Episode 4 Part 1: Flamboyant Villain's Debut

The time has finally arrived. The final battle is here! I’m not going to let this bastard get away! I’m going to kill him now! Wait, then won’t my journey end? Who am I kidding…I’m sure to get renewed for another season. Another villain will emerge out of nowhere and some major plot twist will be revealed. After Madarara got beat Noruto got a whole new series, after all! Oh yeah, this is going to be epic! Hurry up opening, I’m ready.

I look into the sunlight…ow! I burnt my eyes. And now I’m jogging down an endless path of fire! Now there’s a slide show of a bunch of people I still don’t know. Now to introduce the team. This is my Best Friend! He is really cool and he controls blood apparently. This is Stalker! She is a creeper and can make shields. This is Boobs! She has really big boobs…that’s about it! This is Assailant! He’s a psycho murderer and I’m going to make him my friend. This is Glasses Kid! He talks a lot. But none of them really matter. I’m The Main Character! Me me me! The Main Character! Hell’s yeah! I’m The Main Character! And I’m going to kill this bastard. Why…because I’m The Main Character!

Alright, it’s gettting longer. Just got to keep this up and gain an actual sense of rhythm. This is going great! I’ve got a real team now. My importance has gone up three levels. Okay, time for the recap.

Last time on Main Character: After a very emotional and melodramatic speech, I convinced my allies to let me face the Static Huntress on my own. Stalker of course didn’t listen and instead took off her clothes and tried to sleep with me. Luckily, a single flex of my amazing muscles was enough to knock her out cold. Damn, I am so sexy! Anyways so I found a vulgar rocket launcher in a nearby tree that I decided to call Friendship. The bazooka begged to join my team. After Ultima’s tragic story swayed my heart, I had to accept the vulgar bazooka’s membership. Assailant and Boobs were both defeated by the warrior woman, leaving their hopes and dreams with me. I hoisted up Friendship and with our combined power, I beat Brawny Babe with a single attack. After that she bowed down and vowed to join my team. Since my team was a good size, I decided to split us up once we arrived at Forest of Scary Name. Stalker, her dad and Hunter Babe went looking for the super bananas in one location. While me, Best Friend and the little twerp went looking in the opposite direction.

The trees in the forest bend in unnatural ways and their leaves are extra shiny. It’s a mix of “I wanna touch ‘em!” and “what will happen if I touch them.”

Glasses Kid turns around. “Hey Mark, you’re dragging us down. Pick up the pace.”

Another fake name. How dare he?

“Is something wrong?” asks Best Friend, lifting up my shirt to check for wounds. “Why didn’t you get this healed?” he asked, applying his saliva to my ankle injury.

“Hey if I just rely on other people to heal me, then I’ll take my powers for granted like One-million percent boy,” I say with an awkward smile.

The real reason I didn’t heal is so Best Friend will have to carry me bridal style! Oh yeah! Think of it as a prelude to our future wedding. Oh, but no homo, of course. Main Characters must be hetero, even when they don’t want to be. Poor Heartfillya.

Glasses Kid examines my foot. “This looks like a good time to reveal my latest invention.”

“Cough! Cough! Plot device. Cough!” I exclaim.

Glasses Kid reaches into his pack and pulls out a small metal device. It unfolds into a mechanical prosthetic leg. “If you just discard your injured flesh, we can attach this little helper.”

“Wait a damn minute! That’s handicap appropriation!” I exclaim.

“Um, what?” asked Glasses Kid with a confused look.

“Pretending to be handicapped when you aren’t is super offensive. Plus real handicapable people don’t get weaponized legs. It’s offensive. I outright refuse.”

Glasses Kid rolls his eyes. “Nobody is watching. Your not some hero with plot armor. You’re my student and it’s my duty to safely return you home. I won’t have my teaching’s license revoked because of your forced schizophrenia!”

“I don’t know what you said, but you had better take it back!” I yell.

