Episode 3 Part 1: The Triple Three Trials of Trinity!

How predictable. Before I can become a hero I have to pass some stupid test. This is freaking ridiculous. They want my help and now they’re going to treat me like a freaking guinea pig. Whatever, it will be a great way to show off my awesome skills. Just like my man Kiito, I have real world combat training! Time to pwn some noobs! Cue the theme-song.

“I look into the sunlight…ow! I burnt my eyes. And now I’m walking down an endless path pointlessly…pointlessly. Wait a minute last time I was running. Now there’s a slide show of a bunch of people I don’t know. Is Assailant really going to join my team? Hell no! Then my hand is reaching out to the darkened sky. They just made it darker with a filter, that’s so cheap! Now all the villains are taking up my screen-time! But then I jump in and shoot them with a pissed off rocket launcher. I’m now clenching my fist on top of a mountain of graves. But wait, my classmates aren’t dead anymore. I’m then knocked back. I wipe off the blood on my cheek and then I run forth and punch with all my might. And now I see that it’s a tribal man I’m fighting. I look at my side to see Stalker and Best Friend. Glasses Kid is in the back crying. I jump up and punch, creating the title. I’m The Main Character! Me me me! The Main Character! Hell’s yeah! I’m The Main Character!”

Well the song got a bit longer, but I still need to add more. Oh well, it’s a work in progress. Anyways, back to the show.

Last time on Main Character. After using the seven dragon balls to resurrect my fallen allies, I took a spaceship to a distant planet. Desperate for a hero, the people of the planet created a dark tournament to decide who is the most fitting. After defeating Assailant in the final round, I am told that there is one final test I must overcome. Eager to prove myself worthy, I graciously accept. I am ready for whatever challenge they toss my way. I wait in the greenhouse training room, suited in leaf armor. I see the trees beyond the glass, which is likely where we will be tested.

“Is this really supposed to protect me?” I ask Best Friend, checking the sturdiness of my leaf greaves.

Maybe they harden on contact or something. That would be cool.

“It’s supposed to camouflage you. Running and hiding is all you need to worry about,” says Assailant, attaching a cannon to each side of his cloak.

“If you need us, then why do we have to be tested?” asks Best Friend.

“It’s so that you feel more like heroes. Is it working Main?” asks Stalker, beaming at me.

“It sure is. Plus, it will be a good warm up for the battles to come,” I say, clenching my fist in anticipation.

“Is there a reason I have to come along? A scholar belongs in a library not a battlefield.” Glasses Kid crosses his arms.

“Stop whining!” I yell. “Hey Assailant, you never did tell me why we had to leave Boobs back at the medical tent.”

“I only did as instructed,” says Assailant, loading cannon balls.

“What’s the deal, Old Dude?” I ask.

Old Dude appears before me.

Can he teleport?

Old Dude combed his fingers through his beard. “It isn’t safe for her here. We returned her back to your world.”

“That’s for me to decide. She hates being left out of fun stuff! I’m never going to hear the end of this because of you! She’s my girlfriend, after all.”

“The lies we tell ourselves,” says Old Dude solemnly.

“Speaking of lies. The little kids this psycho killed…” I point to Assailant “are they safe at home?”

Stalker pops out from behind me. “Aww, you’re so caring. Don’t worry, they’re all with their families. After their memories were wiped, they were returned back to the present,” she says while stroking my leg.

I grab her hand and toss it aside. “You don’t have to lie to me. I saw them die. I will fight in their memory,” I say, dramatically looking toward the stars. A projection of faceless children appear in the night sky, which is also technically a projection since it’s daytime.

Old Dude dispels my fantasy with a wave of his staff. “I assure you they’re quite alive. I escorted them back myself.”

Ugh, these idiots can’t get a clue. If I’m going to be a hero, having someone to avenge is super important. If I pretend their all dead, I can use that to push me forward.

“Assailant, I need you to go back to my world and kill Boobs. If she isn’t here, my team won’t have any eye-candy.”

Stalker looks up at me with eyes full of shock.

I give her a little smile and turn to Assailant. “Only you can do this. I believe in you,” I say, putting my hand on my greatest enemy.

“I only do hits for my village. Besides I’m a broad-spectrum assassin. Many innocent lives would be lost if I tried,” says Assailant before I slapped him across the face.

“Have I displeased you?” he asks in a vulnerable voice.

I need this guy gone so he doesn’t steal my thunder. Time for a heartfelt speech.0

I grab his shoulders. “Don’t talk like that you idiot. You’re always taking the burden for everyone. You surrendered your life in order to assure your daughter had a bright future. You don’t own your own body and I’m the hero! I’m telling you to go kill my girlfriend, are you really going to deny me?” I ask, grabbing him by his neck.

