My desire and wish is that the things I start with should be so obvious that you wonder why I spend my time stating them. This is what I aim at because the point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it. 

Jasper fell asleep in the car, face cuddled in my neck and hands holding onto me so tightly, I was sure that during his dream, he was scared to let go of something.

And in trying to wake him up, after finally getting his arms from around my waist with the help of Dela- -I wouldn't let Axel touch him- -and taking his face in my hands, him curling into the middle as soon as he registered I wasn't there, I noticed that the once just-red faded marks became bruises.

Actual bruises.

Bruises that are light enough to be ignored from a distance, but by pulling him closer I can clearly see the imprints of Axel's fingertips.

"Axel." I snarl, turning sharply to face him. "What the fuck."

Axel steps back, Eris even stepping in front of him with a small frown on her usually smiling face.

"What did I do?" The girls murmur something to him that makes him wince and turn to with a sheepish smile, "Uh...he bruises easy."

"That means you should be extra careful!" My anger rises and I know that I tic, but take a deep breath so my adrenaline doesn't send my body into a frenzy. "Go the fuck away."

"But, Jazz-"

"No, go away- -Sasuke!- -or I swear to fuck," Snapping this, I step closer with my fists clenched, making Nyx do the same -jumping to the defense of her family. "You'll be bruised too."

Dela and Eris lead Axel away, going to the Under Eye Tea Bags that Jasper gave them directions for, they leave me with Damien and Nyx who look like they couldn't care less about me now that I'm not threatening anyone.

I guess they know that I won't hurt Jasper.

Couldn't bring myself to even if I tried.

"Hey, Jitterbug, come on," Climbing half way back into the car, I pull on Jasper's hands to pull his arms around my sides -knowing that when his body is completely exposed he tends to notice even in sleep and wake up. "You have to -mph!"

Without warning, Jasper's grip goes from slack-loose to tight as he tugs me into him -making my knees bang into the bottom of the car floor.

"More sleep?" He asks me, voice tired and gruff.

His sleepy voice is so hot.

But this is so not the time for that.

Not when the anger in me is doubling, not when Axel's face is begging for my fist because god dammit another man left bruises on my musician and that isn't something I think I could ever ignore.

"No more sleep." I instruct, voice tight with anger. "You have to wake up."

Slowly, Jasper blinks awake and we're able to climb out of the car where he nods to his older sister, "Mornin'."

"Nah, dipshit," Nyx shakes her head. "It's afternoon."

Grateful she didn't say anything, I just bury my hands deep in my pocket and lead the way to Under Eye Tea Bags -only half-aware that I'm stomping and glaring so heavily at the ground.

If I truly see how much damage Axel did to Jasper's face, there's no doubt in my mind that I'll actually punch him.

Hearing murmuring behind me, probably from Jasper being confused and Nyx answering- -Damien doesn't speak much, if at all- -I try to ignore it and focus on something else, anything else to get the anger out of my system.

But it doesn't work.

My arm starts to jerk more and tics fall out of my mouth.

It gets to the point where I'm embarrassed to be around Jasper in public, or worried his family will say something.

Logically, I know it's not as bad as it is in my mind but emotionally, it still makes me panic.

Fucking Tourette's, fucking ADHD, fucking OCD tendencies.

I hate it all.

When we make it to the tables, I start to debate if I should just head back to the dorm early.

"Hey freak!"

The familiar shout of one of my brothers, Atlas, breaks me from my thoughts and makes me turn sharply on heel just in time to catch the football roughly against my chest instead of letting it smack the back of my head.

I scowl, dropping the football to the ground.

I'm really not in the mood for this.

Atlas is the definition of a Dude-Bro; classical trashy douche-bag who's a cisgender, straight white guy with no disabilities that believes in God, marries young but still parties on the weekend.

We've always not liked each other.

As siblings, as family, we love each other, but as humans who are in the same place?

We hate each other.

Or maybe, he's always hated me and I was just conditioned to hate him back. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting those two confused.

He's a regular guy.

Normal.

I'm just human in the same way a love potion is poison.

