Episode 5 Part 1: The Village of Doomed

Things have escalated at an alarming pace, I must be reaching the mid-point of the season. On an unrelated note, what kind of name is Doomed for a village or anything for that matter? That’s like naming your planet Destroiya. Seriously, talk about a bad omen. Okay, now I know what you’re thinking: people are dying, every second counts so I shouldn’t do an opening. Well that’s totally wrong. Openings happen in Za Warudo time, that’s elite weeb speak for time stops while they are running. Don’t forget this, okay? Gakouin died to pass on this message to us all. Anyways, without any more delay, let’s begin the opening.

A flamboyant voice suddenly grates against my ears. “Just who are you talking to, Boiya?”

“Ugh, don’t say that. It’s creepy. I’m talking to my audience obviously. Been putting on my voice recorder to capture my authentic overreactions to things like most Tubers. As soon as I get home, I’m going to create a new series.”

“Well then you best conserve your energy. I’ll take over the opening for now,” says Flam from inside my head.

“I don’t need your sympathy and I certainly don’t want you butting in!”

“Too bad! You’ve been replaced. I’m more popular and so I can do whatever I want. Cue the opening,” says Flam.

“I look into the mirror. Oh, I strike a pose! And now I’m brushing my hair lusciously… lusciously. Oh yeah, I’m going to get even hotter! Now there’s a slide show of me lying naked with a bunch of girls I don’t know. Main did you see yourself on top of me!? Oh yes! Then my hand is reaching out to my dearly departed wife. Why are you surprised? Of course I was married. Now all the people are fondling me. But then I get bored and order my cat boys to slaughter them all. I can’t help it; a maiden does get bored after all. I’m now rubbing my nipples on top of a mountain of dead villagers. Nothing gets me off like true love after all! I’m then shot with a gun. I catch the bullet, swallow it and then I slice off the attacker’s head with my stylish scarf. I look at my hands to see your precious girlfriend getting one of my famous massages. I’d love to give you one when you come and visit. Glasses Kid is in the back crying like a little baby. I jump up and punch him, creating the title with pink roses. I’m The Love Dictator! Yes yes yes! Flam Von De Viva! Oh yes! I’m The king of this world! And I’m going to get Main’s delectable ass! Why…because I’m just so cute!” exclaims Flam, his voice radiating through my head.

“You took my dramatic theme song and made it all about sex! Just leave me alone!”

“Foolish little treat, we’re connected like a Shinigami and his victim.”

“Wait you’ve seen Bleached? Or is that a Dead Note reference?”

“The only entertainment I enjoy is the theatre!”

“Whatever! Just shut up. I’m doing the episode prequel! Don’t you dare interrupt me.”

“I thought you wanted to skip it. Alright, I’ll let you have your little fun this time, my love,” says Flam as if he was right next to me.

Ugh, why couldn’t my new psychotic admirer be a gorgeous woman with big tits and blue hair like IcDeath? At least I can reason with this creep. Okay, best to keep the recap brief don’t want him learning anything he doesn’t already know.

Last time on Main Character, Stalker was kidnapped by Flamboyant Villain. He stole my virgin lips, awakening the true power of my awesome hair. Wait, does this make me a Steal Angel? Just before leaving, he said that he sent his forces to attack the Village of Doomed.

“Bravo! You actually did an accurate recap!” exclaims Flam in awe.

“What’s that supposed to mean? You only bonded with me recently, no way you know what I’ve said in past episodes.”

“Not another word from you. I won’t spoil the surprise. I’ll only return when you want to chat. Enjoy the spotlight while you can!” exclaims Flam before leaving my head.

Damn it, that bastard took Stalker away! I was just about to make her my friend too…well, I was working on it. Now I’m faced with a big decision. I should go and save the village. That’s sure to yield some major hero points. Then again…I really do want to know B.F.’s sexual preference. Damn it, I’ve always been indecisive. Wow, this is such a sudden time to reveal this. Big decisive moments are my greatest weakness, that’s why Infinite is the only AquaShock game I’ve played. To understand the severity of this I should explain. One time Best Friend and I were at a free domain theme park. We were holding hands so I wouldn’t get lost, it was so cute! He turned to me and asked me what ride I wanted. I looked over the attraction guide, and well, I got overwhelmed. I awoke in a hospital bed and learned that I fainted on the spot. Since then I’ve decided to leave the decision making to other people. Problem is the only person with me right now is a creepy molester who burns villages for fun.

“Where are we going?” asks a voice behind me.

The voice belonged to Friendship, my rocket launcher buddy. I hardly recognize Ultima since the gun wasn’t boiling with rage and bursting with profanity.

Hold up!