Best Friend motions me to sit down on a nearby stump. “I found some ointment,” he said, crushing up some leaves and applying their natural blood to my wound.

“Why is it red?” I ask.

Best Friend takes out a small book and shows it to me. “The great giant of genesis supposedly died in this forest. His flesh turned into these leaves, thus they are red.”

“Haha! Absurd,” said Glasses Kid. “The pigmentation is from the unique weather in this region. They absorb the nutrient rich rain water and assimilate it.”

“Does it still hurt?” asks Best Friend, looking up at me.

As much as I’d love him to carry me, I can’t lie to that gorgeous face.

“I’m fine now.’

“Hey guys, I spotted the bananas!” exclaims Glasses Kid, pointing all the way up.

At the very top of a tropical palm tree look alike was a bunch of bananas.

This side quest is nearly done.

“Get behind me,” says Best Friend, ready to tear open his wound as he rushes to the foot of the tree.

Something grabs my leg. Apparently, the vines here are mobile. They suddenly drag me across the grass.

“Oh, the trees eat humans! That explains the pigmentation. Even in a fantasy setting logic still thrives,” said Glasses Kid as I being pulled up into a hole in a scaly tree.

A figure slides all the way down and lands in front of us. It’s wearing a gas mask and has our bananas in its hands. “They’re wood wyverns.” The figure tosses a molotov cocktail into the hole in the tree and the vine releases me.

The tree screeches before rushing off.

I brace for impact but am caught in Best Friend’s arms.

So close. If I stole a kiss, would he blame me?

Best Friend sets me down and approaches the figure. “State your purpose.”

The figure takes off the mask to reveal a familiar face.

Best Friend smiles. “Didn’t expect to see you out here, Banana Man.”

“Well I decided it didn’t feel right sending a bunch of youngsters out to get some bananas for me. Sorry for all the trouble,” he says with an awkward smile.

“Sorry? Dude, your sabotaged your own side quest.” I glare at him. “Now it’s going to be marked as not cleared forever! Why didn’t you trust me to do what you asked for?”

“My daughter was ten when they took her,” said Banana Man, preparing to steal the scene with some sad backstory.

“Wait, your daughter was an actual girl?” asked Glasses Kid.

What kind of dumb question is that?

Banana Man nods. “She was the treasure of the village. Had hair like a bowl of fruit, long blond locks shaped like bananas and little orange buns above her braided grape extensions.”

“It’s been eight years since then, hasn’t it?” I ask.

Banana Man’s eyes widen. “It has. How did you know.”

“Well it would make her eighteen, which means I can hit on her if we find her without pissing off American audiences who think seventeen-year olds are lolis.”

“Fruity was like the princess of our village. She had powers to peek into the past.”

“Don’t you mean the future?” I ask.

“Nope. She wanted to be a fortune teller and used people’s pasts to predict the future. But she couldn’t predict what would happen the day the village was attacked. Little bells ringed throughout the night followed by screams. The girls were all taken and the men who tried to protect them had their stomachs clawed open.”

“Then why aren’t you dead? You should have protected her.”

Banana man lifts up his shirt, revealing a scar that reads “REGRET”. He lowers his shirt and looks to the ground. “I tried to, but tossing fruit and small rocks at highly trained warriors isn’t as effective as you’d think.”

Unless you’re a Jackson hobbit, that is.

Banana man holds back his tears. “My miserable life was saved by the villages guardian angel. And now she protects you. After losing my daughter, I didn’t care about the lives of others. I’ve sent out several heroes before you, none of which understood the greatness of bananas. I rationalized that without proper potassium they would have died soon anyways. Nine of them died. When I realized you were the tenth one, it made me think of my ten-year old daughter. I didn’t want to lose anyone else.”

Best Friend embraces Banana Man. “Don’t worry, Papa. We’ll get her back for you,” he said in the voice of a little girl.

