Those who restrain desire do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.

Our routine was interrupted.

And it was interrupted by a girl jumping onto Jasper, crushing him in a hug while laughing a bit too loudly.

She reminded me of my Uncle Kace the second I saw her. Hazel eyes, blacked hair in kinky curls, clearly snarky as almost the second she clung to him the two started arguing.

Jasper sounded mad, sure, but his eyes lit up in a way they didn't light up around me and I knew he was happy to see her.

They're friends, that much is clear.

"Get off, you ugly gremlin!" Jasper snarls, trying to shrug her off but she just grips him tighter.

"I'm a beautiful gremlin, Jazz and my name is Queen Vivianna, thank you very much."

Her name is Vivianna, she thinks she's a queen, my roommate thinks she's a gremlin and I just think she's a little...eccentric.

So basically, this girl is weird and loud.

Yet she looks fun and if my family is anything to go by, usually those three things- -gremlin or not- -tend to go hand in hand.

The musician apologizes before slapping her forehead, causing her to grumble and push herself away from him. "All this time I thought it was Queen Dumb Bitch."

"That's my middle name." She tells him back just as cockily, sporting a shit-eating grin.

See, we were having a really peaceful morning. I was calm and there were a few times a tic interrupted me but it was nothing like how I usually act when my public anxiety kicks in just by being looked at by someone I don't know.

My mornings with Jasper are...they're nice.

Usually we don't go to his building first, his friends have classes there and I doubt he actually wants me to meet them -I'm just his weird roommate after all.

Does he want me to leave...?

I know instantly they have been talking, it seems maybe about me, when I zone back in and manage to take in Jasper half-standing in front of me like a human shield to protect me from Vivianna's eyes.

Fiddling nervously, I twist my fingers together and feel my nose wrinkle as I look away from Jasper's magnificently built back.

Did he have to be made so handsome and tall and then actively decide to make himself that strong too?

First of all, that wasn't fair to anyone around because now we all look like a potato shaped like a human.

Secondly, I know I'm not a weak guy but I'm not even six foot and I'm a running back. I'm lean, deceptively strong and tall compared to a lot of people but this guy manages to make me look like a boy pretending to be a man.

"Fucking kill joy. I was just gonna ask him what's poppin'."

"You absolutely were not," My roommate snorts, crossing his arms. "I saw that look in your eyes."

"What if I was checking him out, huh, J?" The girl asks this and it makes me tic even more nervously, shoulders tensing as my head dips to the side.

People who are around gay people all the time pick up on my exhausted queer vibe but a lot of people can't.

I'm already a football player with Tourette's and the last time one of my football teams knew I was gay, I had to quit for the rest of the semester until the 'rumor' stopped.

Lets just say the guys on my team aren't even half that accepting.

"Ah, I see. You found your butterfly, huh?"

Jasper bristles and I don't see what expression he has on but it obviously is an unhappy one.

Should I be thankful he doesn't think I'm someone to check out, offended or should I just be walking away if they plan to argue about whatever 'butterfly' means?

They continue to argue, both sounding like everything they're saying has some inside meaning that I can't understand. I have no clue what butterflies have to do with this, I don't know who Ahmik is or why Jasper sounds so offended that someone was checking me out.

And I also seriously doubt she even checked me out.

That could just be the gay in me speaking.

Vivianna then leans around Jasper, bending awkwardly at the knees to do so, and waves excitedly at me. "Hi!"

Blinking at her excitement, a bit surprised at how much she reminds me of my older brother- -Adonis, not Atlas, Atlas is a dick and Adonis is just really fucking weird and loud- -I manage to nod politely in reply.

I think a part of me will always be scared that strangers are going to judge me and the worst thing about that is it, just like now, makes me tic more.

Glancing back to the usual table we sit at, I clench my jaw.

Nothing about my thought process when I'm anxious ever goes well, because right now I want to do three things.

Sit down and drink coffee.

Run away.

Hug Jasper.

None of these three things seem particularly appropriate at the moment, I was just introduced and like to stick to schedules but now I'm intruding on Jasper's time with his friend -you know, one of the two I don't think he wanted me to meet.

There are other reasons to avoid them when I'm with him, like wanting to be alone, thinking they're too weird for me, or scared they'll embarrass him, but none of those seem as likely as him just not wanting his friends around a freak show roommate.

Jasper is really, really nice.

Suspiciously so.

Yet I can't help but to want to be around that niceness, even if I don't necessarily believe it's the same way on his end.

