May 4th, 2014

My father throws a dining chair across the living room.

My mother is terrified and doesn’t bother to intervene. My brother stands by her on the sidelines as they watch my now dying father disown me. I told him the truth.

“No daughter of mine will commit one of the forbidden sins! You will live by the hand of God like you were born and raised! This rebellion has gone far enough, Freyja!”

“It’s not a rebellion, this is who I am!” I’m standing up for myself just like how I always wanted to. Now I have that courage and it’s taking me everything I have to stand up straight without trembling.

“GOD DOES NOT ACCEPT FAGGOTS!!!”

“IF GOD WAS ALL GOOD THEN WHY WOULDN’T HE ACCEPT ME?!! I lived my life with blind faith for him, devoted myself to the church and for what?! Are you going to turn back against your own daughter?!”

“YES! If it means forcing you back on the path of God, then so be it! I will not die to let my daughter be corrupted!”

This is what it all adds up to Parents who I love but will never accept who I am. Now I’m tearing my family apart. My mother is sure to hate my father for yelling at me like this and will hate me because I’m no longer the daughter she thought she had. When I’m out of the picture I’m sure my father will grill Alex to be connected with the church and in turn, he will hate me for that too.

“It’s not a choice, Dad. I love her, that will never change.”

My father calms down as well when he takes a deep breath. “On your birthday, when you turn 18, either you break up with her or you leave the house. I don't care where you go and if you do, you are no longer part of this family,” My father finishes before starting to walk past all of us to leave the house.

“Finn!” My mother chases after him.

Alex picks up the chair my father threw and places it back to where it was. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” I ask him when he tries to go upstairs.

Alex stops and looks down on me. “You made your choice, sis. I can’t help you but what you did, that was pretty cool.”

“Do you hate me?”

“Want to know a secret?” I don’t believe in God so I don’t care,” Alex says going upstairs without giving me time to respond.

I go to my room and see if Sara has sent me any text messages. She hasn’t hasn’t responded since the last one I sent. I could really need her right now. It’s hard to keep it all together and not cry. The words that my father said, they can’t be true.

But they add up, I'm being punished.

My mother comes in and sits next to me without a word. She doesn’t say anything for a while in fact. “Did you come in just to scream at me too?” I break the ice.

Mom sighs, “No. I’m not your father.”

“Then leave me alone if you’re gonna scold me.”

“Freyja,” Mom grabs hold of my hand so I know she doesn’t have ill will. It actually helps me calm down a bit. “I was mad when you told me you denounced God after your friend died, but I understood. I thought you would come back to us and you eventually did. I know I strayed off a couple of times when I was younger, so I understood. I also understood when this Sara made you happy again became your best friend. And I want to understand why you feel so strongly for her to the point where you’re in love. I want to understand, Freyja.”

“Do you think that he meant what he said? That I was the reason he got cancer? Is this my punishment from God?”

Mom tightens her grip on my hand. I couldn’t let go even if I wanted to. “I don’t know. I can’t say what God has planned.”

“Do you blame me?”

“No.”

“Are you lying.”

“No,” Mom doesn’t hesitate. She’s telling the truth. “Don’t blame yourself for your father’s cancer.”

But he blames me. I’m not sure if I blame myself but all of this started when I finally accepted that I’m gay and had sex with Sara. It can’t be a coincidence. “So what do you think? Are you gonna shun me because I’m in love with her? Are you here to tell me that it’s wrong because some book said so?”

“No,” Mom let’s go on my head and looks at me. “I just want to understand what makes her so special.”

“It’s not only what makes her special, Mom. I’ve liked girls since I met Elizabeth I just never wanted to admit it. And Sara is much more than that. She’s the one who God put on this earth for me to be with.”

“So this is not a choice? is this is something you can’t control?”

“Yeah, It’s not a choice.”

Mom smiles and holds my hand again letting me know it’s all right. This is what mothers do. They’re the ones who are the most understanding. “You father will never believe that.”

“So what am I supposed to do?”