Well that was odd.

Banana Man smiles. “All I want is for you to get out of this forest safely. Meet me at the village and I’ll find a way to bring you back home to your family,” he said, holding Best Friend’s hand.

Best Friend turns and smiles at me. “My family is right here.”

Glasses Kid starts laughing. “You two are way too gullible. Thankfully you have a chaperone with you. Banana Man is using reverse psychology to get you to go after his daughter.”

Hold up.

I turn to Glasses Kid. “You mean he’s one of those generic village dads who tries to turn in the heroes for his daughter’s safety and were supposed to save his daughter even after the betrayal because good guys are idiots?”

“Precisely,” says Glasses Kid.

“Shut up,” says Best Friend softly. He shoots Glasses Kid a murderous glare. “I don’t care if this is a trap. His suffering is real.” He grips my hand. “We have to help him.”

I’m pretty sure he’s stealing my lines. If he wasn’t so hot, I’d be seriously pissed right now.

The forest suddenly becomes foggy.

Banana Man places his gas mask on Best Friend. “Get out of here. The spores will mess you up.”

“That’s right!” exclaimed Glasses Kid. “This fog is actually cinema microscopic, small enough that you can see, spores that eat away your memories.”

I can’t forget about all the epic anime I’ve seen. Oh geez, if I forget about One Place, I’m going to have to do one helluva binge to catch up.

“Hand it to me. I’m the most important one!” I holler.

“Adults should always put on oxygen masks before helping out the kids. Hand it over! Knowledge is my power!” yells Glasses Kid.

“No.” Best Friend says softly. “I can’t lose them.” He grips his chest. “I need them!” He rushes at me.

I swipe my leg and he jumps. This gives me the perfect chance to grab hold of the mask.

He slams his face into mine.

“Stop fighting! The spores just make you cry! He’s lying!” yells Banana Man.

“Your daughter didn’t get kidnapped. She left your village willingly, didn’t she? You wanted her to be a fruit girl. You never supported her dream!” exclaims Glasses Kid.

“Bite your tongue you little brat,” said Banana Man, knocking out Glasses Kid with a single punch.

I roll along the ground with Best Friend. “Dude, hand it over. You know how important I am.”

“Anything you forget, I can remind you at your bedside. We can re-watch every anime together. It’s inconsequential.”

Just what the hell is he so afraid of forgetting?

Banana Man pulls me off of Best Friend and shoves the Forest of Scary Name’s plant guide in his face. “The spores only make you…cry,” he said, breaking down into tears.

“I’m sorry for not trusting you,” said Best Friend.

My vision becomes foggy as tears overwhelm me.

I felt a soft wet thing remove them.

“Your tears are delicious,” he said, removing the gas mask and revealing a big smile.

Sooooo hot!

“I’m sorry.” He says over and over as he places the mask on my head.

“It was Glasses Kid who did this,” I said, glaring at the knocked-out pipsqueak.

That little prankster went too far this time.

“He’s not the only liar,” said Banana Man as he hoisted the boy onto his shoulders with a face full of tears.

“The only way I’ll forgive you for lying to us is if you tell us where your daughter is,” said Best Friend.

“She won’t want to come back. I should have supported her,” said Banana Man, falling to his knees in misery.

“As long as you draw breath, your happy ending is within reach. You simply have to seize it.” Best Friend grabs my hand and pulls me against the tree. “Please, woodland creature. Get us out of here.”

The tree topples over and sprouts legs. Those little legs then rush out of the forest with the four of us riding its back.

“You don’t think the extra weight is hurting him, do you?” asks Best Friend with a look of concern.

Awww. Take note ladies. If you ever want to find a good partner, find one who is kind to animals. But not Best Friend, because he’s all mine.

“I doubt it’s more than an inconvenience,” I say, patting his back.

