It was Friday evening and I was helping her pack some of her clothes for the time she was expecting to be back with her family. 

It really sucked, to. 

She threw her backpack over her shoulder, looking at me, and I suddenly felt the urge to kiss her. I could see it in her eyes that she was sad that she was leaving me behind, maybe even a little regret, but she wasn’t going back on it. 

She placed her hand on my knee as she sat down on my bed next to me, “It’ll be ok… hang out with Trevor. I just need to sort some things out, ok?”

I nodded timidly, even though I was insanely close to crying, “Okay.”

She stood, and I looked up, “Drive safe, text me when you get home.”

She smiled weakly, “I will.”

Then she was gone. 

I stared at her empty bed, wondering what I was going to do the days to come where I would have to room to myself. I would sleep alone, be alone when I came home, no one to comfort me when I screamed at night from the horrid reoccurring nightmare. 

Then the door swung open, Devon walking in and I stood, “Forgot something?”

She didn’t answer, her hands just wrapped immediately around my neck, and I pulled her into me. I don’t know why she hugged me, and I don’t know why she was crying… but I was hoping it was for a good reason.

That she would miss me. 

She pulled back, “I’m sorry… I just, please be here when I get back.”

I smiled weakly, “Of course.”

Then she turned, and headed back out the door. 

Not returning this time. 

***

It was Saturday night, I wanted to call Devon but I figured it was to early. She declared she wanted space, time to sort out her feelings… so I would let her. 

Did that consist of me not talking to her in class when I saw her? No texting? Nothing?

I ran my hand through my wet hair, feeling the warm water run down my face, cleaning away my tears. 

I missed her already, and it had only been a single day. 

What did she have to figure out? Her feelings? Her loneliness that I could obviously not fill? When was she going to come back?

Thanksgiving vacation was coming up in a week… would I not be able to see her then to?

I heard the door open, and I already knew who it was, but for some reason my heart fluttered… 

Because I thought it was Devon. 

I started to finish up in the shower and dry myself off, then her voice rang out, “Devon left?”

I clenched my jaw, feeling the stinging pain return in my heart, I swallowed hard, “Y-Yea…”

Samantha moved around in the other stall, and I knew she was out waiting for me to exit. I pulled on my pajamas and walked out, she was standing there looking at me, “Why?”

I shrugged, “She’s depressed.”

Samantha’s hand found my shoulder, she looked like she really had sympathy in her eyes… but maybe it was all a front. 

Maybe she was just trying to get into my bed. 

“How long is she gonna be gone?”

I shrugged once more, “However long she needs I guess…”

I threw my shower bag over my shoulder, giving Samantha the hint that I wanted to leave now, she backed away. “It’ll be ok, Amanda.”

I nodded solemnly and walked out, heading down the hall to my room, opening the door and hitting Devon’s bed. I didn’t mean to crash onto her bed, but what did I have to lose? She wasn’t here, and I felt this pain in my heart so deep that I thought I was going to puke. 

I pulled the covers up to my nose, God it smelt like her. 

Why did I love her? Why did it hurt so damn bad? Why did she leave? Why was she depressed? Why did her mood affect mine, anyway?

I felt the tears silently fall onto her pillow and I wiped them away but it was no use, they weren’t going to stop anytime soon. 

Why did I love her so suddenly, that dreadful day when I saw her… when it hit me like a crane. 

I couldn’t understand it, but I wanted to… I wanted to know why all of a sudden. Why when I met her I felt like I knew everything about her… that I had loved her for years… that she meant so much to me. 

When I didn’t know anything but her name.

It didn’t make sense… at all. 

~O~O~O~O~

I was walking, alone, down a dark path… where was I anyway?

I heard her voice, no… it wasn’t her voice… it was Devon…

She was crying. 

I ran, looking frantically for her… for her presence… where was she?

I saw her, she was kneeling… what was she looking at?

I walked slowly up to her, I went to touch her but my hand went right through her… Was I dead? I felt the pain in my heart, I couldn’t see her face… 

I looked over her shoulder, seeing the reason she was crying…

Rachel’s body was lying there, still, motionless in front of us. 

She was dead. 

I felt the lump in my throat grow, her pale, lifeless body laying there under Devon’s hands. 

There was blood on Devon’s hands, she was shaking her head vigorously, screaming, “No… No! Don’t die! Please! Don’t do this!”

I felt the tears roll, I mumbled, “Devon… stop… she’s gone…”

She refused to hear me, like I wasn’t even here… Was she ignoring me? She moaned, “No… please… please wake up…”

I started to get furious, seeing her like this… it was hurting me… I cried, “Devon please! Stop! She’s gone!”

Then Devon turned, her eyes burning into mine, the pain… God the tears… her eyes were bloodshot. She screamed, “Why did you have to die! Why did you go, Rachel!? Why did you leave me?!”

~O~O~O~O~

I shot up, feeling the sweat on my forehead…

What the fuck…

I climbed out of the bed, going to the little bathroom that we had and throwing more water onto my face, reminding me of the time I passed out. I looked into the mirror, no, I still looked like myself…

Well, more or less…

What the fuck was wrong with me? Why did Devon call me Rachel in my dream? What was really going on…?

I collapsed onto Devon’s bed again, I felt the pain in my heart return from Devon’s absence. Why did she have to leave me? Why did she do this to me? Why did she have to be so loveable?

How was I going to do this? Keep the distance thing up? When it had only been a day and I feel like I’m dying on the inside already? There was just no way… no way in hell I was going to be able to do this… 

But then again… it could always get better.

Right?