I didn't sleep very well the next few days and didn't go out very much either. I spoke to my family quite often though and read books to pass the time, but i was still feeling depressed about everything in general.

This morning i felt a bit different though, of course i'm still sad and angry at myself but i decided that it would be better to get dressed and do something, rather than lying on my bed and drowning in my self pity. Claire came in excited because she could finally do her job again and got me dressed.

While Claire was doing my hair, i was thinking about James. Not like, thinking about James, but more thinking about what i was going to do now that i didn't need a reason to pretend. If anything, as much as i hated to admit it, i needed to start finding someome who actually wanted to be with me. As a husband. i suppose that is really the only way to live a life in the regency era as a woman.

That said i did make an arrangement with James and i told him that i would help him until the end of the season. However, it means i'd have to wait another year for another one to start again. This was all so hard and complicated, to be honest i just wanted to eat breakfast at this point.

Claire finished my hair and i rushed downstairs to see if there was any breakfast left considering my brothers are such gannets all the time. I was very disappointed when they'd left one piece of burnt toast for me.

I hit Francis on the back of the head before sitting down and eating nothing. "It was Ambrose Diana!" he laughed speaking through a mouth full of food. "Charming brother, but would you mind repeating that?" Ambrose replied in defense while holding his hand up to cup his ear mocking Francis. "i do not care, and i do not wish to hear your excuses either." i announced holding my head high and crossing my arms over one another.

Matilda waltzed into the room with a big smile on her face and mother followed her in. "i would like to suggest we go on a big Haywood walk." Matilda announced before going to sit next to Francis on a chair she'd pulled over from the corner of the room. She rolled out a long piece of paper with writing all over it that she'd clearly been working a very long time on.

For about ten minutes she explained to us where we were going to go and what we were supposed to see at what time. I have to say, she was very organised.

"Diana, you will be incharge of telling any of our wonderful brothers off if they do anything out of line." she said. I heard each and everyone of my brothers sigh and took pleasure in it quite frankily. "this is going to be fun" Matthew teased rolling his eyes before i kicked him under the table to prove to Matilda how good i was going to be at my one and only role. "perfect, thank you." She beamed impressed witht the amount of work i'd done already.

Once we were outside we all sort of split of into pairs and then walked behind each other. Mother was with Matthew, Matilda with Ambrose and i was with Francis. We walked in silence for a while, until i could make out who was coming towards us.

James was walking this way with his mother on his arm and they stopped when approached by Francis and I. "Your grace and of course Lady Penbrooke."Francis greeted bowing his head down and joing his hands behind his back. "Lord and Miss Haywood"James said in response.

"I wondered if you might promenade with my sister this fine morning Mr Penbrooke." Francis asked James. I was preparing myself for a positive 'no' considering how bloody annoying he was being the other night at the ball.

"Certainly, Miss Haywood?" He replied holding out his arm. I took hold of it indicating a yes and we walked in the opposite direction of my family.

"I'm surprised you said yes, Mr Penbrooke, considering your behaviour at the ball a few nights ago." i said in a slightly passive aggressive tone, looking around to pretend i was enjoying myself. He stifled a laugh at my accusation, "I can assure you Miss Haywood, i believe my behaviour was nothing short of respectable." he objected looking anywhere but at me, as i was him. "ahh right, when you stopped me from dancing with someone, didn't talk to me properly and then wondered off leaving me embarrassed and alone." I replied "Sorry, i'd forgotten that all those things meant respectable. silly me." I added with a sarcastic tone in my voice.

"Miss Haywood, it was clear that you didn't want to dance with Mr Lewis and i left because Letitia needed to speak to me about her mother, who is very ill!" he raised his voice into a loud whisper, i felt bad now for questioning his morals but i was also very stubborn. We stopped on a bridge and turned to face each other, "arrogance your grace is going to get the better of you one day, as you clearly can't cope with the fact that you did something wrong." i got up into his face a bit more and he turned his head away. I regained composure and looked at him and he slowly turned his head back to me.

"I thought we were friends James, but clearly you've proven incapable of allowing yourself to be acquainted with anyone but your mistress." i gulped, my hands were weating and my cheeks were flushed red from anger and frustration.

He paused for a moment, probably shocked that i had called the woman he loved a 'mistress'. "I'm afraid you are correcct, Miss Haywood. I could never befriend someone so impulsive and ignorant towards others feelings." He agreed with a long sterness in his voice.

I hadn't realised how close we were to each other, mostly from trying to mark our own territory and getting under one anothers skin.

"i'm not being ignorant or impulsive, im simply telling the truth which you clearly need to hear because right now you think you're going to be able to run away with each other and get married." i began mocking him. "and how you're 'not the type to marry,' but you'll make an exception for her" I knew i was getting him angry from the sharpness of his breath and his sarcastic laughter every now and then to try and believe what was actually happening. "Your Grace you may not be the marrying type, but have you ever considered that you may be not be the type women wish to marry?" I added letting out a deep breath to finish my dramatic monologue. "You musn't talk to me about marriage, Miss Haywood, when the only reason you don't want to marry is because you're waiting to fall in love. I hate to be the one to cause your displeasure Diana but your sex doesn't get blessed with such luck, nor does your virtue or happiness!" He seethed these words through the gaps of his closed jaw, still trying to stay as quiet as possible.

We stood in silence for a moment reflecting on the harsh things we had said to each other.

"I think it's about time we end this ruse Miss Haywood. Clearly we don't take comfort in each other's company anymore." he spoke softly and looked over the bridge. "I agree, your grace, whether or not you enjoyed it in the first place. In fact, i've been thinking during the last few days that it's probably time for me to find a husband anyway. Though don't worry, i won't fall in love, the night of my wedding won't be at all pleasureable for me and i'll be miserable for the rest of my life" i replied lowering my head.

James seemed to have also taken some distress in my words when i mentioned a husband because he let out a sigh when i said then. "I very much do wish you and Letitia the happiest of lives together." I added before turning away and leaving him.

I walked away as quickly as possible. For some reason a few tears spilled down my cheeks, mostly because of the things he said to me, but also because...i was losing him. I thought of him as someone i could trust and confide in but he threw it in my face and told that i'd probably never be happy. Maybe it was silly of me to have ever thought of him as a friend in the first place.

James POV:

I was confused as to why i was so deeply saddened at the thought of Diana not liking me. Her words were hurtful but i shouldn't have told her that she was to live such a restricted life. Part of of me wanted to run after her and apologies for any inconveniences.

^^(3:00 fits the next scene perfectly;) )

I rubbed my face with the palms of my hand and then put them back in my pockets before walking away in the opposite direction.

I thought about her all the way back home.

Her laugh, her smile, the way her cheeks flush with colour when she becomes the centre of attention. She likes to eat with her knife and fork in the wrong hands and mostly relies on me to guide her when we dance together.

When we dance together...

It's magical. I can't look anywhere but at her bluey grey eyes and blond locks that fall effortlessly on her shoulders.

Whatever the feeling was that i possessed for Miss Haywood, i was certain that i felt it twice the amount for Letitia.

Fairly certain anyway...