The whole time I was talking I was running to the village. He got me distracted so that I would break apart from my team. Well jokes on him. A real hero doesn’t need help. All I have to do is take out some enemy fodder. Cheap hero points here I come!

Does that make me like BarnaB? And is that a bad thing? No more distractions, I have to stay focused. Falcon was killed by nameless asura and I don’t want to succumb to the same tragic fate.

Friendship pipes up behind me. “You know, you’re the first person to ever treat me like…well, a person. If you’re really going in there to save those moving targets, then I’ll help out. But I’m doing it my way. Shoot to kill. So don’t you dare try to aim anywhere but the flesh.”

“Yes Sir, uh, I mean Ultima.” I pat my gun. “Hey, so what brought this on? Emotional heart to heart is supposed to come after we’ve had a cool fight.”

“I saw you and your bestie fighting…let’s just say it brought up some memories. Friendly fire is no joke so don’t ever ask me to attack an ally.”

“I’m not asking you for anything, but I really appreciate you offering to help.”

“Get ready. There might be some hiding just outside the village.”

I scan the trees and spot one. The soldier’s jade eyes gleam in the night.

“Easy target. Okay, now keep me steady. Brace me against your chest. That’s it.”

“How about after this, we go find some lovely ladies to polish you,” I say with a grin.

“Don’t ever assume my sexuality, you little $#!+. And stay focused. If you’re mind isn’t in the present moment, you’ll die and I’ll be abandoned.” Friendship’s voice quivered.

Even rocket launchers have feelings in this place. Oooh, I hope it can transform into a big breasted ninja girl. Not that I’m assuming it’s sex; just keeping my hopes up is all.

I wasn’t paying attention and the tree in the distance is aflame. Oh and apparently I fell on my ass from the recoil.

That’s odd. I didn’t have trouble with it before.

“Phew! Haven’t gotten a kill in a long time. Feels good to be back. Really good!” says my sadistic weapon.

I look ahead to see a wooden barrier with a cat face on it.

“Looks like they’ve blocked off the entrance. Want to blast through?” I ask, crouching down.

“I need you to load up a couple rounds. Say something corny about love or some $#!+.”

“Umm, okay. Love is the most powerful magic there is. How was that?”

“Ugh, sickening. But not enough. If you don’t mean it, then it won’t refuel me.”

“How does that fuel you?”

“I’m the ultimate hero weapon! Friendship speeches give me ammunition and charisma powers up my shots. Don’t think that means I’m dependent on you!”

“I didn’t think that! Not for a moment. Okay.” I take a deep breath. “Friendship is more important than family,” I say with a bit of a dark edge.

Friendship shoots out a powerful beam that not only pierces the barrier, but explodes into a building in the distance.

“That was freaking epic!” I exclaim, rushing behind a tree while the smoke clears.

“You mean it? You…really mean it?”

Tears start pouring from my weapon.

“Umm, are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course I am, you little $#!+. Why wouldn’t I be? Just uh, give me a moment.”

Shit! A catboy spots me.

I come out from cover and fire.

A blast of water comes out from my emotional killing machine.

The catboy cries out and runs off in tears.

“Phew, I feel better now. Just had a little something in my heart. It’s gone. Let’s get back to killing these pussies. Yes, ha! I tricked the auto censor. I meant that in the vulgar way but it didn’t register! Victory!” exclaims Friendship.

“Hey, I don’t think my female viewers will appreciate you using pussy as an insult.”

“Nobody cares. Go in, but do it slowly. Got it?”

I officially arrive at the Village of Doomed. The screaming cries of agony and smell of smoke put me on edge.

I’m a four-year old going into a warzone. Damn, I’m epic.

I rush up and lean against the wall.

I didn’t notice the wall before. Hope that doesn’t mean there are giant eunuchs in the area.

“Now things will get tricky,” say Friendship. Save who you can, but don’t think you can save everyone. This is a war zone not a playground. You don’t want to mess this up. This village hired you to protect them. Show those @$$holes you’re worthy!”

That’s right. This is the first village I’ve ever rescued. A hero’s first village liberation is a very important moment in their legacy. I’ve got to do this right, with as few casualties as possible. Well, that might be a little difficult.

I peek out from behind cover.

Thank you, Gears, for everything you’ve taught me.

The village looks a bit different then I remember. Half of it is on fire and there are bodies and blood littering the streets. There’s a birdbath too and a little bird cleaning his feathers with the blood. This is awkwardly cute.

Jade eyes spot me. I hoist up Friendship.

If I’m going to be a great hero, I need to at least fool people into thinking I’d give up my life for background characters.

“Don’t shoot! My name is Carl. I like living,” says the catboy.

My weapon glares at him. “Sounds like a fake name and he’s hiding something behind his back. Just lift me and I’ll do the rest.”

