《Call Me Blade✔》Thirteen: Itch
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Staying away from Dustin proves to be harder than I thought. He is like an itch that won't go away. Annoying, but irresistible to scratch.
Even after I close myself off and completely ignoring him when he speaks to me, he still shows up to my place of work and specifically requests for me when Emily is the more capable one to help him.
He just doesn't give up.
I keep fighting the feeling that tries to claw its way from within me. It takes a lot of effort to feel nothing. Especially when I have so much to feel.
"Have you seen the new Marvel movie?" Dustin asks as he walks with me through the doors of our high school as if we're friends. I don't acknowledge the question and keep my pace, trying not to overthink the stares and whispers.
He grins, seeming fuelled by my insistence to ignore him. "Well let me tell you about it." And he does. In detail. Rounded out, long detail. It's as if I was there with him.
He is stubborn.
But so am I.
He is better off without me. The sooner he realizes that the better. I'm no good. Life has made a point to remind me of that everyday.
He walks next to me. And whistles. Whistles. It's barely even 8 a.m and he is as joyful as the sunlight on a spring day. It's infuriating.
One of the cons of being mute is that I can't tell people to leave me alone. I just have to let them bother me and drag myself through it.
I want to scream.
My dark moods do nothing to deter him and I hate it. It's sparking hope within me and that's the last thing I need. He doesn't care about me. He shouldn't.
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When the final bell rings, I rush out of the building, doing my best to avoid anyone who would bother me. I need a break. Dustin's persistence exhausted my social battery which isn't very long lasting to begin with.
I go to the park, unable to deal with Faith or Melissa so I take an hour for myself.
The park is nice. It is scarce of people which means people watching won't be as fun. The wind blows subtly, calming me down. I manage to stop my mind from spiralling into a deep hole of overthinking, relaxing just enough to not feel on edge.
I wish I could feel this little bit of peace more often.
****
Todd is over tonight. I hate when he's here since his presence makes me anxious. He is unpredictable and unpredictable scares me.
As usual, I am holed up in my room, working on homework while Faith plays next to me on the bed. She grabs for my notebook, tearing my paper before I could snatch it away.
I sigh deeply, frustrated that I'd have to rewrite the information on a new page. She keeps grabbing for stuff and I realize I won't get anywhere with her like this so I put my supplies away. Instead, I bring out some of her toys so we can play together, much to Faith's contentment.
"You fucking bitch!" I hear Todd shout from the other room. I tense at their shouting, wishing I can just disappear.
I never understood their relationship. They always end up fighting. I can't even imagine what they talk about when they aren't fighting or having sex. Drugs will make people put up with anything.
The harsh shouts soon turn to moans. I tune them out, focusing back on Faith who would need a bath before bed. I run the water, grateful the splashing blocks out the noises from the other room.
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Faith coos as I strip her out of her clothes. She loves bath time. I pour the warm water over her back, and she squeals delightfully. After she's washed and changed, her energy is basically gone, falling asleep moments later.
I rub her head gently, happy she is unaware of the toxic dynamic of her parents. That makes one of us. How I wish I could easily tune them out too.
The house is silent again. Todd and Melissa are probably higher than a kite. I hope it stays that way so I can sleep peacefully. It sucks when their fights wake me up in the middle of the night.
I turn off the light, laying in bed and falling asleep surprisingly quickly.
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