He pulls away and hugs himself with shivering arms. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Yeah, yeah you punched me. I’m not happy about it either. You’re going to have to snuggle away the pain tonight if you want me to forgive you.” I give him a big smile.

The smile he returns to me is quivering.

“We’re in the clear!” exclaims Banana Man, patting the head of the woodvern to signal him to stop. “Thanks for helping us out,” he says, plopping a banana into the woodland creature’s camouflaged mouth. He then hops off the tree beast. “I should head back to the village.”

Best Friend bites his thumb and solidifies the blood into a needle. He points the needle at Banana Man’s throat. “If you don’t tell us where she is, I’ll kill you.”

“Oh, and thanks for lending us the mask,” I say, handing it to him.

“My daughter is in Glam castle. Nobody who enters ever leaves. Well they do leave, but they always return.”

Not sure if this is supposed to be scary, but I can pretend it is.

“Then we’ll set a new record,” I say with a grin.

Best Friend lowers his weapon. “Safe travels.”

“Hey, don’t forget these,” I say, handing the produce procurer the banana bushel.

His face becomes stiff like a manikin. “Quest completed,” he says monotone.

Haha! This guy is hilarious.

Banana Man drops some coins into my hand robotically and gives me two bananas from the bushel.

“Thanks,” I say.

“Thanks for what?” he asks, his face becoming normal. “Well, see you around.” He leaves the area.

“I don’t think he was acting. Could have been possessed?” asks Best Friend.

I unfurrow his brow. “Relax, man. He was just messing with us. Well, now that we completed the quest it’s time to look for the others,” I say with a smile.

Best Friend grabs my hand and raises it. “There’s a reason I told Stalker to go with the other group.”

Was it so we could be alone? Am I blushing? Oh, I hope he doesn’t notice.

I lean in to kiss him without thinking.

“Main!” Stalker tackles me from behind.

Cock blocked! Damn it; she’s really getting on my nerves.

“With her diary she can find you no matter where you are,” says Best Friend.

“Wait, you have the Yukki Diary, colloquially known as the Stalker Diary?”

Stalker shakes her head. “Nope. Even better. You’ll have to frisk me if you want to find out.”

Not sure if I’m more afraid of not knowing what her diary does or finding out what she’ll do if I accidently turn her on. I mean, she did try to molest me when I was unable to fight back. That gave me Sword Art Onedge vibes and not the fuzzy kind.

Stalker puts some spit on her hand and rubs it on my bruised face. She puffs out her cheeks and glares at Best Friend. “I’m not leaving him alone with you ever again.”

“I don’t blame you,” said Best Friend softly.

Assailant pops out from a shadow on the ground.

He can hide in shadows. Good to know.

“The mushrooms are ready. Static Huntress made a fire too. It’s nice and warm,” he says, pulling me and his daughter along.

Brawny Babe looks at me and then turns away. “Your team is victor. Claim your prize.”

“Oooh!” Stalker takes some vines from the ground and ties her arms up into a bow. “I can be your reward,” she says, leaning into me.

“I want you to help me with a rescue mission,” I say to Brawny Babe, skillfully ignoring Stalker’s advances.

She shakes her head. “Led team wrong way on purpose. Was testing you,” she said, nearly knocking me over by pushing her finger against my chest.

“Well I succeeded regardless.”

“Take back weapon,” she said, unfastening Friendship from her back.

“Did you keep them safe?” I asked the bazooka.

Ultima didn’t respond.

Maybe it’s asleep. I mean the only gun I know that sleeps is Lassoo, oh and the two blond cutie pies who serve Death Jr.

“So Static Huntress, how has your life been?” asks Assailant casually.

“Don’t act like know each-other,” says Brawny Babe, crossing her arms.

“So Big Brother-sama, how did you beat her? I knew you were amazing, but she’s like a mythic warrior!” exclaims Stalker, scooting up next to me with a book in her lap.

Wait that book. Could it be?

