Kiddoes started regaining their consciousness one by one. As expected, most started getting rowdy - some blabbered incoherently, some shouted, some cried, some angrily demanded explanation from the knights(?) and men in hooded purple robes. Sigh. I always knew your loud mouth would get you killed one day, Cooper. Never would've expected the ones being responsible of relieving the world of your pitiful existence would be a bunch of crazy cultist kidnappers, I'm mildly impressed, good job.

However, my expectations were thoroughly betrayed - instead of pulling out a curved dagger and stabbing Cooper in the chest, Purple Beard (temporary name) gave him a fatherly smile, eloquent soothing words (which did their job of calming the twerp down, but to me it sounded like something a serial killer would say to his victim in a snuff film. Don't ask) and promise to explain everything shortly.

Doors opened and a team of knights in flashy armor with loads of unnecessary ornaments barge in, handing out everyone robe-like clothes and leather boots that were all of the same size, so it was a hit or miss in terms of comfort. Anyway, still beats standing there naked - I've got nothing to be embarrassed of and a lot to proudly wave around, but catching cold with fever accompanying it from standing on cold stony floor is the last thing I'd add to my bucket list when I'm trying to formulate a plan on how to escape the dungeon we've found ourselves in.

After letting us cover our shame we were organized in a line and led somewhere across the gaudy corridors, a dozen knights on both sides of our thirty-odd bunch made out of trembling fifteen year old kids and their manly stoic teacher (me, who else?).

By the time we reached our destination, I grew weary of the blatant in-your-face intention to show off how much excessive money the guy running this place has. Seriously, do you really need to coat every single damn thing in gold, lay down kilometer long red carpets, elaborate tapestry, two meter high vases, sculptures, plate mail armor stands, stuffed monsters... Wait a goddamn second! Did we just pass a... Stuffed manticore? As much as I'd like to gawk at it in astonishment, it isn't possible with our "escorts" keeping an eye on us. I'd rather not risk pissing off a person who carries a pointy metal stick, especially when there's a dozen of them.

I had a gut feeling all of this is leading up to something grand, grueling, thankless and bothersome, something I'd rather not take a part in. And the following events didn't disappoint.

The very moment we reached the aptly named Grand Hall, we were greeted with roar of applause and cheers. Solid looking soldier types, some more knights, servants and maids in toned down but in no way shabby clothes, fatties in laughable medieval aristocracy clothes - jabot, burr, frills and all. And on an elevated platform are three thrones - central one higher than the others. A plump matron with a crazy hairdo as big as her head on the left, a girl with sharp eyes on the right and a King Arthur lookalike with an unkempt beard. Should be safe to assume these three play the queen, princess and king roles in this farce. Although after seeing (and smelling. That thing was either really old or very fresh, ugh) the very convincing manticore corpse I've decided to give it a benefit of the doubt, play along and listen to whatever they have to say before going ballistic and sacrificing us at an altar For Greater Good™ or some other such nonsense.

A seedy looking spokesman came forth and started a long and winded session of flattering the Great Heroes of Humanity (apparently that's what kids with "F"s in PE are supposed to do around here. I'm looking at you and your lazy fat ass, Adams). By the time I was about to nod off to sleep, words "status", "class", "magic" started popping up in his speech and I inadvertently snapped back to reality. What's next, you are going to say that a status screen will pop up if I mentally chant it? Yeah, right. Please grace this unworthy clod with the scene of his status plate, oh mighty goddess, bless your mighty tunic-clad ass!

*bling!*

*SYSTEM INITIALISING*

*CONGRATULATIONS, NEW TITLE "Sarcastic prick" ACHIEVED*

...okay then. Since mr.Orator over there doesn't seem to shut up anytime soon, let's give him just a sliver of attention and take a look at this magical floating window filled with...arcane symbols, I guess. Hey, Whatsyourname. How am I suppose to read this garbled up mess?!

*SCANNING HOST'S PRIOR KNOWLEDGE*

*REVISING STATUS' LAYOUT & LANGUAGE OPTIONS*

Creepy. Can you stop it with the robotic voice, it is grating my ears. Can't you change your voice to that of a mature sassy secretary lady's or something?

*Understood. Is this voice suitable?*

Perfect. Now call me Master and give me a kiss.

*That isn't specified in my functions, therefore I decline.*

Fine then, suit yourself. Oh look, they are dragging in some hairy muscular dude with tiger ear accessories and a tail. Gross.

- ...see with your own eyes, heroes! This is one of those evil beastmen that torment our country, ceaselessly attacking and killing humans for no reason!

- You fuckers! I swear I'll tear you all apart for this, you bloody bastards! Give me back my daught...AAARGH!

Sigh. You should've silenced him a moment sooner, no? Now only a complete moron would believe that you aren't the bad guys here.

- Yes! Take that, monster!

- Beat him more!

- Hahaha, look, he's crying.