They have names. They aren’t supposed to have names. Every marine killed by the Mugiwaras was nameless. That’s how it should be.

“Why shouldn’t I kill you?” I ask, half-raising my gun.

“I’m just a recruiter. I don’t kill people. I find the cute ones, rescue them from the carnage and bring them to the Caste of Dreams.”

“Hands above your head. No sudden movements,” I say, noticing four other catboys approaching.

Shit. This isn’t easy. Good thing I have hair power now!

“Go hair! Destroy my enemies!” I exclaim to the skies.

Nothing happens, well other than me getting shot in the leg with a crossbow.

Friendship fires a shot, but it misses and explodes into a building instead.

Someone stands in front of me.

Nice legs. Wait, is that Best Friend?

“Have no fear because I am here,” says the boy with muscular legs in the worst Tall Might impression ever. They throw a Molotov cocktail while yelling “Virginia Smash!”

Another one drops out behind the enemy wearing an orange jumpsuit with an Uchihot emblem. “Nasuke is here, you better believe it!” he exclaims before shooting a swirling wind of electricity at his enemy.

One final wannabe shouts atop a building. She is a bit chubby but not obese and is wearing a mock Sailor Uniform that says “Cosplay is not Consent.” Only girls who want to be touched would wear something like that. Too bad, I’m a gentlemen and won’t hit on the mentally challenged.

The young woman strikes a pose and says “In the name of the moon, I shall fuck you up!” She leaps down in front of the cat boy and whacks him repeatedly with her staff. He blocks with a bouquet and gets down on his knees. After some unintelligible dialog, he picks her up bridal style and runs off.

Friendship mutters beneath me. “Damn traitor. Get up, you don’t want to be upstaged by the Shounen Force!”

“The what?”

“They’re a band of heroes who have been hired by your village. Why aren’t you getting up?”

“See, the problem is once I’ve fallen, I can’t get up. I’m not like Noruto, Luffi or Gokun. I have a back lock that kicks in. It doesn’t hurt but it renders me useless.”

“Press my face into the dirt,” says Friendship.

“Huh?”

“You need the support. Just do it! You’re my first hero and I’m not going to let you die. Got it, @$$hole?”

“Yeah.” I press Ultima against the ground, but I still topple over.

A hand reaches out to me and hoists me up.

“Yo kid, you alright?” asks Nasuke. He lifts me up, or is it a she? Sometimes it’s hard to tell with these cosplayers.

“I’m fine. I have Friendship.”

“That hunk of junk is your friend?” He or she scratches their chin.

“Point me at ‘em so I can blast that @$$hole to hell!” yells Friendship.

“You’re not from the Overt Leaf Village are ya, kid?”

“I’m from Japan, the capital of Earth,” I say with a grin.

“You must be new. We’re hero team Battle Ships.”

“You mean like General Battle Ship?” I ask.

“No. Like anime ships. I’m Nasuke.” Nasuke throws an electric kunai at a catboy that was leaping down to attack. The wannabe ninja then pulls it out. “It’s way harder to fight without killing in the real world. Gratsu, this one needs healing!”

A short figure peeks out from behind a barrel. “I’m too busy healing the villagers. Let ‘em bleed out! I’m all fired up!”

Nasuke lets go of my hand and shouts. “You can’t just randomly say that without context.”

“You dressed me up like this! I’m a girl damn it!”

“Stay in character or we will abandon you!” yells Nasuke.

“So who are the others?” I ask.

“The strong guy with the black hair is DekuMight. And the girl who betrayed is MarsMoon. You can join us too. I can make you a ZoSan cosplay. I bet you’d look so hot!” Nasuke exclaims, shaking his or her hips.

“I already have my own team. I don’t want to be part of your band of sex starved gay shippers,” I say, stepping back.

“Well then go die. The world is better without homophobes.”

ToshiDeku approaches us. “Young man, stop flirting. We need to find a way to put out the fires.”

“Don’t order me around. I wanted you to be BakuDeku. You do realize that All Mighty is old enough to be Dekku’s dad, right? You’re a grown man don’t you get how weird it is to go up to rando boys and ask them to swallow your DNA?” asked Nasuke.

“At least my ship isn’t denied in cannon.”

Ugh, why did they have to bring that up?

Friendship mutters to me so the others can’t hear. “Hey, find some cover. I’m sensing more enemies on my radar.”

I look at the burning buildings around me. “Wait, you can shoot water, right?”

“Yeah, that’s right. No matter what your gender is it’s perfectly acceptable to cry!” yells Friendship.

“We can put out the buildings with your water bullets! Then we’ll beat these wannabees!” I cheer, hoisting up Friendship.

