They're both six years old when they promise to love each other forever. It happens on the trampoline in Winter's backyard, while Ryujin and Yeji are inside to beg Winter's mom for more cookies.

Karina and Winter settle down, laying on their backs to look at the clouds in the sky. Well, Karina is. Winter is looking at Karina. It's not a conscious decision-Karina is just really pretty. Prettier than the sky. Definitely prettier than the clouds.

It's quiet for a few moments, but Winter doesn't mind. Silences with Karina are never uncomfortable. But talking to Karina is even better, so Winter's heart kind of jumps when Karina gasps and grabs her hand, points at the sky, and says, "That one looks like a mandu."

Winter tears her gaze away from Karina to look at the dumpling-shaped cloud, and she has to admit Karina's right. Her smile reflects Karina's. "It does."

Karina's face is really close, and the twinkle in her eyes is so happy Winter can't really help but lean in. She doesn't know why she's so compelled to press her lips against Karina's, but it's sort of nice. It's also sort of gross, but the niceness definitely outweighs the grossness.

For two heartbeats nothing happens. Neither of them moves. Winter's eyes flutter closed. She wonders if this is what her parents feel like sometimes when their faces are really close to each other when they're talking.

Then Karina pulls back, frowning a little. "What was that?"

Winter needs a moment to get herself together, and her eyes are still closed, but Karina's voice grounds her a little. She looks into Karina's eyes-there's a slightly confused expression in them, but also something else that looks a little like the way Winter's heart is beating against her chest. And Winter doesn't know why, but she's relieved. "I'm not sure."

Karina doesn't move. "You kissed me."

"I guess," Winter says in a soft voice. "Was that okay?"

Karina's frown deepens, like she's deep in thought. Then she shrugs, her lips curling up into a shy smile. "I guess. But why?"

Winter blinks. She didn't think that far ahead yet. "I don't know. My mom and dad kiss all the time, and then they say they love each other."

"Oh." Karina pauses for a moment, her frown disappearing. Her eyes flicker down to Winter's mouth, and before Winter realizes what's happening, Karina pecks her lips and says, "I love you."

Winter tries to ignore the butterflies in her stomach, but she smiles and rolls back on her back. Her hand finds Karina's, and she gives it a soft squeeze. "I love you, too."

"Forever?" Karina asks, her voice timid and shy in comparison to before.

"Forever."

And then Ryujin and Yeji come running outside with an entire pack of cookies between them and half-eaten ones in their hand, and Karina jumps up to grab the cookies before Ryujin eats them all.

*

Things don't change in the years after that. They still hang out every day after school, usually at Winter or Karina's house, because they're neighbors and they live closest to school.

But then things do start to change. It happens on Winter's eleventh birthday, when they're in the backyard, playing by the trampoline. Their parents are all inside, eating cake and talking about boring adult stuff, and Winter's next to Yeji, leaning her arms on the trampoline while Karina and Ryujin are jumping up and down.

It's not the most comfortable position, but Winter doesn't mind because she likes it when Karina's happy and Karina looks really happy right now. Winter could probably watch her for hours.

"I gotta pee," Yeji says, slipping her arms off the trampoline. As if it's a given, Ryujin stops jumping and climbs off the trampoline. They don't say anything-they just disappear inside.

Winter watches them leave, and it's not until she turns back around that she realizes Karina's stopped jumping too.

"Play with me," she says, holding out her hand. Winter doesn't hesitate to grab it, letting Karina help her climb on the trampoline even though she could've done it herself just as easily. Karina sits down with her legs crossed, but when Winter wants to sit down, too, she shakes her head. "You jump. It's a funny feeling."

Winter isn't sure what's so funny about being bounced around, but she does what Karina asks anyway. At first she's worried she's going to hit Karina in the face or knock her over somehow, but her worry disappears the second Karina starts laughing almost uncontrollably.

It doesn't last very long. Jumping is exhausting, especially when your heart was already beating out of your chest before you even started. Winter lets herself sink down next to Karina, and she smiles.

