When I wake up the next morning, I am not so sure that it's morning anymore.

I rub my face against my pillow willing my sensory system to wake up so I can. I groan as I roll over squinting my eyes at the light that's trying to get through my skin. I reach over to try to feel for Josie, but all I feel is empty covers.

I am up just like that, searching the room for her but it turns out empty. No note no nothing, I could have been convinced that was all a dream if I couldn't smell the vanilla and lavender on my bed.

I sit up against my headboard and sigh, letting my eyes roam the room once more almost as if I cant control them myself.

Well fuck.

I have to force my limbs to put in what feels like extremely grueling work to stand up. I walk over to my bedside drawer and take out the jar that has gotten me through many other shit feeling situations.

I light myself one, and make quick work of it before getting up and going to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for the day.

I turn on my phone to read that it's 11:34.

Two missed facetimes from Pen Park.

Damn.

I will call her after I get home from some intense workout I will use as a coping mechanism.

With that I grab my duffle bag and head out into the woods. 

I walk into the woods where I have been so many times before. Where I have been training since I was 13.

Its a small clearing on flat ground. Theo and Val put work into this place so it would be good to practice.

Two dummies named Brad and Chad used for hand to hand combat, are cemented into the earth below them. There is also a punching bag attached to a thick tree branch hanging not to far away.

I know that before I can start getting into more straining work I have to warm up. 

I grab my headphones out of my bag and put them on my head, just hoping if I turn the music all the way up my brain wont have the capacity to occupy itself any other way.

I put on the one playlist I know will bring my into my own realm again.

Early 2000's rock starts ringing through my ears, thanks to my parents and their love of music I was exposed to songs I could feel unapologetically angry with.

I put on the necklace that Josie made me so I don't feel invincible and I can feel the fatigue in my muscles.

I start at a slow speed, getting the muscles in my body willing to work with me before putting all of my strength out of my body.

I break out into a dead sprint. Jumping over fallen trees and rocks that are in my way, punching any tree that gives me the wrong feeling in the process.

I cant tell you why I am angry in this moment, maybe its the heightened emotions, or just maybe its that I am attaching my emotions to the theme of the music I am listening to.

I feel the pain in my ribs, feeling like my lungs are grating against them.

I still don't stop.

I can feel my lungs starting to seize in my chest. I feel like I cant breathe but that doesn't matter.

My legs are burning and I feel the knot that is forming in the bottom of my left calf, warning my body of the incoming cramp.

I run until my brain is begging for more oxygen than what it is receiving. It feels like I am about to explode.

I let it happen.

I scream into the barren air that surrounds me. Only the old trees there listening to the cry.

Just when my lungs cant produce anything more I stop.

My legs are shaken and I cant help but fall to my knees feeling them give out from under me.

My knees sink into the damp soil below and I feel my pants cling to me as the water starts to get through the material. But I don't care.

It felt so good in the moment that I actually smile. I smile even though no one is watching me, like I am the only person in the world at the moment.

But feelings like that don't last forever, and I am soon brought back to reality when there's a song switch.

It was good while it lasted.

I get up and start to jog back to the clearing with an even and emotionless face.

I feel like I just let out the all the emotions that could burden for the next week, so in turn I feel almost numb.

I arrive to the spot and get right into fighting position. I start hammering my fists into the bag in a routine that I have known for 5 years.

It looks robotic, and feels like it too.

I am going through the motions, I am putting forth proficient effort, but there is not a thought behind the movements.

I am starting to think maybe that yelling thing wasn't a good idea.

I used to have a problem, when things got to be too much, I would ignore every emotion that I was feeling.

With an outburst like that it doesn't surprise me that I have gone back to old habits.

I am not worried about my humanity, because although I am ignoring my emotions I care about other peoples.

When that stops, that's the start of a problem.

After two hours of going through the motions, I've decided I have had enough.

I pack everything, except my headphones that I am still wearing, inside my bag and sling the rough material over my shoulder.

I decide not to take off my necklace because I want to feel the ache in my muscles I have worked so hard for.

I also realize that I wont heal as quickly, meaning the open wounds on my knuckles will have to do.

I decide to walk to the kitchen to get some food.

My music is still blasting in my ears when I turn around the doorframe to enter.

I see Josie and Finch standing in close proximity.

I pretend like I haven't seen them and walk past them to get to the pantry. I grab a loaf of bread and walk to the fridge to grab the spinach and turkey.

I lean against the fridge and start assembling my sandwich the best I can while they are taking up the countertop I planned to use.

I can't hear a word they are saying since my music is at a volume that should be absolutely deteriorating my eardrums.

A perk to being a hybrid, that heals.

I am about to take a bite when someone grabs my shoulder. I turn to see who it is when I see Josie.

She tries to say something but I cant hear it. I point to the headphones in my ears to show that I cant hear her, and I am not really in the mood.

I try to turn around but in the middle of my twist the music that I have been using to distract myself is only a fraction as loud as it was.

She ripped off my headphones.

"What the hell Josie." I say as I lift my hands up in frustration.

When I have my hands up she sees my knuckles and grabs my hand gently.

"What the hell happened Cypress."

"I was just working out." I say as I turn around.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better about the blood on your hands."

In response I turn around and take off the necklace and put it on the counter. I walk over to the sink and wash the blood away. Revealing healed hands and lifting them up to show her as I make my way back to my sandwich.

"There. See, all fixed. I'm a hybrid Josie, remember."

I say as I take a big bite of my sandwich.

"Why are you acting like this Cypress?"

"Acting like what."

"I don't know, like you're not yourself."

"Josie, I don't really want to do this right now. Can I just eat my sandwich please."

"No, you can't" She scoffs as she grabs my sandwich out of my hand.

"What was that for?" I say with an offended look on my face.

"You'll get it back when you tell me what's going on."

"There's nothing going on." I say much too quickly.

"Then why have you only used my full name, what's going on in that head of yours, and why are you acting so different from last night?" She's using a gentle tone.

"Listen, I just don't really feel anything right now okay."

She grabs my hands in a frantic manor with a worried look in her eye.

"What does that mean, what did you do?"

"No its not like that, I didn't turn my humanity off okay. I just don't feel like feeling anything right now, its more like a numbing thing."

"That sounds an awful lot like a humanity switch."

"It's not." She doesn't look convinced. "Really it isn't is still care about things... people."

She narrows her eyes and cocks her head to the side while lifting an eyebrow.

"Cypress what does that even mean, why did you make it sound so ominous."

There's a dawning of realization on her face.

"Meaning you don't care about me?"