sunday

1:29 am

when am i going to wake up.

i need to get my life together. so why am i getting worse?

i really really really wish that whatever possible higher being out there could just give me the courage to end my life already. it has just been, so. long. so so long and yet tears still stream down my face at the end of every day. i dont understand and i hate that i want to understand so badly.

living like this is so embarassing. i just want to hide away in embarrassment rather than experience getting better and dealing with that kind of embarrassment where everyone knows you fucked up the first time and have to pull yourself back together. why am i afraid of imperfection so much. it hurts that i have only realized its to this extent now.

i started having weird dreams. i fucked up my sleep schedule again to avoid my mom and sister, ultimately because of dog. i miss playing with him. he was annoying but so cute. naive. and needed love. is that why i pitied him so much. is that why i pity me so much. did i miss that dog or did i like him and hate him because he reminded me of me. is that why i have so many mixed emotions. is this thought process just conceited because i only think about myself.

i realized im not using question marks because what im saying arent even really questions i can have answers for.

a few days ago i chatted with a nice crisis text line lady named elle who helped calm me down because i really wanted to give myself a concussion. honestly i was struggling because i was hitting myself and i was only getting a fleeting rush. i was so sad that i couldnt even hurt myself properly. i hate that i rely on everyone in my life so much.

it got me thinking about how in third grade i literally wrote about moving to japan to live on my own at 15 because i didnt know at the time but i felt so neglected.

i wish that there was just something, bigger, that was wrong with me. if depression, anxiety, and si is so common, why have i been struggling so hard for so damn long. am i doing something wrong. well i know i am. im avoiding. but is that so out of the ordinary. isnt that just natural flight or fight. is that not an obvious factor that people consider when treating depression. is exposure therapy my only option.

why cant i just learn.

anyway that elle crisis line lade sent me a link to a list of coping mechanisms and one was to look at clouds. ive been thinking about that since then. i like watching clouds, it was something that my first "boyfriend" introduced me to. i really appreciate him for that. i wish i had the confidence to apologize and say sorry for how i treated him when i realized i probably just liked the idea of a relationship. young and dumb i guess. really really dumb.

anyway i still like watching the clouds move. they go so much faster than you think sometimes. its like the world stops to spin just for you.

well i stepped outside and even though there were clouds, it was far too bright for my eyes to look at. i kinda want to go for the alternative and stare at the stars after i finish typing. maybe if i can appreciate the beauty of the world ill stop feeling so small. i dont know.

i want my tiredness of being bored, sad, lonely, lazy, and complacent to finally manifest into something other that depression cycles and anger.

i was really ready to get up and hang out under that stars but i heard a certain someone get up and now im going to wait to avoid them. i hate that i let my ego get in the way of doing things i want to do. am i ever going to get to that age where i dont let other people affect me.

i cant even study tagalog because it connects to much to my relationship with my parents and family. i want to grow up already. and at the same time im so terrified of growing up.

my dad is turning 60 in less than 2 years. can i even really let an aging hard working man like my father lose his youngest daughter. if i deserve the pain i give myself maybe the universe is just letting me suffer because i deserve it. i deserve this mental turmoil. i dont even know actually.

i dont even know what i like. its like i base so many of my opinions on the opinions of others. i cant even make my own friends. i hate feeling so stupid. when did that even happen. i used to crave knowledge and competition. this is so pathetic and embarrassing.

maybe my phone is charged enough for me to listen to music while i lay outside by now.

2:00am