“Don’t act like you don’t know,” I say, snatching her journal from her lap. “And then Main stole my diary. He looked at me with a condescending look as he read it out loud. He then stopped, awestruck,” I say before suddenly stopping.

“I write each entry using my thoughts. I’ve documented every moment of your life ever since I met you. Isn’t that amazing?” she asks, holding her cheeks and swaying her head side to side.

I drop the journal in shock.

Terrifying…the word is terrifying.

“Everything about my sugar plum is amazing,” says Assailant, patting her head.

“Thanks, papa-chan!” She grabs her journal and puts it back under her shirt where it is absorbed.

Best Friend places his hand on mine, breaking me free from terror’s grip. “That ability will come in handy later. We’re going to Glam castle on a mission. Brawny Babe, are you going to assist us?” asks Best Friend as he twirls his cooked mushroom.

“Won’t come back alive,” says Brawny Babe.

“Is there a reason you talk like that?” asked Glasses Kid, holding his queasy stomach.

Great, the little prankster is awake.

“Jungle teach,” she said, slamming her fist against her chest.

“Save your deception for your enemies, else you’ll make me one of them,” says Best friend with a murderous look.

“Won’t happen again,” says Glasses Kid, soiling himself.

Assailant taps his shoulder and whispers to the boy before the two walk off.

“So will you help us or not, Huntress?" asks Best Friend as he sensuously sucks on his mushroom.

Oh yeah, just the tip.

“Hi there, it’s very nice to meet you,” said Stalker, lying with her belly on the ground and waving at my boner.

Okay, she is mega creepy. I pray to non-existent gods that she can’t read minds.

“Are you really going to ignore me?” asks Best Friend, sprinkling some seasoning on a mushroom and then popping it into my mouth.

Mmmm. He can make anything delicious.

“Love Dictator not threaten forest. No reason help,” says Hunter Babe snidely.

“Then why did you start this fire for us?” asks Assailant, tilting his body into a question mark.

“Want talk. Wouldn’t understand,” says Hunter Babe, looking away with a clenched fist.

I took a bite out of my seasoned mushroom, causing Stalker to gasp in delight.

“Did that really arouse you?” I ask, sliding back.

“Uhuh!” Her eyes shimmer. “You can take a bite out of me,” she says, putting out her arm.

Great she’s thinks I’m a Kyoto ghoul. Cannibalism just isn’t quite as glamorous as anime makes it out to be.

I catch the trail of saliva before it hits the ground and apply it on my scratches. “Be careful not to waste any.”

“Whatever you say, my lord,” she said, nestling up to me.

“Anyways, can I talk to you alone for a minute?” I ask as nonchalantly as possible.

Stalker holds in her explosive delight and smiles sweetly. “Sure,” she replies, getting up with shaky legs.

Now that I’m paying attention, she has a really cute butt. I’m getting the urge to squeeze it.

Wait where did that come from? I don’t like kid butts. I like women booty! I’m just tired, is all. Stay focused, Main. I’ve got to ask her to be my friend, but I have to do it very smoothly.

“Best be watchful,” said Brawny Babe. “Jungle dangerous place. Ever heard stories of Inashikacho?”

Assailant covers his face in fear. “You mean it isn’t just a myth? That would explain the heroes who went missing.”

I hold out my hand. “Stop right there. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. If I hear this story, then this wretched creature is bound to show up, likely in this episode.”

I follow Stalker far off into the woods, making sure that no-one can overhear our conversation.

I’m going to give her a test of my own. I need to know if I can trust her.

Stalker suddenly screams. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! We’re all alone! I’ve waited for this moment since forever! So, what do want to do? Should I get undressed now or should we start off with some idle banter?” she asks, releasing her emotion in one incredible blast.

“Keep your panties on. I just want to talk,” I say as I sat down on a downed tree.

Stalker sits down next to me, leaning on my shoulder.

I’ve never been this close to a girl before. Well at least one that wasn’t grafted onto a pillow.

