“Look who finally got a spine to push back for once,” I hear my game menu say. I don’t mean the sleek, minimalist option screen showing off my stats when I say that. That instead is replaced by a tall, voluptuous woman—curves in all the right places and well-endowed in the areas that matter most to lesser men. Long, blonde hair flowing down, gently laying on her delicate shoulders and an alluring look that would turn even the coolest heads into a stuttering puddle.

“Guess being a pervert is the only way to show your true colors,” she exclaimed, putting a damper on my cheekiness. She’s not at all reacting how I thought she would be.

Refusing to admit defeat, I prod further to get a better reaction out of her. It’s only fair after she did the same to me. “You’re awfully comfortable being genderbent out of nowhere,” I remark, trying to get a rise out of her.

“I’m a menu, born yesterday. What part of you makes you think I have reproductive organs? Is it your reproductive organ that’s asking the question or you?” Damn it. She turned it completely around on me!

She smirked. I forgot she knows what I’m thinking. “Yeah, you should keep your thoughts to yourself, ogling me like that is not gonna do anything for you,” she winked. Eventually, her impish grin fades and is replaced by a more neutral, serious visage. “We’ve got some talking to do still,” she beckons me to follow her to my compact couch. I didn’t even realize we were this close to each other in front of my bathroom with all that has been going on.

As we sit down, she adopts a pensive look, as if carefully trying to break some news to a toddler. “You know those cliche stories? Good-for-nothing bum gets transported to a new world to slay demons and fuck bitches? Yeah, It’s kind of like that, except there’s no bitches to fuck, and if there were, they wouldn’t be fucking you.”

I groan dejectedly. “Man, this story sucks. What’s the point even of fighting again? I got my ass beat. No way I’m going back into that weird Slurpee tunnel to get mauled by a tiny, malnourished Shrek-creature!” I even lost some of my groceries in there. Life is expensive enough as is.

For the first time since this whole fiasco, she seemed sympathetic towards my situation, “The thing is, you don’t have a choice. This is only the first stage. Eventually, you’ll have to face others, people who don’t get humiliated by the weakest creature in the book, and they won’t feel sorry for you. So either face the Otherworld and probably die or face the others and definitely die.”

Others? So I’m not even the only one that has to go through this. Even worse. Where I failed others succeeded in their battles, and I’m expected to compete with them? How will I even stand a chance if the difference is tremendous even in the first fight? “Oh, drop the doom and gloom charade! I’ll be honest with you. You suck ass. I was impressed just how bad you did. But luckily for you, you’ve got two advantages!”

Oh, boy can’t wait to hear this one,” what’s the advantage?” already dreading the answers.

“You’ve got me!” she exclaimed uncharacteristically bubbly. “Ok, but what’s the advantage?” I asked, choosing to sprinkle some sass on my predicament. She rolled her eyes, unperturbed by my attitude. If anything, it seemed to amuse her.

“Well, most people just have a regular old status window, if even that. On the other hand, you got yourself a sentient, sapient, dummy thick babe of a status window. One that could, oh I don’t know, assist you in training, leveling, and figuring out the path forward. Which you desperately need, I might add!” her statement did inspire hopeful sentiment inside me. Though I’m not nearly naïve enough to think that’ll be enough to survive on its own.

“What’s the second advantage then?” I muster after a few moments. She looks mischievous as if hoping I was going to ask that. “Well, silly, it’s your toilet, of course!”

“Ah, yes, of course. Though, in case the FBI is listening in, could you explain it to me anyway. So that they know too, of course,” I finish off in exaggerated confusion. “Portals are rare to find. Usually, people have to travel quite a bit to get to one, sometimes even compete with one another for the privilege of leveling in the Otherworld. You, however, got one real close to you. No competition whatsoever with hostile contestants. Even a weakling like you can stand a chance when pushed around long down there.”

Ugh, this feels like it’s too much. Why do I have to go through this hassle? “Oh, and we’re starting right now,” she mentioned nonchalantly. No time to waste, chop-chop!” she begins dragging me off to the portal against my will.

“What’s your name, by the way?” I’ve been calling her plenty of names, but I have yet to know her real one. “ she looks over, confused, “I was born yesterday; remember, I don’t have a name yet.” I ponder over it for a bit. “How about I give you one then? Maybe, Eva?”

“Like your manager, you’re trying to bone? Kinky, didn’t know you were this forward!” she laughs. I sputter out, “No, no, I mean as in the first human, seeing how you’re the first one of your kind.”

Eva lets out a warm laugh,” I know, I just like messing with you! I like Eva,” she said as we stand in front of the gate finally. “Now, let’s head out, Eugene. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover,” I hear as she steps into the portal, pulling me in with her.

Oh boy, I can already tell this is going to be more painful than the last time.