Hey, no need for that, my...best friend. Just a...little joke between friends right?

Oh, so that's how you wanna play it eh? Well, a REAL friend would buy me a cup of coffee every morning, right?

...Sure, I mean, that's what friends do after all...

They would also let me borrow their Memetendo system for a weekend.

Fine, but if you manage to destroy it again I'm killing you.

Come on, it only happened, at most, three times now. Have a bit of faith in your best friend alright?

...

Also, a good friend such as you-

No.

Only one last thing, I swear on my life.

...

Would go talk to HR instead of me right?

Huh, that's all?

Yep, that's all.

What's the hook?

What hook? I don't see any hook. You see a hook?

...Alright whatever, can't be so bad. What do I talk to them about.

Well remember how the resume of Mr. dick here was completely wrong.

Yes?

Well, go to HR and tell them that they probably fucked up.

No.

C’mon, it won't be so bad. The last guy who told them they were wrong was boss. And look at him now, he even lost some weight and got himself a fan club.

That's because they literally killed him and isekei’d him back to the office as a squirrel.

Exactly, and now he's more popular with the staff then ever. Just yesterday everyone fawned over him because he was so scared from bobs background image of a kitten that he hid behind an office plant. Tell me, don't you want to be that popular?

No.

Guess I’m just gonna tell Dave that you stole his food then. By the way, did you know he

just got through divorce? Yeah, he’s in a really bad place financially- and mentally right now.

I can't image what would happen if he finds out that one of the few people left he considers

friends would steal his hard earned food, poor little Dave...

...You are a horrible human being. And you make me feel horrible too.

Yep, have fun in HR, oh and tell bob hi from me when you see him, he should be around there doing some print outs.

...

...Hey Nick.

Uh? Oh, hey Dave...how long have you been here?

Oh, long enough...by the way, thanks for telling me I had a divorce, you know, I somehow completely forgot I had one man.

Oh..yeah, um-

You know, thinking about it, I don't remember being married in the first place Nick.

You know, I would just love to talk to you longer Dave, but I really have to do-

Nick.

...Yeah?

I thought we talked about how bullying your colleagues and spreading false rumors creates a toxic work environment...did you already forgot about the squirrel-accident you caused? Honestly, if the boss wasn’t so chill and your dad didn't own this company you would be drowning in lawsuits right about now...

No, I still remember. Wrote a whole lot of apology letters for that one...

Yeah. Poor you. By the way, your apology letters suck, I’ve read a few. Get a bit more creative next time will you?

...

Now please, kindly fuck off and do your work or I’m gonna tell your father what kind of mess your making in his company.

...Yes sir.

Good, now if you excuse me, I have to get some revenge for my poor blueberry muffin.

...Guess the bully rule doesn't apply to you huh.

What did you just say?

Just how great I think you are sir.

Yeah thought so.

…

Really, how was I supposed to know they would fucking kill our boss just because I told him about how it could maybe, just maybe be their fuck up and he asked them about it…well, I’m sure they’ll be more friendly now that they’re dealing with a relatively new colleague...well either that or we have more squirrels. So a win-win scenario for me. Surely won’t end badly for me, right?

But it did end badly for him. He scarred our dear food stealing colleague, made the HR team barricade themselves in their part of the office and declare themselves a new nation, while Dave died trying to save a basket of muffins. And then they all kissed and got super pregnant. The End.

Hey, fuck you Kevin, I’m still the narrator here.

Lol, not my fault you suck at your job. By the way, you dad wanted to see you, probably pissed about something you’ve done again.

…

Shit.