She snuggles up to me.

Her lips are literally inches from mine. But a kiss right now would ruin our potential friendship. Plus, I’m saving my delicious virgin lips for Best Friend. I need to be calm, maybe put an arm around her. Yeah, just like that.

She squirms in delight after noticing I had slyly put my arm around her shoulder.

“Sooooooo what ya wanna talk about: the weather, food, virginity, fighting, boys, gossip? Whatever you want, I’m game for,” she says, her eyes going every which as she wiggles her legs.

“Boys actually…how did you know?” I ask with a light blush.

“Best Friend is wearing black undies today,” says Stalker, tapping my nose.

“The ones with the red skulls on them? Those are my favorite pair. Wait, how did you know that?” I ask her in skepticism.

“What kind of stalker would I be if I couldn’t see through clothes,” she says while sizing me up and licking her lips.

I fruitlessly cover my crotch.

I feel as bare as newborn kitten.

“Teehee. I’d never look through your clothes. I love the anticipation of waiting for you to take a shower,” she says, covering her flushed cheeks.

By the moe gods she is cute! I just want to knock her down, pin her to the ground and tickle her until she agrees to be my friend. But I have a much more crafty and subtle approach up my sleeve.

“Do you think Best Friend is asexual?” I ask, breaking through the awkward silence.

“I don’t know. He’s hard to read. What I do know is that he cares for you very much. But I don’t know if he shares the same feelings I do,” she says softly, turning away in embarrassment and covering her face.

I flip her around to face me.“I need you to figure out for me? I don’t want to ask him. It’s too awkward. Plus, I trust you,” I say with a sweet smile to mask my lie.

“You want me to seduce your best friend?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

“I just want you to try. We can at least find out if he likes girls,” I say with a confident shrug.

“You really love him, don’t you?” she asks with a tear.

“Whoa, don’t get any weird fan-girl ideas here. He’s my Best Friend, nothing more, nothing less. Now please find out what turns him on,” I say, inadvertently grabbing her hands.

“I’d do anything for you. I’ll make him as stiff as your muscles,” she giggled, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

I turn my head to her slowly and then smile.

Damn, I’m slick!

The sound of bells jingle in the bushes.

“What’s the noise?” I ask, looking around.

Didn’t someone just recently talk about bells?

Stalker grabs onto me with a shaky hand. She mouths something to me but I can’t quite make it out.

“Are you cold?” I ask.

“Run,” she says, with a weak and trembling voice.

The bells get louder and a figure emerges from the bushes. “You must be The Village Of Doomed latest hero. I’m not at all impressed,” he says, his cat ears dropping.

What does he mean by latest hero?

Episode 4 Part 2: Friendship vs Love

This is it…the main villain is before me. And damn does he look ridiculous.

He’s wearing a pink and white maid outfit with a jewel-encrusted collar. My sworn enemy has fuzzy handcuffs and the most extravagantly bedazzled chastity belt I’ve ever seen. The fiend’s white cat ears look almost real, like the ones from My Little Sister is Obviously the Young One. He also has a long tail with a large pink bow at the end. His heart earrings and rainbow bracelets are just too tacky. His long flowing light pink hair is tied with two dark pink bows. He also has light pink glossy lips and a sick smile.

Just what the hell is this guy? I wasn’t aware I let Tumblr design my antagonist. Whatever, at least I’ll get some LGBT fans for this…I just hope they actually watch my show.

“I think you’re confused Sir, the Gay Pride Parade doesn’t set up until next week,” I say.

So many things happened that I completely forgot that he was going to show up this episode. But I can manage. If I can just wig him out, I can get out of this mess.

“Greetings, hero. I am The Love Dictator!” he exclaims, sending me a heart sign.

I leap out of the way and then run up to him. My fist meets his face. “My name is Main, and you’re Flamboyant Villain,” I say, wiping his cooties off on my pants.

