JJ refused to believe the words coming from the doctor's mouth.

He was lying.

"Don't give me that bullshit, I want to see her." He took a step forward, anger filling him to the brim. John B reached to grab his shoulder but JJ shrugged him off.

The doctor looked at the blond, then around at the group that sat in the private waiting room.

There was a group of teenagers covered in blood, a baby that was crying, crying because of the heartbreaking noise coming from his grandmother. Laura's world had finally crumbled, it was in ruins at her feet.

She'd lost her husband, that in itself was heartbreaking.

But Otto was dead.

Freddie was screaming like he knew what was happening, the room was so tense, Sarah took the baby from Kie and left with Freddie trying to calm down the infant.

"By the time she made it into surgery she had lost too much blood, we tried everything we could but we couldn't save her. I'm so sorry for your loss." The doctor explained it one more time, JJ lunged at him but John B caught him and this time didn't let JJ shrug him off. He kept his arms tightly wrapped around his friend and the doctor left.

"She's fine." JJ said with so much heartbreaking confidence. "Stop fucking acting like what he said was true. It's Tillie, she'd survive-- she'd survive anything... she's not dead."

John B just squeezed his friend tighter, "She's not dead, JB, she's not dead. She's fine."

His brain refused to even entertain the idea that she was dead, it felt ridiculous. Otto was too stubborn to just die, especially by Wes' hand. Plus she had Freddie, she wouldn't just leave Freddie.

The doctor was playing a fucked up joke.

But the room was so tense, Kie was holding Laura who was in so much pain she didn't think it was possible. Kie herself was sobbing, and Pope just sat shell-shocked.

He blamed himself.

He hadn't done enough to save her, all the text books and TED talks didn't do shit. He didn't save Otto. If he had only got their quicker, put more pressure on it or anything else. He should've done something more. He shouldn't have just let her die.

JJ broke free of John B's grip for just a second, he didn't run to knock out the lying doctor he just looked at his bestfriend.

"She's not dead."

John B winced, "I'm so sorry."

JJ shoved him, "She's not dead!" He shouted, in complete denial.

"I'm so sorry, JJ."

JJ didn't make a move to shove him further, the anger was slowly slipping away.

"Tell me she's fine." He said so quietly, begging John B.

The brunet boy shook his head, "I can't tell you that." He walked over to his friend and grabbed him so tightly, not knowing what else to do.

John B's heart clenched when he felt the first sob escape his best friend's mouth, he sat them both down and sat there for what felt like hours. Both of them holding on tightly to eachother.

But the only person he wanted to hold was Otto.

He wanted her to tell him that she was fine, that they were going to be fine. Because he didn't think he could do anything without her, despite not knowing her for all that long she had flipped his life right-way-up. He had never been a functional human without her to show him. And they had Freddie, he had no fucking clue how to look after Freddie alone.

All he wanted was her. All he'd ever want was her.

But he couldn't have her, Wes took her away from him.

He never moved on. How could he when he'd already found the perfect woman? No one would ever compare to Otto. She was exactly what JJ needed. He balanced him out, brought out all the best parts in him and helped him push out the bad bits.

He pissed her off in a way no one else could, she knew exactly how to press his buttons.

Having someone else try to take her place was something that hurt him, she was not replaceable. He didn't want a girlfriend or wife or anything like that, he just want her. But he couldn't have her anymore, so he just wanted to make her proud.

Watching Freddie grow up, looking more and more like his mother was bittersweet. He was so fucking proud of himself because he hadn't thrown himself into a nosedive, Sarah and John B took Freddie for a week to let both Laura and JJ sort out their affairs.

They had the funeral and JJ took Freddie back to their flat that day.

He didn't want to move anything of hers, he didn't want to move her shoes from the haphazard pile she'd thrown them in beside beside door - because it was some of the last shreds of her that he'd ever have, if he put them away she'd never kick other off by the door again.

They'd stay where he put them.

He slept on the sofa for an entire month, he moved all Freddie's stuff out there and he didn't go into the bedroom.

But after he began to work himself through the stages of grief and got to the point where he accepted that she was gone, and she wasn't coming back he knew the only way he wanted to live his life was in a way that would make her proud.

So he cleaned the apartment, putting her shoes in the wardrobe, he made their bed and when he was putting away some of her clothes a note fell out of the pocket of her favourite jumper.

Dear J,

If you're reading this and I haven't directly given it to you I will cut your dick off.