Karina smiles back. "Thank you."

"Of course," Winter says. "Anything to see you smile."

It happens right then. One moment they're just smiling at each other, the next Karina leans in and kisses her. A little longer than last time, and with a little less nonchalance. When she pulls back, she's smiling again. "Happy birthday, Win. I love you."

"I love you, too," Winter breathes, her forehead still pressed against Karina's. She's eleven years old, and she has no idea what she's doing.

But some part of her knows she's in love with Karina. There's no fireworks when the words cross her mind-just something that feels a lot like oh, and that's that.

"Forever?" Karina asks, and their noses brush.

Winter closes her eyes. She takes everything in, from the way Karina's face feels against her own to the thousands of butterflies in her stomach. She doesn't know how she'll ever not love Karina. "Fore-"

"We're back," Ryujin announces, very loudly, and they jump apart. And then, "Were you kissing?"

"Uh-" Winter says at the same time Karina says, "No."

Ryujin looks back and forth between them with a look of disbelief and judgment, and Winter feels Karina inching away from her. She wants to grab her hand and keep her close, but she can't make herself move under the weight of Ryujin's stare.

"Good," Ryujin says. "Girls are not supposed to kiss other girls. We're supposed to kiss boys."

Her words feel like a punch to the stomach. Winter's mouth goes dry and it feels like someone's shoved a glowing hot iron stick down her throat. She looks at her hands and wonders if her heart chose wrong somehow.

When she looks up, Karina is on the other side of the trampoline, as pale as a ghost. She doesn't meet Winter's eyes-she barely even acknowledges Winter's there.

Something has changed. Winter can feel it in the air, in the way Karina's body language went from happy and honest to closed and distant.

Something has changed, because girls are not supposed to kiss other girls.

*

Being friends with Karina is different from being friends with Ryujin or Yeji. When Winter is with Ryujin and Yeji, there is no tension when their hands brush accidentally, and her heart doesn't flutter every time they smile at her.

Being friends with Karina is different, because Winter doesn't want to just be friends. She's thirteen, and her body is starting to change, and she can't stop thinking about Karina's smile and her eyes and her hair and her hands. Mostly she thinks about what it means that somewhere in the back of her mind she's always thinking about kissing her.

By now she knows what Ryujin meant when she said that girls are not supposed to kiss other girls, but that doesn't mean Winter doesn't want to kiss other girls. Well, one girl in particular.

It's Karina. It's always Karina. She'd choose her over anything, or anyone. She doesn't remember a time where she wouldn't choose Karina over anything. Maybe there was just never such a time-they grew up together, after all.

The more time they spend together, the stronger Winter's feelings become, until she can't breathe without wanting to hold Karina's hand, until her heart beats against the walls of her ribcage, until it doesn't feel right to say anything but Karina's name.

She's pretty sure she'll burst if she doesn't tell someone.

So she does, one night when everyone is out and it's just her and her mom. They're in the kitchen, and they just finished eating dinner. Winter's so nervous she's chews the inside of her cheek until she tastes blood.

"Mom?"

Her mom looks up from loading the dishwasher. "Yes?"

Winter doesn't meet her mother's eyes, casting her gaze downwards instead. Her hands are trembling. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." Her mom presses a few buttons and closes the dishwasher, sitting back down at the dinner table. "Is something wrong?"

Winter shakes her head. "Not really. I just-I don't know."

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" her mom says, a hint of worry in her voice. "Literally anything."

And Winter knows, but it still doesn't keep her stomach from turning every time she thinks about all the potential reactions that she imagined over and over again at nights she couldn't sleep. Her tongue feels heavy. "What's it like to be in love?"

Her mom smiles. "It's different for everyone, but usually you can't stop thinking about them and you want to be with them all the time. Sometimes you really want to touch them, even if it's just your hands brushing, and you think they're the most beautiful person in the world." Her eyes turn dreamy like when she looks at Winter's father. "But why are you asking? Are you in love with someone?"

"No," Winter says, although it's mostly a reflex. She shrugs, still avoiding eye contact. "Maybe."