“You’re right. She’ll be dead in no time,” says Assailant with a shaky salute.

“Thank you, my loyal vassal,” I say with a smile.

“You are our salvation,” he says before sinking into himself and vanishing from sight.

Finally. I’m getting some respect.

Glasses Kid glares at me. “You just got rid of our strongest ally. How vain can you be?”

I turn to the little know-it-all. “The guy is a giant friendly fire hazard. I did us a favor.”

“Such wisdom,” says Best Friend, sharpening some throwing knives while balancing a cook book on his knee.

“Thanks. Hey, Old Dude. Why does Best Friend get a crossbow and armor while I get leaves and a boomerang?” I ask upset. “Where did he go?”

“I have an anti-air cannon if that helps,” says Stalker, attaching it to her back.

I catch her as she topples over. “Maybe you should stay home and give me your cannon.”

Glasses Kid examines the strange device in his hand. “I don’t want to hear your complaints, Main. I have to wear this giant bull’s-eye on my chest! And my only weapon is an automatic magnet. In other words, I’m a moving target!”

“Was this your doing?” I ask Best Friend.

He smiles.

Yeah so viewers note. Best Friend met with Old Dude before hand to decide what weapons we would get. Is that why I have these leaves? Does he expect me to succeed without any help?

Stalker pats Glasses Kid on the back. “Don’t worry; I’m the team’s guardian angel. I’ll protect you too,” she says, wearing a full body shield.

“Oh…uh…thanks,” says Glasses Kid with a deep red blush.

Don’t tell me…Glasses Kid has a crush on Stalker. This is ridiculous. He has no love. Plus, she totally has the hots for me. All I need to do is convert that admiration into friendship. I’ll make you my friend, Stalker. That is my promise to you.

“Assailant was supposed to be your team’s warrior, but it looks like that won’t work out now. But enough stalling. It’s time for your training to begin,” says Old Dude before de-materializing himself again.

The ceiling drops and arrows suddenly rain down.

Stalker jumps in front of me, only guarding my legs with her little body. Best Friend knocks me out of the way, taking the arrows head on. Glasses Kid dodges them with ease.

That little twerp has learned much from me. No, actually how in the hell is he dodging them?

Best Friend picks up his quiver and slowly tears the arrows out of his skin. He licks the blood off of them and then shoves them in the quiver.

“More ammo, lucky me,” he says with a warm smile as blood gushes out of him.

Is he okay?

“Congratulations. You have passed the first trial,” says the rough and gritty voice of a warrior woman.

“I’m the one who is supposed to be tested, not him. I’m the hero damn it!” I yell at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry, I’m a useless shield,” says Stalker, tending to Best Friend’s wounds with her sticky saliva hands.

“Don’t, they’re my mistakes. I will wear them proudly,” says Best Friend, putting her spittle back in her mouth.

“Looking for this?” asked Glasses Kid, picking up what looked like a conch shell. “Maybe I can use this to triangulate the current position of our instructor slash adversary.”

The ground suddenly parts. A platform rose up from the hole. A limbo stick, a tire and a hurdle all stood in a line.

Is this a test of humiliation.

“Your reflexes…bad. See how athletic ability fairs. Difficulty set to third grade,” says the woman on the speaker.

Stalker walks right under the stick but trips on the tire. “Help me, hero,” she says with a desperate look.

At least someone’s trying to make me look good. Oh, I know what to do.

“Glasses Kid, you’re up,” I say.

“But P.E. is the only class I ever failed,” says Glasses Kid worriedly.

He went under the limbo stick before it violently shot down.

“Damn magnetism! It’s crushing me!” he yells, squirming in agony beneath the pole.

“Sorry, but I only help out my friends.” I say, putting my arms behind my back.

“How about this: if you promise to be my friend, I’ll save you,” I say with my hand already on the heavy limbo stick.

“I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t let it kill me!” he yells as blood gushes out from his shirt.

I lift the stick and help him to his feet.

“You saved me,” he says with teary eyes before coughing up a wad of blood on my jeans.

“What are friends for?” I responded coolly, while wiping his mouth clean with a leaf.

“It’s my turn now,” says Best Friend, stepping up to the plate.

Jets came out of the sides of the limbo stick, causing it to shoot out of my hands.

“As long as he lives, I won’t be stopped,” says Best Friend.

All his wounds collect around his wrist. Blood then gushes out, forming into a freaking katana. He slices the limbo stick in half, making sure to duck under it.

Okay, so when the hell did he learn how to do that!?

Missiles suddenly shot out of the hole between the tire, all zooming toward me.

Even projectile explosives can’t resist me.

