y/n: your name

u/n: user name

tws: swearing

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y/n's pov *

i stood with my forehead resting against my bedroom door, watching the shadow of footsteps on the other side pause only for a moment. i thought that, in the stillness, i might hear a knock or the doorknob might just turn as clay let himself in, but instead the shoes— which i knew were those stupid dusty black nike's— only up and walked away. i listened as they pitter-pattered down the hallway and stepped out of the house, and even after i heard the front door close i could feel the cold draft that had been let in seep into my room for minutes to come. i didn't even notice the goosebumps pricking on my arms.

i slouched to the floor in a heap and rested my cheek against my knees.

"i think about how i wanted to kiss you."

i thought i had had it right only minutes before everything got turned on it's head. i had really believed he had said that about me. but as i had walked into the living room with a confession balancing on the tip of my tongue, i had been met with the biggest backhand ever, and realized i was oh so wrong.

clay had been talking about naomi.

i stayed in that spot in front of my door for god knows how long, trying but failing to hold back tears as emotion after emotion swelled in my chest until i couldn't bottle them up anymore. the tears that fell stained my jeans even as i tried so desperately to wipe them away, instead only staining my shaking and clammy hands in a blanket of sparkling drops.

"y/n?" a small voice asked, followed by two soft knocks on my door.

panic shocked my body, and i covered my mouth and nose, shoulders shaking as each contained sob racked my body with another hiccup.

i couldn't let anyone see me like this, especially not someone who was dating the guy i liked, and especially not someone who i considered to be my best friend.

the shadow of naomi's shoes idled outside, shuffling in place out of nervousness or restlessness i wasn't sure. after a long minute of silence she sighed and inhaled sharply— the faintest sound of a sniffle coming through the barrier that was my bedroom door— until she walked away just as clay had before.

when i was sure that she was long down the hallway, i sighed shakily and let my hand slide down my face and back to my lap, tears smearing across my reddened cheeks.

and that was how i stayed. frozen.

i didn't realize how long i had been sitting in front of my door until my eyelids started to feel heavy with tiredness alongside the tears. i didn't have the motivation to drag myself to my bed, so i just let myself fall asleep in the same sad spot i had been stuck in for what felt like forever.

i wished for the sweet release of a dreamless sleep— one not filled with the thoughts or emotions that were running through my head now— but the universe was unkind and couldn't even spare me that much mercy.

i stirred relentlessly for hours and hours as the night only brought me dreams of clay and his stupid lopsided grin, and paint splatter freckles, and tea kettle laugh, and a romance with him that never was.

...

i woke up on my side, arm numb from resting on top of it for too long.

the early morning sun barely peeked through my window, the light not quite bright enough to fully break through the grey clouds that were blotting out the blue sky. and, as if it was still the middle of the night, the birds had yet to rise from their nests and the crickets were still chirping their tune of the stars.

it was as if the day was refusing to start.

i rose from where i was curled up on the floor and stretched my back, joints popping as the stiffness slowly worked its way from my body. i felt jet lagged but without the joy of travel.

i pressed my ear to my door and listened for noise outside of it, and when i was met with nothing but the quiet of a still house, i assumed everyone was asleep in their beds and slowly stepped out into the hallway.

the floorboards creaked as my socks slid against the wood, and i rounded the corner without really paying attention, only letting the emotions from the prior day slowly return in a sagging weight of poor posture.

i felt like a mess.

my eyes were crusted at the corners with tears and eyeliner, and my lips were chapped from chewing them so much, bright red where blood had been drawn. the house was warm and yet my body still felt cold, and each footstep forward made my hips hurt because of how i had sat bunched up on the ground for so many hours. in a way i knew that it wouldn't have been any better if i had laid in bed instead, because then i knew i wouldn't have gotten out of it.

"y/n?"

i jolted at the break of silence and lifted my head. in the dimness of the morning light, nick and george were huddled around one phone at the countertop. naomi closed the fridge as i entered the kitchen and stood frozen as she stared at me. i turned away from her and wiped my smudged eyeliner to hide the fact that i had cried last night. that and i couldn't stand her gaze, for i could vaguely see my reflection in her almost-black pupils and it only reminded me just how far gone i looked.

"what are you guys doing awake?" i asked, clearing my throat. i hesitated, but continued with the question that was on my mind anyway. "where's clay?"

the boys shared a glance and looked back at the screen without answering.

"guys?"

"he.. didn't come home last night," nick said after a moment, "and he's not answering his phone."

"oh." i leaned my elbows against the counter and absentmindedly started chewing at the edge of my nail. "i didn't even know he left."

"he said he was just going out to get some air, but.. nothing about staying out. nothing like.. this." naomi spoke up, slouching against the counter next to me. she glanced at my hand and gently pulled my wrist away so i would stop chewing at my nails— the softest and most brief touch from her nimble hands grazing my picked skin.

i offered her a small smile at the simple gesture, though i still didn't want to meet her eyes. "do you think he's okay? i mean.. what could have happened to him?"

"car accident."

"george!" naomi scolded.

"what! clay doesn't drive safe all the time, you know that. especially not when he's.. distressed." he glanced between me and naomi and then reluctantly sighed. "i didn't mean to be pessimistic though. i'm just worried about him."