Then the musician tells his friend to sit down, she does so in our spot, in my chair, and he turns to me.

This is definitely when he's going to ask me to leave.

Expecting this, I just continue to stare up at him- -him and his stupid height- -but I can't help but to like the look in those minty eyes, even if I don't like the thoughts in my mind at the moment.

"I know she kinda ambushed the both of us, and that you don't know Viv at all, but she's not as crazy as she seems, I promise. Are you, um, are you comfortable having her sit with us? If not, she'll understand, our families are really good about respecting boundaries and of course I want to respect yours and if you're not comfortable or something bothered you, you don't even have to tell me why, just that you want to leave or not be around something-- not that I'm saying you aren't capable of establishing boundaries yourself but some people get really nervous about that and, and... I'm rambling, sorry."

As he speaks, Jasper rubs the back of his head sheepishly, and just everything about this is surprising to me.

He's not asking me to leave, or politely telling me he wants alone time.

He wants me to stay.

And if I don't want to stay, he'd have his friend- -his friend- -leave.

"Um... coffee? Sitting? Yes?"

God, he's so cute and nice and -fuck me. No, no, tuck the gay panic away. You're fine.

I take a breath in, giving him a nod. "Yeah, it's okay. I won't be talking-" I growl, as if proving my own point. "-much though."

Jasper smiles at me, a genuine one that makes it hard for me to do anything else but give him a small smile back.

My attention focused on him, I realize how in control I actually feel.

That's a good feeling.

"That's okay!" Jasper's voice is deeper and strained, making me trade my smile out for a frown as the musician spins around with flushed cheeks.

Did I embarrass him somehow?

It takes a few seconds, but I follow after him.

"Viv will talk enough for the both of you."

One look at the weird girl, grinning at her friend like she just discovered who killed JFK, and I know I believe that. She and Adonis would either get along, or hate each other -how people who are alike tend to act.

Having to pause at the fact Vivianna is in my chair, I'm a bit relieved when Jasper, without even looking at me, picks up a chair with one hand and puts it down directly next to his -all while dumping his friend's feet off his own.

"So, why are you blushing, Jazz?" She leans forward as he takes a seat, eyeing him up and down quizzingly.

"None of your fucking business." The musician grumbles out, minty eyes glaring -but, and I know I only know this because I'm staring at him, due to her asking him, he just got redder.

And that?

I found that cute.

"Viv, meet Cas," He introduces me, making me nod at her again. "He's my really cool roommate! Oh! He has like, a ton of books and he organizes things really well, the dorm looks really nice and he lets me go on runs with him-"

Flustered me misses everything he continues to say and physically, I know that he's rambling and excited but mentally, all I can think is that he thinks I'm cool and now, how he likes living with me and how now, I'm also thinking of how he looks after runs.

In other words, I'm imagining him shirtless and sweaty.

Vivianna says something about how he hasn't changed the rambling at all, but I'm still all too flustered to comprehend it truly or put my opinion into the conversation.

Not that my opinion is exactly appropriate at the moment.

"I can't help it, everything is just -everything is just, it just gets too messed up in my head and moves too fast so I can't...yeah. Sorry. Um, proper introductions, right."

Though my body doesn't calm down at his defensive tone and softly timed words, my mind catches up and I can only stare at my frowning roommate with a clenched jaw and worried eyes.

What did I miss in that short time that made him feel bad?

Sometimes, I worry about him.

Not because I doubt Jasper can take care of himself, he absolutely can, but because someone like him- -him with his intimidating stature and powerful energy, him, a 6'5" giant, with a built frame, him who is clearly able to break most people in half- -cowering in on themself is concerning.

He bends in on himself to make himself appear shorter, he's so nice at times he probably shouldn't be and he hides his really cute, full grin behind a small smile all the time.

Logically, I know I shouldn't think this, but it reminds me of a vampire trying to hide fangs.

It makes me wonder if maybe, if I made him more comfortable, he'd be everything he could be.

I've noticed how he straightens when he walks away from me, the difference in his eyes when he sees his friends than how he looks at me, how he tries- -and he does try, I know that, the men in my family do the same around people they think are scared of them- -to appear weaker than he is.

There has to be something I can do to change that.

If he's doing that, it means somethings going on with him in his head that is changing the way he acts and trust me, I know that stuff matters more than most.

Any day, I'd rather have a better mental state and a broken bone than a broken bone and a fucked up mental.

Things like that are easier to fix.