But if I have given it to you then I will cut your dick off if you make a big deal out of this. Don't test me J.

I'm shit at telling people how I feel, I get defensive and say shit I don't really mean. So I know if I ever tried to say any of this to you I'd probably end up calling you a cunt or something like that, so it's best if I write it out to avoid that.

When I met you I was fucking miserable, I was hooked on pills and making my way through life in such a haze. I wouldn't let myself feel anything because it hurt, I was snorting something every five minutes. But then I met you and you had to go and get my pregnant.

Kinda had to kick the habit.

I say all this shit about how my life is a fucking disaster and you ruined all my plans but in reality I didn't have any. I was so terrified of the future and what that looked like that I didn't have any.

If I hadn't met you I'd probably be dead. I began to get a little careless about what I put up my nose, I stopped counting and calculating.

I was so scared I don't think I wanted a future.

A large aspect of that terror was due to my father, I thought that when he died I'd go with him. But I didn't and you are the reason for that, you have the patience of a fucking saint for staying in bed with me for weeks.

I haven't properly thanked you for that. I don't think I could've done that without you, I think it would've killed me.

You and Freddie have saved my life, you've given me purpose where there was none. While my issues may not have been as glaringly obvious as yours (I've never destroyed a house because I got angry) they were very much there and very much eating me alive.

You not only saved me from my head but you showed me something I didn't think I would ever get to experience.

You showed me that what real love was like, and having you treat me like I'm something valuable had helped me realise that I deserve better than what other men have given me. You've truly changed the way I see myself, you've helped me accept things I never thought I could.

No matter how hard I've tried to push you away you haven't budged, you're stuck to my fucking side like velcro and as much as I pretend to hate it I don't.

If you make a big deal about what I've said you should say goodbye to your dick.

I don't like it when you're not there, I miss you when you're not around me.

I don't tell you how much I care about you which isn't fair, you deserve someone who can just tell you what I really feel. Although I think you know. I hope you know. I try to show you I care through actions and hope the whole "actions speak louder than words" shit works.

You are also the best father for Freddie than I ever could have asked for, you are so good with him. You are such a good father. Although you need to stop with the whole "evening out the playing field" because you've cleaned up enough shit by now.

When I think about the best moments of my life you are in just about every single one.

Again, if you ever bring this up I will cut your dick off.

Although I'm pretty sure I'm never going to work up the guts to give this to you anyway.

With k̶i̶n̶ love, Tillie.

He always knew she loved him, she showed him through her actions, sometimes she'd say stuff with this look that was telling him what she couldn't say.

It broke his heart that her telling someone she loved them wasn't something she seemed to be able to do, but he was also glad she didn't say it to make him feel better.

It would always hurt him that she never said it to him, but he got the next best thing. He got it I'm writing. He could always read it when he missed her, each time he read those three words he could hear her say it.

He told her in the back of that van.

He said it with such conviction, maybe a little part of him knew what was going to happen.

JJ was hellbent on making sure Freddie knew about Otto, that he knew how much she loved him and how amazing she was and how strong she was. He wanted his son to love her as much as he did.

Although he didn't think that was possible.

Looking at pictures of her hurt less as time went on, he kept one on him at all times.

He refused to forget what she looked like. He'd have her face tattooed on the inside of his eyelids if he could.

Laura was a massive help to JJ, they had a sense of understanding with eachother, they had both lost Otto and they had both lost the love of their lives.

Even after the Pogue's got the gold and JJ could move to Mars if he wanted he stayed in the flat that Otto loved so much. He didnt want to live somewhere Otto had never step foot in, he needed her presence of it wouldn't be a home.

He also wanted Freddie to be as close to Laura as possible, he wanted Freddie to have as much family as he could give him.

JJ wanted to give Freddie what Otto seemed to value about her childhood.

He was never the same without Otto, but she had still done what everyone else thought was impossible.

No matter how much life fucking hurt without her he'd never give up the short amount of time they had together for anything.

•

This was the original ending, I was so close to using it but I loved them too much.

But this has been burning a hole in my phone and I just want to put it out their, it's a lil' sad but ho hey.

I don't have a ship name for JJ and Otto but #whatevertheirshipnamewouldbe

The reception for this has been so much better than I hoped, I really put my heart and sole into it and I hope it shows. Thank you all for being so kind, I really hope you all enjoyed it even a little bit.

Onto the next dramatic roller-coaster created by my fucked up brain haha

With k̶i̶n̶ love, wetandgushy32.