We fear what we most desire

It's the weekend so our schedule was a bit different, there were no classes but we still decided to go on the run.

On the run, Jasper appears to trip over nothing, shouts "Fuck!" right before stumbling head first into what is literally the only pole around. He jumps back up like nothing happened, turning to face me with a 'that fucking hurt' expression before tumbling down onto the sidewalk.

"Wow-" I squeak. "-you're the only person who's wiped out faster than me while running and you don't even have an excuse. You're just clumsy."

The reason I'm not worried so much as amused, is that Adonis is probably the clumsiest human alive, followed quickly by Noelle and then my mama.

Jasper will be fine.

Those minty eyes lock onto mine, "I got distracted."

I know the feeling, I think to myself -my mind now only wanting to constantly think about my roommate. He went from being one of my distractions to me needing a distraction from him.

He's just a black haired boy with mint green eyes so why am I more addicted to him than I would be a drug?

This might just be because he's hot and makes my life ten times easier but I think it's more than that.

Moving fast has never been one of my objectives, I've never liked moving fast, never liked the gay stereotype that we meet and two days later want to move in together.

Yet, to be fair to myself, we've already moved in together.

So we're well past that point.

"Jasper?" His head snaps up to me from where he was fixing his shoe laces, features expectant. Nope, not saying anything about how easy it would be to be together. "Be careful."

The musician grins sheepishly. "I'm trying."

Scoffing, I shake my head. "No, you're not. You can play so many instruments-" I squeak. "-that it's impossible not for you to have control of your body. If you were trying, you wouldn't trip. Also, if you were being careful, you definitely would've gotten distracted by...what were you distracted by?"

Speaking, I stand in front of the crouching boy -it's not a big height difference this way, which is almost upsetting.

Then I take in how close I am to him, and it doesn't matter so much anymore.

"Well, urm, your, uh..." Jasper gulps, turning a bit red before squeaking out, "Your ass?"

Smirking, I shake my head, more than amused but the oblivious musician flushes more. I can only watch him make himself more flustered by just watching me react.

Of course, I can tell that we went from strangers, to friends for a second before we went to that awkward place between friendship and flirtationship, but he acts like he doesn't.

So I decide to have fun with it, "If my ass was distracting you, you should have said something sooner." Playfully looking him up and down, I tap on his chest to send him sitting back how he was when he was tying his laces. "I could have let you run in front."

Shrugging, I give him one last glance before running again -making my beet red roommate scramble after me to try and catch up.

If this was a race, I'd definitely win.

Though I do say "Bit hot innit." and "Mother-duckling!" as well as my arm shaking, I'm still not as chaotic as the stumbling red giant next to me, which I'm somehow grateful for.

Without warning, with a deep and scruffy yet flustered voice, Jasper asks me, "Do y-you, um, do you think that a llama or an octopus would look better with a top hat?"

And he stutters.

And it's so cute.

And fuck, I laugh then go red then laugh some more -pausing the run just to try and catch my breath.

"You cute, clumsy, Jitterbug," I snicker out, shoving his shoulder lightly. "Can you not- -bit hot innit!- -go red for a single moment?"

Jasper bites his lip, gulping hard. "J-Jitterbug?"

"Nervous, kinda jumpy." Trying not to smirk harder doesn't work and I find myself chuckling at him as the cute oblivious idiot pouts just like he did when Vivianna called him out on just that -being a cute oblivious idiot.

"I'm not jumpy."

"You didn't let me finish," Stepping closer to him- -absolutely annoyed that I have to look up, that I stand just under his chin- -making him gulp. "You're jumpy."

I raise my hand to his jaw, causing his minty eyes to widen.

"And nervous."

Now I gently place my thumb on his lower lip, making him gasp softly as I bring his face closer to mine. His breath comes out shakily and honestly? I can't even blame him, if I wasn't willing to tease him like this, my knees might have just given out.

"And absolutely adorable."

Raising up on my toes, I get right in his face making his already blushing cheeks go bright red.

Being this close, it was honestly addictive.

For obvious reasons, them being that Jasper smelled really good, he was, in fact, drop dead gorgeous. And if I never got this close, I wouldn't have noticed how the freckles that stain his cheeks also run over the bridge of his nose and eyelids or how in those beautiful minty eyes, there's flecks of brown.

Or that he has dimples.

Managing to smirk, I say "And also oblivious." and give his lips one last glance before dropping my hold on him and stepping back.

With a victorious smirk, knowing exactly what I just did and enjoying his flushed confusion, I motion for him to follow me.

We still have a run to go on after all.

He decided that we were still going to work out after that.

By that I mean he decided to work out in front of me and me being me, decided to stay by him and talk as I watched.

When truly, I think he just wanted to get his nervous energy out.

Jitterbug it is, I think that's gonna stick.

"Hypothetically speaking, if heaven exists and I make it there, won't I be able to do everything I wanted as a gift?" Vivianna asks this, sitting next to me and munching on clementine's.

Laughing, I'm interrupted by a squeak, the musician glances at me and huffs, furiously doing push ups again.

