In a way, high school turns out to be a relief for Winter. Yeah, she can feel the social pressure to look presentable at all times, and there's a lot of homework that makes her wish she hadn't chosen some of the harder courses at the start of this year, but there are also a lot of people that aren't Karina.

Not going to school with Karina anymore is actually one of the most freeing things that have ever happened to Winter. Sometimes she can go days without feeling that familiar tugging in her chest, and sometimes she almost forgets how much it hurts. It makes it easier to take her mind off the way her heart still breaks every time she sees Karina from her bedroom window.

She feels free.

Winter hates thinking about Karina like she's a prison, but being in love with her isn't like it used to be. Now, more than ever, she just feels her body ache for everything she can't have, and she's not sure that will ever change. Not unless Karina does, too.

*

She meets Ningning at softball tryouts. They're the only freshmen and everyone else seems to know each other so they don't really have a choice but to stick together. They stretch side by side, talking about how they're enjoying high school so far.

Winter feels a lot lighter talking to Ningning than talking to anyone she already knows. Part of the reason is that Ningning doesn't know Karina, but it's also because she's just a really nice person.

"I was born in Paris," she says in unaccented English. "I lived there until I was 13. That's why I can speak French."

Winter smiles. "My mom spoke Thai with me growing up, so sometimes I forget a word in English but I'll know it in Thai and it's so frustrating."

Ningning's eyes widen. "I'm the same with French. Does that thing happen to you, like when you're angry, and suddenly you're using two languages at the same time and no one takes you seriously because of it?"

"All the time," Winter cries out, a little too loud. She clasps her hand over her mouth to stifle her laugh at the looks people throw them, and when she looks up Ningning is mirroring her. Her eyes are lit up with silly joy and it feels really great.

It's just that even though she made Yeji smile just this morning, Winter can't disassociate her from Karina. It's like Karina is the shadow of something missing every time she and Yeji are hanging out. With Ningning, though, there's nothing there. She's just a new person without painful memories attached to them, and Winter happens to be in desperate need of someone like that.

So she sticks to Ningning's side while they run laps to show their stamina, and while they throw balls to prove they can actually throw a ball without hurting someone. They work together when they're put on the same team for a practice game, and it ends up going so well the coach actually compliments them on their teamwork.

For the first time in a long time Winter throws her arms around someone and doesn't wish it was Karina.

After tryouts, Winter takes a moment to catch her breath and put her hair up to try and cool off, putting her things in her bag and slinging it over her shoulder. Yeji has cheerleading tryouts in a few minutes, and she promised to come watch on the bleachers for moral support.

She spins around to look for Ningning, spotting her a few yards over. She's talking to a girl with long blue hair and a basket of softball gloves under her arm that looks way cooler than Winter and Ningning's combined.

Winter watches them talk for a moment, her phone burning in her hand as a reminder of how little time she has until Yeji's tryouts start. Part of her wants to wait for Ningning to see if she's up for watching Yeji with her, part of her doesn't want to be late. She never really understood the appeal of dancing around in miniskirts, but Yeji seemed to be excited about it, and Yeji's her best friend.

Her thoughts seem to pause there, because-that used to be Karina. No matter how much it hurt, if someone asked her about her best friend she'd always name Karina. But now it's Yeji, and in some fucked up kind of way that really sucks.

But Yeji's great, and she hasn't been in love with Yeji since she was six years old, so it's probably for the best.

Winter glances at her phone again. It's almost time for Yeji's tryout, and she still has to find the gymnasium. And yet she's standing here, staring at Ningning and the blue haired girl like some kind of creep. Perhaps it's better to just-

"Winter," Ningning says, jogging over to her. "Sorry, that took a little longer than I intended. Are you free to hang out?"

Winter frowns, starting to walk towards the school. "Not really. My friend is trying out for cheerleading in a few minutes."

"What about after that?"

