May 3rd, 2014

When I told Fey we should go to Prom together as a couple, she said yes. She didn’t even hesitate either.

This was a couple of days ago and she has been acting strange since. It’s been so strange that she hasn’t texted me all day at all even though I keep texting her. But I guess we don’t have to talk every day since we’ll eventually run out things to say.

Today I’m with Grace as we go dress shopping together. Sophomores aren’t allowed to attend prom unless taken by a Senior. She’s lucky Andrew is willing to take her. Yet she’s pretty excited she gets to go and maybe joining the after parties if Virginia lets her.

“You think if I get a part-time job, Mom will buy me a car?” Grace asks as we walk in the stores to go dress hunting.

“What makes you say that?”

“Wishful thinking. Your sessions have ended so now she has spare money. How were they anyway? Mine were way shorter than yours.”

“Because you went in for trauma, I was in for depression. And I think they went alright for the most part. My psychologist helped me get through it.”

“What was it like? I mean, like, are you okay? Is it over?”

Grace makes me laughs. “I think it is. What’s with the sudden interest?”

Grace shrugs, “I’m allowed to be curious at my age.”

“Well do you have any more questions, missy?”

“Am I allowed to ask?”

“I don’t see why not.”

Grace and I head over to the most expensive dresses first. Wishful thinking. In fact, all of the dresses in this store will be too expensive for us to afford. “Did you ever figure out why you like to pretend to smoke cigarettes?”

“No,” I never told Fonseca about the cigarettes. I still daydream about them and they are still all relatively the same. I still have the cigarette Bo gave me and I like to keep it in my mouth as I practice my guitar.

“I have a theory. Oh, this one’s pretty,” Grace picks out a red dress for herself and hangs it over her chest. She’s right, it is pretty but too expensive like I thought.

“Shoot.”

“Maybe you like to pretend because a cigarette represents the rebellion inside you but you won’t ever smoke because you’re slowly getting over it,” Grace gets out a white dress for me and holds it over me.

“Maybe,” I giggle. “I don’t deserve white, get me another.”

“Alright,” Grace puts the dress back and finds me a blue one. When she holds it over me, she notices the necklace I’m wearing for the first time. “Where did you get that?”

“Oh, the necklace?” I’ve forgotten that I haven’t told a soul that I went to Emmah’s concert. “Fey got it for me when we got together, she has a matching pair.”

Grace giggles, “You guys are so adorable. Can I ask another question.”

“You don’t need to ask permission Grace. Come on, let’s go to an actual store where we can afford things, like Macy’s or Forever XXI.”

“So like, how is it being a lesbian? I never thought to ask you because I think it’s rude too.”

“How is that rude?” I laugh. The next store isn’t that far and it’s one where Grace is gonna get her dress. “It’s the same as liking guys, Grace, but you replace them with girls.”

“Well duh. But I mean with Freyja. Andrew told me you guys were gonna fuck when we walked in on you guys. How was it?”

“Oh my god, Grace. You’re still a virgin who are you to compare?” I laugh as we enter the store.

“I’m curious, what if I like girls too? I don’t know that yet.”

“I’ll tell you but only if you drop it so we can get you your damn dress.

“Okay,” Grace smiles, “Is having sex with a girl weird?”

“It wasn’t weird. It was a bit awkward because both of us didn’t know what to do but we gave it our best shot. We just ate each other out and felt each other as much as we could.”

“Oh, TMI.”

“Bitch, you asked!” I laugh but it at least gets Grace to drop the subject until we pick out this pink dress that screams out Gracie. It’s cute and innocent like her but shows enough skin that tells me she’s growing up. It’s the perfect dress for someone who is destined to become the queen of Mickle Ray High School and be the person to take up the rightful throne since Elizabeth.

It’s been joked about but I honestly see it happening. With each day that passes she loses her baby face and grows a face of a beautiful woman. She’s making the right friends to boost her social status and once she graduates she’ll stop holding herself back when she hangs out with us.

Grace picks me out this black and white dress that matches everything about me. I couldn’t think about saying no to it because it felt like it had my name stitched on it. I was planning on looking at a few more stores but this would do. Our date to the mall is already over, all that’s left is getting something to eat at the food court. I was hoping it would be longer. Grace and I haven’t had the chance to be sisters for a while so I’m glad this happened. Grace and I haven’t talked about the other day but I think it’s for the best. It’s better this way, Grace isn't supposed to fall down from heaven like we all did.