“Is all you care about some damn scoreboard. Ugh, I thought you were different.”

I spot the brothel.

Best Friend isn’t here to tell me no. Now may be my only chance to see what mysteries await inside.

I notice a little boy trapped under a piece of rubble. I also notice there are three catboy soldiers nearby.

I can’t let him die like Uchio.

You may be wondering why an anime character’s death affects me so much that I’ll stupidly risk my life to save a kid. Well if you are wondering that, then you obviously haven’t seen Clannaid’s Afterstory.

Why is everything going hazy? Is this from blood loss or, oh shit. I’m having a flashback! In the middle of a warzone my mind is wandering, damn it!

Best Friend and I are snuggled up to each other inside a blanket. He grabs my hand. “Why is he taking her outside. It’s too cold. She’s too weak.”

I watch my dearest friend’s crimson eyes water up.

“Uchio! Uchio!” he cries out. “Wake up! Wake up!”

For the first time ever. I see my Best Friend swept in tears. He hugs me tightly and sobs against my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

That night he fell asleep in my arms. I had to hold back my own tears till he was out. I then sobbed myself to sleep.

Every time a child dies, Best Friend cries his eyes out. I won’t ask you to donate to save starving children while I take ninety-nine percent of the profit. But I don’t ever want to see those fearless eyes swept up in misery ever again.

Before I realize it, I’m just above the injured kid.

“You’re a good guy, Main,” says Friendship.

I grab the heavy wood and try to lift it.

“Move aside!” DekuMight slams into me. “We’re saving everyone. Don’t get in our way.”

A catboy with a black German soldier complete with a cute sailor hat get up and tosses a knife.

Hair, grab the knife!

My hair doesn’t budge.

The knife pierces the kids throat and he cries as he drowns in his own blood.

My mind jumps back to the moment when my Best Friend is in misery and I’m unable to do anything.

I was so helpless. I still am. I’ve always been helpless. And now a little boy is dead because I was too weak.

“Why did you stop me!” I yell.

My hair suddenly whips into action, becoming a massive fist that slams into DekuMight. The cosplayer is sent off his feet and crashes into a building where he is buried.

“What the fuck did you just do?” asked Nasuke, aiming a kunai at me.

The catboy general smiles. “You’re already fighting amongst each other. Allow me to assist you.” He takes out a weapon.

Can a musical instrument be a weapon? Well, the legendary devil hunter seems to think so; who am I to argue.

“He has a harp.” Friendship’s voice is as cold as death.

“Is that a problem?” I ask.

Nasuke waves at his or her allies. “Everyone the catboy general is here! Forget the villagers! Get the hell away! I’m going to take down this bastard, believe it!”

“What are you doing, run!” yells friendship.

“Where?” I ask, wiping my tears.

“Somewhere with a lot of noise!”

My eyes shift to the brothel. “Well, if I have no choice.”

I run off, abandoning the desperate screams of the villagers.

“Hero, save me.” “My child is in that building!” “You’re our hero, damn it. Do something!”

A voice plays in my head. “Their cowardly hero flees from a threat he doesn’t understand into a building that will give him a reward he doesn’t deserve.”

Even my own ego knows I’m a piece of shit.

Wait, that isn’t my voice.

“Poor pathetic boy. Come into my kingdom and all your worries will melt away,” says Flam.

The sound of his voice is completely overshadowed by the beautiful sight before me.

The brothel is a disco themed magical wonderland. Rays from the central disco ball hit the tiles beneath, shifting their color. CGI fish swim along the walls and sexy women are fighting catboy soldiers while wearing fetish gear.

Heaven exists after all.

“You’re finally here. Not that I was waiting for you. Well, are you just going to stand there?” asks a girl in a police military hybrid suit. She swings a massive pink mace with red spikes into an enemy catboy, bursting his head like a watermelon.

I turn my head and barf.

Everything looks way more gruesome when it’s live action.

“Nice one! That is disgusting.” She giggles and then covers her mouth. “You didn’t hear anything, got it?”

Yes! A tsundere tomboy! Finally this place is starting to feel more like a dream than a nightmare.

A catboy in a blue school swimsuit and black tie lands. Is he wearing bunny slippers? Oh shit, he has a sailor hat too. That means he’s a general, right?

“Get behind me, boy. Not that I care if you die,” says the tsundere.

Oh she totally cares. I have to get her to call me idiot! I just have to!

“No need to be so formal. I prefer you call me master,” I say with one hell of butler’s charm.

The tsundere blushes which regrettably leaves her open to the enemy’s attack.

The general slams his fist into her, sending my dream girl off her feet. The cutie pie tomboy is blasted up and down by the insane recoil.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Was that a kugi punchi!?