"I've learned that usually when it crosses your mind that you might be in love with someone, you usually are," her mom says in a soft voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Winter thinks about Karina. She's always thinking about Karina, clinging to the memory of their eleven year old selves sharing a kiss that was both meaningless and meaningful at the same time. She thinks about the way Karina used to look at her, before Ryujin told them girls are not supposed to kiss each other.

"Promise you won't be mad," she almost whispers.

"I promise I won't be mad."

She swallows, finally looking up. "I think I'm in love with Karina."

The silence that follows feels endless, even though it's probably just a few seconds. She watches the emotions flash over her mother's face-surprise, confusion, and something she can't identify.

Somewhere between the first time she ever says those words out loud and the moment her mom pulls her into a hug, Winter starts crying. Quiet sobs with even quieter tears that melt together with her mother's blouse.

"Of course I'm not mad," her mom says. "My love for you is regardless of who you love. I want you to know that. You know that, right?"

Winter nods, because she's still crying and her voice sort of stopped working. She clings to her mother like her life depends on it, lets herself be held until her tears stop falling and she finds her tongue.

"I never said that out loud," she says. "I was scared it would make things more real, but-they already are."

Her mom cracks a tender smile, still rubbing her back. "If only things worked like that."

"Ryujin said girls aren't supposed to kiss other girls," Winter blurts out, figuring that now she's started revealing her secrets she might as well continue. "And now Karina won't look at me the same."

"When did this happen?"

Winter shrugs. "A few years ago, on my birthday. Karina kissed me and told me happy birthday and-" She stops herself there, not ready to reveal the most sacred moment in her life so far yet. "When Ryujin and Yeji came back from the bathroom Ryujin caught us and she asked if we'd kissed. Karina said we hadn't, and then Ryujin went like, 'Good. Girls are not supposed to kiss other girls'." Her voice catches in her throat when she realizes she's still got the exact words memorized.

When she looks up, her mom is looking back with sad eyes. "Ryujin's wrong. Sometimes girls kiss other girls and sometimes boys kiss other boys. There may be laws against love, but there aren't any rules. People can't help who they fall in love with, and one day everyone will know that."

"I don't think Karina knows."

Her mom tucks a strand of hair behind Winter's ear, pressing a kiss against her forehead. "She will, one day. She's only twelve, and you're still just thirteen, even though sometimes you don't sound like it. There's still plenty of time to figure things out."

Winter sighs, leaning into her mother's embrace. She knows her mom's right-they're still young. They're not even in high school yet. But she's never been surer about anything than the way she feels about Karina. She doesn't want to lose her. She really doesn't.

*

Here's the thing: losing Karina is not a fast process. It's like putting a frog in cold water and heating up the pan until the water boils and the frog is cooked. And Winter doesn't realize what's happening until it's too late.

*

It starts long before Winter knows what's happening, but it becomes apparent one afternoon when they're walking home from school. Ryujin and Yeji both live a block or two closer than Winter and Karina, and the last ten minutes it's always just the two of them.

Winter has been wanting to slip her hand into Karina's for as long as she can remember, but she never actually does it. They're in public, which means someone could see them-she wants to spare herself the pain of Karina pulling away before their fingers really intertwine.

"Rina?"

Karina looks up, her dark eyes flickering up to Winter's face.

"I talked to my mom," Winter says, needing to get it out of her system. She hates keeping secrets from Karina. "About what Ryujin said."

Karina frowns. "Ryujin says a lot of things every day."

"You know what I'm talking about." Winter looks down at her hands, dries her palms on her jeans. Maybe Karina wants to lie to herself and insist Ryujin's words aren't burned in her mind forever, but they are for Winter and she's not the one who looks away every time their eyes lock.

Karina quickens her pace. "We're in public, Win. We can't talk about that now."

"There's no one around. No one will hear us, I promise."

"We're not going to talk about it," Karina says with such finality in her words that Winter almost doesn't dare to continue. But she's about to explode from all the different scenarios she's made up in her mind that'll definitely never happen if they don't have this conversation.