The joke is really on him, because the more annoyed- -turned on?- -he gets the sweater he gets while showing off all his muscles, him being both hot and shirtless, these are all bonuses to me.

"So, again, hypothetically speaking, will I be allowed to fuck God?" Jasper chokes at my follow up question for a second, pausing, and that gives me the perfect opportunity to mess with him more. "I feel like he's a bottom."

I say this knowing very well that the giant in front of me just has to be a bottom, because there's no way in hell a top would let themselves be controlled and made as flustered without getting their way like I did earlier.

Grumbling, turning red again, minty eyes glance at me through his lashes, black hair stuck to his forehead. "That thought right there is exactly why you won't be making it there."

"Fine," I say, more than amused. "God will just have to dick me down in hell."

But all I'm saying is that there are definitely faster, less painful options for that kind of thing.

"I like your voice and the fact you're talking, Amazing Roommate," Vivianna tells me, flicking part of the peel at me. "But it's weirding me out."

Suggestive grin dropping, I raise an eyebrow at her.

She shrugs, "You're short compared to the dudes around me. You're obviously gay and kinda um...not weak but you know, a teeny tiny, weensy weenie twink machine!" The weirdo pokes me in the arm, making me wrinkle my nose and scoff at her. "No touchie touchie, okay, then. Anyway, please, inform me how you manage to look like an edgy twink and still be a deep-voice hot top at the same time."

Hot?

Yeah right.

"Be tired," I shrug. "Be gay."

"And how do you get your hair to do the attractive floof thing?"

"Uh..." Glancing to Jasper, who has stopped moving and is glaring flatly at his best friend, I come up short. "You'll notice that one of my special skills is ending conversations so..."

Vivianna laughs, so at least I know I didn't offend her.

"I know you still wanted to go to the café afterwards, guys, but I probably look all gross now." The musician says, frowning down to himself. "Are you still okay with going with me? I could always just give you my card Viv and wait outside for you guys."

His best friend snickers but I can't even laugh, my lips just part and I swear I could have a stroke trying to think of how he thinks he looks bad right now.

I mean...just no.

If anything the unpresentable one is me, and not for any real reason other than I'm just breathing in this gorgeous man's presence.

"Jasper?" I gruff out, rolling my eyes at him and standing off the bench.

My roommate looks at me expectedly, "Um, yeah?"

"Fuck off and-" I growl. "-come on."

Jasper freezes and crosses his arms over his chest, shrinking in on himself like he thinks I'm going to be scared of him if he so much as mutters a "Fuck off." in reply.

God, if only he knew the men in my family.

Sure, of course Selene is the one girl who looks like my dad and chose to go into the army but I just had to be the one guy who's like Mom and I what -decide to be a cook?

I know I don't look scary at all, he doesn't know I have tattoos and to him, I'm just a short twink, but I can kick ass.

Dad taught me to fight before I reached 6th grade to deal with bullies, Mom taught me how to verbally destroy someone at the same time I'll tell them how to get better. Atlas has been my Mistlefoe- -we fight, not kiss, under the mistletoe in my family- -since I was 11 and he was 17.

That means I know how to throw a guy three times my size over my head and body slam him onto the ground, I know how to fight five guys at once and win.

Besides, I'm a gay guy with Tourette's who wears glasses.

Either you get beat up by me or you beat me up and either way, you lose. It's an instant disadvantage.

Tilting my head at Jasper, I sigh before grabbing his arm and pulling him to my side. "You need to learn to-" I squeak. "-get out of your head so much, big guy."

"What do you mean?" The musician says, voice small.

"You always shrink in on yourself like you're gonna get verbally a-" A tic sends my forehead smacking in his bicep, making me pause and grumble but continue, noticing how Vivianna locks arms with her best friend on the other side. "You do it like you're waiting for bad news and- -mother ducklings- -it's kinda...upsetting."

Seeing the defeated look in his eyes, I quickly correct myself.

"Not to be around, to experience. I mean, you're tall but you're as scary as a mango smoothie to the face." Which is really, truly, only scary for the mangoes. "Also, you don't look bad."

Jasper pouts again, seeming to disagree with me, and raises his hand to touch his jaw.

Vivianna, squealing as she sees the guy with the coffee cart, Under Eye Tea Bags, is now traded out for the smoothie cart guy, Everything's Slush.

This gives me the opportunity to not so openly and quite...perfectly, prove my point.

Switching to walk in front of him a few steps, he takes the cue and instantly stops walking, eyes uncertainly flicking between my own before glancing above my head.

I'm not going to question it.

Rocking on my heels, I lean into him. "Jasper?"

His attention is instantly, and completely, caught by me.

"Yeah?"

"Why do you think you need to act like you're not intimidating?" My pause is unintentional as my shoulders tense up, making the rest of me tense too. "Take over the world before someone decides to take it over for you."

His best friend excitedly shoves smoothies into Jasper's hands -having picked up I don't like being handed things.

She's surprisingly accepting everything odd about me and hasn't asked a single question.

Though she has learned if she chirps at me, I'll chirp back without being able to stop myself and when I've been silent for 'too long' she does just that.