The catboy turns to me. “If you don’t tell me where it is, I’ll have to kill you,” he says, not being specific at all.

Alright no biggie. This is where the viewer gets to see how the hero’s training has paid off. Only problem is, I don’t know how to activate my power and I haven’t trained with it at all.

I throw a chair at the enemy. He punches it aside and crosses his arms beneath his chest. “That all ya got?”

Hold up, that’s not a guy’s chest. Those are boobs. It that a girl?

“She is indeed,” says Flam, who apparently can read my thoughts. “Do you want her, Main? I could turn her into your pet if you give up on this pointless rebellion.”

A real life tomboy catgirl.

“Is your name Rover?” I ask.

“Huh? That’s a dog’s name. Are you making fun of me?” she asks, rushing toward me.

A swordswoman dressed as a miko, or shrine maiden for those of you who aren’t cultured, steps into the catgirl general’s path and takes a swipe.

The catgirl’s body bends back at an awkward angle, avoiding the strike.

“You will not harm the Hero of Destiny,” says the miko before rushing in.

“Swipe her feet,” says another soldier. “She’s only practiced so she’s never had to properly guard herself.”

“Ugh! Nobody asked for your advice!” yells the tomboy catgirl before knocking the miko off her feet and following up with a punch that sent her flying through the roof.

I take a closer look at the smart soldier. Well first off, it’s obviously a girl and those ears are obviously fake. Wait, I know who she is! Her blond and orange hair looks just like a fruit bowl, after all.

Yes! I found Banana Man’s daughter! If I save her here, then I get some extra XP before I have to storm Glam Castle to rescue Stalker.

“Your father is Banana Man, right?” I ask to the girl who is in the corner of the room.

“I have no father,” she says in a cold tone.

“He misses you! He wants you to come home.”

“I burnt down his precious produce stand myself. I’m not coming back to this worthless village. It’s all burning down tonight!” she exclaims, her eyes flashing with cruelty.

He probably should have mentioned that she’s a psychopath. Details do matter.

The catgirl tomboy, having defeated all the fetish warriors, returns her gaze to me. “I’ll give you two options: come with me to the castle or run away from the village and don’t come back. There is a third option where I kill you for not picking option one or two, but you don’t want that.”

Could she know about my weakness? Flam, did you tell her?

“You think I’d share your precious secret? You wound me,” says Flam.

I should ask Friendship for advice. No. My weakness cost that poor boy his life. I have to step up.

“Hey, woman who breaks the gender boundary, I’m making a decision.”

“Well, what is it?”

“I’ve decided to follow the wisdom of D. and just take the most dangerous route in all cases.”

“What are ya, some kinda idiot?” she asks, leaning over and giving me a nasty look.

Tsunderes aren’t quite as charming in real life apparently. I’m glad I already have a totally real girlfriend who isn’t a pillow.

I lift up Friendship. “My friends are my power!”

The whole rocket launcher glows before releasing a super powerful explosion. The whole area before me is consumed in a crimson flame.

“Not a bad shot!” The tomboy general has her claws dug into the disco ball above.

She dodged it! They aren’t supposed to dodge! Ceaza Clown didn’t dodge! Why did she freaking dodge!?

The catgirl general drops down and kicks the bazooka out of my hand.

“A failed weapon for a failed hero. I’ve seen all kinds, but none are as pitiful as you.” She kicks me down.

Oh yes. Keep underestimating me, bitch.

My hair pushes off the ground and then wraps around my fist. I sock her in the face, knocking her off her feet.

“Did that hurt?” I ask, my hair bringing her in for another punch to the face.

“Those eyes. Those aren’t contacts. I thought he was the only one.”

“Can we not play the pronoun game? Who is he?”

“You’re the reason we’re here, silver eyes.” She punches my hair but her fist passes through hits the ground. The floor shatters and she is flung backward. The tomboy general tugs on my hair and brings me toward her next attack.

I have to dodge. A single hit will…

My mind goes blank.

I slam against the ground.

Blood everywhere. What’s that white…oh god those are my ribs.

My chest is burst open and my bones are jutting out.

“Oh, you don’t look to good,” says Flam in my head.

Great. The last thing I’m going to hear is this asshole.

“You poor thing,” says my sworn enemy. “I expected you to flee. I didn’t order her to kill you. Such a shame. Your plot armor weakened when I stole your theme-song. How very interesting. When I bond with someone, I feel their pain. I’ll be with you till the very end.”

“No. I’m not going to die here! I REJECT!”

Episode 5 Part 2: My First Village

The catgirl’s fist speeds toward me but my hair yanks her foot, making her miss.

Did that really just work!

“This is a power unlike any I’ve seen,” says Flam.

“Are you just sucking dick or do you actually mean that?”

