Kuroo Tetsuro & Akaashi Keiji

(One-sided) Bokuaka (Bokuto x Akaashi)

SH / Suicidal thoughts / Angst

Akaashi's 2nd year / Kuroo's 3rd year

This is actually me venting lmao (I'm an Akaashi kinnie, is it obvious?)

hey kuroo-san

can we talk for a bit?

sure kaashi, what's up?

so... y'know that i have a crush on bokuto-san, right?

yes?

well we were hanging out today

and he was going to show sth in our chat

and i happened to glance at it

to see that he hasn't saved me in his contacts

what?

i'm sure you're mistaken

you two are rlly close

i saw my picture

and i know what we had written in the chat..

so i know that it was ours.

maybe his phone changed?

we both know it's not some technical issue

i'm really sorry, akaashi..

i just

i don't understand

ik that he doesn't fucking like me back but i thought we were friends, y'know?

was i wrong to assume so?

am i not worth his friendship?

i tried to help him through his tough times

i tried to be there for him when he needed someone

i didn't expect anything in return but..

i thought that he at least saw me as his friend..

guess not lmao

ik u don't like talking about stuff like this but i'm sure you'll feel better if you vent a bit

are you ok with that?

ofc :)

kuroo-san, am i just some piece of paper?

am i just some THING to write their troubles on and then just throw away?

every time i try to do smth nice for him, he acts like i'm SUPPOSED to do so, as if that's my fucking job.

i don't know how to express my emotions bcs i lock them up

why is that?

it's my brain trying to protect me from emotional damage

tbh every friend i've had up until this day has used me

whether i like to admit it or not..

that was why i had pushed everyone away from me in the last year of middle school..

bcs if people think i wasn't approachable, they wouldn't want to be friends with me

and i thought that was better than ur friends leaving u

and if i didn't have any friends, i also wouldn't have anyone to judge me

or use me

i'm so sorry that happened to you keiji

you don't deserve that

well, bcs of that self-defense mechanism, people think that i'm a robot, that i don't have any feelings.

but not showing my emotions does NOT mean that i don't fucking feel anything

I'M STILL A FUCKING HUMAN BEING

fucking hell, a "friend" of mine even came up to me today and told me that i could be in a relationship if i had some emotions

that's horrible, keiji..

do you want me to deal with them?

no, it's fine..

he was right, anyways

no, he was not.

you do have emotions, beautiful ones at that

i don't deserve bokuto's love..

i don't deserve anyone's love tbh

i should just stick to keeping everything to myself

and just be a fucking robot ig

i don't think it'll be hard

since everyone seems to ALREADY FUCKING THINK SO

but that'll make you sick

i'm already sick, kuroo-san..

i sometimes imagine what it would feel like...

being dead, i mean

keiji. please don't.

nobody would miss me..

I WOULD

keiji please

it hurts so fucking much, kuroo-san.

not only bcs of bokuto-san

but it's the pressure of being "the perfect child"

i'm burnt out but my parents have no idea bcs i'm so desperate of their praise that i overwork my body to get good grades..

sometimes i'd get so tired of studying that i'd have to punish my body

for not obeying my mind

for not being durable

for not being ENOUGH

do you.. still do it?

self-harm?

no, i don't.

you have too much on your shoulders, keiji..

sometimes you need to lay off of work and just take a break

but i won't be worthy of anything if i do so

i need to work and get good grades to make my parents proud

kuroo-san, you don't understand, i'm living off of my parents' praise

i can't handle the disappointment on their faces when they see i have gotten a B

they don't say anything but it's so evident in their eyes that it burns my heart..

i don't think i want to do this anymore..

this?

live..