s petals full and blooming. “We’re thinking of calling her Yuuki. We don’t know what it meant, of course, but I’ve always liked the sound.” Meaning she didn’t know if it was an actual name from the old world or not—an actual word, even—but it felt right when she said it.

I didn’t know if my name was an actual name or not, either. I didn’t know if it had any meaning. I would never know; none of us would. All I could do was carry it with me, and hope that it had meant something to the people who existed before—that I was carrying a part of them, too.

With the old world gone along with all of its history and culture, most of us longed for something we couldn’t name, for something that no longer existed. It was like a cancer of the blood, constantly hollowing us.

Maybe that was why I wanted to stay here so badly, to be a part of something.

Not that it mattered.

“I’m sure Yuuki would like to know her older brother.” Angela turned towards me, holding the rose she had clipped up, as if offering it. Her honey-brown eyes had a crinkle, an unseen smile. “Please say you’ll stay. You’re nearly an adult, Satsuya. You can make up your own mind.”

“I can’t.” My reply was instant, a flat-out refusal.

The rose sagged, and Angela’s expression lost its gleam. But still, she smiled at me. “We can move, if we need to. Find somewhere a bit bigger. We can make it work. You’ll be—”

“No.” Another flat-out refusal, anger leaking into my voice. I felt the weight of the world crush me, and I bowed underneath it, though I didn’t break. “I can’t. I won’t.” I couldn’t look at her anymore, but a sob escaped through my clenched teeth as I said the last thing I should have said, “You don’t know what I’ve done.”

She didn’t need to know.

She didn’t want to know.

I wouldn’t tell her.

I couldn’t.

I wanted so badly to—for someone to understand—but—

“Then tell me.” The petals of that rose brushed my cheek as Angela came near, unafraid. “Tell me what you’ve done, Satsuya, and I’ll tell you that you can change.”

I stared down at the lifeless eyes gazing out, at the unmoving hand reaching for the whaling baby who was wrapped, lying in the wreckage that had once been my father’s home. I knew those dead eyes so well, though I hadn’t spent long looking into them. I knew that pale, lifeless face had held a smile last I’d seen of it—even though I had told her something horrible, something I could never forget.

The sorrow and pain and horror had been evident in her eyes, but she hadn’t hated me. She had told me I could change, but she was wrong.

No—she wasn’t wrong. Not about me. Not anymore.

But she was wrong about my life.

It couldn’t change.

No matter what path I took, I would have reached this point in the end. That was the curse of who I was, what I was capable of. This great power I so despised would always make me a target.

I looked away from Angela’s frozen, desperate face to search for my father. I didn’t see his body, but I was certain it was here somewhere, possibly buried in the rubble. He, too, had smiled the last time I saw him, though it was laced with guilt. I had told him the truth, too, even though I was afraid it might break him. But instead of turning me away, he had reacted as Angela did, looking through sins to whatever lied underneath. He had still wanted me to stay, dangerous as it might be.

I almost wished I had—even for a few days. I had been wrong in thinking Wars would let my father and his family go. I had been naive in coming here in the first place. But if this was to happen anyway, it would have been better to spend their last days with them.

The wailing of the baby grew louder, tugging at what was left of my heart. I wanted to go to her—was it a her after all?; I hadn’t been here for the birth—but I was aware of the shadow behind me, watching my every move. Waiting for me to make a mistake.

“You understand why I had to do it, don’t you, Searcher?” Wars spoke from behind me, what sounded like genuine remorse in his tone, for what little it was worth. “She was making you weak. You were warming up to a Typpe. After everything we’ve done? It was unthinkable.”

Unthinkable?

I hated him for those words more than I hated him for anything else.

Angela had done nothing wrong—unless you counted loving my father as wrong, or birthing my sibling as wrong, or trying to see the best in me where there wasn’t even any good. My father and Angela had paid for their kindness with their lives. And now that baby was alone.

“You’ll thank me soon, Searcher.” Wars’s tone was lighter now, coaxing. “You’ll see it’s better this way. It was a shame, losing a Uni life your father, but he was already compromised. Filled with love for the Typpe. Still, that lead to you before, so I guess it wasn’t a waste...By the way, don’t worry, I didn’t harm the child. We can bring her with us. If she’s a Uni, we’ll welcome her.”

She.

So it was a girl—Yuuki. Angela would have been happy whatever the case, but she’d had a special connection and love for that name.

Had Wars picked Yuuki up, only to toss her aside as he destroyed her parents and their home?

“And if my sister isn’t a Uni?” My teeth shattered as my jaw clenched, but they instantly healed themselves. Hands fisted, blood ran down my fingers from where my nails punctured skin, but I didn’t care. I was sure there was a white halo forming around me, but I attempted to control my anger, knowing full well what it could do if left unchecked—how I might destroy everything in the vicinity without meaning to, including my sister.

Wars scoffed, and I could imagine him shrug from his place behind me. “If she isn’t a Uni—well, seeing as you came from a Typpe, we need to do some research. If it doesn’t yield results, we’ll do the kind thing and see her off to the next life.”

In that moment, my control slipped. I rounded on Wars, grabbing his collar to thrust him up, dangling in the air before he could so much as blink.

“Searcher!” The head of the Conscious struggled as the white light of my power whipped out, vibrating through the air like a pulse. My anger rippled, tearing through Wars’ flesh as if I had attacked him with my fists.

“They were a happy family, and you destroyed that. Now that little girl is alone—and you want to use her like a tool!” I shook in rage, the ripples of power increasing as Wars cried out, struggling violently. “But of course you would. We’re all just tools to you, aren’t we? Things to be used, so you can become a ‘better’ version of The One.”