To this day, I don't think there has been a time since I was nine that we've called each other by our first names.

Before he got married to Grace and became a Sawyer, I called him Daemon- -his middle name- -and now I just call him Sawyer or Asshole. He calls me by my middle name, Alpha or our last name, Rex.

This isn't something our parents like.

In my defense, I was eleven when he first started fist fighting me and he was seventeen, so the blame pretty much only goes to him.

But now I can fight really good and am, obviously, a lot stronger than I look.

Some days I almost wish I was weak.

Jasper stands up to face me, chest so close to my back I can feel his body heat, just as Atlas reaches me and tries to put his arm around my neck.

I shove him away from me, "No touching."

Atlas smirks, "Still on your high horse I see."

Fuck Atlas because he's such an asshole to me but fuck him even more because this, the fighting between us, it's familiar and it actually makes me calmer.

Which doesn't make me tic as much.

And when Atlas is the one who gets me to calm down, it makes me hate being calm.

"These are your friends?" My brother asks, eyes wandering the crowd of the Red siblings and the two D'Silvettas.

"No." I say, crossing my arms over my chest, not about to tell him how close me and Jasper are, or even that Jasper is as important to me as he is. He'd use that against me. "We just met."

"Oh, then allow me to make proper introductions," Atlas, like the dick he is, doesn't offer anyone his hand just bows cockily. "I'm Atlas Sawyer."

None of them respond but that doesn't stop the prick, just encourage him more.

"And this is Alpha Rex," Atlas clasps me on the shoulder but I shove his hand off me.

My face burns as he reveals my name, not having told Jasper for a reason.

I'm a star, a god, a radiation wave and a dinosaur.

It's weird, I've been made fun of it before.

That's why I'm just Cas.

Glancing to Jasper, his minty eyes wide, confused and all too curious about this. How do I explain this to him without making him feel bad for not knowing it already, given his reaction the first time he was asked my name?

I gulp, going to grab the dog-tags usually kept around my neck.

But they're not there.

Knowing Atlas, this prick, if he made it into the dorm then he definitely found them and one of his favorite things is to steal them from me, more than just a thing to remember Selene by while she's spending her time in the army, they're a comfort I usually have around my neck just waiting to grab.

After kissing Jasper this morning and then getting scared by him accidentally hurting himself, I must have forgot to put them on.

"He's my younger brother, I'm married that's why the different last names, and he's an Aries, a professional and complete dumbass, destined to be alone forever and his favorite color is the sunset."

"I'm an Aquarius." I mumble, not itching to defend the rest of that but I actually care about Zodiac signs so...

I want someone to love every inch of me.

Every single part.

My eyes, my hair, my palms and my lips. I want them to know every part of me I have ever hidden away and notice the actions that I can't hide if I wanted to and I want to be beautiful to them.

I'm rarely beautiful to anyone.

I want someone to tell me that they love the parts of me that make them mad or don't make sense just because those things are a part of me. I want them to understand parts of me I don't.

Every silent glance, every grin and smirk, every wink and flirtatious comment, every touch no matter how small and every morning filled with runs and coffee will mean "I love you" because I know I'm bad at saying it out loud.

I want someone to love me so loud that my world stands balanced between me and them because even if they move and everything falls apart, it will be worth it.

I want someone to love me so hard that I believe them when they say it.

And Atlas always has the perfect way about him that makes it so I think that maybe, I'm not capable of having this love even if I deserve it.

Sometimes it's not what he says, or even does.

It's just him being him.

That's annoying too.

"Hey, Alpha," Atlas raises his hand, probably just to ruffle my hair, but I flinch away from him. "What do you want to do, I'll be here until tomorrow."

The only time we're really touching each other is when we're fighting, that has made me unreasonably flinchy considering how I'm literally not scared of him at all.

One thing this asshole didn't expect fighting me so young was that I'd be able to start kicking his ass at 14.

This hasn't stopped him from trying to still win fights, even if just to get a few good jabs in.

"I want-" I squeak. "-you to leave, Sawyer."

