《Dying to be thin》Chapter 18

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After a month of being in hospital, I had gained 26lbs and had consistent counseling sessions. The psychiatric nurse diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. I was beginning to feel better in and about myself however, I could still hear the voices telling me to purge and to not eat. I wanted to tell Rebecca, my councillor but I felt stupid. I am the person who controls what goes on in my head, why couldn't I get the voices out? I was walking to the door of Rebecca's office five minutes too early, I was about ten footsteps away before I saw the door open, I heard a laugh that sounded familiar. Mason? Why was he in Rebecca's office? He didn't need counseling...did he? He turned his head and shut the door behind him, his facial expression dropped as he noticed me standing there.

"What are you doing here?" I asked politely?

"Well...I...um, can we talk about this somewhere more private? I've been meaning to tell you for a long time but I didn't know when was the right time." He spoke nervously.

"Su-" I began to say until I was interrupted by Rebecca.

"Lauren, are you ready?" she asked.

"I'll see you later won't I?" I asked Mason.

"Of course, see you later babe." he said whilst kissing me on the cheek.

I walked into the office and sat down like I did every time. "Lauren, I think it's time that you explain to me what you feel so I'm able to make sure your diagnosis is correct. Do you think you can do it?" I had to do it, not just for me but for Mason. He wants me to get better so I'm determined to.

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"It made me feel powerful at first. There's no doubt about it and it gave me the sense that I was more in control. When you can control what you eat, it feels like you have more control over everything.

But then one day, you cease to have control over it. You cease to feel powerful. You become controlled by it. It's power grows over you until you have no way to fight it. That's when desperation sets in. The weight loss no longer feels good. Like drugs, you strive for that feeling you once had. You get desperate - you'll do anything, and I mean anything, to have that feeling back. And then you get really sick.

Eventually you get to a point where you want to stop. But you can't. It has such control over you. You have no way out. You're constantly depressed. You're anxious any time you eat. You're desperate for control. But you have none. Everything is black. You don't enjoy anything, and you feel like you'll never enjoy anything again. The thought of eating is disgusting. The thought of what will happen if you eat is horrible. And you have no control over any of it.

It's a downward spiral into a pit of oblivion. There is nothing good down there, no matter how good it looks to you right now. It always ends with you feeling worse than you ever have...all because of something that made you feel so good in the beginning."

I have never said something so accurate. The tears were streaming down my face. This is the first time I'd spoke to someone about how the disease made me feel and how it made me deteriorate over time just to be this idea of 'perfect'

Rebecca let me leave earlier than I was supposed to because I had faced not keeping the disease a secret anymore. I had suffered with this for too long and I wasn't letting it get to me any more. I could finally see what was up with Mason, he needs me as much as I need him.

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