War’s blood dripped to the ground.

If I didn’t stop, soon I would kill him.

It should have been an easy choice. I had imagined it several times by now—what the world would be like without him, how I might feel. But something always held me back, even in my imaginings. And whether it was one last shred of care for this Uni who had been my friend, or some lingering allegiance to him, that something held me back now, too.

My sister cried, and I couldn’t ignore it.

I clamped down on my emotions and retracted my grip, the waves of power ceasing to leave me. Wars fell to the ground, landing in a heap. He hurriedly scrambled back, betrayal flashing in his eyes, but I turned away, back to Yuuki’s cry. “Get out of here, Wars, or I’ll kill you. I swear I will.”

A swish of cloth and the sounds of labored breathing told me Wars stood. Despite his injuries, I knew he would be able to retreat quickly. I expected him to run immediately, but instead he lingered for a moment, saying, “Fine, Searcher. I’ll leave you alone for now. I’ll let the kid grow some. It’s my last kindness to you. But don’t think you’ll be able to escape. The Conscious will be watching. We’ll follow you from place to place as a reminder. Then one day I’ll come for you myself, and you won’t have the choice to run anymore. You’ll be one of us again. We’ll be united.”

I remained with my back to him as he escaped, exhaustion wearing on me though I had built a high tolerance to it. I knew I should turn and kill him, end this, but I no longer had the strength.

And it wasn’t as if it would matter, anyway. Wars headed the Conscious, but there were plenty who shared his ideals, who would be able to take his place—not in the same way, but good enough. It was a losing battle.

If I killed Wars, I wouldn’t actually be free.

In fact, I knew it would haunt me, because some part of me still remembered the person he used to be. Or, at least, the person I knew him as.

Finally, I was able to move—towards my crying sister. I knelt before her, getting a good look at her face, which so reflected Angela’s and my father’s. I wasn’t sure what to do with her, but—

She opened her eyes, met my gaze, and I felt it: a part of me came to life, a part I feared I had lost.

And Yuuki stopped crying.

I reached out a finger, and her tiny hand curled around it. I had to blink back tears, throat thick with emotion. “I’m sorry, Yuuki. You deserve better. I’m not worthy of being your family. But—I promise I’ll protect you. Whatever it takes.”

She didn’t deserve to be stuck with me, but if I handed her off to another Uni or a Typpe, I was afraid Wars might take advantage and try to use her against me. Also, if she was a Uni, she would be subjected to the same rules the rest of us were. Maybe...maybe I could change things for her, at least.

If only a little bit.

If only for a little while.

I had to try. This was something worth living for, since I couldn’t die.

I scooped my sister into my arms and left the remains of our old lives behind—unsure where I would go from here, but hoping, for the first time, that there would be a little bit of light.

I could still feel the warmth of the baby in my arms—

No, that was the warmth of a larger person’s arms lassoing around my back, pressing against my shirt.

I blinked, and the vintage scene melted away, giving birth to a small room with flowers on a bedside table, rain falling hard outside the window. The warmth I felt shifted, and I looked down to find the little baby from the memory had transformed into a girl, her eyes nearly the same honey-brown as her mother’s.

Satsuya’s disbelief and longing still clung to me, but my mind no longer felt clouded.

“You saved him.” The words were faint, my throat still sore from earlier, but they were there. I offered Yuuki a hug. “You’re his hero.”

The young girl’s smile twitched, becoming sheepish as her cheeks pinked, and she hid her face in my stomach. “I know. With all the power brother has, a little girl is his hero.” She giggled, but there was a somber edge to it. “I never met my mother, but I’m glad to have his memory of her. And I’m glad I could help brother, even if I can’t protect him.”

“...I think you did.” I ran a hand over her hair, and she shifted, looking back up with a question in her eyes. “It was because of you that he didn’t kill Wars, that he had the chance to break away. He would have regretted what happened next if you hadn’t been there to change his mind. And I’m sure...I’m sure it’s the thought of you now that keeps him going.”

I was positive of it. And, in a way, I was proud of both of the siblings.

Still, though my mind had lost its cloud, I couldn’t say everything was clear as crystal. What I had seen was bouncing in my brain, trying to sort itself out.

“Yuuki...I want to talk to Satsuya.” It felt like the only way forward, the only way to confront my still-wavering heart.

I couldn’t run from this. Not even a little bit.

That was all too clear to me now.

“Okay, Ivy.” Yuuki pulled back, unwinding her arms from around me. I missed her warmth immediately, but couldn’t shake the small sense of peace I felt at being on better terms with her. She looked towards the window, where the rain streaked, the closeness of the next building telling me there was a small alleyway there, quite probably lingering outside Mr. Alessi’s back door. “Brother is outside, watching the rain.” She paused, her gaze shifting back to me. “He thought you might want to talk to him.”

It was a strange relief to know that Yuuki hadn’t shared those memories without her brother’s permission—but a small terror that she had already communicated my request to him. A lesser person might have wondered if what she had shown me was all fabricated, but I didn’t think she would do that, and it had all been too lifelike to make up.

“Go on.” Yuuki reached out to shove at my arm, a playful quirk to her brow. “You’re part of us now, Ivy, so don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Not that you ever are.”

“Yeah...” I stood shakily to my feet, not quite as dysfunctional as I had feared I would be, my headache having subsided somewhat.

I had a feeling she was right.

I was a part of them now.

Completely.