“I’ve got this!” I yell, tossing my boomerang.

The five missiles all lock on to the boomerang, following its lead.

“In the end, everything comes full-circle,” says Glasses Kid, spouting some philosophical bullshit he likely got from a TED talk.

The boomerang was heading right back to me.

Why couldn’t it have been a Frisbee!?

Best Friend shoots an arrow into each of the missiles, blowing them up in mid-flight. “Good work distracting them,” he says with a nod.

I walk up to the hurdle and then jump over it.

“Aright, that’s two trials down! Bring on the last one!” I exclaim.

“Had to cheat even to pass a simple challenge. Not impressed. No matter. Two trials down! Prepare for final first trial! Test intelligence,” says the Russian lady.

“Wait, intelligence! Shit, we’re screwed!” I exclaim.

This isn’t fair! Most Shounen heroes are total idiots! It’s part of their charm! That and being gluttons who bounce back like a punching bag with a vengeance!

“Let me handle this one,” says Glasses Kid, polishing his spectacles.

“First question: how teach four little children as warriors?”

Glasses Kid holds his side and cringes.

“We’re you hurt?” asked Stalker, checking for wounds.

“It’s her grammar. It’s so bad,” he says, falling to his knees.

Great our weakest member has a really easy to exploit weakness.

“No answer means failure!” yells the Russian lady.

I look to Best Friend.

He smiles. “It’s up to you to encourage him.”

“Lean on Stalker,” I said with a wink. “You know the answer and she’s counting on you.”

Glasses Kid blushes as Stalker helps him to his feet.

“You got this, Nyu,” she said, giving him a thumbs up.

Glasses kid smiles at her and then turns his attention to the speakers. “Your question should have been stated as ‘how do you teach for little children to become warriors”. Here is my answer! You use arts and crafts to get them engaged. You make an occasional joke to lighten the mood. Then you keep them intrigued with interesting facts and give them a star for their cooperation.”

“Discipline! That is only answer!” she yelled.

A log attached to a rope comes down from the ceiling and slams into Glasses Kid.

Stalker rushes to his side. “He’s knocked out.”

Ugh. He’s really dragging us down.

“Next question. How answer if are unable to catch breath? Yahahaha!”

Stalker raises her hand. “Ummm, you uh, write it down.” She winces and braces for impact.

“Correct! Final question. Doesn’t need oral answer. Are willing do anything to be a hero?”

I turn around and raise my pointer finger and thumb proudly.

“Splendid. Now move to second trial. Everyone fight everyone. Survival of fittest. Last one gets to live. Battle royale bloodbath begin!” she exclaims as the walls of the room open up.

Wait a minute, we all have to kill each other! This is ridiculous. What was all that talk about teamwork for? Old Dude said I must utilize a team in order to save this world. Does this mean that I’ll need a new team? I am so freaking confused.

Stalker turns away from my gaze.

“Do you know about this? Has this happened before?” I ask her.

Best Friend turns my way. “She’s only a child. You’re her first hero, Main.” He raises his weapon against Glasses Kid.

“Hold up! Don’t shoot him!” I yell.

My buddy turns to me with vacant eyes. “You shouldn’t have to bloody those gentle hands.”

“Hey, it’s my life so I want her to do it,” said Glasses Kid, pointing at Stalker while hiding his flushed cheeks.

“Nobody is killing anybody,” I say.

Stalker stops fiddling with the rope in her lap. “Aww man, no double suicide?” She lifts up the rope.

It’s two nooses that come together to make a heart shape.

That would be so cute if it wasn’t creepy as hell.

“Nope. No suicide. It’s against the law,” I said.

“Actually, we encourage suicide in our village,” said Stalker.

“Well it’s against the law now because I said so!” I yell, snatching the rope from her hand.

“Suicide is a cowardly way to go out. Either way, my journey ends here. What are you waiting for? Kill me and claim your dream,” says Best Friend, tossing me his crossbow.

“You’re joking, right? Do I look like Griffith?”

“Come now. If you want to achieve your dream, blood must be shed.”

“I’m not going to kill you. If you’re dead, then I’ll be all alone,” I say with a tear.

“You’ll never be alone. I’ll always be right here. Presuming this is where they burry me, that is,” says Best Friend, pointing to the ground.

Damn him. Getting me to chuckle in such a shitty situation. Well two can play at that game.

“Dead people give shitty advice. I’m not going to do this without you!” I yell.

“Fine then, what do we do then, Captain?” he asks me.

Since when did I become the leader? The hero is supposed to just go out, spout bullshit about justice and friendship to his enemies and go out and kill monsters and animals. He’s not supposed to be responsible for his whole team, is he?