"Uh-" Winter says, because she's not used to people she doesn't know wanting to hang out with her so badly they're willing to sit through a cheerleading tryout for it. "I guess? Unless Yeji wants to do something."

Ningning gives her a smile. "We can all do something together, if you're up for it. And if this Yeji chick is up for it, too."

"Yeji's a social butterfly. She'll be up for it." Winter holds open the main entrance door for Ningning to enter. "I don't know where the gymnasium is, though."

As the words leave her mouth, a group of girls in cheerleading outfits comes out of a classroom. Their skirts are shorter than Winter expected, and she mentally kicks herself for the way her mouth goes dry at the sight. When she looks up at Ningning, though, her eyes are glued to the skirts too. It makes her feel a little better for staring.

They decide to follow the cheerleaders without too much of a discussion, figuring they'll lead them to the gymnasium. When they enter the room, the tryouts are about to start, and they climb onto the bleachers as quietly as possible.

Winter searches the crowd of people down below, spotting Yeji almost immediately. She looks slightly nervous, though not as nervous as some of the other people. Winter waves until Yeji sees her.

Yeji smiles back at her, but before they can start a conversation through eye contact alone, the cheerleading coach is making everyone stand in a triangle to do a routine they had to memorize from a YouTube video.

"Do you think we made the team?" Ningning asks under her breath halfway into the routine.

Winter looks at her. "Coach told us we were doing well, right? I think that counts for something."

"I guess." Ningning pauses. "Gi said she was impressed, too."

"Gi?"

Ningning's eyes widen a little, her lips hinting at a smile. "Giselle. She's the girl I was talking to. She's a junior, and she's been on the team since her freshman year, too."

"The one with the blue hair?"

"Yep. She was really cool. Said she'd seen us play and that we reminded her of herself when she was first trying out," Ningning says, her eyes darting everywhere but Winter's face. She clears her throat and bites her lip, her cheeks turning a light pink color.

For a moment Winter stares at her blankly. Then she almost literally feels a lightbulb turn on in her head and she blurts out a soft, "Oh."

Ningning glances at her, and Winter gets the urge to be reassuring, somehow-to show Ningning that she's not one of those people. She's not about to do to Ningning what Ryujin did to her all those years ago. Even if she's wrong, even if Ningning didn't mean what she thought she meant, Winter is filled with the need to prove herself, somehow.

Her palms are still sweaty and she still feels like she's being put under the spotlight. She feels like anything she says now has the risk of exposing herself, and Ningning would just know that Winter gets it-in more ways than one.

"She seemed like a nice girl," is what she manages to say. It doesn't feel like enough, but Ningning nods, so Winter continues, "I liked her hair."

Ningning seems to relax next to her, and the smile she throws Winter's way seems relieved. "Yeah. It's pretty, right?"

Winter wants to agree. She wants to tell Ningning that Giselle seems nice and that she really did look pretty, and asks Ningning to tell her what it is about Giselle that is making her cheeks flush like that, but she can't.

She can't, because her chest feels tight with memories of how Karina used to make her smile the way Ningning was smiling just now, and that's still a secret she's holding close to her heart.

She can't, because the first routine has ended and Yeji is jumping and waving at her from the distance, and she takes the chance to wave back and point her out to Ningning.

Down below, the cheerleading coach is lining everyone up again, this time for what seems to be the individual routines. According to Yeji, who looked into this way more than Winter ever looked into softball tryouts, they each get a minute to do whatever they think will impress the coach and the cheerleading captain.

Winter knows what Yeji is going to do, because they spent four hours working on it two nights ago, and another three last night. And because she knows the routine by heart, she can't stop her mind from drifting off again.

She looks over at Ningning, suddenly worried about what impression she might have left on the girl for cutting off their conversation. But Ningning doesn't look particularly mad or sad or upset or anything, and even in the few hours that they've known each other Winter's learned Ningning is not the most subtle of people.