There’s an orange mist around me. What happened?

“I must leave you for now. Your life is far more important than I thought.”

Good. Finally got rid of that creep.

The tomboy lands and glares at me. “Ugh. Apparently, I’m not allowed to kill you.”

My shadow suddenly moves in front of me and takes form.

Oh, it’s Assailant.

“Where is my daughter!?” His swirling eyes quiver with worry. “Where is she…where’s my little Anolette?” asks Assailant, his whole body phasing in and out.

“You’re not supposed to say her real name,” says Best Friend, leaning against the entrance to the brothel. His eyes turn to me. “And you, young man. What do you think you’re doing here?”

“She brought me here!” I point to the tomboy. “And she tried to get me drunk too!”

“Diagonal or vertical?” asks Best Friend, hoisting up the fallen miko’s sword.

Assailant pops up in front of him. “Save your power. I can take this one.”

“He’s going to send his blades out at your sides,” says Fruity.

Assailant’s head turns to face me as he sends out his sharpened tendrills at the enemy. “Where is my daughter?”

“Shouldn’t you focus on the enemy?” I ask, with a nervous grin.

The tomboy leaps over his attack and punches his tendrils. Gushing sounds were accompanied with purple fluids spraying the area.

She can punch through those.

“Fire,” says Assailant.

“That’s right,” says the tomboy. “This whole place is going to burn!”

Assailant pulls apart his chest.

Six arrows shoot through the hole.

“I didn’t know they had another helper,” says Fruity, with horror in her eyes.

Two arrows pierce the tomboys knees, another two gouge her eyes. The final two find a new home in her heart and throat.

Best Friend rushes up, pulls the blood out from the wounds and shapes it into a sword while shivering.

Is that blood lust or is he scared?

“Crimson Karma.” Best Friend slices her legs and arms off before severing her head.

Wow. That was pretty gruesome.

The blood from the severed neck splashes on his face.

He flips his hair to shake it off, but it just serves to make it sparkle in the disco light.

He turns his attention to Fruity and speeds up to her.

She shrieks and shields her face.

“If you can see the future, you shouldn’t be afraid,” he says, cleaning the blood out from his hair with trembling fingers and a quivering lip.

“You’ve killed so many and…you’re…”

Best Friend places the sword against her throat. “I’m here to save you but if you say even one word about me, I’ll have to deliver your head to your father,” he says, slowly cutting into her neck.

Fruity nods and soils herself.

I really respect the dedication he has to keeping his mysterious charm strong. The more I don’t know about him, the more I want to know!

“The threat has been neutralized. So, where is she? If you don’t say, I may end up going a bit loopy and cutting up everything in sight,” says Assailant as his body distorting and sharpening.

“Everyone just relax.” Glasses Kid walks into the brothel. He’s wearing headphones with kitty paw emblems. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for her sudden disappearance. I’ve thought of over thirty possible scenarios. If we brainstorm together, we can decide which one’s the most likely.”

“Want last mushroom?” asks Brawny Babe, totally not reading the serious vibes.

“Nice shooting,” says Best Friend, pulling out the arrows from the catgirl general’s corpse. “And good job tracking Main down.”

“Today on vacation. Very busy rest of year,” she says, turning away.

Best Friend turns to Assailant. “Control yourself. Your daughter would disown you if you harmed the hero. And I would make some new gloves out of her skin.”

Assailant’s body collapses into a puddle. “I’m just worried about my little girl.”

“Main, do you know anything?” asks Best Friend, approaching me.

When he looks at me with those eyes I just…

I fall to the ground.

Best Friend rushes up to me and pulls me up before I hit the floor. He presses his forehead to mine.

“You’re conflicted about something. Go ahead Main, tell me. I promise to make it all better,” says Best Friend sweetly combing my hair.

Heaven isn’t a place. It’s a person. I feel so warm.

“We need to know what happened,” says Best Friend.

Glasses Kid stands atop the bar counter. “Flamboyant Villain appeared! He took Stalker! And the Village of Doomed is under attack!” He hopes down and smiles at me. “Is that correct?”

I nod. “I don’t know what to do. Please, Best Friend, decide for me!” I beg him, grabbing onto his shirt in tears…manly tears.

Best Friend slaps me.

He actually slapped me.

“You’re our leader. You have to be the one to make the decisions now. You’re the hero here, I’m just supposed to stand around and look cool, right?” he asks with his trademark invisible smile.

“She’s my daughter! And it’s my village. If anyone should decide, it should be me!” yells Assailant, standing erect like a pillar.

“Nope. That’s actually completely wrong.” Glasses Kid shoots a confident look at Assailant who glares at him. The know-it-all turns away. “Considering you are emotionally invested, you’re actually the least likely to make the right decision. I’m currently deciding the best course of action, taking into consideration any and all extraneous variables, of course.”