“Main, don’t worry. I’ve already made prearrangements. Our graves will be side by side,” says Stalker, jumping on my back and checking the dimensions of my neck.

“Hey, why don’t we all stand on these four platforms?” proposes Glasses Kid.

Look who woke up. I won’t let him take this moment from me.

“I’ve decided. I’m not killing anyone. I’m the hero and you guys are my nakamas!” I exclaim.

“Hello, the platforms,” says Glasses Kid, trying to get my attention.

“I’ve got an idea. Let’s stand on these conveniently placed platforms,” I propose, already on mine.

Stalker jumps off my back and goes to her platform.

Considering what the angry lady said and now the platforms, I’m getting Hungry Games vibes and that is not good. Then again they already told us to kill each other, so it can’t really get worse.

“Congratulations. Passed trial. Understood could not do alone. Almost impressed. Almost, but not quite. Time for final three tests…me,” she says, somewhere in the thick bushes.

“Main, get down,” says Best Friend.

“Must survive. Must locate. Must defeat. All without casualty.” An arrow wrapped in vines shot out from the bushes, heading straight for me.

“Can keep teammates alive? Can even survive yourself?” asks the hunter lady.

Best Friend steps in the path and is hit in the chest. “Stay vigilant,” he says before tearing out the arrow and wrapping his wound.

I shove my hand in Stalker’s mouth and then place it on Best Friend’s wound. “Stop taking all the pain for me. We share the same bed, the same toothbrush and even the same stuffed animal.” I place the saliva on his wound. “Why won’t you share the pain with me?”

“I’m a glutton for punishment. Always have been…ever since I saw that you were alive. We’re connected Main. Your life matters more to me than anything,” he says, putting his arms out in front of me.

I punch him in the face.

Yes! The fujoshis will eat up this brotherly angst!

“You idiot! Our lives are only temporary! The thing that really matters is our friendship. It’s the only thing that can be immortalized!” I exclaim as the arrow zooms past me.

I’m such an idiot. I assumed that just because I’m awesome that all the arrows would come after me. I let my completely justified arrogance delude me of the truth. Now Glasses Kid is going to die.

Stalker runs in front of Glasses Kid, bracing for the attack. She makes a heart sign with her hands, creating a Valentine barrier like the legendary Cutey Honey!

“You don’t have to protect me. I’m your teacher. I’m legally responsible for your safety,” says Glasses Kid as the arrow battled with the barrier.

“You still act like were in the present. This is the past-ture. I’m not your student. I was always just a spy. Now stop standing there like an idiot and move!” she yells as her barrier starts to break.

“No, I may not be strong. But there is still something I can do,” says Glasses Kid, putting his hand on Stalker’s shoulder. He got lost in thought and started massaging her.

“What are you doing!? I can’t concentrate like this! Stop! I only like tall guys!” she yells as cracks sprout throughout her barrier.

“I’ll save you both!” I exclaim to them.

“There’s no time. Be ready to run,” says Best Friend, pointing above us.

Ten arrows were rapidly heading toward us.

“To be a hero…I have to have faith in my friends and myself. But Stalker isn’t my friend…can we really trust her?” I ask Best Friend when I should have been running.

“If it’s any consolation, she’s my friend. We talk about you for hours after you fall asleep at the Orphanage,” says Best Friend with a smile.

Yet he never once mentioned her to me. Why does my life have such obvious plot holes!?

I take a deep breath. “Alright then. She’s a friend of a friend then…that’s good enough for me.”

“You’re my best friend. I get that it’s your duty to protect me. But you have to let me protect you too,” I say as death looms closer and closer.

“Fine, but if I die…promise me you’ll live on,” says Best Friend, holding my hand.

“I promise,” I say before Best Friend pushes me out of the way.

I watch in horror as the arrows zoom toward his tender body.

“Blood Barrier!” yells Best Friend, tearing off the wrap and scraping his wound open.

His chest wound sprays out blood like a fountain. The arrows pierce the barrier, and dig into Best Friend’s sexy chest. He reached out his hand to me as he collapses to the floor. “Run!” he says with a fatigued look.

No need to tell me twice. Got to get her away from my friends and finally win some hero points.

I zoom out of there as fast as my toned legs will carry me. I suddenly trip and my head slams into a jagged rock. I look below me as my blood drips down my forehead. My ankle is caught in a wooden bear trap. I struggle to get my foot free, but this only tears it up further.

Damn it! I hate feeling helpless. They’re all counting on me, I have to break free. Every second I waste is one more second my best friend bleeds out.

I hear Stalker’s voice nearby. I move my head to the side to see her shaking Glasses Kid. The little guy is completely knocked out.