Atlas shrugs, "Not happening, deal with it."

In other words, I'm stuck with him.

And poor Jasper and his family has to be around him, which actually might not be so bad because to others, he's actually pretty decent to be around.

He treats the women in my family like goddesses, our older brother like his hero and our younger brother like a regular fun sibling.

I'm the only one he picks on.

And genuinely have no fucking clue why.

Our parents have raised us all equally, even if we're gay or disabled, because I'm not the only one. I'm not raised on a pedestal or pushed below. There's nothing to be jealous or angry about.

So what the fuck.

"So...introduce me already, Alpha, because just from the looks of it alone, you like him."

He points to Jasper and I flinch again.

I really wish he'd just fuck off already.

"No." I flatly reply, making his grey eyes- -ones we annoyingly share- -snap down to me like I challenged him. "He wants to spend time with his family- -in Eden- -can't you just leave?"

"Nope, here to stay." Atlas brushes past me to sit down in a chair facing the all either blank or awkwardly smiling family. "Who are you guys?"

Damien makes a very annoyed face but says nothing, Nyx crossing her arms and glaring -I've noticed she does that a lot.

"Are they all mute?"

"Maybe they don't like talking to assholes, but that could just be me."

Atlas turns in his chair to face me with a sharp glare, making me wince and step back. "It's just you Alpha, fucking little shit. Didn't even let me give them a chance to be chill with me, just jumped right on the insults."

"Do you even need me for this conversation?" Asking this, my shoulders tense. "Because I'm pretty sure you can still act like a total prick when nobody is around."

"I'd say go jump off a cliff, but haven't you already tried that?"

That's a little too far.

And a bit inaccurate.

Yes, I have jumped off things not caring if I got hurt but not to kill myself but no, it wasn't a cliff. The cliff I jump off of has water underneath and our parents let me do this without any supervision so I'm sure that it's safe.

"First of all- -in Eden- -fuck off, second of all can't you just be-" I squeak. "-civil around them and treat me like shit later."

"Nah," My brother says dismissively. "Why wait?"

"So you don't come off like the fucking prickish douche you actually are until they already have good opinions of you."

"Says the ugly, dumbass troll." Atlas jumps at the chance to insult me back and it's almost disappointing how unoriginal it is compared to some of the other stuff he's called me.

"Just because you're named-" I growl. "-after a powerful being doesn't mean you are one." Just like I'm not a fucking god. "I'll easily accept I'm the troll, if you realize you're the goat walking across my bridge about to get pummeled."

"Me? I'm the one who will get pummeled?" He laughs and I flinch as he bangs his hand onto the table. "Aren't you the one who's going to get his ass beat at Christmas?"

I freeze, realizing that this year the Mistlefoe will be a lot more intense.

It's a rule that before we're 15, fights have to be done with gloves on. When we make it to 18, the fights go from 2 minutes to 5 and the gloves are optional. After we make it to college, the fights have no time limit and can get out of control very easily if someone gives chase.

If he chases me outside- -I hate winter and can't function well when I'm cold but he got Papa's internal fernance and it doesn't affect him- -then I'll probably lose the fight.

And if our parents aren't around to stop that, chances are I'll actually get beaten after actually beating him.

Then, how it normally goes, if when Mama walks in we act like nothing happened.

This winter's supposed to be cold too.

Fuck me.

"W-well," Jasper stammers out behind me, but I continue to vehemently glare at Atlas. "I don't, I don't like this conversation, so I'm just g-gonna...y-yeah, I'm going to go."

Without warning, the musician is in front of me, dunks down and throws me over his shoulder making me give a startled shout in the form of, "What the fuck!"

His siblings, without question, just grab their coffee and follow after us like this is normal.

Hint, it's not.

"Remember what we used to do in high school?" I hear him say. "Yeah, that."

Now, instead of the two D'Silvettas being on either side of Jasper while Nyx was behind him and his other two sisters are in front, Damien and Axel break away from the group and walk over to Atlas.

What the fuck is going on?

Axel is just standing there, talking to my brother like he's having a pleasant conversation.