“I talk to Mom about Dad last night,” she opens with putting a chicken popcorn nugget in her mouth.

“Oh yeah? What about?” I’m reminded that Fey hasn’t texted back. I check my phone if I missed anything, but there’s nothing.

“I thought a lot about what I did. I shouldn’t have kept it a secret and maybe you would have accepted it if I didn’t do it so often.”

Did she tell Mom? “Grace-”

“But I thought a lot about it that night and I wondered if things would be different if I had a dad. I know a lot about him already but I never asked what he thought of me, of what he wanted me to be.”

“He was alive when you were born?”

As far I know Grace’s father was killed in a car accident and she never knew him. “He died when I was two. But I asked Mom and she said that he would steal the world for me.”

“What was his name?”

“Zach (Change later tho)”

“What did Mom say?”

“She said that he wanted me to be a lawyer and work with him so we could save the world together. He had all of this planned out and was about to start working at this big lawyer firm.”

“Wait, how old was he? I thought Virginia had you when she was 17,”

“18, so he died when he was 21. Mom said he was so bright that the firm wanted to hire him as soon as he graduated. In the meantime, he was a paid intern. It’s funny really. I would have had this whole other life if he didn’t die. I would still be in California with different friends. Maybe I would have turned out normal.”

“Normal, what’s normal?”

“Well, not weird. You know what I mean. You saw who I was when you met me.”

I do remember, fondly at that. The memory makes me smile. “And I couldn’t be prouder. But what are you trying to tell me.”

“I guess that I’m sorry. I don’t have the proper guidance so I tend to do stupid things. The closest thing I have for a father right now is Andrew and he isn’t the best role model.”

“We’re still kids, I think we’re allowed to be stupid.”

“I don’t feel like one.”

“Because you sometimes don’t,” I giggle.

Grace takes her time to finish her food while I do the same. She ordered much more than me so it takes her longer. “Are you still mad at me?” When I look at Gracie I see the exact same person I was at her age. She’s lost and maybe a bit confused on what she wants to do. “Sometimes I feel like it’s all worthless and it won’t matter in the end,” but when she says that, I’m reminded of Elizabeth. Yeah, this is a better comparison. Elizabeth was the angel that was dragged down to hell. Gracie is now the angel this town wants to bring down. No, I’m being silly.

“I’m not mad at you Grace. I love you, I just want you to be at your best.”

Grace smiles, “Thank you. Can we stop by the record store today before we head home? There are a few Vinyls I want.”

“Why are you so interested in vinyl the past few months?”

“Cody got me into them.”

“Cody? As in you ex, Cody? Who got Emily shot and disappeared, Cody?” Grace nods like it isn’t a big deal. “You still talk to him?”

“Sometimes. He’s doing well if you’re asking.”

I didn’t want to anyways. Even Andrew doesn’t talk to Cody anymore after what he did. Grace shouldn’t either. Instead, I decide to drop the subject for a later day. We don’t talk about anything important on the way to the record store or as she’s buying a disk there. Once we’re home we show Virginia the dresses we bought and even put them on for her. Andrew snickers at us for caring so something so trivial.

“Shouldn’t you have gone with so you can get a suit?” Virginia comments.

“Oh, right,” He chuckles. “I should probably do that soon. Are you sure you want to pay for that as well?”

“Shut up and go to your room before I change my mind,” Virginia scowls which is pretty funny. It’s a been awhile since the two fought each other like that.

I take a photo of myself in the dress so I can send it to Fey. She still hasn’t said anything back and I’m starting to wonder if she’s okay. I click send with the hope that she will say something back, anything. This silence is making me anxious.

It’s been hard for her I know. Her father was diagnosed with cancer so she hasn’t been in the best of moods lately. I think she’s in the hospital with him, that’s why she hasn't said anything back. But I want to be there for her because I know she needs it.

Then my phone vibrates as I’m in the shower.

Fey ">

I reply: Missed you today. Can I call you later?”

Fey <3: Ok.

I back in the shower wanting to feel Fey’s touch again.