“Forget about him! He’s a side character. The main character needs your help right now!” I yell with great persuasive power.

“As you command, Captain!” she says, tossing Glasses Kid aside. Stalker runs up to me and then stops to look at my bleeding foot.

“I can break out anytime I want. It’s just that having you break me out will strengthen our bonds,” I say reassuringly.

Ugh! This is not good for my street cred. I really gotta step up my game.

“I understand,” she says, eating up my clever lie with a sly smile.

You know, I think I can work with her. She seems reasonable enough.

Stalker takes off her shirt.

Here I am bleeding out and she decides to strip! This loli needs to sense the goddamn mood!

“What the hell are you doing!?” I ask, almost choking on my own disbelief as she removes her bra.

Why does she even have a bra and why is it black lace? Strawberries are the best undies hands down.

“I’m getting ready. Come on, take off your shirt,” she says, folding her clothes in a neat pile.

Tell me this isn’t happening! I’m way too young for this! She’s like twice my age! And worst of all, our potential friendship will be ruined. No…this isn’t just an end to friendship. It could kill me just like it did Kamia! Come on Main, believe in the you that believes in you and get yourself out of this mess.

What fate awaits your new favorite hero? You’ll have to stay tuned to find out!

Episode 3 Part 2: Friendship The Rockett Launcher

Did my editor forget to add “and” in-between “Friendship” and “The”? Either way I still am going to get a freaking bazooka! Man, this episode is going to be kick ass! I don’t want to waste any time.

I look at the tiny terror looming closer to me.

“I mustn’t run away. I mustn’t run away.”

Oh wait. Little girl trying to force herself on me. Thankfully her ero-zones are being blocked by what must be some sort of light-based ninja technique. Who knows how long that will last? I have to find a way out of this mess or my book will get blacklisted by those purist liberals! I have to stall her.

“Think about what you’re doing,” I say, while covering my eyes.

“You think I like this. You turned out to be a major disappointment.” She took a deep breath and then looked up with a shaky smile. “But…I won’t lose sight of my goal.”

Aha! I see something poking out of the grass. It looks like a stump but maybe it’s actual a trigger of sorts.

“Step a little to the left,” I say, motioning with my hands.

“Like this?” she asks.

A massive log on a rope swoops down and slams into Stalker. She is flung like a rag doll over the cliff side.

It looks like I’m the only one left, and I never got that bazooka.

At least I avoided this becoming a hentai. That was waaaaay too close. Still, purposely getting my ally hurt is bound to hold back our friendship.

Just then something big and bouncy appears before me.

Boobs is here! Yes! Her uselessness will give me the misogynistic drive needed to save the day. Whoops. I mean yay! A strong female lead is here to save the helpless male! Is that politically correct enough for you purists?

“Where is Stalker? Is she safe?” asks Assailant all serious-like before slicing down several arrows.

I peek over the edge of the cliff. Stalker was naked and unconscious in a small puddle in a pond.

“She’ll be fine, don’t worry,” I say as professionally as a real doctor.

Assailant slashes a tree down in the blink of an eye. “Where are you, Static Huntress? I’m not going to let you just get away with hurting my daughter!”

“Know nothing of world. Cannot manipulate. Won’t find me. Assure that,” says the Static Huntress.

“I don’t need to find you. I’ll just cut down every tree in the forest! You’ll be sliced to ribbons for sure!” yells Assailant.

Ugh! Why am I on the sidelines? Damn I have to steal the spotlight in some way. Of course!

“He’s using the secret Forest Slicer technique. This technique is passed down only to assassins who have abandoned their clan and using it drains the life of the user.”

Heh. Eat that Glasses Kid. You’re not the only one who can spout nonsensical exposition.

Knives pierce out from Assailant’s sleeves. “Don’t presume to know so much.”

Boobs was lying next to me, her voluptuous lumps radiating in the sunlight. Wait a minute…sunlight?

“Master, don’t stare at me,” she said, hiding her face in her breasts.

Did a pillow just talk to me? Well no? It’s called IMAGINATION! Watch ToeQger and you’ll understand. But I can give you my short list of live action recommendations at another time. I have a victory to steal.

“Assailant, this isn’t some arena! We are outside! That means that Static Huntress could be anywhere! But wait a minute, her arrows came from a certain location. I’ll go check it out,” I say assertively.

Oh yeah. My strategy will save the day! For Brittania!

My neck stretches its limits as my eyes regrettably move further away from Boobs. I go through the bushes, careful to not step on any bear traps. Arrows suddenly shoot out from the ground before me. Even my lightning fast reflexes weren’t quick enough. The arrow shot into my left arm, sapping it of all its energy.

Great! Now I’m even more useless. Think Main. What would Detective Koman do?