Ningning looks back at Winter, giving her a soft smile. Her eyes are kind and understanding, and Winter almost overanalyzes it, but then she recognizes Partition starting to blast through the speakers. She forces herself to watch Yeji do her routine and not think about whether Ningning knows that she knows-or thinks that she knows.

Not everyone is as paranoid as she is, nor are they as terrified of their feelings, she reminds herself. Not everyone had someone fuck things up for them. Not everyone is like Karina.

*

They make the team. Ningning drags her to the bulletin board during their lunch break a week after tryouts, and runs a finger along the list. Their names are right underneath each other's, and they can't stop from jumping in excitement, dancing around with their arms linked like they're twelve years old. Winter has to put effort into not squealing out of sheer happiness, and she's honestly not sure she succeeds.

Their happy dance is interrupted when Yeji runs over and tackles Winter into a hug, screaming something about needing a cheerleading outfit. Winter looks from Yeji to Ningning and back to Yeji, taking notice of how both their faces are lit up with smiles brighter than any she's seen from Karina in a long time, and it's so refreshing that she has to catch her breath.

Ningning's eyes smile at her, and Winter can't help but smile back.

*

She thinks it might be a crush, this jittery feeling she gets inside her chest every time she looks at Ningning. In a way it reminds her of the way she feels when she sees Karina, but it's not as bright and not nearly as complicated.

For a while she takes note of things she does that would classify this as a crush-staring, not-so-accidental touching, laughing a little too loud at Ningning's jokes. She's never had a crush before. With Karina it happened without her even realizing it, and one day she just knew she was in love with her.

She almost wants it to be a crush, even though Ningning likes Giselle. Even though Winter knows she's just setting herself up for more heartbreak. Even though her heart still jumps every time she sees Karina.

But one day after practice she and Ningning are hanging out on the bleachers while some of the other girls are still practicing their pitches, and Winter needs to pee. She wants Ningning to come along, but Giselle is among the girls on the field below and Ningning wants to watch, so she goes alone.

When she comes back she nearly trips over an abandoned softball glove in the middle of the field even though everything else is cleaned up and everyone is gone.

Everyone, except two people on the bleachers.

She is not sure what she expects when she's met with the sight of Ningning and Giselle making out. There's no twinges in her chest, no bitterness in her mouth-only the widening of her eyes and then, slowly, the ghost of a smile on her lips.

There's also this jittery feeling at the back of her mind that makes her nervously look around to make sure no one else is seeing them. She realizes with a start that she's letting that same old fear come back, the same one that always makes her keep her eyes stuck to the back of her locker when changing into her softball uniform.

She pushes away the tiny voice in the back of her mind that tells her something's going to go wrong. No one else is there, and Giselle is pulling Ningning closer, and Winter realizes, with a start, that she's happy for her friend.

She can't imagine being happy if she ever found Karina kissing someone else, so she picks up the abandoned glove from the ground and leaves to give them some privacy.

Her chest feels weird, because she can't fool herself into thinking she has a crush on Ningning anymore. And-that was the first time she'd seen two girls kissing for real, and so much about it makes her feel all sorts of tingly: how soft and easy it looked, for instance. How nothing had gone wrong

*

She gets used to it.

She never would've thought it to be possible, but Giselle and Ningning have been a thing now for a few weeks, and them being together has just become another normal fact about her life now.

Seeing Giselle hanging out beside Ningning's locker when she gets there is as expected to her now as how horrible the cafeteria chicken tastes when they have it on the menu for the second day in a row, or how gruesome softball practice will probably be when Coach is wearing sunglasses.

She's happy for them-for Ningning, especially, because the grin on her face when she's talking about her girlfriend makes Winter smile every time. But she's also happy for Giselle, who Winter now knows a lot better given how much time they spend together because of Ningning.

Granted, Winter is pretty sure Giselle wouldn't necessarily choose to have her always tagging along with her and Ningning during the day-she figures having a constant third wheel can be a bit of a damper. On the other hand, Winter's become acutely aware of how much more subtle two of them are with their affections when Winter's not with them in public.