Mom sighs. “Fey, I know what I’m about to say next will hurt, so I’m sorry,” She pauses. I already know what she’s going to say so I close my eyes. This way I can hear it clearly. “What you’re doing, what you say you are, it’s wrong. Fey, this isn’t who you’re supposed to be. You have no right to deny the presence of Him. If you continue this path, only hell awaits. That being said,” Mom pauses and takes a breath as she lets go of my hand. “God gave us all free will so we are able to live our lives as we want. I won’t accept it you chose Sara over us, but I will understand. I will support this decision and you’ll always be my daughter regardless of what your father says.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m saying that it’s okay if you want to leave, I won’t hate you for it.”

“Is that what you want me to do? Should I throw away everything I have here for some romance that I’m not even sure will last?

“Fey, you know I want you to stay.”

“So do I have to break her heart and mine just to make you two happy? Am I really given this ultimatum?” I finally open my eyes.

My mother gets up from my bed and stands over me. “It’s unfair, I know. Fey, I want you to stay. Break up with her and be miserable again for a while. You’ve known Sara for far too little to throw away your life for her. You still have college to think about, you still have the church to think about and all your responsibilities. You know you will end up successful if you follow the path your father and I have laid out for you. Have you ever told Sara about this? You should, because then maybe she could understand.”

“I know,” I lied to Sara when I told her I didn’t know what I wanted after high school. I never had to figure it out, I always had that path laid out for me since the day I was born. “I know,” I reiterate.

“You still have a month to think about it so take your time. I’ll make sure your father doesn’t pressure you.”

“Thanks,” I say weakly as Mom leaves.

I get out of the house for fresh air. I left my phone in my room so I wouldn’t be disturbed. I have nowhere to go as I aimlessly walk around the town. My father’s words still sting my mother’s words still sting. They hurt so much that I want to run away into Sara’s arms. Maybe I can convince her to run away with me. “You know she wouldn’t let you,” She says walking behind me.

I know that. It’s wishful thinking.

I end up in the town’s skate park. This is where everything fell apart about a year ago. This is where Emily got shot and forced her to leave this town forever. I really liked her. Emily was too kind for this town. I enter the woods, the forest of Darkwood through here. This is the fastest way to the secret open area that only a handful of people know, to the treehouse.

I’ve been there before. Elizabeth invited me along with our friend Carlos to play a game of hide and seek with her new friends of Cody’s group. Then Sara took me there a couple of weeks ago. The treehouse was no longer there, instead, it was just a broken down tree with wood and burnt up photographs everywhere. She said that it was hit by lightning a year ago that destroyed it all. Still, I find myself drawn to it because this is how I feel right about now.

I’ve been struck by lightning and right now it’s burning me down. I pick up one of the photographs that are half burned and washed up from all the rain and mud. It’s one of Sara and Emily although Emily’s side is burned off. I wonder what she’s doing right now. I wonder what everyone’s doing. Maybe it’s time to start up Facebook again just to take a peak. I don’t because it’s better this way, it’s safer. I don’t have to be in the limelight like how Bo put everyone at the start of the year.

It’s been two crazy ass years. I’ve spent 75% of those years hidden away while a lot of people’s world fell apart. Now it’s my turn. This is how my world falls apart and I don’t have a choice. I’ll lose something either way.

I love Sara, I really do. She’s the shining light in the darkness used to live in. I might still do but the light is so bright now I can’t even tell. Even if I wanted to stay with my family, I would end up destroying her. Sara lives in a world of depression and medication just to stay normal, I would undo all the progress she has made if I did that. It’s stupid that I could ever consider it.

I hear a noise not far off from me. It’s the sound of pounding wood. Horror movies tell me not to follow the strange noise but I’m a white girl who doesn’t know better. I walk towards it without caution until I’m a smaller open field that holds a very large tree. There are wooden blanks and tools everywhere. I look up and there’s a wooden base floor already built and someone is hammering up there. Another tree house is being built. I trip on some planks before I can leave and I catch the attention of the person above me.

“Who’s there?” he says, a familiar voice. He looks down but I can’t get a good look at him but he for sure is familiar. “Oh!” The guy comes downclimbing down the steps and jumps down to ground. It’s Cody. I thought he disappeared like a ghost. “Jana, what are you doing here?”

“Hi Cody,” I smile at him. “I go by real name now. It’s Freyja.”