I close my eyes.

Okay so she’s triggering the arrows from somewhere. That means she is watching our every move. But where the hell is she!?

I look around and hear nothing. No birds, insects chirping, not even leaves rustling.

I’m all alone, just like that fateful day. But I have to be strong. Everyone is counting on me. With that much pressure, I’m bound to succeed.

“Hey, Hunter Bitch! I figured out your little game, now come out!” I yell, strategically giving away my position.

I crawl further along, evidently triggering a mine. The mine shoots up before releasing a net. The net zooms above me, carried by leafy green birds. The balls along the sides of the net then open up, revealing arrows. The tips of the arrows came off, shooting darts forth. The darts then open up, becoming suction cups. Every single suction dart hits its handsome target.

“Poison suction cups! What an insult! Does she think I’m not man enough to handle real darts? That’s it, this bitch is going down!” I yell so furious that I actually spoke my thoughts out loud.

A voice then appears from above me.

“What the [email protected]#* is your problem you little $#!+? I was trying to catch a [email protected]%^ nap. Do you always [email protected]#$* with people who are sleeping? I ought to blow your [email protected]#*ing brains out you $#!+ munching (=^+bag!” yells a furiously grouchy thing in an androgynous and robotic tone.

I look up at the above tree to see it…my freaking awesome bazooka. The title never lies, this proves it.

“Hey jackass? What do you say I help you down from there?” I ask it, rather politely I might add.

“I’m not some [email protected]#*ing princess in distress you $#!+head. I was trying to sleep!”

“Sorry I woke you up, uh, fair maiden,” I say with a grimace.

“For your information I identify as an attack helicopter and go by the pronoun ‘Ultima!’ So you best be respectful or I’ll murder your misogynistic @$$!”

“Here’s the truth. I’m kind of in a bad spot. See, my foot got caught in a bear trap and I…”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have been outside the village walls then. There’s no law here $#!+ for brains! You’re not the first [email protected]#*tard whose wanted my help but I pray to the [email protected]#*ing almighty Source that you’re the last.”

“Please, I’m just a kid really. I…I want to go home.” I add a sniffle for extra pity.

“Go cry me a sympathetic river, build a bride of pity and then jump off of it you @$$hole!” yells my future rocket launcher.

I punched the tree with all my might. Ultima fell down, right at my feet. My god Ultima was beautiful! Ultima glowed with a golden glow. Ultima’s metal exterior felt as sleek as a new car. Ultima smelled like Best Friend’s homemade muffins! Ultima tasted like metal and sadness. I press Ultima to the grass and hoist myself back to my feet.

I never realized how much I used pronouns until now. This politically correct shit is really bringing down my story.

“What the [email protected]#* are you manhandling me for you @$$hole?” Ultima asks quite rudely.

“There has to be a mute button somewhere,” I say mostly to myself as I check every angle of Ultima’s sleek body.

“I’m not some [email protected]#*ing tool you $#!+face! I’m a living creature with feelings and $#!+!”

“You don’t have a name, do you?”

“What kind of ridiculous assumption is that you (-#*sucker?”

“Alright, so then what is it?”

“It’s none of your [email protected]#*ing business, $#!+head!”

“In the name of myself, I dub thee Friendship!”

The title is always right after all. This time I had finally shut Friendship up. If you can’t find a mute button, you make one!

Steam poured out of Friendship before everything went silent. The next moment, tiny pieces of bark flooded the sky.

Wow, this part would look great in 3-D. All I can hear is this beeping sound. But it wasn’t telling me that my toast was ready, it was my ears popping.

I looked through the smoke to see that a whole row of trees had been blown to bits.

“How did that happen?” asks Friendship, finally cooling down.

“That my friend is our power. It is the power of Friendship!” I lift Ultima into the air.

“[email protected]@#$%^)*#!%*)^)#!*%))%!”

All I hear are beeps as I blast everything in sight.

I pat my newest buddy. “Calm down buddy. Do you know where the Static Huntress is?”

“Brawny %!+(# is in the [email protected]#*ing sky [email protected]$$! How else could she be following your every [email protected]#*ing move!?” asks Friendship, all pissed off again.

“Why do you curse so much? Do you realize that all I hear are bleeps?”

“I don’t [email protected]#*ing care what you hear. I curse because I was designed to be child friendly and I [email protected]#*ing hate it!”

This little robot has more rage than Bokugo. What could have happened that made Friendship like this? Oh shit. I gotta stay focused. She’s above me.

I look up. Now that those useless trees were out of the way, I notice a small helicopter. It was covered in leaves so it was hard to make out its exact shape. Standing on the helm was the Static Huntress.