"it's okay george," i said flatly, running my hands through my hair. i hated that i knew george wasn't wrong.

"i don't know," nick exasperated, setting his phone face-down on the countertop, "i hope he's not doing something stupid."

"too late for that," naomi grumbled quietly. she glanced at me for a brief moment before looking at her hands.

"well, there's nothing we can do about it now. i'm gonna take a shower and try to shake this off."

"ha, not if i get there first," george smirked, tentatively rising from his barstool.

"dude, no! you always use all the hot water." nick braced his hands against the countertop as he waited for george to move first. he knew him too well.

the brit made like he was going to sit down again and then made a beeline for their shared bathroom, bumping shoulders with the texan as they both sprinted forward and tried to cram up the stairwell together.

as their laughter faded down the second floor hallway, the kitchen felt emptier, as if the brightness had been sucked out of it.

"do the boys know that you and clay... do they know that that's why..." i spoke up finally, my voice trailing off.

"not yet i don't think," naomi said.

i nodded once and found my lip was starting to curl beneath my teeth again, sore from the blistering. it was a bad habit.

"can we talk?" naomi spoke up.

i tensed at the question.

i didn't want to talk. there wasn't anything to talk about. well, there was, but i didn't want to think about it more than i had to.

"later?" i answered, and i couldn't quite tell if it was the truth yet.

"i think i can do later," she smiled sadly.

the room sunk into silence again.

i hated it.

i wanted to go back in time to when there wasn't this awkwardness between us— back in time to before naomi had kissed clay so i could have avoided the scene altogether— but i was stuck in the present, and the present sucked a whole lot as of right now.

"i'm gonna go stream," i blurted, clapping my hands against the countertop as i pushed off towards my room.

"are you sure? are you okay to—"

"yep."

she hesitated, but spoke up again. "y/n, i know you're upset right now, but you can't run from everything."

"i'm not running."

"then will you talk to me? please?"

"there's nothing to talk about! it's fine, naomi! i just.. i just thought things were different, that's all."

very different.

"i think about how i wanted to kiss you."

would that stupid memory stop playing in my head!

"things?" naomi repeated, "y/n, i don't know what you think is going on, but—"

"look, i can't talk about this right now! i'm sorry!" i said, my voice cracking into a near-yell as the burn of last night's tears threatened to resurface. i lingered in the hallway for a moment more, her shell shocked expression at my outburst making guilt knot in my chest, but i pushed it away like i was pushing everything else away and shut my door behind me, clicking the lock shut.

i sat down in my desk chair and slipped my headphones on, turning up whatever song came on first to max volume as i clicked "go live" and put on a mask that said "everything is okay, i am okay," because maybe if i faked it for long enough it would be true.

but maybe that was a bit too optimistic for right now.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

clay's pov *

u/n is live!

click this button or you're not cool like me

i set my fork down as my phone buzzed and peeked at the notification that had surfaced. well, that one and the wall of texts and calls from my friends that i didn't want to read.

i just wanted to pretend that everything was okay for one freaking minute, which was getting kind of hard to do the more i put confrontation off.

"who was that clay?" mom asked, interrupting the story she was telling with the question.

i swallowed my bite of food and flipped my phone over. "nobody. just.. twitch."

she hummed once. "how's living with nick and george been? and y/n too, sorry. you always talk about her."

"yeah he does," my sister added, nudging my shoulder.

i smiled briefly and twirled my fork through the noodles on my plate. "it's.. uh.. it's been good. really good."

"what about naomi? is it weird living with your ex again?"

the kiss. it was unexpected, really, to feel so close to someone i used to love, or at least got as close to loving as i ever had.

i swallowed hard. "no. it's been fine. we're cool."

"... cool beans?"

mom set her fork down on her plate with a loud clink. "hon, what's wrong? you're not acting like yourself."

"nothing's wrong. i'm just.. tired."

she narrowed her eyes. "you know you have a tell when you lie, right? you wring your hands together."

i looked down at my interlaced fingers and frowned. she knew me too well to ignore how i was acting. i sighed. "i.. i don't know."

she laid her hands across her lap as she watched the gears in my head turn trying to come up with what to say.

"what would you do..." i paused, gathering my words, "what would you do if you messed up with the person you haven't told you like yet?"

"that's totally non-specific," my sister said sarcastically, and i glared at her.

"i would apologize and then.. just.. go for it," mom said, ignoring my sister.

"but what if i make it worse?" i countered.

"if this person is someone that you matter to, then they'll forgive you. and you don't have to make the lucky girl anonymous. i know you're talking about y/n." she paused. "unless i'm missing something and you're talking about george—"

"no!" i laughed, "i'm not talking about george. and i think he's seeing someone by the way."

"really? good for him."

i nodded, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips as i thought about my friends. i picked up a stack of dirty plates and starting cleaning up the dinner table. "thanks for the advice mom. i'll.. think about it."

"might take a while cause you're brain is so small," my sister teased, pushing her chair under the table.

"okay, what's with you? you're just asking for it now," i laughed, and tackled her around the waist, picking her up and spinning her in a big circle.