Cody observes me before he says anything. That’s his thing. He always seems like he’s overly serious and always watching. This is something Elizabeth would always talk about, it’s why she liked him in the first place. I think If I would have seen him here before I met Sara I would have hated him. I still want to yet strangely, I feel sorry for him. “Freyja? How did you find this place?”

“I heard the noise and followed,” Nevermind why I was out here in the first place. I can feel Elizabeth’s presence behind me. She’s smiling.

“How have you been?”

“Better.”

Cody chuckles, “Lately, that holds true for everyone I know,” Cody stares directly into my eyes with that intensity Elizabeth always talked about. I thought it was creepy the way she described it but now that I’m seeing it in person, it’s not. Cody looks at me like he’s curious and at the same time protect. I’m careful to make sure his eyes aren't lusting. “Are you okay? You seem in distress.”

It’s odd that he knows this. Everything Elizabeth said about him is true. He knows what’s going on just by looking at me. I don’t want to trust him. He’s the one that dragged Elizabeth down to the rest of us. He’s the one responsible for her death. I want to hate him. I want to. “But you can’t because you know it’s not true.” She says to me. Elizabeth finally moves and positions herself next to Cody. She held his hand even though he can’t feel it and it’s just in my imagination. “I still like him,” she giggles, “you can trust him.”

“What would you do if you have a choice between getting kicked out to be with the person you love, giving up everything and never being able to get it back; Or, breaking the heart of the person you love?”

“Depends on what I’m giving up and how much I love this person.”

“The love is new, fresh and unexplored. What you’re giving up is a secure future without ever having to worry about anything else.”

Cody looks at the sky, “Hmm, that’s a tough one,” He looks down and smiles. “I’m sure whatever you’re going through, you’ll make the right choice.”

“I don’t know which one it is.”

“Two years ago, I would have taken my lover over anything else. Now I live in the real world. There’s only really one choice here, Jana.”

“How do you know that?”

Cody gives off this warm smile that hooks me in. I can’t understand it. “Because family is a pain but they set up the foundation for your life. You just can’t throw all of that away because you think you will love this person forever. Don’t be childish, Jana. I think that’s what your parents are trying to tell you.”

I scoff at him. “How do you know everything? I haven’t told you anything.”

“I know pain when I see it. Right now, you’re being torn apart and it’s pretty easy to see.”

I don’t know why but I start to laugh. I don’t know if it’s because he’s so pretentious or if he’s right. “Elizabeth was right about you. You are an ass.”

Cody chuckles and looks down at this feet for a second. “Yeah, that sounds like me. I’m sorry by the way. I didn’t mean to have things happen the way they did.”

“I don’t need an apology, Cody. But thanks anyway.”

Cody mouths out, “Okay.” Or he whispers it and I just didn’t hear it.

“Can you at least tell me what happened since I have you here? I need to hear it from your own words.”

Cody sighs and walks over to a tree stump near his tree house. He taps it, inviting me to sit. Cody sits back to back to me. “I failed her. I thought I could keep her away from the corruption I inject people with but it was too much.”

“Is that it?”

I feel him shake his head, “I could have been a better boyfriend, a better person. I couldn’t keep her away from the other monsters that lurked around.”

“I talked to Andrew about it. He said Lyle was the one who sold her all of the cocaine, and something called Winter. Who’s Lyle and what’s Winter?”

Cody stays quiet for a moment. Lyle was the drug dealer and Winter was this myth of a drug that likes to spread around school. Andrew refused to go into details. “He forgot the mention the meth. Elizabeth did meth when I tried to cut her off because I was seeing what was happening. Lyle is someone you should never get involved with and Winter is a drug that’s too expensive to ever buy.” Meth. There at things that are better kept unsaid.

Elizabeth stands before me, smiling. “Is this the truth that you seek?”

“Why did she kill herself, Cody? Nobody knows why.”

“That’s because she never told anyone why. She never left behind a note or a goodbye.”

“Then what do you think-”

“Elizabeth was scared of the future and couldn't handle it. She grew to have this highly unhealthy mentality and nobody could help her in time. That’s why she did it.”

I don’t take my eyes off Elizabeth. “Is that true?” I say out loud and she nods. “Do you forgive him?”

“Who are you-” Cody stops himself.

“This is as close as you’re gonna get now and I’ll have to say my final goodbye now,” Elizabeth smiles. “Stay strong, Fey. you were always my favorite and I’ll always love you.”

