I had been hiding away from the majesties and the nobles as time went by, but that couldn’t last forever, and I felt the pressure accumulating the past few days.

Evening was, as appointed, time for the meeting. Time to decide. And I understood back then, during the audience, when the queen looked at me, that I was to report my aid by then. That it was time to stop running away, and say upfront what was it that I was going to do.

Yet, back to the morning of the appointed day, I still didn’t know what to do. I was never good at anything useful, and even if I was - apparently - good at magic, that was a big no-no from me.

Mizuen came looking for me again.

I was enjoying some peaceful time at the library, ignoring the impending doom crawling down my spine, when he sat by my side; we talked about a story Master Io had told him about. I tried not to laugh too much, as it was… extremely close to the plot of Shrek. Kiochery waited at the library’s doors, as his duty entailed. Heh, en-tail-ed. But, with enough convincing, he embarked to the kitchens for something to munch.

After that, I wandered around the bookshelves looking for something else to read. I grabbed a random book with what I thought was a pretentious name. But before I was able to prove my absolutely unparalleled knowledge on how to judge a book by its cover, Mizuen called me from one of the corners, wanting to show me something.

- “I found my thesis! I graduated from the academy with this. I made it about sorcery, of course. ‘The Many Conceptions of the Universe; How Magic is Shaped by Culture.’ I used the things Master Io taught me about the magic of other worlds. I wanted people to know sorcery was just another shape of magic, like alchemy or astrology. Or like witchcraft, even if that one is only fantasy in this world. It was a fun research, I don’t remember much of what I learnt about astrology, but alchemy is really interesting.”

- “I bet…” – I took some seconds to understand it. And some other seconds to understand that I was proud of him, but also a bit jealous. – “You are really amazing, you know?”

- “…I- I mean- T-T-Thank you, heh…” – He shook his head a little, and smiled. Was it maybe because it was still hard for me, that he went back to English, even now. – “If it’s you who says it, I guess it’s true.”

- “Huh?”

- “What? You are already really smart, yourself, so I take the compliment!”

- “Me? Smart??? Me?????? The only way me and smart go together in a sentence is with a ‘not’ in the middle.”

- “…What?”

- “Like! I only have one (1) braincell, and all its doing is playing Wii Music on repeat twenty four – seven!”

- “…Wii Music? What is that?”

- “Ah. You see, Wii Music is a really special part of our culture, is ancient music used to meditate, it’s said that the layers of frequencies hidden on it help us attain a higher state of the self.”

- “Ayoh… Really?”

- “Pffft- No-” – I laughed, as we walked back to our seats. His blank expression turned into a curious grin. – “It was a melody that became popular for being used for silly things. We had a really weird humor back at home, basically we would laugh at absolute nonsense.”

- “Oh, it can not be that bad, tell me!”

- “Well, I remember that one time I spent five minutes laughing at a video- Remember I told you about videos?” – A nod. – “Yeah, so, the video was just… Uh, let’s say it was like a slice of bread. It stood there with background music, and the music becomes overly dramatic when the slice falls.” - A pause. - “It’s not that funny when I explain it, but trust me- It’s hilarious.”

- “…I will take your word for it.”

- “Oh there was also- An image of a guy, and he was saying ‘E.’ That’s it. That’s all. E. PFFT-”

- “…Is it really that funny?”

- “It’s just- Can’t you feel how silly it is? I’m in another world- Explaining memes to you! It’s- It’s so stupid-” – I kind of couldn’t stop laughing, for real. The idea was so… surreal. If this was a light novel, would that be the title? “Explaining memes in another world”? I’d live for that, yeah.

- “...I like it.”

- “Huh?”

- “Is the first time I see you lag..lag…laugh- so much. I do not understand those jokes… but, I want to know more about the things that make you happy. I want to know more about the things you like about your world.”

Ah. My heart. It hurts. I covered my face with the book, muttering a thank you as best as I could.

Pretending to pay attention to the book, finally I knew that the title, “The Wars that Start Inside,” was not pretentious, but instead, literal. It was a book analyzing tactics from past wars, specifically the ones during the “Darkness.” Mizuen poked my hand, calling my attention back to him.

- “…But Von, I meant it. You are incredibly smart. You managed to learn a language’s base in just a few days. Or is it that your world is filled with people who can do that?”

- “I mean…” – Was it? – “...Not really… But it’s no big deal. I just have it easy because you are really good at teaching.”