“No, Best Friend is right. I’m the leader of this team. The decision rests on me. I’ve decided…since Stalker is Assailant’s daughter and it’s his village, he should decide!” I exclaims with great conviction, shoving the burden away.

Now all those lives aren’t my responsibility.

“You’ve grown into a fine young man. Knowing when to let other’s decide shows true leadership. I couldn’t be more proud of you,” says Best Friend, giving me a proud pat on the back.

Assailant body twists as he speaks. “I murdered my parents because of this damned village. Then I was put through grueling training for the next fifteen years of my life. There is nothing in existence that I despise more than that village. Despite all that, it’s my only home. It’s where I raised Stalker. I have so many fond memories. And they will forever be memories. Let it burn to the ground. We have to go rescue my daughter!” exclaims Assailant firmly.

“Last call for mushroom. Still hot,” tempted Brawny Babe, desperately eager to make conversation.

“It looks like my inference was spot on. I can still impress myself even now!” cheers Glasses Kid, patting his back.

“Do you know where Glam Castle is?” I ask Assailant.

“It’s right past the Bridge of Collapse. I’ll lead us there in no time,” says Assailant.

This doesn’t feel right. There’s only one choice here that makes any sense. Time for me to be both a leader and a hero.

“Go on ahead without us. I’m not going to just ignore the cries of those starving people. Best Friend, Brawny Babe, Glasses Kid, we’re going back to the village. I wish you luck in saving your daughter,” I say to Assailant before hoisting up Friendship and rushing off in the other direction.

“I’m not sure if you made the right choice,” says Glasses Kid, being carried by Brawny Babe as we exit the building.

“That’s not important. As long as he makes a decision and sticks with it, he’ll grow stronger. I’m proud of you Main,” smiled Best Friend, speed-walking right next to me.

“I guess no want mushroom?” asks Brawny Babe, poking my shoulder.

“I’ll take it if you’ll join my team,” I say with a slick smile.

“Temporary only. Many things to do. Busy woman,” she lied.

“Of course,” I say, snatching the mushroom of alliance from her grip.

Ah, nothing like the sweet taste of psychological manipulation.

Best Friend pulls the blood out of a body and shapes it into a spear. He tosses it into an incoming enemy soldier. “Main, I saw what you did back there. You’ve unlocked your potential as well.”

“Yeah, and I did it all on my own. So uh, how did you do it?” I ask Best Friend.

“I accepted my own fabricated truth. Then I was able to manipulate blood. It was rather simple, nothing all that interesting,” he says, looking so incredibly cool as he tosses blood kunai at two enemies above us.

“Hey guys, do you think I’ll gain a new ability?” asks Glasses Kid excitedly.

“Not likely. Little coward boy only hide,” says Brawny Babe.

“Hey, at least I can dodge!” he retorted angrily.

“I’ll never understand the point of dodging,” says Best Friend coolly, shielding me from an incoming arrow. He sharpens the arrows tip with the blood from his injury before sending it back at the enemy.

“Never get caught. No need to dodge,” says Brawny Babe, waiting for the enemy to take aim before firing an arrow in their skulls.

“We don’t have time to waste on unimportant henchmen,” says Best Friend, piercing his sharpened hand through one of the catboys.

Blood burst out from the soldier’s chest. Best friend molds the blood into a sword and then solidifies it. With a single elegant slash, two thugs lose their heads.

“I think I’ve got the hang of this,” says Best Friend calmly.

Wow, looking at this village now I’m really able to admire its beauty. The fire and smoke really gives it some personality. Most of the buildings are made from wood and leaves, so the flames spread very quickly. It’s a bit too hectic for a first village, but I can handle it.

Another cat boy leaps into our path.

“Okay Glasses Kid, you take care of the next one,” I say, waiting for a large crowd to show everyone my new ability.

“I’m not a fighter!” yells Glasses Kid, holding onto Brawny Babe’s leg.

A rope wraps around his neck and pulls him into the arms of a deranged cat boy.

“Aren’t you just adorable? You should join us,” says the henchman.

“Wow, does this gun really work?” asks Glasses Kid, reaching into the thug’s pocket. He aims the gun right at the soldier and fires it, releasing a water bullet. He took this moment to slip out of the criminal’s hands and join up with us.

“Why do you have such a useless weapon?” asks Brawny Babe, aiming right at the murderer’s neck.

“I’m a recruiter. I’m sent in to find possible allies!” he says, crying pathetically.

Oh great, another one of these guys.

“What the hell are they after?” I ask, taking the initiative and grabbing him by his collar.

“Our king wants you! We’re after your prophecy. Now please don’t kill me,” he cries.