I watch her fade away for what I know is the last time. I won’t ever see her again. “Okay,” I tell her. “Thank you.”

Cody gets up from his seat and walks around to face me. He taps me with his foot because I don’t pay attention to him. “I’m gonna get going, Jana. Take your time and think things over. I’m sure that’s what you’re doing over here, but still. It was nice seeing you again.”

“Okay, thank you, Cody,”

Cody chuckles and walks away with his hands in pockets. “Oh, and don’t tell anyone about this place! It’ll be our secret like how I know yours now!” Cody disappears again and I’m likely to never see him again.

The tree house he is building, it’s massive. Just from the base alone, it feels like it’s going to be a cabin more than anything. He already has a well done and I’m wondering if he’s doing it all by himself. Cody is rebuilding himself. It goes to show that I am not alone in the world. It seems everyone is broken in one way or the other.

I find myself taking an Uber to the 18 diner just in the outskirt of town. This is the only entrance and exit into Darkwood and the diner is a very popular place to hang out for a post-midnight snack. I haven’t been to many parties since her death, but I know it changed the culture. More people prefer going to other towns and into the city to have fun so this is where they all meet. This is the only place I know I will find Amanda.

I remember her clearly before the change. She tried too hard to be like and in the end, Elizabeth made her a laughing stock. But no one else had the charisma and boldness that she has so she eventually took over the school. I do hate how popularity is important to people. But sure enough, Amanda is here. I expect her to be with her minions but I only find her with her friend, Paige.

I sit next to them but they ignore me like I don’t even exist. They continue their gossip as usual. I feel sorry for Amanda the most. She hopelessly clinging on to all the attention she can get before it all goes away in a few weeks. I wonder how truly empty she is inside.

“Can I help you, freak?” Amanda finally acknowledges me after not saying anything for five minutes. She likes to make fun of me but she forgets what we were once close friends. I know a lot of about her that can expose her. I think Amanda doesn’t understand this or maybe she does and just doesn’t care. “Do you want to die? What gives you the right to sit with us?”

“You used to be nice to me, what happened?”

Amanda scoffs, “It’s not rocket science.”

She only likes to pick on me because I stop being friends with her after how disgusting I found their culture to be. “I’m back to normal, I’m not a freak anymore.”

Amanda takes a moment to examine my clothing. I have to admit, it’s a bit old because I’m wearing what I wore two years ago but at least I’m trying. “Well, you still hang out with the freaks. What do you want, Jana?”

In reality, I only came here for one thing. Now that I’m here I’m not even sure why I’m here. “I wanted to say that I’m sorry,” Amanda and Paige look at each other. I don’t have anything to apologize for. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t be your friend.” That’s all I came to say so I take my leave. I had this entire speech ready to tell her. Yet when it came down to it, I just couldn’t say it.

Amanda comes out running as I walk back into town. “Is that really all you have to say? You can still come back!”

I turn to her and shake my head. I didn’t stay friends with her for a reason so I have no reason to be one now. “Maybe in another life.” I leave her as I think that I have to do the same with Sara. This time it’s different, so much different. I’m really being forced to leave her.

My dad is home when I come inside my house. We ignore each other as I head up to my room. My mom tries to stop me be but I ignore her too. It’s been about four hours since I left home and Sara has finally replied. It’s the only thing that can really make me smile.

Alex comes in my room without knocking. Now that he I’m out of my shell he’s been doing this a lot. He likes me more now that I’m more talkative. “Dad is still super pissed.”

“Let him,” I text back Sara apologizing for taking so long.

Alex closes the door behind him and sits on my desk chair. “I never have seen him that pissed. It’s pretty cool that you managed to piss him off that much.”

“I don’t think it’s a good thing. You heard him.”

“Right, sorry. Are you gonna run away after your birthday? You know Dad will let you be homeless just for turning your back on the church.”

“Didn’t you?”

“I play a facade. I’m fine pretending.”

“If I leave that’ll force you to take my place. It’ll be your life, are you fine pretending then?

Alex laughs, “That’s why I want you to stay. But if you don’t then I’ll have to join you.” He turns on my PC then the monitor. I haven’t used the thing in months. “We’re bad kids, Lol.”