They don't kiss in public, not really, and sometimes they don't hold hands when they're out on the streets. It's like Winter is their buffer-when she's with them it's safe to act a little more affectionate. When she's not, they're under the spotlight, and all their actions are being analyzed. So they play it safe. They keep their distance.

Winter doesn't think it's necessarily a decision as much as an instinct. Fight or flight. And, given the circumstances, it's usually flight.

It's always flight with Karina, and Winter is still getting used to it being different with Ningning and Giselle.

Because there's plenty of fight in them. There's fight in Giselle's eyes when they harden at someone snickering their way, or in the way Ningning tightens her grip on Giselle's hand when some jock bumps into them 'by accident'. There's fight in how, no matter what, they always part ways with a smile and a soft touch-even if just a brush of fingertips over the other's arm.

It kind of makes the will to fight bubble up inside Winter's chest, too.

*

She doesn't see Karina a lot now that they go to different schools, even though they're still neighbors and her bedroom window still faces Karina's like it always has. She sort of makes it a point not to stare and see if she catches any movement-she is trying to move on, after all.

But sometimes she sees Karina on the street in front of her house, or in her backyard, or through the window, and there's always this moment where she stops and stares and tries to see her. Like, figure out her thoughts and feelings and emotions and catch up on everything she's missed.

She hates not knowing what's going on in Karina's life anymore. She hates the fact that she still feels this way about the girl she hasn't really spoken to in months. She hates that, somehow, she hasn't been able to fully move on yet.

Because her heart still leaps when she gets home from school one day and Karina's on the front porch of her own house, fumbling with the keys. Her hair is longer, and even though she's facing away from Winter, it's pretty obvious she's frustrated.

Winter wants to say hi, to wave, to call out her name. But things have changed and she's not sure if any of that is okay anymore.

There's a tug in her chest when Karina finally opens the door and disappears inside that makes Winter realize she misses Karina more than anything else, even though she's right there. In theory she could throw all caution in the wind and knock on her door and talk to her about all the new music she's been listening to these past few months. In theory they don't have to stay in the past tense.

In practice, Winter tears her eyes away from Karina's house and pushes Karina to the back of her mind, telling herself the all too familiar lie that she's okay.

*

She's not sure whether it's a dream or a nightmare when she sees Karina through the bedroom window later that day. It could be a dream because Karina looks absolutely beautiful, and it could be a nightmare because she's not alone.

Winter may not be within hearing distance, but it's very clear that Karina does not hate Ryujin Shin the same way Winter does. It's obvious because they're laughing and dancing together, hands clasped tightly as they move around the room, and Karina seems more relaxed around Ryujin than she ever did around Winter.

The sight of Karina and Ryujin having fun together is like electricity running through Winter's veins. She hates the sight, but she can't get herself to stop watching. It feels like forever since she's seen Karina laugh like that, carefree and happy, and if it had been with anyone else she would've been delighted. Now it just feels like a stab in the stomach.

It's not that she hates Ryujin per se, it's just that every time she sees Karina she can still hear Ryujin saying, "girls are not supposed to kiss other girls," and every time she catches Ningning and Giselle showing even the slightest PDA there's a jab of anxiety before she realizes no one really gives a shit.

She really doesn't understand how Karina can just pretend like none of that ever happened. She doesn't understand why Karina still wants to hang out and be seen in public with Ryujin, but not with her.

Winter blames Ryujin for the way things went down between her and Karina, even though she knows, realistically, that it's not really her fault. She didn't say what she said back then to make any of this happen. But it did happen, and Winter isn't ready to forgive anyone for that-not Ryujin, not Karina, not herself.

Until seeing the two of them together she already felt like she'd lost Karina, the girl she fell in love with. Now, however, she feels like Karina-her best friend Karina-was stolen from her, and she doesn't know who she's angrier at for it.

*