No, I’m not being homophobic. I’m just being careful.

The evil fashion disaster does a somersault and lands back on his feet as I rush him. He grabs my fist before it makes contact. His intense pink eyes gaze into me. “How did you know my name was Flam!? And what gives you the right to name me like a pet? I am the king of this country! Whatever I say becomes law!” he yells, his tail moving back and forth in frustration.

And let me guess, this king lives in Glam Castle. I really wish Banana Man had told me this was the guy running the country.

“Main, be careful. His power is unlike any you’ve faced,” says Stalker seriously.

Well it’s not like I’ve been in a martial arts tournament. Of course he’s the strongest. He’s the main villain. That shit goes without saying.

I wrestle my hand out from his grip. “I’m the Main Character! I can name you whatever I want!” I yell as I punch him again.

His scarfed collar seizes my fist, holding me in place.

“Your naivety is so adorable. Do you have any idea how insignificant you are?” he asks as his hand grabs my cheeks.

This asshole thinks he can target my insecurities. Well too bad for him, I don’t have any!

“Leave him alone!” yells Stalker.

“What’s this, a little girl is here too? What are you doing here? You know it’s dangerous to be in the forest all alone.” His scarf slams me to the ground.

“Why do you attack our village? We wouldn’t send heroes against you, if you just let us live in peace. Why are you so cruel?” asks Stalker in tears.

“I am The Dictator of Love, not peace. The beauty of love is conflict. I have no need for such boring things as peace. Now come with me, little one. It’s not safe here,” he says, beckoning her with his hand.

Stalker tries to spit in his face but her aim is off and it lands two feet in front of her. “I’m staying with the hero and he’s going to stop you!”

“Poor boy got dragged into your village’s hopeless rebellion.” His scarf moves in a flash and wraps around Stalker’s throat. “I own every inch of land and every thing that walketh upon it. To go against me is to bite into your own heart,” he says, strangling her till her eyes bulge.

If her eyes get any bigger, she’ll end up looking like a certain live action cyborg loli.

I get back to my feet and I wipe the blood off my chin with a shaky hand.

Come on, this is just like every first encounter. This isn’t scary. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I have to show her that I’m a real hero!

“I’m not going to sit here and let you exploit the people and their land. I’m the hero of destiny and if you don’t stand down, I will kill you!” I yell, slicing the scarf with a dagger I stole from Assailant.

Yeah! That’s right! I’m a hero! I have to fight for justice and shit like that.

The main villain hides himself by expanding his scarf. The scarf flows behind me.

I swipe him as soon as he gets in range.

Flamboyant Villain dodges my punch and grabs my nipples.

I gasp in pain as he twists them swiftly.

He grabs onto my neck. “It’s so cute how you fight for that pathetic village. My heart can’t bear the way you look at her. It bleeds for you and you alone,” he says while fondling my chest with his other hand.

“Wait…Main…you like me?” she asks with extreme blushing.

“It’s not like that!” I yell.

I’m not being a tsundere here. I’m not into grade-schoolers. It’s that simple.

“I can smell the desire all over you. Your lips beckon her. Oh, you are just so cute! I must have a sample.” Flamboyant Villain presses his lips up against mine and gives me a deep passionate kiss.

What is happening? Why is he so good at this? My head feels dizzy. So dizzy.

As I’m being defiled all I can hear is Stalker wailing out in misery.

“I was supposed to take his virginity!” she cries, grabbing Flam’s leg.

Despicable. After what he just did, she only thinks of herself.

Flam’s eyes tear up upon seeing her. “Such passionate misery. This is the beauty of a broken heart. Cry little one, cry over your defiled lover! Aha-aha-haha-aha!”

That is the most foppish laugh I’ve ever heard. Damn faggy fop stole my kiss.

I grab onto his arm, crushing it with my romantic rage.