While I think, my ticing gets worse to the point I know Vivianna has to have noticed something, but that's just because I'm nervous now -for two reasons.

Jasper leans back in his seat, arms crossing over his arms and fuck me, because he flexes and rolls his shoulders back and then I'm red again.

"Viv, as I said, this is the awesome Cas." Why did he say it like that? Doesn't the outrageously hot guy realize what he's doing? "Cas, this is Viv, my best friend and total weirdo."

I'm interrupting two best friends?

That's a bit worse than what I was thinking.

"If she offers you a drink, you most likely don't want to take it, not because it's drugged but because last time I did it was pickle juice, mayo, and a vanilla milkshake all mixed together in a disgusting orgy of flavors."

Orgy of flavors.

I could make so many jokes about that.

Blinking at him, I force myself to calm down and twitch as he meets my eyes but then quickly glances down. Going to speak, but deciding not to as a growl comes out instead, leaving my lips parted as I continue to stare at him. He's looking at my-

But then he's just -he looks away.

And for some reason that makes me feel a little small.

"Uh huh, so..." Vivianna smirks, breaking me from my thoughts. "Jazz's awesome roommate, how are you?"

Ticing, my hands raise to show her two thumbs up- -which is a normal reply- -but then I chirp at her too -which is not.

Looking confused but accepting, she smiles widely at me and chirps right back.

I chirp even louder then flush at the embarrassment of the situation as she turns and sends Jasper a look that is clearly a plea for help. I don't blame her, even I don't know what to do right now because of that.

He distracts her, thankfully, by calling her an ugly bird.

It does take me a minute to connect that she's a ugly bird because she chirped and that he wasn't just pulling out a bad insult out of nowhere. I am disappointed in myself for that.

But mostly I'm relieved that she's not going to question it anymore.

That I won't have to explain.

After being teased for a few more minutes, she holds up her cup and wiggles it around. "So, I got my drink, where's your guys'?"

"Oh no! I forgot, I'm sorry. I'll go get them now, shit, where's my-" He pats down his pockets before finding his wallet, sending me a victorious smile as he does so. "-aha! Your usual drink, right? Right. Okay, I'll go get them now."

I go to nod but then this cute motherfucker in front of me grips my jaw lightly in one hand and kisses me on the forehead.

And then walks away like nothing happened.

Turning bright red- -red enough a potato looks yellow next to me- -I cover my mouth with my hands saying, "Bit hot innit?" at least three times while I try to calm down.

It doesn't work and one look at Vivianna, who promptly bursts into laughter at my reaction, is enough for me to wallow in my seat, head in hands, until I'm certain I'm not so red.

By the time Jasper is back, I'm normal.

Well, normal as I can be.

He puts my coffee in front of me, handing me the straw -which, for some reason, almost instantly makes me nervous.

My head twitches to the side and I squeak, about to tell him I think I'm going to explode the cup if I have to stab the straw in it- -something I have done on more than one occasion- -but before I can the musician silently grabs it and does it fore me.

I smile gratefully at him, he misses it by pointedly turning to his best friend.

"There's your answer," Jasper says, amused. "Our drinks are right here."

"Ah, thank you for relieving that curiosity," Sighing dramatically, Vivianna flops sideways into her seat before perking right by up enthusiastically. "Oh! Also, you are oblivious as hell."

Yeah, he definitely is.

Nobody that fine stares at a person's lips, kisses their forehead and makes them go that red then walks away without follow-through unless they're completely oblivious.

I notice a lot and I might be a nervous little shit who doesn't like to move fast but I'm not oblivious.

"Urm...about?" Jasper tilts his head like a confused puppy. "Wait, I'm sorry, did I mess something up? I was trying to pay attention and didn't mean to upset you or-"

Oh my god he really doesn't know.

He's treating me like a really good friend and calling me awesome one minute then acts like a boyfriend.

Jasper Red is oblivious.

I find that funny.

Vivianna continues to call him out on it without cluing him in before turning to me, waving a hand in my direction. "Your butterfly over here knows what's poppin'."

Well, I might know some things but the emotionally superior feeling ends as soon as I realize I don't know why the fuck I'm a butterfly but Jasper definitely straightens his spine at those words.

Turning to me with a small pout- -one that makes me want to just tell him everything I know, consequences be damned- -the musician searches my eyes. It's a little amusing, but it's mostly just hot and adorable at the same time.

If he doesn't get really ugly and mean really fast, this year is going to be harder for me than I first predicted.