Oh, right. I forgot for a second that I'm teaching thuggish trash that is simple as a stone and always does whatever they want due to money and influence of their parents. Good to know there are constants that never change in this world. Anyway, I've got a question, Mary.

*My name isn't Mary.*

You did understand that I'm referring to you, so now it is.

*...*

Say, isn't this status screen kinda weird? It has name, age, classes, skills, titles...chat and notifications? What? Anyway, that can wait. What I'm curious about is where are all the stats? HP, MP, strength, agility and so on. I see nothing of the sort?

*Such variables do exist, but either a particular skill or a special magic item are required to browse them.*

So... Name them?

*Not high enough clearance, enquiry denied.*

Well screw you too, Mary.

Ignoring the comic scene of children laughing while watching a (probably innocent) beastman getting the shit beaten out of him by overly enthusiastic tinmen, I focus on the info that will most likely mean life or death in this madhouse.

Congratulations! As per the "Otherworlder" title, you've gained three following classes based on your character traits, abilities and predisposition. Please enjoy!

NEW! - Venomous Serpent [unique]

NEW! - Scholar [rare]

NEW! - Swindler [uncommon]

Congratulations! For reaching lvl.1 in classes mentioned above, you gain following skills:

1) Envious gaze lvl.1 (active) - your greed is deep-seated, to the point of affecting your soul. Allows to peek into another person's status and freely observe it as long as the level difference isn't too vast. Possible to steal skills twice a day - once per each eye. Method: close right eye to steal another person's skill with your left eye; and vice versa. WARNING: it is possible to attempt skill steal more than two times a day, but that puts enormous strain on user's body. Possible afflictions: acute pain, fainting, excessive blood clotting, blindness, , death. Discretion advised. At level one success rate equals 55%, +5% for every following level.

2) Knowledge hungry (passive) - you are a naturally curious person, someone who finds joy not only in results of learning brings you, but also in the process itself. Easier skill acquisition; increased rate of learning. Possible to enter deep concentration state for study or battle purposes, accelerating thought process and making it seem like the world slowed down. Severely drains stamina and may incur fatigue in prolonged use.

3) Cunning (passive) - you are a sly, slippery person. You always act with self interest in mind and are capable of coming up with plans on the fly. You live and die by your wits. Boosts thought processing speed, creativity, abilities to lie, intimidate, seduce or persuade other people.

Congratulations! First synergy skill gained!

4) {envious gaze + knowledge hungry + cunning} = Falsification (active) - "discretion is the better part of valor" is your motto. Just joking, in reality you love showing off. However, you also know when to lay low if you deem it to be in your best interests. It is possible to freely edit & manipulate both your personal status screen that will be seen by users of various magical instruments and identification skills. Be advised, a person who's level is far higher than yours would be capable of breaching this skill if they suspect you and put extra effort in their analysis.

Hmmm. I can't say I like the way this thing portrays me like some sort of villain.

*You aren't one?*

Shush. I'm not sure I want to see the titles after being so thoroughly covered in mud, but let's see it.

After scanning user's memories and experiences, following titles were awarded:

1) Second Son - you were never wanted, nothing ever went your way, everything was for your elder sibling. The only one you can trust and count on is yourself, inner motivation doubled.

2) Arrogant - other people are a liability, you have nothing to do with those plebeians. To make sure you are never mixed with that rabble, you make doubly sure you can do anything by yourself and do it well. Increased rate of learning.

3) Literature buff - books are humanity's greatest invention, entire history from days immemorial can be crammed into one building with their help. You've spent so much time in old stuffy libraries absorbing one book after another, that it physically improved your brain wiring. Faster reflexes, improved memory and eloquence.

4) Stoic teacher - aiming to share your knowledge with others, you noticed that your supposed pupils aren't all that keen on learning, they loathe and resist any attempt to educate them. But a job is a job, so you never completely gave up no matter how impossible the task was from the get go. Gain full immunity to Despair and Confusion status ailments.

5) Otherworlder - you were summoned from another world that is vastly different from this one. Experiencing travelling through the void and living to tell the tale deeply affects your soul. Upon arrival you will gain three classes - class based on your character, class based on abilities you possess and a class you'd most likely gained in the future based on the above.

6) Sarcastic prick - you have interested (enraged) Erde, goddess of Chaos and Creation. Congratulations, with her blessing and the title she gracefully bestowed upon you, Chat and Notifications functions were added to your status screen! Have a nice life, however much remains of it.

Well, let's ignore the thinly veiled, slightly ominous, passive aggressive undertone of the last title's description and end this unamusing performance right here and now.

After properly altering my status screen and checking the status of every person in the room, I spend both charges of the Envious gaze to steal Deceit (passive) from one of the nobles, walk in front of the king, making sure to stay ten meters away lest the guards decide to skewer me with their spears for disrespect, fall on my knee and say in as pitiful and as desperate voice as possible.

- Your Majesty, I mean no offence and apologize for such blatant rudeness on my side, but please hear my humble request!