They both sat on the porch quietly. What would be a comfortable silence before was now full of uneasiness and agitation.

“Why did you leave me?” Nevan asked Elnor impassively, finally asking the question that was plaguing his mind.

Elnor did not answer him immediately. The stars twinkled above her as she stared. The cold breeze shivered her bones, and she pulled her coat more tightly. “I had to make a choice,” Elnor answered. “Either risk death and try to rescue you. Or I come home and see my family for possibly the last time.”

Nevan felt his hands and feet getting colder. He hid his feelings and emotions. He spoke as coldly as the ice that had formed on the ground. “The last time?” he asked.

Elnor lifted a hand to feel the wind. “Winter’s almost over, Ishan. All-out war is coming. And this time, both sides will have weapons that had never been seen before,” she said softly. “I don’t know if we can win. Or if I will survive.”

Nevan took a moment to process what Elnor had said. “Was it worth it? Leaving me to suffer to see them again?” He asked her, referring to the children.

“Yes,” Elnor answered instantaneously. “And I will do much worse for the children,” she continued. “I’m sorry, Ishan. I know that my answer is unsatisfactory.”

“No,” Nevan opposed. “You love them very much, I can tell.” He looked away from the sky to face the Commander. He waited patiently for her to do the same. After some time, Elnor finally turned to meet her squire’s eyes. She saw no anger or hatred this time—only pain and something else that she could not decipher. “I would’ve done the same if I was in your shoes.” He said to her, understanding the reason for the choice she had made.

“You have to know, Ishan,” Elnor’s voice quivered slightly. “That every time I make a decision like that.” She was cut off as her squire placed one of his hands over hers.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Commander.”

“No,” she shook her head. “I want you to know.”

Her squire nodded.

Elnor continued where she left off. “That every time I make decisions such as that. It takes a part of me away.” She did not know how to describe it any other way and hoped her squire would understand what she meant.

Nevan turned away and looked up to the sky. “War,” he said. “Killing, fighting, and seeing our allies die. It eats away at us, whether we like it or not. I thought I was different at first, that I’m better and more robust than others, that my will itself will carry me forward.” He smiled melancholically. “But now that I’m broken. I’m finding it hard to gather the pieces.”

“Do you want me to help you?” Elnor asked him. “To gather the pieces.” Her squire did not have a chance to answer as she spoke again. “Fuck that. I’m going to be there to help you pick the pieces back up, whether you want me to or not.”

Her squire chuckled at her words. “Thank you, Commander.”

They did not say anything again for a while- only the sound of the breeze could be heard.

“Elnor?” Her squire asked her with her name. “Please don’t order me to stay alive ever again.”

She took a deep breath, inhaling the cold air into her lungs. “I understand. I won’t.”