"clay! clay stop!" she giggled, slapping my arms in protest, "i'm gonna puke on you if you keep this up! stop it!"

"okay, okay!" i set her down and flicked her forehead. "grow your brain before you come for me, hypocrite."

"whatever," she laughed. "do you want to play minecraft before bed? can i destroy you in pvp? also how long are you staying?"

"i don't know and.. another night. i've got something to do."

"another night huh? so that means you're staying?"

"yeah, yeah. at least for a bit."

"sweet. alright, go do your boring 'something.' i'll just be cool and awesome all by myself, it's fine."

i shook my head with a laugh and finished cleaning up the dishes. even though i visited my family often, this time felt weirdly nostalgic. the long drive by myself, the girl problems, the lingering heartbreak, and the running from confrontation was all very reminiscent of my teenage years, and i wasn't sure if that was a bad thing. the last time i had visited my family like this i had been upset over naomi breaking up with me, and now this time i was upset over her kissing me. well, i was mostly upset over the fact that i had given in for that split second, because after all her lips were familiar and reminded me of a time that had once been sweet.

i think that now more than ever i understood why naomi and i broke up, and it all tied back to that silly philosophy she had told me about one too-late night with drowsiness on our brains— one too-late night the summer of our senior year when we were both trying to make the most before college parted the distance between us.

"it's all about the spark," she explained, plucking a blade of grass from the dirt and sprinkling it on my shirt.

"the spark huh?" i twisted the stem of a dandelion puff in my hands and then blew hard, scattering the petals all over her jeans.

she sneezed aggressively— low and deep and devoid of any "cute sneeze" stereotype you might expect from her— and rubbed her now red nose with a grimace. "hey, no, asshole. do that again and watch me revoke our spark right here, right now."

"oh?" i said, perking up, "did i hear that right? did you say our spark? do you think we have a spark?"

she froze, her smile coy. "hm. i mean maybe. i'd be willing to consider it."

i wiggled my eyebrows up and down.

"oh, stop it. you're such an idiot."

"an idiot you have a spark with."

she tried to hide her smile, her lips just barely quirking at the corners.

i laid back against the grass again, content with the comfortable silence of the empty park. but, unfortunately, the silence was blissful only for a moment, and thunder rumbled in the distance, the dark night sky momentarily lit with a flash.

we shared a wordless wide-eyed glance.

naomi spoke up first. "well, if we don't have a spark now, we're about to get a really big fucking one."

"let's get out of here," i laughed, hopping to my feet and offering her my hand, stained green with wet grass. she laced it with hers without hesitation.

the rain refused to hold off for us, and the downpour came hard and fast, soaking us to the bone in a cold shiver of summer showers. we laughed the whole way, splashing through puddles and sliding through mud like we were young all over again. and that was the goal wasn't it? be a kid for as long as we could before school and work whisked us away?

naomi jumped in the passenger seat of the car and i dove in the driver's, wringing the end of my shirt of waterfall after waterfall of soaked-in rain.

"the universe sucks!" she yelled, laughing as she smoothed and then tucked her hair behind her ears. she slouched back in her seat after she was content with her appearance and turned to me, that playful smile on her lips again.

there were unspoken words communicated between us just from the look, and she leaned over and pecked my cheek. "floor it. we're speeding through puddles on the side of the road."

"free car wash!" i cheered, not caring how dumb i sounded because it was literally four in the morning and i was rotted with delirium.

"free car wash," naomi repeated, equally careless.

and i did just as she suggested, and i floored it, peeling out of the parking lot and splashing waves up the sides of my car, laughs drowned out by hard rain and distant thunder.

i wiped my hands on the dish towel slung over the sink as i let the memory play to completion. it was bittersweet in a way, like i hadn't quite reopened an old would but was instead just brushing my fingers over a healed scar. naomi and i dated for two more months after that, and then she went to college and i got caught up with youtube. that had been the "excuse," if you will, to why things had ended, but the truth was we hadn't really been in it to begin with. maybe we really did have summer love, even though our relationship stretched for an entire year of high-school and then some. it was fleeting regardless. sweet, but not forever. and that spark naomi had talked about hadn't existed, the only thing close being that honeymoon phase of being a teenager with a girlfriend.

i didn't think that made our time together meaningless, no, but i didn't think it was worth dwelling on in the present, because in the end we both knew that we just worked better as friends. it had always been sort of like that with her, but i don't think either of us ever understood love enough to realize it. we were just high off the ecstasy of actually having someone to call our valentine. sometimes love like that is okay though. hell, it's encouraged. because it's that kind of love and those kinds of good memories that you're reminded of when you're met with a sleazy guy trying to take you out or a girl that rocks your whole fucking world. and i think naomi and i had both found those, the latter being my luck of the draw.

and god was it a lucky draw.

i wished my family a good night and sulked off to my bedroom to bury myself deep in the comforting hug of my blankets. my phone screen was bright in the pitch darkness, but i scrolled across my homepage and opened twitch, tuning into y/n's stream. she had been live for hours, which was.. unexpected, to say the least. she had seemed upset when i had left, but maybe i had read the situation wrong.