“Evil deserves no mercy,” I say, holding Friendship up.

“Justice is pointless. I’ll deal with him,” says Best Friend, putting his hand on my gun and lowering it.

“No. As a hero, I need to fight for that shit,” I say, pulling the trigger.

The bastard’s head was blown to bits.

Why do I feel like I did something bad? Oh, it’s probably just my stomach reacting to that mushroom.

“Blood and gore! Now that’s what I’m talking about. Maybe I’ll stay with you after all,” says Friendship as if Utlima had a choice.

Best Friend turns to the gun. “Thanks for keeping him safe.”

“Um, guys. Did you not hear what he said?” I ask. “They’re after my prophecy! The stone slab should be in the hospital. But do you really think a hunk of rock can control me?” I ask my team.

“I assure such absurdities are absolutely impossible,” reassures Glasses Kid, climbing on Brawny Babe’s shoulder.

“Whether it does or doesn’t is irrelevant. I’m not going to leave something that important to chance. Main, lead the way. I’ve always lacked a sense of direction,” says Best Friend, his hair shimmering in the moonlight.

“Wait one freaking second…where the hell is Boobs?” I ask suddenly.

“Assailant has. Keeps safe inside body,” replies Brawny Babe.

“And you just let her leave!? What the hell?” I yell furiously.

“She hasn’t done anything for the team. She’s just a pillow,” says Glasses Kid.

“And what have you accomplished you little shit!?” I ask him angrily.

“We all have a role to play. We need to keep moving!” yells Best Friend, creating a mist of blood to give us some cover. “War zones are where I function the best.”

Some village soldiers meet up with us, wearing leaf armor.

Are these heroes too? They look so generic. Where’s Nasuke?

“You’re a hero, right?” asks the least frightened of the bunch.

I point to my spiky hair.

“Where do you need us? We’re ready to give our lives for the village.” He turns to the other four frightened young men. “Right?”

They nod nervously.

“Okay. Here’s what you’re going to do.” I beckon them all to come close. “You all have basic colored hair so that means you’re basically fodder to make the cat soldiers seem strong. You need to find a fruit stand, get some grapes and mash them into your hair. Get some color and some style or else you will die!”

“And stay away from the South Side,” says Glasses Kid. “The digital map I borrowed says there’s a catboy general there.”

Must be the one with the harp.

“How are you so brave?” asks a soldier, using blood to paint his hair red.

I smile and look at Best Friend. “I’ve always had someone to support me.”

“Yuck,” says Friendship. “That came from the heart, didn’t it? Yeah, I’m ready to blast some @$$holes!”

I turn to Glasses Kid. “Can you make my gun sad?”

Glasses Kid gives me a thumbs up and then turns to Friendship. “Your creators, they didn’t love you, did they?”

Friendship whines and fires a continuous stream of water.

Brawny Babe hoists me up and swings me around.

It only takes a couple minutes for us to put out the fires in the area.

We exit the blood-cloud and notice something concerning.

There was a massive group of about thirty catboy soldiers. They were cheering as if they had won.

Did they already gain control of my prophecy? Am I doomed to follow the script of that deranged lunatic?

“You called!?” asks Flam, screaming directly into my mind.

“How? I thought you left my head,” I say softly.

“I only left for a moment. We’re connected, like chocolate and kisses, tee-hee.”

“Main, um who are you talking to?” asks Glasses Kid confused.

“Are you really Izumii-kun?” asks Best Friend with a look of concern.

He knows me so well. An anime reference is just the remedy I need for all the crazy shit that’s been going on.

“We need to force our way in. I won’t let them take your future.”

Oooh! This seems like the perfect place to end the episode. Cliffhangers rule!

“Allow me to handle the ending for you,” says Flam.

Stalker is relaxing in my castle. She’s eating delicacies while drinking fine wine. She slides down a massive indoor slide into my natural Jacuzzi. We are splashing each-other and paying Marco Polo with my troops. I then pick her up and bring her to the dungeon. She gives me some advice and then we have a picnic on the roof.

What the hell is wrong with this guy? And why does Stalker get to be treated like a queen? And hold up!

“There wasn’t even any music!” I yell furiously.

“I just wanted to know how she was doing. Soon she will be another one of my willing subjects. My fun-loving personality seizes the heart of every lady I meet,” says Flam.

Great, so he has a hero’s charisma and a villain’s heart.

“Okay, let me do the episode preview at least,” I say assertively.

“All yours,” says Flam.

That was nice of him. Wait. Am I being swayed too?

Next time on Main Character. I have to fight to protect the big stone slab of prophecy. The entire building becomes surrounded by cat boys and several generals appear. Join me next week to see me kick all their asses!