Desire grows by what it feeds on.

Jasper has this weird thing about him that makes me want to be my best when I'm around him. He gives me hope that I'm still a good person, even if I sometimes do bad things.

One second I was a scared college kid living in a new place and ticing all the goddamn time because I was so stressed and the next I was with him going on runs and laughing over coffee.

When I hug him, even if previously I hadn't known I didn't feel safe, I swear that I feel more protected than I ever had before.

Once I told him that he needs to take over his own world before someone else does it for him. Well fuck him, because he took that advice and used it to take over my world instead.

Nothing is better than that though, this is my home now, he makes me feel like I belong.

Sometimes people are easy for me to understand and I know I'm an open book to Jasper even if he's a romance novel written in another language for me. Love isn't something I've easily understood.

I'm a cook, a baker, and a football player. I'm good at chemistry and making plans, following through with instructions and working with whatever happens when those things go wrong.

Love isn't -it isn't predictable.

I know what I want, don't get me wrong, I'm not oblivious but I'm easily confused.

What we have is, as I said, unexpected. It's the kind of thing you only read about in books, the kind I have lining my shelf and filling my dreams.

One thing I failed to ask myself is what if his dreams are different from my own?

Jasper's body close to mine, him looking at me like that, the way he says my name...it's all done in a very convincing way to tell me that he loves me too -even if we're not in love with each other

But if there's one thing I know, it's that the human mind is easily tricked.

Still, I want him to be mine.

So we have to learn how to communicate with each other.

"Here, just," I nervously point at my bed and he does so without question. "Sit, please."

But standing in front of him starts to feel like I'm about to give my little brother a lecture so I sit on my desk, legs stretched out onto the back of my chair as I lean back comfortably.

This isn't the most flexible outfit.

"Jasper, c'mon," Catching the pout at the way he shrinks in on himself, I try to talk as gently as possible but the growl that soon follows is anything but. "Even if I could realistically get you in trouble, I can't. I'm not your authority figure, I don't have any control over you. You don't have to act like you're in trouble."

"T-talk usually means um, sit still while someone y-yells at me."

Frowning I grab onto Selene's dog tags, "It's not like that with me. If I ever yell at you you must have like, killed someone or something. Or gotten hurt." I pause, thinking about how hot headed I can get sometimes. "And you bet your sweet ass that if you don't yell back at me if I ever do it for no goddamn reason I'll be a bit disappointed."

His pout just grows. "I-I don't like to yell."

"Listen, Love, I noticed your thing when it comes to-" I growl. "-touching and I'm just trying to respect that."

The pet name slips out before I can stop it, all due to my mama. At this point most people in my family copy the way she talks to people, as long as they're comfortable with them.

But half the time, because that's mixed with the dumb and harsh way Papa talks, people usually think we're mocking them.

I guess they don't know if we're mocking them, they wouldn't have to guess.

The musician blinks at me owlishly, seemingly confused. "My thing...?"

"You know," I shrug, not daring to glance him over because now is not the time to be caught staring at him objectively. "You don't like to be touched. Not first, anyway. And I -I have asked. Usually I go off body language, since I'm no good with words, but I'm getting better at it."

Remembering to ask, instead of check, is getting easier too even if he hasn't really noticed I'm doing it he definitely has noticed I'm not touching him as much without permission.

Either way, I just hope he notices that I'm actually trying.

"Do you, um, do you want t-to know why, um...why I'm -why I'm like this?" Jasper is obviously nervous while saying this, eyes cast pointedly to the ground.

He doesn't want to talk about this.

But he's pushing himself.

Which either makes him stupid enough to induce a panic attack or brave enough to face whatever is making him so upset.

I raise an eyebrow, glancing at him for any cues I can find but he's just...he just looks scared right now.

"Having boundaries and being nervous towards touch?"

"Not nervous," The musician pauses. "Scared."

Oh, I was right. Don't like that.

My body tenses as I sit up straight, heels digging into the ground instead of resting on the chair. This isn't a conversation I would imagine I'd be having and if the nervous and scared mess Jasper's presenting as tells me anything it's that he didn't imagine that either.

"Scared? Why would you be..." I ask, jaw clenching as a thought passes my mind. "Did-"

"I had these f-friends in high school, they weren't good people. Th-they were, they were angry. They were angry a lot, Castor." His voice is small and shaky, his entire body hunching in on himself.

