This is not love. It is pure heartbreak and torture. For the umpteenth time, I came to our favorite spot, the place where I first met those brown irises that made me forget reality. Where I realized I had a shot to do things differently. I came here with all kinds of desires and fantasies of a world that he'd come back.

I sit across from where it all started, where we first hugged, kissed, and he fed me lies. Lies that made me believe we both wanted the same thing, that nothing would separate what we were from what we could be. Then came a truth I neglected to realize yet always felt deep inside my core.

Reminiscing the humiliation from our last conversation I could not describe, but only live it.

I wonder where and how you are right now and keep asking myself whether I should move on or hold on a little longer. Do you think about me? What do you think of me? Do you still want me? What kind of "us" does the future hold if you don't want anything to do with me? I made one mistake which I apologize for. But inevitably our bubble bursts, then everything crumbled. I try stopping everything from falling apart but to no use.

The moment is past, and no matter how many times I revisit it, I can't change it. The only reason I decided I wanted to go back was because it broke me to the point I needed to relive the damage to do it differently, for my inner peace and my heart, because even though he didn't give a shit, I still cared. A lot.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you'd travel back in time for a different outcome? I did, and no matter how many times I have, going back has been of no use to me because after a many number of times I crossed the veil and went back, it always ends the same.

Every moment was like a plunge into my chest. I decided to go back one last time to close out this chapter in my life because that's what you were meant to be in it.

As I take in the night breeze, I start praying and close my eyes to wait for what started all this.

"Are you ready?" I look towards the angel that never gave me his name, but would bring me back in time after I prayed to him every time I came here.

"Yes, but this is the last time I'm doing this." I could barely choke out.

"Agreed, remember only if you did it as it was originally intended to be is how you could change it." He said firmly.

"I don't want to change it at this point. I made a choice, and I have to stick by it. I just want this last time done with."

"As you wish. See you on the other side." He breathed as he disappeared and I went back.

Just one last hurt so I can say goodbye to my expectations for what we were. No going numb, no going with what happened, no just tweaking things here and there to alter too little or too much the future and fuck things up even earlier.

Doing it as I want it. Give it the final ending I selfishly wanted yet knew I deserved.

I close my eyes as I cross the veil, and I'm suddenly back in my car, back in time, in the same spot. I'd just brought a few things at the grocery store and waited hours to meet him. I talked to the same people from that day and saw his car pull up from the distance.

I stand there knowing he is watching me, making me believe he didn't go to see my reaction from afar. I kept thinking to myself, enjoy this last time, get your closure with the situation, and be free of the memories that haunt me. I want to do this. No I need to. For everyone who doesn't get the chance to revisit situations that hurt them to do them better, this is for you and me. No more wondering what could have been different. But acting on it.

I did everything differently. I didn't walk back to my car or get frustrated I just went to a corner to sit there alone. To wait for him. And indeed, there he was.

"Hey there, beautiful pink-haired lady."

I turn around to have one final look at him. "Hi there, happy you could make it."

He studied me as he always did and asked to hug me. This time I hugged him back with all the force in my bones and body, a goodbye, a letting go promise untold.

"We're you waiting for long?" He scratched his hair.

"Only for three hours." I smile. "But it's okay because now you're here."

"I'm sorry, I got off work late and am tired, but I wanted to see you. I'd never been here before, and it's so close to my house."

If only he'd remember we'd done this rodeo so many times. This was my 100th time going back in time, and it would surely be the last.

"It's my place. I come here alone to have peace. Now you can come here too." I smile.

"We'll come again together."

"I'd like that." I smile wider and hold on to the tears that threaten to form in my eyes, knowing this never happened, nor will it.

He holds me like he did that night. I turn back to his beard and smell it, that smell I had wanted to hold on to for so long that I now feel like freeing myself of it.

"Tell me about you," I asked like always, and he told me about himself, things he liked to do, what he worked on, and what he wanted this to be, which I agreed to. I was always afraid to tell him more about me, but I felt like giving him the information I hadn't before which for the first time, extended the conversation.

I started thinking to myself, what did I even see in this person? why did I get so infatuated to the point of obsession? Because going back in time, for him, was on a whole other level. I've won on all things that had been tried before for someone you cared about in your heartspace.

He leaned down to kiss me like he always had, and this time I turned his face down with my hand and gave him a kiss on the forehead. He looked at me with the most loving eyes, adoration. I'd never seen that look on his face.

"This was fun. I'll see you around." I walked to my car and did not look back.

Next thing I know, we're in our second time together, at his house, our first time.

We played board games and talked, played music, laughed, and chatted. All of a sudden, he made the same move he always did, walking towards me to kiss me which I stopped for a second and had a more in-depth conversation about what I wanted, letting my needs be known, letting my thoughts, vulnerabilities wants, what was not acceptable to me from him and my desires out in the open to this man who to him was his second time meeting me, but to me, it had been more like a lifetime.