“Boy finally found enemy. Now, must find way to…what the?” she asks before Friendship blew her out of the sky.

“Nice shot!” I exclaim, giving my gun a sorta high five.

“Unlike some people I can shoot a moving target,” Ultima says, rather proud of Ultimaself.

The burning leaf-copter plummeted down. It landed mere meters before me, blanketed in a fiery blaze. The Static Hunter calmly walked out, her entire body aflame. “Good hit,” she says, drinking a whole bottle of vodka and smashing it against her muscular chest.

Here’s hoping the extra fire will burn her to dust.

Wow, she looks like a man.

Oh crap! That sounded sexist! I’m an otaku damn it! I know appearances mean nothing!

What I meant to say is she looked like a strong well-rounded female character. Okay seriously, the chika had muscles like Toguro, eighty percent not one-hundred percent, and her face was battle worn and boxy. One look at her moss covered bod was enough to put most men to shame. She had eight pack abs and incredible thighs wrapped in vines. She was like a body builder and a sprinter all mixed up in one. Her flaming body was covered in scars old and new. Her brown, muddy hair was singed but already short. Somehow the Bureau of censorship found a way to keep her leafy clothes from burning away in the fire.

Yeah, you heard me right. Inflammable leaves!

“You’ve made angry. Not good move,” she says, spitting out all the vodka she had drank.

It rained down on her, somehow putting out the flame. How the hell did she keep all that vodka in her mouth, this bitch was tough.

“Nothing about you makes any sense!”

I can feel my grip on my viewers weakening. The reality I established thus far is under attack. I won’t let this go the way of Utwawarerumonono!

“Not here to amuse you?” she says, placing a handcrafted arrow on her biceps.

The arrow shoots off like a bullet and hits my already limp arm. The pain rides up all the way to my neck. I crack my fingers and rip out the arrow, my arm was now back in business. I lick the blood off the tip of the arrow and then collapse.

I was trying to be cool and now I’m back on the ground. What just happened!?

“Poison tips. Stupid boy,” she says as she walks toward me.

No, I can’t die again. This sucks ass! I’m The Main Character, how can I lose!?

“Friendship, help me out!” I yell as loud as I could.

“Simple child,” says Static Huntress, pulling a string that was apparently connected to Friendship.

Friendship’s muzzle points upward before firing and the rocket shoots into the sky.

“This jungle mine,” she says.

“Forest!” I yell, swiftly correcting her.

“Wild my jungle. Understand her. Understands me.”

“No. I really don’t understand you. But you’ll be in trouble if you kill me. There’s a whole village worth of fans who will come at you and burn your precious ‘jungle’ to the ground!”

“Village won’t save boy. Lost faith in feeble heroes. Life mine. No-one left to protect. All alone,” she says, allowing me to crawl away.

“Enough! Is there any reason you have to rub it in!? I know I’m going to die, just get it over with. I don’t need a whole explanation, do I?” I ask rhetorically.

Yeah, I know that word. Impressed, aren’t you?

“Always talk to prey.” She sits on a burnt stump “Who else would listen?” she asks, with a hint of sadness.

“What you need is a friend,” I say, completely right of course.

Whenever the hero is cornered it’s time to try the friendship angle. Fists come first but if they fail then just keep spouting friendship speeches till you win your enemy over. I’m not afraid. I saw her in the opening song and she was on my team.

“Use every part of catch. Insides are dinner. Skin be blanket. Clothes…make good rugs,” she says, as if she actually lived somewhere.

“Did you hear me! I could be your friend.”

“Have many friends. All on vacation.”

Sure they are. Damn it, where is Glasses Kid when you need him? He could easily talk until my paralysis poison wears out. He could have this jumbo babe on her knees, begging for a reprieve from his blabbering in a mere twenty-three minutes.

“Slowly raise foot. Adds to drama,” she says as she lifts her foot up instead of just smashing my brains out.

“You don’t have television, do you?” I ask, but not cruelly.

“Jungle only thrill needed,” she says, still not killing me.

I look around very slowly and took a deep breath. “Forest.”

Not at the last moment, a furry of knives shoot toward the Static Huntress. She picks me up and uses me as a shield.

I have so many great uses.

I scream out, but not in a girly way, as the knives make my back their temporary residence. She tosses me aside. And may I add that I traveled quite far indeed.

I land, thank you God, right on Boobs’ legs.

“Who is she?” asks Boobs with a piercing and invisible glare and an airy high-pitched voice.

“She’s my enemy!”

“Why is she practically naked. Don’t you love me?” She looks at the enemies muscular build. “Am I not manly enough?”

“Now is really not the time!”

