April 20th, 2014

I feel better.

I feel a lot better. Tomorrow is my last session with Dr. Fonseca and she promises that after it I will have the tools to live out a normal life. But I’m happy again and get to focus on other people instead of just myself and Fey. We walk together after school and even though we live on different streets we end up going to a major street that's a halfway point to our houses. This is where we say goodbye but continue to text each other on the way home.

I asked Andrew to delay Grace from coming home early. When he asked why I almost told him the truth. Instead, I told him I needed to confirm something really quick. I don’t doubt Andrew being able to figure it out or he just wouldn’t care. As soon I get home I throw my backpack on the couch and head over to Grace’s room. There’s nothing under her pillow. It figures, I thought it was odd she would keep an eight ball there. I check under the mattress and nothing. There isn’t anything in her closet either and I start to wonder if she finished it all.

I think back to two years ago to see where I hid my bags. Of course, Grace hid it in between one of her books. This is where I used to hide it when I didn’t have much left. This time I put it in my pocket instead of taking some for myself. I can’t have that moment of weakness again.

Grace comes home and immediately goes to her room. “What’s going on?” Andrew asks. I pull Andrew aside the kitchen and pull out the bag I took from Gracie. “What? You want to share?”

I kick his foot, “No dumbass. This is Grace’s. Do you know anything about that?”

Andrew shakes her head. “Since when did Grace?”

“I don’t know, but I found it. I thought you may have given it to her. I really don’t want her to get addicted to it.”

Andrew sighs, “And you want me to talk to her? Wouldn’t that be hypocritical? We were doing the same shit at her age.”

“And look at where it all got us.”

Andrew scoffs, maybe even laughs I can’t tell. “We’re not her parents. Let her do what she wants, she’s growing up,” Andrew gently pushes me aside to get a glass of water. “Or do you still want her to be that awkward nerdy virgin of everything when we first met her?”

“Not this, Andrew. Not like this. She’s suppose to be better than us. It’s our job to not let this down corrupt her like it did to us.”

Andrew sighs and drinks all of his water in one go. “Fine, but we do it together.”

That was my original plan anyway.

Andrew knocks on Grace’s door and she opens up a few seconds later. She’s playing a game that’s on pause. If it was online, she would have just told us to come in. Andrew doesn’t hesitate to show her the bag of coke. “What’s this?”

Grace’s eyes widen in shock and horror. “That isn’t mine! I’m keeping it for my friend.”

Andrew snickers, “Don’t bullshit me, Grace.”

“I found it under your pillow a couple of days ago. I didn’t say anything until I knew you were actually doing it.”

“It’s my first bag I bought, I swear!”

“Grace, since when have you been doing this?” Andrew moves forwards, intimidating Grace to walk back. I tend to forget that Andrew can be the scariest person when he gets mad. “I know when you lie so try to be honest.”

“I uh, I,” Grace fumbles over her words. I think she could crumble up in a ball at any second.

“What, Grace?”

“Andrew, don’t be so hard on her! Gracie, we just don’t want you to become what we used to be. We’re concerned, not mad.”

“I’m mad,” Andrew states.

“Since last summer!”

“What?! Andrew and I say simultaneously. “Grace, why?” I continue.

This is a lot of pressure for Grace. We have never been mad at her and I don’t think Virginia has ever yelled at her. This may be the first time Grace is getting in trouble. “Because.”

“Because?” Andrew steps forward again, pushing Grace back one more. “Tell me.”

“Do you no remember what happened last summer?! Emily getting shot? Chris going to that mental hospital? Cody disappearing like a ghost? It all got fucked up and I just wanted to escape it for while. I just liked it more than anything else.”

Escape. I can understand that. I’m still worried about her, but I can at least understand why I should be. I used to be like her, maybe I still am and Fey is just that escape. “Who gave it to you?”

“This guy I know. He’s a friend and we talk to each other like once a month.”

Andrew takes a deep breath. “This shit stops now.”

“Okay,” Grace’s voice is weak. “I’ll stop.”

“Good.”

“But this is bullshit. You’re stopping me from this when last year you took me to a rave and gave me ecstasy? Or how about the time where you all peer pressured me to drink and smoke weed? Where’s the fucking line?”

I had a feeling she would bring this up. “That was our mistakes. We didn’t know any better.” Gosh, I sound like a parent. Right now I feel much older than I actually am.

“And you do now? Because Andrew doesn’t drink every night and you didn’t have sex with Fey a couple days ago in the couch.”

“We’re learning on the go?” I don’t know if Andrew made a joke there or not but I found it funny. I couldn’t though, it wouldn’t be appropriate. “Look, we fucked up. I fucked up, Grace.”

“Is this your apology, Andrew? You never apologized for that night. I still remember it by the way. I still would have let you.”

I don’t get what Grace is talking about. What night? The one where Andrew confessed to me when he was drunk? That was the day he took her to that rave, wasn’t it?

“I’m not talking about this.”

“But I want to! Why did you stop?!”

I sense Andrew getting pissed again. Grace doesn't know that I know but now I get to hear it from her mouth. “I was fucked up. That isn’t who I am anymore, Grace. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t beat around the bush, Andrew. Tell Sara what you did, then I’ll accept your apology and I’ll never get high on coke again.”

Andrew looks over to me. We haven’t talked about it since he first told me. I doubt he remembers. “I told her, she knows. Right, Sara.”

“I want you to tell me what happened, Grace. Did Andrew hurt you?”

Grace is in tears at this point. It’s not anything major but this isn’t fair what we’re doing. “Andrew wanted to fuck me and after I struggled a bit I finally gave in and wanted it. He never hurt me.” Grace wipes away her tears and sits down on her chair. “Are you done? Or are you gonna tell Mom?”

I shake my head, “No. I’m sorry we did this, Gracie. I just don’t want you to end up like I did. Drugs don’t help you escape.”

“I want to be left alone now.”

“Okay,” I say walking out of her room but Andrew doesn’t.

He takes a few steps towards me before stopping and turning to Grace. “If you ever need anything, I would stop the world to help you, Grace. You aren’t alone.”

Andrew follows me to my room and lays down on my bed. He seemingly pulls out a lollipop out of nowhere and puts it in his mouth. I sit down at my desk and open up my laptop to get started on my homework. “When you said that to Grace about stopping the world, did you mean it?”

“Of course.”

“I thought I was the only person you cared about.”

“Grace comes a close second. Her innocence begs to protected. I think I see her as family.”

“You’re growing soft, is it because of Jerrica?”

“Fuck off, Sara,” He laughs, confirming my suspicion. “What about Jana Frey-ja Elledge Kramer Electric Boogaloo? I never asked how was it. Was she tight? She looks like she’s tight.”

“Ew, Andy. I’m not gonna tell you. And I don’t have a dick so I wouldn’t know,” I laugh.

“Are you happy with her?”

I look over at my brother who is staring at the ceiling. “Of course.” Andrew looks over at me and smiles. Part of me wants to ask more about this Jerrica girl but I know he won’t answer. Still though, to have Andrew be hooked she must be one amazing girl.