"You're being foolish," Tsar said as I paced the garden. Mayhaps I was being a little silly. But my nerves were on fire, not knowing was eating me alive.

It had been three days. A pigeon had flown threw with a message saying that the group was safe and resting a few miles from where King John's men were and that they should be there by daybreak tomorrow. That means by midday some men will have lost their lives. And one of those men could be Edward.

I nibbled on my lip, looking towards my best friend, trying to find some sort of solace in his words, but it was mute. My heart still raced.

"Oh, my lord, you look rather troubled." Said a voice from behind Taz, I glanced over to see Alexander, who stood with his shaggy brown hair pulled into a tight knot at the back on his head.

Alexander had been helping keep the castle in shape during the day and sleeping at the church. He had told us he was a keeper in Blaire and that he was the only person alive from his family. A wealthy family at that, but King John had taken all his fortune, and now the young man had nothing. But he wasn't opposed to working, which was nice to hear.

The night we had met him, he had told Tsar and I about his home. How he worked to help sell crops in the fields, and that his family had made good money for it. They were well known and made a good name for themselves. And unfortunately, their home was also on the cusp of the kingdom and was the first raided.

"I had run into the forest." He said, his hands tight between his thighs as he looked from Taz and I, his eyes glossing with emotions. "My father and younger brother Jeremiah were in the fields, I was back in the house with mother and Gretta, they had just finished getting milk from our cow." He shook his head with a smile. "Such a stupid cow. Gretta had named it Elsa. But come the winer' that would cow would be in our bellies." He stopped to sigh, taking a cloth from his breast pocket and dabbing his tearful eyes.

"We had heard father shout. I looked as they held Jeremiah by the neck. The boy was only ten. He did no harm to others. He cried when we killed the animals for food. He was harmless. I tried to get mother and Gretta out the backdoor, but mother had fallen, and Gretta wouldn't leave her behind. It was too late, they were knocking the door down. It took everything in me to run, but I knew if I didn't I wouldn't be able to warn the others." He stopped again, his hands balling into fists now as they sat on his thighs. "But I was on foot, and they had horses. It was no match. By the time I had reached the next home they were already leaving. I had no choice but to run."

"They raided Blaire nearly two fortnights ago," Tsar whispered, his eyes as wide as mine. "You haven't slept in a month?"

"Aye," He said, looking at us both, and now that Tsar had pointed it out, the other man looked rather ghastly, bags hung under his eyes, his hair unkempt, clothes in tatters.

He had rested well that night and had new clothes that the priest had gifted him.

"Yes, just a little distracted. We've gotten word on the men we sent forth. They will be in battle by the morning. I have close friends out there. It's unsettling." Alexander nodded, taking a seat on the bench with my father's name engraved into it.

"The unknown can be rather unsettling." He nodded in agreement, and I frowned sitting beside him.

"My apologies, I'm being insensitive. How are you feeling today? Have you slept well?" Though his first night was rested from exhaustion, the father had said he could hear Alexander speaking to himself in prayed late into the night, and that the nun who watched the halls during the night informed him of moaning from his chambers like he was in pain.

The nun had caught Alexander mid fit as he slept, and had woken him up.

"I had slept much better last night, thank you for asking my lord."

"You do not need to call me lord, you can simply call me I-"

"Sorry me lord," Juanita said as she walked into the courtyard. "I have been sent out to fetch Tsar." She smiled, looking towards my squire "The lady of the house awaits your help with her hymns. The queen also asks that you start your practice soon me' lord. She hasn't heard you playing since before the men have left, and she says he misses your music."

"Music?" Alexander asked, perking up in his seat. "You play music? What do you play?"

"Piano, mostly," I said, leaning back on the stone hedging that circled the shrubs of the garden. "I can play the violin as well, but I prefer the piano."

He nodded, standing up. "I would love to watch you play sometime." He said with a smile, grabbing his belongings, a small basket, before walking away.

I frowned as I watched him go. I never had someone else watch me play music unless they were family or Edward. And the idea of somebody else watching me play outside of an audience made me uncomfortable, and I didn't like anyone watching me in such an intimate position. The music was something that I held close to myself. From time to time I would play during dinner parties. 

I made my way inside the castle, shivering at the sudden heat that hit my skin. The music room was three floors up, in the tower. The hallow room made the piano sound better, I had it moved up there years ago, after one night Harlow and I had brought our instruments to the tower as a joke. But once we had heard the acoustics we had made it our spot. 

I walked to the tower, where I had spent the next hour playing before calling it a night. But afterwards, I had felt much better. More relaxed with everything that was going on in my life.

I had tried to mind my own the next morning. I woke up before the sun broke the sky, and laid in my bed until I heard the first bird sing. And with the song, I felt my stomach churn. It wasn't just hunger, but there was worry as well. I had slept well during the night. But he was always there in the back of my mind. 

He was out there.

He was fighting right now.

Tears tried to prick my eyes as I pictured my lover in battle, a sword-swinging in the air, knocking men off their horses as he let out a battle cry. Mud on his face, dirt on his armour. I wondered how his night as gone, had he slept?

What if he got hurt?

What if he got killed?

No. I refused to think about it.

I threw the covers off of myself and hurried to get ready and leave my chambers, making it down to the garden, sitting at the fountain. I looked down at the flower peddles that landed into the water, dancing slowly with the fish.

"You look sad my lord."

I turned around to see Alexander, standing there with his long hair down over his shoulders. I just sighed, turning back around to look at the water. 'Yes, perhaps I am."

"May I say something that I have been thinking, as long as I do not lose my head?" He was beside me now. I nodded, looking at him with a side-eye. "Is it wrong to assume, that you have more than a friend out there?"

I looked at him quickly, my brows meeting together as my face grew hot. "Before you jump." He said, holding his hands up. "I will let you know, my lover was named Matthew, and we were together for many years before we called an end to our relationship."

I looked at him, my mouth opening a moment before closing again. "I'm sorry to hear that," I said softly, sitting down on a nearby bench. "Yes, someone special to me is out there. I can't settle the worry I have about it."

Alexander nodded, sitting down alongside of me, his hands clasped in his lap. "It's a cruel world." He started, slow lying rubbing his hands together. "First, God punishes me by having me lust for man. And as a punishment for that, he takes away my family."

I shook my head, reaching over to take a hand in his."Your family dying was not your punishment. We are God's children and he does not give us what we can not survive. He would not make you a man who lusts for man and then punish you for it. That is not his way."

For a moment, Alexander looked at our intertwined hands, before giving mine a squeeze. "You truly believe that?" He asked, his voice just above a whisper.

"I truly do."

And we sat there in silence, a hand in a hand. My mind finally clearing some of the fog that was my worry of Edward.