Even I'll admit I find that a little funny.

"Hey, Awesome Roommate, do ya' know what's poppin'?" Vivianna asks us as soon as we get situated at our table, me in my original chair meaning the two best friends are amusingly squished together.

Is that how we looked sitting next to each other? I didn't feel squished.

Poppin' as in pills or as in what's up?

"Uh..." Not knowing how to answer, I just shrug and glance to Jasper -who is looking bemused at her and shaking his head slightly to himself.

"That's right, you know-" I know? News to me. "-but why do you only call Jazz Jasper?"

"Oh, I mean, I know his full name." He curses himself using his full name in order to achieve a proper scolding.

It's funny and cute how he grumbles, so much so that most of the time I just stop what I'm doing and just listen to him.

I tell Vivianna that, the grumbling part, not the part about me finding it cute, before asking, "It's Jasper-Alaric, right?"

She nods, smiling widely.

I chuckle, "That's a mouthful."

Jasper's cheeks flame up again as he groans- -I don't appreciate the noise, but I like it- -and puts his face in his hands, "Oh my god. I'm so sorry." What is this fucker apologizing for? "I didn't know I did that! You probably think I'm such a freak."

See, I really want to tell him that in my family, there's nothing wrong with being a freak, but Vivianna starts talking before I could. "Now, J, what's his name?" She points to me.

He literally introduced us, what is she on?

"I-It's Cas?" Unlike when he was flustered and red, this time when he stammers I know it's from anxiety.

"It's part of my name," I quickly tell him, trying to relieve the tension in his shoulders. "But not all of my first one. Don't worry about it-" I squeak. "-nobody calls by my full one. Just Cas."

Catching on, Vivianna grins and wiggles her eyebrows at me, kinky hair jumping along with her excitement. "Just Cas and...?"

"Cassie." I say, raising an eyebrow at her. "I'm called Cassie too."

Only because as babies, Circe and Noelle were convinced I was a girl too and honestly, I don't give a fuck because the memory of us being five and my parents trying to explain that there's a difference between males and females is funny. Especially considering at that point, Uncle Jem decided to tell them there were people who weren't either and that confused them more.

Growing up, I didn't give a fuck.

In high school, I didn't give a fuck.

Now, I don't give a fuck.

What I do give a fuck about, however and annoyingly, is how hot Jasper makes my body feel by just meeting my eye, flushing and looking away -mouthing my nickname.

"Cassie? Oh-mah-gawd!" Vivianna squeals, going to pinch my cheeks but I catch her wrist and give her a warning look. Instantly she respects the boundary, pulling away to bounce excitedly in her seat while pulling on Jasper's arm instead. "Can I please call you that? That is so cute and god, just, wow man, what a catch."

"Right a catch." I snort but don't say anything else, swirling my smoothie in hand before sniffing it.

Is there pomegranate in this? It smells like it...

They don't know I'm allergic.

They don't know I'm allergic.

Maybe I'll finally get to see what it tastes like without someone forcing me to spit it up, wash my mouth or knock it out of my hand.

If I have one goal in life, it's to eat the only thing I'm allergic to and consciously remember it. The one and only time I have, I felt so sick that I just passed out.

The school nurse said I puked a lot, but I do have an EpiPen in the apartment and I do know if I get to that fast enough, they won't even notice.

"Is there any pomegranate in this?" I ask, trying to keep the glee out of my voice and the smirk off my face. Circe isn't here to stop me! "Just asking..."

"Yeah! I hope you like it, it's my favorite flavor and-"

I'm well aware that Vivianna continues to ramble but I'm much more interested in the drink and don't hesitate to lift the straw to my mouth and take a big drink.

"Wow this actually isn't bad." I hum absentmindedly to myself. "If this is the last thing I ever taste, I won't even be upset about it."

"Odd sentiment," Vivianna giggles out. "But obviously, no judgement from me."

Should I tell them?

Maybe, in case they want to stay out here for a while...

Licking my lips, taking another drink, I ask them, "When do you plan on going back to the dorm?"

"Whenever you want." Jasper smiles helpfully.

"Oh good," I laugh, drinking again before raising the cup up. "Cause I'm hella allergic to this and I should probably find my EpiPen."

They both make a noise close to disbelief but they're both quite loud and chaotic.

"Cas!" My roommate growls out, grabbing me by the sides and hauling me up. I squeak, trying to squirm out of his hold but the giant knocks the cup out of my hand and dips down -throwing me over his shoulder. "What the hell."

"I think it's worth it, if he survives," His best friend adds helpfully. "These smoothies are really good."

"I second that."

Jasper makes a noise close to a growl, making me huff and squirm more. "Why would you put yourself in danger like this?"

"I can walk!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes the fuck-" I growl. "-I can!"

"No you can't, because you can't make good decisions, apparently."

Gripping onto his waist for support, I stubbornly glare at his muscled back. "I can make decisions just fine. We have an hour before I potentially die, and a bit before I throw up."

The musician just keeps fuming but I stay silent, knowing this is exactly the kind of anger my family would have.

And to think, this day was going really well.