Dumb.

Dumb.

Dumb dumb dumb.

DUMB!

Way to go, you moron.

They already knew you weren’t human, but now they know you aren’t really an elf either.

Wait. Do elves even exist here?

That Joan girl reacted when I said “paladin”, so it seems there are SOME sort of RPG rules in effect...

He watched as Joan leaned over to pick up the fallen dagger and the shiny coin. She held out the coin to Daniel.

*Sigh*

If only things could have worked out.

After glancing at a suddenly depressed elf, Daniel got up to take it from her.

Joan definitely seemed to like me. I’m stuck in a new world and she might have been my ally. You know, “beginner village tutorial” and all that.

Joan unsheathed the new dagger. A variety of expressions flowed across her ruined face: Astonishment, puzzlement, confusion, and realization.

And then I had to chuck a freakin’ DAGGER at her head.

“[This dagger,]” Joan said quietly, “[isn’t possible.]”

Oh great. She’s muttering now.

Daniel Bowen pulled out a touchstone from his pocket. Rubbing the gold coin against it, he also had a change of expression: Amazement, then something similar to greed. That was when he realized Joan had said something.

“Hmm?”

Here we go. It’s started. “He’s not one of us” is going to become “We should get rid of him”. If only…!

It was then he noticed that a white kitten had appeared from under the bed, curious about the noise and the things landing on the floor.

“[This dagger is impossible. Look at this metal.]”

She held the blade up to the light.

“[It looks like iron, but it isn’t. Iron isn’t this shiny. Also, this blade. It’s completely symmetrical. I doubt even dwarves could make a blade this even on both sides. It’s razor-sharp, but there are no sharpening marks anywhere. Everything about this dagger is wrong. It’s brand new.]”

D’awwwww! Who’s a cute little kitten then? Come here… Good kitty… up we go… Aww, you’re so cute…!

“[That makes sense.]”

Coochy coochy coo! Thanks for being my distraction, so I can check something.

“Character.”

“[What?]” Joan exclaimed. “[In what way?]”

A popup window appeared in front of his eyes.

HEALZ PLEAZE

Level 1 Medic (Cleric / Alchemist)

Elf (High Elf)

Male

Strength: 25

Dexterity: 60

Constitution: 30

Endurance: 50

Mind: 75

Spirit: 70

Charm: 75

Luck: 60

Health: 6 / 60

Mana: 77 / 150

Experience: 0 (500)

Advantages:

Adorable: You are just too cute! +10 to First Encounters with humanoids.

Beautiful: You turn heads. +10 to First Encounters with humanoids.

Virgin: You are pure and unspoiled. +10 to First Encounters with unicorns, good dragons, and followers of Good Religions.

Disadvantages:

Adorable: You are just too cute! -20 to Intimidate.

Beautiful: You turn heads. -20 to Stealth.

Virgin: You are pure and unspoiled. +30 to First Encounters with vampires, evil dragons, and followers of Evil Cults.

Daniel held up the recently-scratched coin.

“[As near as I can tell, this is pure gold. Absolutely pure. Judging from this touchstone, I’d say it’s worth, roughly, one gold and two silver in our currency. More, if we sell it to an alchemist. If that dagger is superior to a normal bronze dagger in a similar way, then an enchanter might buy it at nearly the same price as a mithril one.]”

So they can’t see the whopping great window floating there, huh? That’s good.

Wait, “Virgin”? Like HELL I am!

“[So Helze – I can’t say his name – so this elf boy touched a drawer–]”

“[An EMPTY drawer. I checked this room earlier.]”

“[– And made a brand new dagger and gold coin worth far more than a normal dagger and gold coin spring out by magic, is it?]”

No wait. THIS body is a virgin. Hmm? Oh, sorry, little kitty! I ignored you. Rah! Raaarrrrwwrr. Gotcha!

“Close.”

The popup menu disappeared.

“[So as Lord Bowen thought, he is part of an Event.]”

“[He may BE the Event.]”

So. I have stats. And mana. That implies I have skills –

Rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr! Wheeeeeere did my hand goooooo? RIGHT HERE! Coochy-coo!

– and possibly spells. I might be able to escape after all.

“[Either way, if he can do that again…]” Joan mused.