I can’t believe my brother actually said Lol as a word. That’s how the younger kids are I guess. Even my own brother is against my own sexuality even though he doesn’t have faith in the church. “Well, what’s your opinion, what should I do?”

“I already told you. Sara isn’t a good person, you shouldn't be with someone like that in the first place.” My own brother still believes the old rumors about Sara even though she’s not that person anymore. “But you say you’re in love with her but you haven’t really told anyone. I’m the only one that knows that isn’t part of your friend group.”

“You’re not gonna tell anyone are you?”

“Only if you decide to leave after your birthday,” He laughs. Now that the computer is booted up he goes gets online.

“What are you doing?”

I get close to the edge of my bed to see what he’s googling. It’s a bible verse that he should have memorized. At least he knows what passages he should look for. Corinthians, Hebrews, Roman, and Leviticus. In short, he’s just telling me that homosexuality is wrong, something I already knew. “In Hebrew here it says to pursue peace with all people. The fact that our dad isn’t doing this is really contradictory.”

“You know the church only follows what it wants to believe and ignores all the rest.”

Alex laughs, “Which is why I decide to leave. You should look into Buddhism, I heard they’re much more accepting.”

“Alex, you’re not helping. Get out of my room,” I throw a pillow at him but he just catches it. “Your not even on my side, what’s the point of you being here.”

Alex gets up and throws the pillow back at me. “I just want you to make the right choice. Lie to them like I do and just run away after you graduate from college. At least that way you can support yourself and not be homeless. Just a thought, you didn’t even have to tell them today anyway.”

I did because they wouldn’t give me money for a dress otherwise. He wasn’t there for that part. I’ve been meaning to tell them for a while now because I can’t keep things hidden from then. They wouldn’t give me money unless I told them who was my date.

Alex leaves and I’m left alone for a short minute before my mother comes in. “Just because of what happened today doesn’t mean we shouldn’t deny you the dance everyone waits for in high school.” She pulls out a couple of bills out of her purse and hands them over to me. It’s a total of 400 dollars. “Buy yourself something nice and don’t tell your father. Sleep tight, Fey.” Mom isn’t as bad as I thought she would be but I know she still wants me to be who she wanted me to be.

I’m reminded how much I would lose just because I want to keep Sara in my life. That’s not even the issue. My dad thinks I‘m choosing to like Sara. I didn’t even want her to be my friend in the first place. I never even wanted to have feelings for anyone. Nothing was ever planned, why can’t he understand that. At least my mom is trying to.

Sara texts me back. She had a pretty bad day where she felt like shit and wished that I wasn’t busy so I could have come over. Sara has had more bad days than good ones lately. It’s one of those things that come with depression but she says her goal is to conquer it once and for all.

It’s funny, Sara became my friend because my depression was just like hers. All it took was her friendship to show me the light in my world but Sara is more complicated. I often find myself feeling sorry for her because of all she’s endured. There are things she hasn’t told me either but I know I shouldn’t ask until she’s ready to tell me. She told me about her mother’s suicide and even her father’s imprisonment. I still don’t know why but I know it’s nothing good. Then there’s what happened to her when she ran away for a month and a half. She refuses to even bring that up. There’s still so much I want to know about her but now I’ll have to cut it short. This is an ultimatum where I don’t have a choice.

If I’m being reasonable, I have to leave her.

If I leave this family, I lose my college fund to study whatever I want. I lose the family inheritance that would allow me never work a day in my life. In return all my parents ask for is for me to stay in the church and lead it so it could continue to grow just like my mother before me. I can lead a very comfortable life I just listen to my parents.

But I found peace and comfort in sharing my existence with Sara. I have the satisfaction knowing I have Sara listening. I thought I found something special and I thought it could last. Yet the church has to come back and tear me apart. I’m trapped in my head because of it and I’m pushed back into this darkness.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to be free. This isn’t something I can just run away from. Dad says I have a choice but I really don’t.

I’m going to lose Sara. I won’t be able to hear the sound of her voice. I won’t hear her laughter or feel her skin. I won’t be able to make smile. I won’t be able to tell her I love her. I won’t be able to kiss her lips.

I won’t be able to be myself.

I won’t be okay.

I won’t have a life to live.

I don’t need to be okay. I don’t need to be afraid.