My focus then shifts to the battle before me. Assailant’s tentacles grab onto his knives before slicing Brawny Bitch furiously.

Yeah, I think I’ll keep that name for her. And by the way, I’m just bitter she’s my enemy. I’m not sexist, okay?

The bad-ass woman leaps over the tentacle. She grabs the knife and then slices it all the way down his slimy appendage. The knife is now at his neck.

“You lose. Not big surprise.” She shoves the knife straight through his cloak.

Is he dead? I hope not, that would really be anticlimactic. If he wants to die, he should at least wait till the end of the season or at least do it to save my life.

His other tentacle grabs hold of the knife and tears it out.

Brawny Bitch is already a few meters away from him, holding a high-tech cross-bow, complete with laser sighting.

“Already lost. Mines everywhere,” she says, lowering her crossbow.

It was a stalemate, that’s a Checkers term by the way. He was stuck and she could shoot him at any moment. Yep, a true stalemate.

“I hope I don’t offend you.” Assailant bows to his enemy. “I can kinda float,” he says, awkwardly scratching his hood as he rose from the ground.

My Godoka he was right! In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen his feet touch the ground. Does he even have feet?

“Traps proximity. Like birds. Never catch them,” she says, firing three arrows at once.

Assailant strafes to the side, dodging the volley. He rushes up to her as she fires. Each of her shots completely miss their mark.

What was she planning?

Once reaching her, he thrusts a knife into her chest. It shatters like the hopes of an otaku when they learn that Earth-chan is flat.

“Jungle is mother. Make Huntress strong,” she says, even though it was clearly a forest.

His tentacle became razor sharp, zooming right for her head.

She moves her head to the side and fires another arrow at her stationary opponent.

The tentacle only nicked her face, while Assailant was pumped full of arrows.

“Daddy!” yells Stalker, running to his side.

You’ll be happy to know that she was fully clothed now.

“Stay away Sugar Plum, it’s dangerous!” he exclaims, before his cloak opened up. “My hatred for this world gives me the power to protect it!”

A miniature black hole shoots out from his chest. The gravity vortex pulls everything around it towards its insatiable void.

Brawny Bitch plants her feet in the ground, as stubborn as a fundamentalist.

Okay, I don’t know what that is, but Glasses Kid uses the phrase a lot to insult me.

“Made amused. Time got serious,” she says, pulling a mine out of the ground. With those ungodly thick muscles she punches the mine at Assailant. It zooms right past the black hole and hits him head on.

The dark warrior falls to the ground, smoldering. That’s when I realize something. Friendship is still in my hand. I’m armed and ready to fire. I aim the gun at Brawny Bitch as she walks toward her newest victim.

Suddenly something warm yet firm grips my left hand. It’s Best Friend and O.M.G. his shirt is off and so are his pants.

Thank god I don’t suffer from nosebleeds! I can have as many pervy thoughts as I want and no one will know. Mmmm look at those booty shorts.

“If Stalker can strip for you, then so can I,” says Best Friend, pulling off his underwear with a single finger.

Wow…that was so freaking hot. For some strange reason I want to binge Freed! right now!

“Go ahead Main, finish this,” says Best Friend, grabbing my hand as if he was in labor.

“Hasta la vista baby!” I exclaim before Friendship’s rage got the better of Ultima.

Ah, sweet sweet silence. And what do you know? Brawny Bitch is on the ground, completely out cold with smoke coming out from her mouth. She miraculously survived like a One Place antagonist! Which means she can still join my team! Victory!

Alright, time for the ending song.

Best Friend and Stalker are side by side. They both turn their heads, beaming at me in their own ways. They then start to strip, very slowly. The shirt comes off first. Then Best sensuously takes off his pants. Oh, and Stalker removes her skirt I guess. Now they both take a pair of scissors and cut off their own undies. Skulls and valentines, what a contrast. They are both only wearing socks. Now they lean up to the screen and blow a kiss. Now that is some smart two-sided fan service. Very Tale has taught me much. They then turn around and leave. Best Friend struts away, his bare butt glistening. And Stalker, she kind of just bounces. Then it zooms out and I’m knocked out on a bike alongside Friendship. We’re both in a puddle from our massive nosebleeds. Alright! Now that is my kind of ending. I don’t know why Stalker has to take up the other half of the screen, but if I re-watch it with one hand over my eye it’s absolutely perfect! Anyways, time for the preview.

Next time on The Main Character. The main villain appears. This is the man who I will have to beat the living shit out of at the end of the season just so you know. It looks like Brawny Bitch is up and about, sorry for the obvious spoilers. And hey what do you know, Stalker has her clothes on. Wait, who is that rainbow colored figure? Find out on the next potentially stimulating episode of The Main Character.