She stops walking. "Rina, please hear me out."

For a moment she doesn't think Karina's just going to keep walking, but then she slows down to a stop, a few feet away from Winter. "What's there to talk about? Ryujin said some things. We were ten, Winter."

"That doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Not a day has passed where I didn't think about it. We don't have to have a full conversation about it, but I do need you to know she was wrong. Sometimes girls kiss girls, and boys kiss boys. It happens, and it's okay."

Karina's jaw clenches. She balls her fists. Her eyes are wide with the same fear Winter still feels sometimes, deep down between the walls of her heart. "Who told you that?"

"My mom," Winter says. "She knows more about this stuff than Ryujin. I trust her, Karina."

"She's wrong." Karina's voice is sharp and seething with anger. "Did you tell her about everything else, too? Gosh, of course you did. I'm so stupid to think-" She moves, and suddenly she's in front of Winter, so close she could touch her if she wanted. "Don't tell anyone else. Promise me you'll never tell anyone else."

Winter blinks. Karina's eyes are desperate, practically begging her to promise. And they're only twelve and thirteen. They're not supposed to think about these things-they're not supposed to be afraid of themselves. Winter hates the way Karina hates herself.

"I promise," she says, just above a whisper. "I won't tell anyone."

Karina relaxes, but only a little. She stares into Winter's eyes, tears forming in her own. She's so close Winter can see herself in the reflection of Karina's pupils. She's so close Winter could kiss her.

"Never," Karina says, making it sound like a question and a demand at the same time.

And somewhere in the back of her mind, Winter can still hear that same voice asking for forever. She nods. "Never."

*

It becomes worse the day they're having a sleepover at Winter's house. It starts out like any other Wednesday, which means dinner with Winter's family, because Karina's parents have to work late and because that's how it's always been.

It's the end of the summer between junior high and high school for Winter, and Labor Day is nearing. Soon Winter won't be able to see Karina while they're walking to school together, or during lunch breaks, or after school when they walk back home.

She tells herself that's the reason she's kind of staring-to remember. Because who knows what will happen next year? She's going to have new experiences, and homework is going to pile up, and there will be house parties that she might get invited to if she surrounds herself with the right people. And it's not like anyone will notice if she doesn't take her eyes off Karina for extended periods of time. They're all too busy eating and talking about mundane things like the weather and politics and food anyway.

But when Winter and Karina go upstairs to Winter's bedroom to watch a movie on the crappy secondhand TV that was no longer of any use after Winter's parents finally got a flat screen a little while later, something's off.

Winter notices it immediately. She's tuned in to Karina's frequency, catching onto everything that's even remotely different than usual. Karina's eyes don't stay focused on the same spot for longer than a few seconds at a time, and she's twitching her fingers like she does when she's nervous.

"Is everything okay?" Winter asks, climbing onto her bed. "You seem a little out of it."

Karina blinks. Her voice is low and distant. "Yeah, I'm fine. What do you want to watch?"

Winter studies Karina's face. She looks into the eyes she's been falling in love with for as long as she can remember, notices the way Karina's hair is getting really long, longs for those lips against her own. She knows what it means now, kissing someone. It makes her wish she'd done it again, all those years ago. Now she barely remembers what it's like to kiss Karina.

She decides it's not worth the effort. If Karina wants to talk to her about whatever's bothering her, she will. Pushing Karina never works, Winter learned. "I don't know. Mean Girls? To prepare for high school?"

"I'm not going to high school yet," Karina says so quickly she almost interrupts Winter. "Can we watch something else?"

Taken aback, Winter nods. "Sure. Finding Nemo?" It's an old favorite, one they've watched countless of times. One she knows Karina really likes-more than Mean Girls.

But Karina doesn't seem as eager tonight. She nods, but it's without the usual joy in her eyes.

Winter crosses the room to put the DVD into the DVD player, and when she turns around Karina's still at the edge of her bed. And when she climbs back into bed, Karina doesn't really move. Not even when Winter holds her arms open like she always does.