“I was saving my lips for my special someone. You’ve ruined my manly dream! I’ll destroy you!” I exclaim, my eyes catching fire.

Flamboyant Villain slams me to the ground with a single finger and puts on a monocle. “The tragedy of love is truly beautiful! Jealousy, hatred and sorrow all come from the heart’s desire to love. Now that I’ve broken your frail little heart, you’ve truly awakened. Let the tragedy of your de-virginization sink in! Seize your emotion and thrust it into me!” exclaims Flam, holding his arms wide open.

“Senpai, catch!” yells Stalker, throwing me a vial.

Flamboyant Villain shatters the vial and the gooey fluid inside bursts all over my hair.

I’m going to make him pay for stealing my first kiss!

I scream out in fury, the flames in my hair turning bright gold. I was becoming blond! My hair then shot forth like a shotgun, piercing straight through Flamboyant Villain.

“Such exquisite pain. It’s tickling me. You aren’t like the others. You are a bundle of fun. I won’t kill you just yet. I’ll play with you until I get bored, then I’ll unravel you into a glorious tapestry of suffering,” he says with eyes that shimmer with cruelty.

My hair pulls out from his flesh, soaking his get up with blood.

“You son of a bitch! I’ll make you pay for this!” I yell with manly tears.

My hair changes shape, becoming a giant fist.

That’s what I’m talking about! Now I can molest cute blondies like Flair!

“What a clever but oh so familiar way to manipulate energy. You’re still a bud now. I’m going to wait for you to blossom before I pluck you from the earth. Toodaloo, boy, I look forward to our next encounter,” says Flamboyant Villain before my hair fist slams into him.

I wasn’t going to let him get away. My rage was now focused on a single target.

“Fist of Many Many Punches!” I yell.

Tiny bundles of hair branch out of the massive fist, pummeling Flam gratuitously.

I increase the power of my hair fists. “One of those punches was for Banana Man. I know you stole his daughter.”

The evil villain giggles like a kindergartner getting tickled as his body is bruised and bloodied. He lands in a split after smashing through a tree. “If you keep on tickling me, I’m going to pee,” he says, crossing his legs.

The scarf buries into the ground and then comes out beneath me. It wraps around my whole body in seconds.

“Mmmm, I can feel your every curve,” he says as his scarf feels me up.

Ugh. This creep is making me so uncomfortable.

“Don’t hurt him,” cries Stalker, grabbing the villain’s leg.

“Ah! Those smitten eyes. See how much closer I’ve brought you two. Aha-Aha!” He creates a scarf with his pink aura and wraps her up.

“Let her go!” I yell.

“Your words are so uninspired. Only true poetry can sway moi.” He tosses her onto his shoulder. “If you want your little girlfriend back, then come to my fabulous castle! Oh, but you might want to go back to that pathetic village first. I ordered a raid about an hour ago. Next time we meet bring me some flowers, red roses are my favorite!”

He’s getting away with the heroine. I should be happy. But…I’m not. My lips are still burning from his wickedness.

“I’ll come for you! It’s a pinky promise!” I yell as I rush towards them.

Ugh. That sounded soooo lame.

Scarfs litter the area and mask his escape.

No time for an ending song, I’ve got to save the village. What the hell, why is the song coming up? Damn it!

Happy music fills the air as a bunch of soldier cat boys burn down the town. People are slaughtered to a joyful beat. I’m really going to kill that flamboyant bastard now. Wait, they’re gathered around the temple hospital. And their general is requesting something. The end.

What the hell does he want? Alright, no time for a sneak peak.

Flam’s voice suddenly enters my thoughts.

Next time on Main Character. The cute boy struggles to save his girlfriend’s pathetic village. Oh my god, he looks just adorable covered in all that blood. Will he make it in time? Or will my forces gain possession of a very special item? Sorry ladies, but I won’t be showing up in the next episode. Be sure to keep watching though. I look forward to seeing Main struggle in the maze of his despair.”