It's like this family group has a hive mind because Vivianna comes bouncing up to us across the court yard shouting, "Hey! Need help beating someone up?" and seamlessly takes her older brother's spot beside Jasper.

"Not yet." Nyx replies. "He was messing with the butterfly and Jazz did his usual grab and go thing."

"This is not usual," I say, looking up to catch Atlas's eye. He might be a prick but hell, at least he's confused too. "And, seriously, what the hell is with the butterfly thing?"

In front, Eris laughs. "You didn't tell him, Jazz?" Tell me -is it bad? "Shameful."

"I wasn't sure!" Jasper's soft whine would be enough to get me to smirk, if not for the way his hand tightens on my thigh, squeezing me. Fuck. "How was I supposed to know."

Dela snorts, saying something to which Jasper huffs at but I'm just repeating to myself, don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it.

I'm thinking about it.

So, to interrupt my thoughts I complain. "No one answered yet, so can you- -Sasuke- -do that already?"

Before I spontaneously combust from the heat Jasper is putting in my system and the systematic anger Atlas has installed in me.

Jasper fumbles his step shortly, and I almost wonder if the klutz is going to trip while I'm in his arms and accidentally kill one of his sisters by landing on them.

"It's an, um... i-it's like matching socks?"

Not quite paying attention and cursing myself, I simply mutter, "Helpful."

"Sorry," The giant says, his other arms moving up to cross over my hips. "Well, see, you're one sock, and I'm one sock too. We're free to be our own socks, but we only have one match. We are the one match. You're my butterfly, which I didn't even think about to explain since it's such a normal thing I grew up around."

"Oh," I pause, hands tightening on the back of his shirt. "You mean like soulmates?"

This time Jasper does stumble, making me curse, but Nyx grabs my shoulders as if to catch me while I'm sure his other sisters try to catch Jasper -Vivianna just laughing in typical D'Silvetta fashion.

Her family's moral compass is very touch and go, practically a roulette wheel.

"I don't mean that like, like we're meant to be together- -in Eden- -or that-" I squeak and realize how flustered I got. "-you have to be with me. My mom, she believes in soulmates but like, as people you're-" My hand slips as I tic and I have to catch myself before I faceplant into his back. "-people you're supposed to meet. She has um, a few. Like my Uncle Kace and Uncle Jem, they're her best friends, but um, just people she's met too, one's she doesn't even know anymore. And my dad of course."

I forgot normal people usually just walk around, hearts empty, waiting for someone to make the first move to fill it.

My family, we bring people into our hearts before we even know we do it.

"Everyone has-" I growl. "-more than one soulmate but every soulmate is different."

Jasper's voice is small as he asks, "Different?"

Is he ever going to put me down? It's a little difficult to talk while I'm slung over a giant's shoulder.

Even Nyx looks interested in how I answer this.

But no pressure, right.

My jaw clenches. "Different...how do I, oh." I think of my own family, the tattoos on my skin. "My older sister is one of mine, she's like...she's helped me through a lot. Our souls match. Noelle is one of my soulmates, once she was my best friend but that's not really true anymore."

The last few years we've just drifted apart.

Talking about my family calms me down, which is odd given how little I like to talk about myself.

"I have a lot of soulmates, but none are the same or mean the same."

Maybe Jasper is one, or maybe I was just supposed to meet him, but either way it doesn't make him less important.

Vivianna slips between Nyx and Jasper, getting in my face with wide eyes. "How do you know who's your soulmate? I want that many!"

I just stare at her, completely unsure how to answer.

The only thing I can say is "It's someone you feel like you were supposed to always meet." but that doesn't seem like a good response.

How can I explain properly that without trying, a soulmate is someone that becomes a part of you, even if they might be bad for you or things don't work out, a part of your soul is given to them and a part of their soul is taken into yours.

After that, the way two soulmates come together or fade out is completely up to chance.

I pat the weirdo once on her head before pulling away. "Jasper's your soulmate."

As best friends and the way they just live and create laughter together, that's undeniable.