Quest : Steal Food from Bakery

A Goblin’s primary motivation might be just food, but there’s nothing wrong with that!

Gain ??? EXP. Objective. Get inside the bakery and steal whatever you can. Alternative Quest Name: Minor Theft of Baked Goods!

We wait FOREVER! The human keeps adding white stuff to the barrel as he works. Twisting and lifting, then pounding, only to repeat the process over and over again. We watch patiently, or impatiently in Spoon’s case, as he repeats his steps over and over again until finally he gets up and leaves, no doubt exhausted as he puts his hand on his back while he limps out the kitchen door.

Dagger wants to find a way in immediately, but I want to be sure. Like a Raider, I have Dagger and Spoon be lookouts, heading to one of the four corners of this giant shed. We don’t cover the corner not facing the street and on the same side as the trash bin. It is an honest bet that the large human would prefer the light of the city streets over the narrow and dark alleyways. And even if he takes the alleyway, I should be able to see him.

It is Dagger who calls out that the human is leaving his corner that overlooks the wide streets, followed by a slam of a door. Dagger excitedly follows the human until he nearly bumps into me as the human whistles down the street, no doubt happy to be done with his manual labor. So I turn to Dagger and smile.

This is it!

Excitement bubbles up from my gut and shakes my bones. Stealing in a human city! In their village, made of stone! Nothing can possibly mess this up!

Until I see Spoon climbing up on the chimney and dropping down.

For a moment, there is stunned silence before being interrupted by a piercing scream.

“IT’S HOT! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT-”

Spoon has taken 1 damage from Chimney Fire.

Spoon has taken 1 damage from Chimney Fire

Spoon has taken 1 damage from Chimney Fire.

Spoon has taken 1 damage from Chimney Fire.

Spoon has taken 1 damage from Chimney Fire.

“-SPARK BOOM SPARK BOOM!”

Spoon has taken 1 damage from Improper Chimney Fire

Spoon has taken 1 damage from Improper Chimney Fire.

“WHY STILL HOT! FIRE SPREADING HELP HELP HELP!”

I can only sit and listen as the bakery is probably on fire now, with a goblin dancing in the flames. It is Dagger who acts. Acts. As in Dagger has a plan?!

“DAGGER, NO!”

But there is Dagger, faithful and dumb, taking off his shirt and the shirt underneath it, and the shirt underneath that before climbing up on the chimney and tossing the shirt down-

“Lookout below!” and then he jumps.

****

I come down the chimney some moments later. After the system stops chiming to notify me that my friends are hurting themselves. To Dagger’s credit, he does manage to stamp out the fire before it burns down the entire place. Unfortunately, the smell of refuse, baked goods, and burnt wood have mixed together to give the kitchen an unforgettable aroma.

Unforgettable, as in god awful. But not awful enough to prevent me from beelining toward the donuts, cakes, and other goodies I don’t even have names for, as Spoon and Dagger, whose green skins and layered clothes are covered in a layer of soot, are already making short work of anything tasty they can find. Shoving their faces as if they’ve never eaten before.

Each time they eat, the system chimes to announce they’ve gained EXP leaving me slightly confused.

Why does eating donuts give us EXP?

The confusion builds until I feel a headache, but Dagger shoves a donut, chocolate covered with sprinkles, in my face, and I immediately lose track of any complicated thoughts. The donut is DELICIOUS! It is sugar meets bread meets happiness and joy and chocolate… the CHOCOLATE. OH MY YEEZUS! Pure ecstasy hits the roots of my teeth and down the surface of every bud on my tongue. I am melting in sugar I didn’t have proper words for. This was heaven. And I gorged.

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained 1 EXP

Rocky Party has Gained-

We are crying together as we shove sugary food down our throats! Spoon starts opening jars and drinking their contents, passing them down if she likes them or tossing them over her shoulder if she doesn’t. Strangely enough no EXP for drinking… but WHO CARES!

Eat, eat, eat!

And then we pass out.

…

….

…..

“Hey, when did you think the human will show up?”

I look at Dagger, who has asked a surprisingly smart question while covered in white powder and crumbs. To be honest, I get up slowly, my belly full and the kitchen trashed. Like completely destroyed, everything tossed over in the search for food, more goodies, more bread, more everything. It is chaos in here. And not at all sneaky.

Fuck.

But we’re still alive, the pink apron human… not sure when he’ll come, but it shouldn’t be soon. We weren’t asleep that long… weren’t we?

Ok, that statement should produce anxiety, but it doesn’t. This is the first time I’ve ever been full. Not slightly less hungry. Not adequately fed. Full. Round belly and all. I never thought I could feel this… heavy? I thought this was what Chiefs felt like. Or humans. Or dwarves who are also round. Maybe not elves. But never Goblin. Especially not Raiders!

A good day was getting one chicken back to camp. One. For 45 goblins, not including the elders, the youngins, or the Chief. But today was more than a good day. It was 100 good days, all crammed into one fat hour. It was history!

The great Goblin feast, not seen since the days of Goblin Supremacy! Not seen since the days when all the tribes were as one under Gabo Mountain, and we swept the land clean of everything not nailed down! And the humans feared us, taking babes and children off to the night to meet our fires!

This is what being a Goblin is all about! And Dagger farts in agreement.

“Hey Rock, check this out!”

I turn to where Spoon’s voice comes from, and though I don’t feel like moving, I know I have to get up eventually. So I climb to my feet and waddle over to her, my legs somehow forgetting how to walk after the nap I took.

Her eyes glow with power as she stands over the wooden barrel the human was working on the night before. The glow is her excitement; going by the yellow cream on her lips, she discovered something new.

“What is that?”

“I don’t know!” She beams, then grabs my hand. “Just stick your hand inside there!”

I do what I am told and feel something hard but a little mushy beneath. Also, my hand is nowhere near the bottom of the barrel, so whatever it is, there is a lot.

“I think the human call it a ‘butta churn’” Spoon still beams, and now I see she’s not just excited, but full of pride, all big-headed and stuff.

And now I have to see if I can blame her! So I put the yellow stuff in my mouth and instinctively suck on it-

I look at Spoon, then back at the barrel, and then at Spoon. A smile splits my lips as she starts nodding. That is good. That is REALLY good. Not sugary at all, just… something else I don’t have a word for. And a little salty but not enough to BE the flavor. Just what it is along with… oh god, what is this?!

“How you know it’s called a butta churn!?”

Her smile is as big as a half moon and then some. “It says right here-” Spoon points at the side of the barrel, “Butta churn.”

I’m astonished. “You can read?”

“Of course! When raiders don’t burn books for stupid fires, we teach ourselves. I can read Goblin, Human, Elf and Dwarf, and a little Orc.”

That last part didn’t sound right, “Orcs write books!”

She shrugs, “Why not? They’re not stupid, they just learn letters differently… and have less use for them…”

“Wow.” Dagger chimes in before sticking his hand in the butta barrel. I watch him intently, and I feel Spoon doing the same. For a moment, nothing happens, and then Dagger explodes.

“WHAT IS THAT!”

“Butta!” we both say in unison before giggling.

Nothing could ruin this moment! Nothing at all except the sound of a door slamming.