“[He’d be extremely valuable for the village’s finances. We can’t afford to let him go. ]” Daniel replied firmly.

So let’s see who we’re dealing with…

POUNCE! Haha! Gotcha! You’re mine now!

Joan and Daniel turned.

An adorable elf boy was play-fighting with an adorable white kitten.

Time passed…

Joan winced, as if someone suddenly shouted right next to her ear.

“[Um. Right. Helssepoleese--]”

“Medic.”

“[What?]”

Language Comprehension (Common): + 1

He had learned “what”.

He pointed at her, while making “air quotes” with his other hand.

“Select. ‘Joan’, ‘Joaniekins’, ‘The Joanmeister,’ ‘Joanario’. ”

Joan Gedder

Level 6 Paladin

Her name and title appeared over her head. There was a red bar, but no blue bar for mana.

So Select worked…

When playing an MMO, it is VITALLY important that the spells you cast only hit who you want to hit. By targeting someone with Select you can ensure only that ONE person gets the spell, and that you didn’t accidentally blast the party member who just ran in front of you instead.

He pointed at himself, again making “air quotes”.

“’Medic’, okay?”

He pointed at Joan again, mixing another command into his speech.

“Examine you try it. ‘Medic’.”

Joan Gedder

Level 6 Paladin

Human Female

Strength: 15

Dexterity: 10 (12)

Constitution: 12

Intelligence: 12

Wisdom: 14

Charisma: 14 (18)

Hit Points: 35 / 35

Experience Points: 37,557 (75,000)

Armor: None

Weapons: Bronze Dagger, Dagger

Items: Holy Symbol

Money: G: 0 S: 0 B: 0

Level 1 Cleric Spells:

Command (used)

Scarred Body: -4 to Charisma, -2 to Dexterity

What the hell? Those aren’t LTO stats. They’re from a completely different game!

“’Medic.’”

“Good! Isn’t that easier to say?” He happily smiled at her, immensely relieved. He CAN be called something other than (ugh) ‘Healz Pleaze’.

SUCK IT, UNIVERSE!

For some reason she started blushing, but he couldn’t afford to give up this advantage.

“Close now you. Select. ‘Medic’. Examine?”

The popup window closed, and then re-opened with new information.

Daniel Bowen

Level 4 Aristocrat

Human Male

Strength: 10

Dexterity: 15

Constitution: 12

Intelligence: 17

Wisdom: 15

Charisma: 14

Hit Points: 18 / 18

Experience Points: 9,050 (18,000)

Armor: None

Weapons: Bronze Dagger

Items: Writing Board, Pocket Quill, Ink Bottle, Drying Dust, Touchstone, Scroll of Sleep

Money: G: 1 S: 0 B: 0

“[Oh, I can say your name perfectly well, Healz Pleaze.]”

Damn you.

He picked up the kitten and held it to his naked chest.

I didn’t want to try this, but you forced my hand!

With his best puppy dog eyes, he asked in a quiet and sad voice,

”You can’t?”

“Mew?” asked the kitten.

Daniel’s face immediately exploded into a nicely bright red color from the cuteness overload.

“[KUH! I just have to say it, right? That’s all, right? ‘Medic’.]”

“Good! Well done! Close.” He smiled, and all was right with the world again.

One more time: SUCK IT, UNIVERSE!

“[Damn it, this boy could make married men switch sides…]”

Daniel Bowen pulled out a scroll from underneath the newest chapter of his novel.

“[Using the Will of Somnus I cloud your mind, steal your energy and close your eyes. Sleep!]”

And the elf went down, his head hitting the pillow once more.

“[And THAT should keep you quiet until I can tell Lord Bowen in the morning everything that’s happened.]”

He got up and headed for the door.

Cynthia blinked.

“[Joan? Joooaaaannn?]”

Picking up the tiny white kitten, she got up to go as well.

“[Hmph. It looks like she went to bed already. Good night, kid.]”

She turned off the lights on her way out and closed the door.

THIS FREAKING CHAPTER. I swear, the characters all wanted a smoke break or something because it took far longer than I wanted to write it, and for some reason the line “” kept getting replaced by the command to start italics when I double-checked my formatting.[/i]