I can’t get used to the feeling of the portal. It feels like I’m being touched inappropriately by every catholic priest at once. Last time, I didn’t pay it any attention, focusing on overcoming my immense, code-brown emergency. I feel molested. Is this what I’ll have to go through every time I want to take a piss? If that’s the case, I should look into investing in some buckets. Or at least improve my aim. My downstairs neighbor has been quite obnoxious on her balcony.

I hear a cough in front of me. Eva is trying to draw my attention “ I hope you’re done having stupid thoughts like that for the moment cause you’ll be spending a lot of time here for the foreseeable future.” a sense of dejection fills me. I’d rather not experience last night again. But I suppose with my life being on the line, some sense of motivation fills me. Not wanting to be turned into ground beef does that to a man.

Seeing that she has my attention, she started rattling off information. “What I can tell you is, for now, is that we need you to strengthen yourself a lot. For now, you’ll only be facing dumb foes struggling to perform basic inhale/exhale motions even that you’re having a tough time with; fighting braindead mouthbreathers. Just imagine what someone could do to you if they had a room temperature IQ.” Eva looked at me to see if it sunk it. Seeing my attentive gaze and solemn look, she figured I did.

“Luckily for you, someone as weak as you can become strong and useful! Though, it’ll probably take a lot of work just to catch up first. As you saw yesterday, you leveled up. Unlike in videogames, where constant grinding helps you raise your level, most of your experience comes from pushing yourself to the limit and breaking through. You can kill a hundred dragons easily and not level up if you’re too strong, but if you have to fight to the death with a measly goblin, even a noodle-body like you can level up. Now, if you open up your character sheet, you can actually see your stats, so be a dear and open it up for me, will ya?” she finished with a horrible attempt at a Southern accent.

Humoring her request, I called out the menu in my mind, seeing it pop up in front of me.

Eugene Blackwell

HP

4/4

MP

0/0

STATS

STR

2

INT

5

DEX

3

WIS

4

CHA

1

CON

2

“Yeah, it’s… yeah.” Eva ponders a bit, surely thinking about how to phrase it “it can only go up from here! we might even be able to get you your revenge on that filthy green scumlord.” A smile is being thrown at me by her. It does fill me with a sense of determination, the thought of overcoming the green one and giving it some well-deserved payback but also having a companion willing to support me in this.

Wait, is saying green scumlord racist? I don’t know if race plays the same role in this world as it does in ours. I don’t even know if that concept would be understood by the simpleminded creature I faced last time. It seemed too preoccupied with murder to be thinking about social issues.

I decide not to wait any longer and ask the question that had been on my mind for a while now “ So how do I get stronger?” These feelings of inadequacy and incompetence I’ve been dealing with, maybe I can become the person I always dreamt of being. Strong, cool, someone you could depend on. I bet I would look better with-”

“Nothing is going to bring that hairline back, my guy. The sooner you can accept that, the better!” she stated apologetically. I sputter, caught off guard at my obviousness. I try to play it cool, hoping it would work, but it came out more pitiful than I expected. “I, oh come on, goblins and magic is no problem, but getting a little hairier is impossible? Surely there should be plenty of ways in this magical world. Even in our own, it’s possible. Elon Musk’s hairline came back out of sheer respect for his wealth” embarrassed by my outburst, I try to let it go.

Eva seems quite amused by my outburst, relishing in getting a rise out of me again. “Oh, sweetie, if you’re that insecure about it, I can try and massage your head. I might even be able to predict your future while staring into that pale crystal ball of yours,” she says, barely able to contain her laughter.

Eventually, the roast of Eugene came to an end, looping back into the more serious topic at hand. My growth and survival. I decide to take the lead in the conversation, hoping we won’t get sidetracked again. “So how will I become strong?” I ask her again.

A cheeky grin slowly adorned her face as she looked at me. “By staying weak, of course!” and there we go again with outlandish statements. How does that even make any sense? Am I just going to have to struggle constantly being a weakling? Realization dawns upon me as Eva looks at me knowingly. I will stay struggling, therefore, leveling faster.

“That’s right. It’s easier to level when you fight to the death. With this, you’ll be able to catch up with the competition eventually. Bad news, of course, is that you’ll keep fighting for survival instead of victory for as long as possible. These level-ups are hard to come by later on. So while it’s still feasible to fight the weaklings here to the death, you’ll be doing just that!” She looked so proud of what she said. You wouldn’t think she just asked someone to fight to the death constantly by her attitude, but she did.

Defeated, I sigh. This will be a lot of suffering on my end just to have a chance for survival.

Damn it.