His response shocked me because now I understood we always needed to have this conversation from the beginning. We were adults, and half assed discussions did not clarify what we were in for.

"I haven't moved on from someone I cared about. To be frank, you're not the only person in my life, nor do I know if I want you to be. But you can have one thing for certain, whenever you want to, I am here for you."

"I will be too." I smiled and told him the downer every men dread; "I am on my period," and he as always didn't care and made it known to me.

His words were all too much, and I couldn't resist, so we went to his room, taking our clothes off on the way and manifesting our first time. One. Last. Time.

He was caring as always, asking me what I needed, he was gentle and careful. A gentleman.

Once we were done, the setting quickly changed to our second encounter, where I was in the same place, his house but with different clothes. We'd both just gotten out of watching the same movie, but in different places without even knowing it.

"I feel like I went to the movies with you." That was his answer when I told him what I'd done before I went to his home.

This time was different, not too awkward like the first, and we tried new intimate things. It's like we were getting comfortable with each other. I could feel him there, then detached, then there, and then detached again. I did the same movements but with more passion, desperate, savoring this moment that would come to an end.

This time everything went so fast, skipping the text messages, and calls, my overthinking, time went faster overall.

Before the setting changed to our last time, I did something different I sat down to talk to him about some things I had been feeling recently and going through, which had caused tension in my encounter and texts with him. I could see he felt sorry for me and understood what I was going through.

During our last time together, he didn't kiss me, and when he did, I realized I was in uncharted territory all of a sudden this time around as the last setting happened.

"You remind me of her" He voiced out the exact words I hoped that wasn't the reason he treated me so poorly.

"What do you mean?" I looked at him, trying to look confused, which I was, but I knew deep inside where he was coming from now.

"All the her's that treated me poorly, that didn't want to put in the effort and wanted to leave. The same her's are part of the reason why I always cut ties with people so easily."

"This isn't just because of women, and you know it. It's because of your family too." I turned his head to me and kissed him desperately, passionately, needily, then asked, "I told you we needed to always talk things out. Will you keep your word?"

Before he could give his response, I was taken to our last moment in the timeline before the final humiliation. I couldn't say anything that I had said before. I'd been drunk that night, but I was able to gain the self-control I needed to stop and not fuck it up. I just didn't want that to be the ending, so I did a drastic change. I changed what happened and didn't say anything, never texted, and never replied. The end result was the same, he ended up taking me out of his life, but this time on my terms. The memory of the hurt was worse, but I'd already gone through it up to this point in time.

I was now back in my spot, looking towards the clearing, "How do you feel this time?"

"Did you see?" I asked, embarrassed.

"Yes, a fitting end for a person that doesn't care about others, only himself. You did what you had to do, as it was intended. He needed to learn his lesson."

"He made me see he had his reasons."

"He was a teacher of a life lesson in you too. You still remember things differently because you could change it. Let this serve you as great closure not everyone will ever get."

"I feel better about things now. Will I ever see you again?"

"I will watch over you but have many others to help." He prepared himself to leave.

"So this happens with others too?" I walk to him.

"With a select few people, god's favorites."

"I am one of his favorites?" I ask in disbelief.

"He's seen many of your lifetimes in the ways you have given yourself to serve others and how you have suffered for it. In this one, he wanted to gift this to you in the moment you needed it to finish shaping yourself into who you are meant to be from now on. You needed this."

"Thank you," I whispered like a prayer looking up. The next thing I knew, the angel was gone.

I started walking to my car and looked around everywhere one last time, taking it all in before I went home.

Distracted by the happiness and the change I felt, I suddenly bump my head and body into someone and fall back thankfully into the grass.

The person gave me a hand to get up, and as I looked up to apologize for my clumsiness, I meet the brown eyes I hadn't seen in a year. Those same brown eyes I had just said goodbye to minutes ago.

"I had a feeling I would find you here eventually." He grinned.

"That so?" I am surprised by his words.

"I come here every now and then, hoping to run into you again. Never had such luck until now." He acted as it was a casual conversation, as if we had talked until recently.

I opened my mouth to talk but could not think of words to respond, knowing how he hadn't done this because I had done the same and never saw him.

Finally using the courage I had in me; "I'm glad you liked this place to come back so much. Take care."

It hit me. I just changed his timeline, and that was added to his actions, and then I started to wonder, what else I changed about him.

As I entertained those thoughts for a moment, I start walking to my car, not looking back as he told me to wait for him.

Wait for him? The nerve. I needed to flee because I wasn't about to treat him the same, I was the better person and I forgave, but I wouldn't forget he hurt me deeply even id he didn't remember. I couldn't let myself repay him with the same disrespect. How he treated me like shit you flush down the toilet, like garbage you throw out of your home, so the garbage man comes to take it. I would be damned if I let him again after I just went through all this. I wasn't about to let him do it again.

Goodbye, Chad, I had my closure, now it's time you got yours.