He's honestly scared.

And that?

That makes me angry.

Anger isn't what he needs right now, in fact it's quite the opposite, so I stay silent, fists clenched and snarling through my tics.

"I thought that, um, that getting put down, getting called crazy when I mentioned something I clearly remember happened-- t-they liked to, they liked to t-tell me that I was crazy. Forgetful. And, and I am b-but... things happened. And then they would pretend that it didn't. They made me t-think I was going insane for, for a while, actually. And they introduced me to this g-guy."

A guy?

More like someone I probably have to kill.

"An old friend of there's. I knew, well, I-I knew he wasn't my butterfly. I only have one-- and, and that's you, but I didn't know that back then a-and I just wanted experience, you know? K-Ke-Keres was p-pushy."

If Jasper wasn't so scared right now, scared enough to tell me this that he's crying, I'd already be tracking this guy down.

Murder is definitely on the table.

For now, I'm dealing with a different table, one that needs a more gentle approach. One for Jasper and only Jasper.

"He l-liked to do things, he liked to do things I wasn't ready for? And, w-well, no didn't really become an, an option with him. And he got angry, too, just like my old friends. Just like them, but w-worse."

He touched Jasper- -this sweet, stunning, kind, goofy, adorably honorable man- -without permission.

I'm going to fucking kill him.

A loud growling noise sounds out and it takes a moment for me to realize that it came from me.

"He didn't-" I growl but at this point I'm not sure if everything I'm doing that shows a lack of control at the moment is my Tourette's or me. "-listen when you said no?"

Jasper's adorable and wholesome and hurt.

And I never want him to experience those things again.

The musician nods, hands shaking as he continues, "He threw things. A-and sometimes I, I annoyed him too much. I'd make him too angry without meaning to, I swear I didn't m-mean too."

It's not his fault.

It's not his fault.

"But he'd, he'd hit me sometimes."

Dead, this fuck shit is literally dead.

"Not h-hard and, and I bruise easy anyway. I know it's not okay, what-- what he did, I mean. He shouldn't have treated me like that. And now, I j-just, I get scared when people touch me too much or unexpectedly. I get these flashbacks," The giant tries to laugh but the tears get in the way, making the sound come out choked. "I think people are actually him, sometimes. I shut down. It, it isn't pretty."

Has he ever thought I was him?

"I..." Don't know what to say, not while this anger is coursing through me and I feel like destroying the man who did that to him. "I understand." More than I should. "What can I- -mother ducklings- -do so you don't get triggered?"

"You touching me is okay," Jasper tilts his head at me and frowns. "You... you m-make me feel safe, Castor. You're all green!"

I don't know what that means.

But if it's a good thing, I'll take it.

"I've never met someone all green before, it's beautiful. O-oh, anyways, I-- well, you're gentle. Not a lot of people are gentle with me, and you read my body language pretty well."

Only because of how much I look at his body, honestly.

"If... if I feel uncomfortable, or having a really bad day where I can't be touched, I'll tell you? So, um, that way, it's still okay for me to get cuddles, yes?"

"Well yeah," With a tense jaw and squared shoulders I shrug, but it's oddly uncomfortable, which I know Jasper still picks up on that. "I haven't been touching you because I didn't want to cross your boundaries, which I- -in Eden- -already did since I didn't ask before. As long as you're okay with it, I'm okay with it."

This explains perfectly why Jasper has the awkward kindness of someone who has never been loved like this and is forced to improvise when it comes to me.

Jasper pauses, thinking, before saying, "Don't...don't grab my upper arms." It looks physically hard for him not to say the word 'please.'

Nodding, I accept this instantly.

"I won't." I pause. "We kiss. Like, a lot."

We both know this.

Yet Jasper still finds it in his anxiously self to flush.

"And we can take that as slow as you like, or just have a boundary of where everything stops. If you want a safe word, we can have one, if you want us to just until you strictly say otherwise never to go past simple-" I squeak. "-kissing, we won't. There's no rush. No means no, hesitant means no. I don't need a reason and I won't- -mother ducklings- -get mad. I never want you to feel pressured and if you feel that way, tell me and I'll stop whatever I'm doing."

This isn't a suggestion on my part, but a promise.