- “A teacher can only be as good as their student, Von. I know that someone without an understanding of the world wouldn’t have been able to do magic like you did. You are smart, and amazing. More than you think.”

- “I don’t need... I don't need pity, Mizuen. It’s fine. I know I’m useless, you don’t have to try to make me feel better about it.”

What was that sound he made? Like a weird mix between a croak and a groan. It caught me off guard.

- “Come here- I’m going to beat you to death! You dumbass! You- You-!” – Before I could react, he took my head with his whole arm and ruffled my hair like no tomorrow. – “Learn to accept compliments, idiot!”

- “Got it-Gotitgotitgotit- Stopstopstopstopstop-”

- “Fine. But you have been warned.” – He took the book from my hands and checked. – “Tactics, huh… It fits you, somehow.”

- “Does- Does it? Back at home I liked to play things like that. Strategy games. At least that was one thing I was good at.”

- “Oh, you did have games for pretty much everything, right.”

- “Yeah…”

- “So… Are you going to do it? Tactics, I mean. We do not have a tactician aside from Captain Hae, so it would help us.”

He threw that ball so softly, so… calmly, that I didn’t feel it hit me. It took me a few seconds to react.

- “T-T-That I was good at games doesn’t mean I can do it in real life!”

- “I would not have said it if I did not think you were up for it, Von. But I understand.”

- “…I wouldn’t be able to cope with being in charge of protecting people. That in battle, any life that is lost would be because of my failure. I… I don’t think I could deal with that.”

- “That is one of the things that make you perfect for the job, Von. We do not really… Expect to win. Just to lose as little as possible.”

- “Why did you bring this up all of sudden!? I’m… not ready to decide. I’m not good at anything. Or well, apparently I’m good at magic but! I’m not good at fighting - I’m as weak as a noodle, and a year won’t be able to change that. I can’t stand in the front the way I am.”

- “…I am sorry. It was us who brought you here. I… I should not have. I know. But I also know that you would not have been chosen if you were not meant to be. I would hate to put pressure, but we need you.”

‘We need you,’ he said. He truly said that. I couldn’t find it in me to make the decision, but… I actually had thought of this. That if I had to choose something, I’d rather help plan from the sidelines. That, at least, thinking was something I knew how to do. But that’s just me, always pushing myself down.

Deep, deep inside, I craved this. That maybe I was chosen for this. Maybe I… Maybe I was needed. Maybe I was useful. Maybe.

Well, there was more to it, too. They put themselves in danger by calling me here... It was clear, how truly desperate they were. It felt like a duty, as much as I hated to think about it. Something I wouldn’t be free of until it was done. After all, I was never told I could go home after the war ended; I just assumed the best.

I couldn’t just leave it be, like that, while I waited or went away on my own. It didn’t feel right.

I could have accepted to be a mage, again. Maybe I could barely manage to not die. But would that be enough? It wouldn’t. I’m not a one-man army, I couldn’t change the course of history like I was, and I would not offer myself to do something I had no idea how to do.

I’m giving too many excuses, probably, that was all I was doing so far. The past weighs on me - I’m still afraid. And I feel more fear every day, waiting for the declaration of war. The anxiety won’t calm down.

Back to the start.

- “I had been thinking, actually. That I don’t want magic to disappear. It’s a thing that makes this world special. It’s… It’s the very thing that separates this world from mine, so far. I don’t understand it yet, but… If I came here for a reason, then I’ll take it as it comes. Sorry, I’m nervous… I…”

There was something uncomfortably funny about never being able to say the things I truly meant.

- “Take your time, Von. Is okay.”

- “…I want to help. With what I can- If… If you think I can do this I… I’ll give it a try- I mean, I’ll do it. Yeah. I’ll do it.”

- “Then tell the Queen, I will be with you at the meeting. And... Again, I am sorry.”

- “Why?”

- “There is no use in hiding it from you, you would know sooner or later, so. I pretty much spent this week studying you. To see how… Well, to see how we could use you. That sounds bad, yeah, sorry.”

- “I understand. The people’s best interest comes first.”

It was to be expected. Being used is not a thing I’m unfamiliar with. I tried to shrug it off, the bitterness of it. The pain. There was a more pressing matter to deal with at that moment.

At least, I'll appreciate the honesty.

Just like back at home, there was no time to mourn.

The world moves too fast for me.

Next, the inevitable unfolded: the meeting.