I spent the rest of my day in our hotel room. I didn't have the energy to do anything. Jessie and Gabbie are getting ready to go party,again. This time they're going to a club near the hotel.

"Sad you're not coming with"Jessie says with a pout on her face. "It's okay,I have ten channels to look forward to"I say. "Alright well you enjoy yourself,text me if you leave and where"Jessie demands. "Got it mom"I joke. "I'm serious"Jessie says letting her shoulders lose. "Alright,we'll see you later"Jessie says. "Bye Beka"Gabbie adds. They both walk out of the room and I debate on what to do with my time.

I couldn't think of anything,I mean what do you even do at night in a hotel?

Swimming.

I look through my suitcase for a bathing suit but I couldn't find anything,I guess I didn't remember to pack one,good thing a bra and underwear works just the same.

I grab a towel and make my way down to the pool area. It was empty,peaceful,and so quiet.

I unbutton my flannel and let it drop onto the ground once I took it off. I dip my toe in the water,checking its temperature,it was perfect.

Suddenly what seemed to be a peaceful moment became a moment of frustration as I began to think about Ethan and I. A lot of people don't understand when it comes to an abusive relationship, they ask you "why don't you just leave?"but it's not that easy. It's like you're getting mixed signals and you don't know what anything means. Does he love me? Does he not? Is this all just fun for him?

I dive into the pool and stay under the water for a couple of seconds. I was crying but the pool water wiped away every tear,I cried and yelled,running my fingers through my hair,pushing it back. The yelling helped,it's like I was being heard even though no one was around.

—

After having time to myself for what seemed to be two hours,I make my way back to my hotel room.

As I walked back I spotted Ethan at the end of the hallway,with some girl and I couldn't believe my eyes.

Ethan was making out with someone and I couldn't identify who it was. Now I know this should be one of those moments where I attack the both of them; the girl and I have a cat fight as I slap and shove Ethan but I didn't have that in me. The girl was about my height and had a navy fitted dress on with black heels.

I was hurt,Ethan can make out with strangers but I can't even talk to a guy?

I continue to make my way towards my room trying not to focus on what I just witnessed but I couldn't. I changed out of my wet bra and panties and changed into different lingerie I then threw on an oversized t shirt and some sweatpants. I lay in the bed and get comfortable but no matter how comfortable I was,it didn't help with my overthinking.