"I'd never hit you, or yell at you like that. I don't care how- -Sasuke- -mad I am or what you did, I never will. Sometimes I can get amped up and get loud but just tell me to lower my voice or quiet down. I just, I-" I squeak. "-don't know how to say that I won't abuse you. I wont gaslight you or guilt trip you. I'm not, I don't do that stuff. If you ever feel emotionally uncomfortable- -in Eden- -or think I might hurt you- -in Eden- -in a moment please either tell me that or tell me to go away. I'll do it no questions asked. You should never be in a position during a relationship where you question your safety."

My eyes sting with tears but I blink them away, hands tightening to a point where it's almost painful.

"I wish...I wish I had more practice-" I growl. "-at being a better person." I tell him, still trying to figure out how to react without making him flinch. "I'm not -I'm not good- -Sasuke!- -at this. At talking."

Looking away from him, I continue to blink until my eyes don't feel so heavy.

Conversations like this are hard for me. Things like this, like depression, self harm, bullying, pain, they get to me more than the normal person.

That's not something I like to show.

Memories pile up in me and I can't talk about them properly, not without breaking down into tics or taking my medicine that makes me act weird and sleepy.

Jasper might be a jumpy, anxious guy but he doesn't have that problem.

Now's proof of that.

I don't even know how to comfort him right, how to say the right thing without rambling or talking about myself.

This is why people say I'm not here, fully, because every time I really have to be present and make my words count, show my humanity, I can't do it right.

I can't control myself.

"Sasuke, Christmas lights-" My hand grabs my hair and I grunt, clutching at my wrist. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm-" I growl. "-I'm sorry. I don't -I can't, I can't think right- -Sasuke!- -now."

I'm so angry.

But I'm scared too.

Because I know what it's like to have a body on mine when I don't want it there, to be disgusted instead of pleased by someone's lips, to be smacked around, to be made crazy, to be hit.

And Jasper does too.

Fuck.

This isn't good, this isn't good at all.

I can't breathe and I realize this too slow as Jasper has to catch me when my legs decide to stop working and I collapse to the side. His hands clumsily grabble at my sides, trying to keep me up right.

"Fuck, sorry-" I squeak. "-I'm sorry, just- -in Eden- -let me grab my medicine-"

"You have to take m-medicine?" Jasper asks, clearly startled. "Should I -can I grab it for you?"

Sighing, I roughly hold my wrist to myself, trying to keep it in place so I don't accidentally smack him during this conversation at the very least. "Please, they're-" I growl. "-in the top- -top, top, top- -drawer."

He finds it and stays with me as I still struggle to calm down after taking three, not asking what triggered it or continuing the conversation.

Jasper just stays with me, him laying on his side on my bed as I lay on my stomach, my arms wrapped loosely around his lower arms and half-playing with his hand as his other hand gently runs along my back.

"Thanks." I tell him, grateful for his simple presence. "I know that gets annoying."

Reading between the lines of tics gets hard for some people while others just learn how to ignore it but either way, when I have a panic attack or start to freak out, it gets impossible for anyone to ignore.

The giant shakes his head like that's not true.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I hate crying and hate it more how I'm doing it anyway. "I didn't mean to stop the conversation."

"Everything that needed to be said was," Jasper's hand wraps around my wrist as his muscles jump under my arm. "Including cuddles."

He's seriously just a big puppy.

One that's been kicked a few times, but still.

"Can I cuddle with you now?" I ask, glancing over to him and trying to ignore the way his eyes drift down to my damp cheeks. "Until Vivianna or Circe drags us out of here? After that, it's okay if we don't have our nightly-" I squeak. "-ones. I'll probably pass out before we could even get a movie started."

Jasper scoffs, arm tugging around my waist and pulling my chest to his. "We don't need movies to cuddle."

I can only nod, face-planting into his chest as I grab onto his leather jacket. Leaning in more I can't help but to notice that even the leather smells like him, meaning he wears it a lot.

The cute giant is always scared people will find him scary because he's tall and built but I doubt he realizes he's more attractive than anything.

"You look good in this," I tell him. "And your piercings."

He hums in reply, arms tightening around me. "I like wearing them."

"You should do it more often then."

"Mhm."

We lay like this until Noelle bangs on the door, telling me to get my mesh-clad ass to the clubs so we can have a dance battle.

"I'd win," I tell Jasper, rubbing the tiredness from my eyes as he yawns before pressing a soft, reassuring 'we're okay' type of kiss to my temple. "I've watched White Chicks like, a thousand times."

He just laughs.

It's a relieving sound to hear.