The weather had been dreadful the next day. The rain had started around high tea. It made me wonder how the battle was going. Did the rain mean it had come to an end? The rain was not one's friend when it came to war. It became harder to see, harder to move.

I pondered of what it would be like, had I been born to a different family. Though I was more feminine in my movements, I wondered if that would be my downfall if I had not been brought up with a silver spoon. Would I be forced into war, or to work? Marry a woman and have a family?

I sighed, stepping down the fall into the reading rooms, where my mother was sat, a needle and thread in her hand as she worked on a sheet on her lap.

"Oh my darling," She greeted with a smile. "Do sit with me." She didn't put her work down, but I did as I was told as I sat beside my mother in the chair.

My mother was a gentlewoman, one who I could share all with, though I was sure if she knows my feelings for men she wouldn't wear well. I didn't worry about her never speaking to me again, I was her child, and we had a bond. But my mother wanted grandchildren, she wanted a daughter-in-law, she wanted a big family. And I was her only child. So all of that fell upon me.

Harlow would be married soon enough, and having her own children for my mother to coddle. But it wasn't the same. Not when Harlow's children would not wear the crown of the kingdom.

Many nights I laid awake, wondering how far we would go, Edward and I. To be safe from the eyes of all around us. But then I remembered it was no use. I was a prince, and my life was here.

"You're very quiet, is something wrong?" I looked towards my mother, her brown hair falling in waves down her back. I shook my head. "Oh love." She leaned over, pressing a hand to my cheek. "Your father spoke of you not being well. Are you worried? Nothing to fear. We are safe in the castle." She said, trying to help my nerves with no avail.

"I just worry," I said, looking at the small frame sitting adjacent to me. "I wish I could do more to help." Mother nodded, placing her hand above mine.

"I know my dear. If you had been more interested in the art of battle, your father and I would be more than proud to see you on the field. But you seemed to only enjoy going to matches to see your friends. And you're more than talented enough in music and art. But if that is something you wish, I will not stop you."

I laughed, shaking my head as I gave my mothers hand a squeeze. "No mother, I don't wish to fight in the war. But if I could do more than sit in the castle while they're all fighting."

"You could pray. Pray as hard as you wish for those men. That is what they need at this time. Your prayer will do more than enough to ease not only them but yourself." I faked a smile at my mother, knowing she meant well. But the idea of turning to God to pray for my male lovers' safety did not sit well with me. But it was not as if I could tell my mother that. The fact was that I did say a prayer or two. But I questioned if he listened. Wondered if he knew I was even there, speaking to him

I let out a small sigh careful not to let mother hear it before getting up from the chair, and leaning over and kissing her cheek. "Thank you, mother. "

"Of course my child. I will keep them in my prayers as well. Promise."

Giving her a small smile, I turned away, walking down the hallway, picking at my thumbnail. I could hear the rain still, the sound that rumbled in the sky.

I slept for the rest of the day away. As well as the next. Until I could not be bothered to stay in my room no longer. Tsar had brought food, but my joints ached to move.

"Any word?" I asked Tsar as he and Alexander hung clothes on the line outside the maids' corridor.

"No my lord. A raven had brought a letter earlier this morning. But I've heard no words of what it tells."

"I saw two Ravens. Mayhaps one was of your lover?" Tsar did not flinch at the words leaving Alexander's mouth. Which only made me wonder if my life was a secret of the hallways. I also questioned how close they had been getting if they could have such words. Though Tsar knew very well of Edward and I. And Alex had guessed himself. I would expect Taz to have a bit of reaction from Alexander using the word lover while speaking of men off to war.

"You would be the first to hear," I said, leaning my back on the stone wall of the castle, the sun beaming down on us.

"Alexander and I have given mail duty. If any letters need to be given to loved ones or so forth. We will give you your letter first my lord. You have my word."

Alexander leaned forward, picking the basket of fresh linin off the ground. "My lord, Come with me, I think you need a distraction. I have some books in my chambers, I can take them to yours."

"Books? Yes, I guess I could use an hour or two in the head of someone else. Why not." I said as I nodded, turning towards my chambers, Alex following behind me until he split to leave for his own. I stopped in the kitchen and asked two teas to be sent up before making my way to my up and wait for Alex.

He took a few minutes before arriving in my bedroom. But he came, and true to his words he brought with him a handful of books. "This one I had just finished, it's about two lovers from two sides of the word." He sat the books upon the bed, before sitting beside the pile. We sat for a few hours, reading books together. A few words spoken before Alexander closed the book he was reading.

"I'm getting quite tired," I said, closing the book as well, putting it in my lip. I looked towards Alexander to see he was looking at me, it made me a little weary as he gazed on me, his blue eyes studying me.

"I apologies." He said, stretching his legs as if he was about to stand up. "Yes, I'm feeling very tired as well. I should get back to work, and then perhaps bed." But he made no move to leave, instead, he stayed sat on my bed, I watched him as his eyes shifted back and forth, before he took his hand and moved it towards mine, taking it into his, slowly. As if he wasn't sure if he should or not.

"Tell me about him." He said, his hand squeezing mine lightly. "Tell me about the man whom you miss so dearly, so much that it has you locked in your room for days." I watched him, biting on my lip before nodding my head.

"His name is Edward." I started, my eyes filling with unshed tears at just the thought of my lover. "I've known him since I was just a boy — "

That happened a lot, Alexander would come into my chambers as his work ended, bringing his books with him before we would drift into a conversation about ourselves. Our lovers, our families. I learned much about him, He liked to read because at his farm it was chaos at times, and it was his escape. I had learned much about him. How he liked to read and tell stories to escape what was going on around him, how his mother would sing them songs while they did their chores. He told me how his younger brother had once fallen from a tree and that the bone never set right so his arm was always bent. But that never stopped the boy from being a hard worker.

And he told me about Matthew. And I listened because something about the young man had captured my interest. Alex and Matthew had been together for many years, and Alex had been the one to end things between them.

"We nearly got caught," Alex mumbled to me one night as we lay side by side on my bed top. "I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk him getting hurt. So I did what I thought was best for us both." But he felt guilt over it, apparently, Matthew had taken it much harder than Alexander had meant him to and the young man wouldn't speak to him. Or hadn't been up until a week before the raid.

"I caught his eyes at a meat stall in the village. I was so bloody nervous. But I did it, I went over to him, said hello. He said it back. And we started chatting. It was like old times — I just wish we had done it sooner."

It was true. Between music and reading, I found myself more relaxed, and not noticing the days go by. Or the week. Before long a fortnight was over and I hadn't taken notice. Until the troops that had been sent off were due to come back.

We all stood together in the field outside the castle walls. My stomach turned with the anticipation of Edwards return. I could see the men in the distance, and watched as they came closer, and closer.

Close enough that women ran to their husbands, mothers ran to their sons, fathers patted their children on their backs. Some families fell to their knees and wept at the realization that their child was not in the crowd. And I watched as everyone greeted, everyone cried. I watched as my body became numb and cold.

Because Edward was not among them.