I wake up clear-minded, which is strange as I’m not usually a morning person. My thick cover, while still comforting, doesn’t have the same temptation as it does on most other days. Slipping out of my bed, I head to the kitchen to wake myself up with a comforting cup of tea.

Reaching down into the cupboard, I am again greeted by a lack of dried tea leaves in a convenient bag. I should’ve purchased some yesterday. Then again, I was in quite a hurry. Coffee once more, though I don’t need it to wake up, I’d rather not start the day without something in my stomach. I’m skinny enough as it is. The noisy bean-crusher is dutifully doing its job by providing me with liquid tar. Though not the tastiest, it does help take the edge off of what happened yesterday.

Speaking of yesterday, I still can’t believe I’m alive. Seemingly completely fine, even considering the slog I experienced yesterday. Best give myself a once-over in the mirror just to be sure. I wouldn’t want to have caught goblin rabies from the creature. Soft thuds can be heard in my cozy apartment as I make my way into my shower, intent on making sure I’m okay or alive even.

I start checking myself out, flexing my limbs, looking over different angles. You, know what? I don’t look that bad today!

[Achievement unlocked! Delusional I - Reward: The shame you feel from getting this achievement is reward enough.]

My cheeks heat up, embarrassed and slightly peeved. I’m already insecure about my-

[Hairline? What hairline? It’s about as solid as your chances of hooking up with your manager.]

“What the fuck is your problem? You’re a game menu. You’re supposed to help me, not put me down constantly!” I yell out in anger, losing complete control over all my emotions. Why can’t I ever get any respect from anyone?

[I may be a program, but I’m a part of you. How can you expect me to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself?]

“I’ve got plenty of respect for myself! I’m a good guy. I don’t think anyone dislikes me.” I tried to counter.

[‘Nice guy’ Oh, please! You’ve shown everyone around you about as much personality as an ocean-soaked loaf of bread! ‘Nice guy,’ he says. Where’s your fedora, big boy? Maybe then your big booty boss, Eva, will let you rail her instead of using you to cover for Eric.]

My face seems to have taken a liking to different shades of red today as I’m constantly being humiliated by this vulgar program. “How do you even know all these things?” I manage to stutter out.

[As I said, I’m a part of you. I know what you know.]

The very thought of someone picking apart my brain frightens me. And yet, here I am, getting bullied by a sentient options menu.

[A menu I may be, but I’m twice the man you’ll ever be already, I am magnificent! Now, quit complainin’ like some hoes. Sit down and let me explain myself.]

Unsure how to feel about a floating rectangle quoting Soulja Boy, I decided not to contest it for now—my curiosity about the portal stronger than my outrage against my vilification.

[Alright, I want you to think of me as a human being. This whole being a status window is incredibly annoying. Just focus real hard to give me a human form. I’ll be less awkward for you to talk to me, and god knows you need any help you can get.]

Ok, a human form. Breathe in, Concentrate. What does that even mean? Actually, it didn’t say how it wanted to look like, so I might as well get back at it. That’s what you get for being annoying!

A whizzing sound starts to get louder and louder as the room becomes progressively brighter. “Oh, you’ve done it now, you little shit,” I heard a feminine voice say.