《Talk About the Direct Approach...》Chapter Eighteen: I don't even know
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If there was a mini-fridge located in the closet, I would be perfectly content on staying in my room and thinking this through some more.
It has been exactly twelve hours, thirty two minutes, and nine seconds since I found out I'm in a house with werewolves. And yes, I have been keeping track.
After Tami explained everything—well, almost everything—she left me alone and I stayed locked up, just thinking.
You would think with that much time to think, I would have come to a conclusion. But I didn't. Most of the time, I was sleeping anyways. Sleeping, and waking up every hour. I guess I've kind of become accustomed to Cayton sleeping with me, and it was weird without him. That didn't change my mind though.
Now I'm taking a chance, and leaving the safety of my room to get some breakfast. Or lunch, I guess.
It's not a surprise to find that the whole gang is here. Trenton and Tami are in the living room, cuddled on the couch watching TV, while Hunter and Carter are sitting on the stools. Cayton is across from them looking half asleep.
I briefly wonder if he got about as much sleep as I did.
When I hit the landing, all conversation stops and an awkward silence settles in the room. Everyone is watching me, but I make sure to keep my eyes on my feet. Without a word, I walk to the kitchen.
I can feel all eyes on my back as I skim through the cabinets, making me extremely uncomfortable and a little self-conscious. My hair hasn't seen a brush since yesterday, and I'm still in the same clothes, so I'm not exactly an amazing sight.
I grab a pack of Ramen Noodles. Fill up a pot with water, and set it on the stove to boil.
Awkward, this is so awkward, I think. No one is saying anything, and I still feel their eyes on my back, but I refuse to turn around.
I'm confused at the moment, because I'm not sure whether I'm mad at them for keeping this a secret from me, or if I'm just scared. I think if I was scared though, I wouldn't have had the guts to step out of my room.
I know they had their reasons for not telling me, but that doesn't make it ok.
Then again, I couldn't expect them to have just come out and say 'We're werewolves' in the beginning.
So my feelings toward the subject are completely scattered.
After draining the noodles, mixing in the flavoring, and putting it in a bowl, I head straight for the dining room table, away from everyone.
It doesn't stay that way for long though, because Tami decides to join me.
"How are you feeling?" she asks. I shrug and twirl some noodles around my fork.
"I've been better." And then there's silence again.
'Say something idiot,' Carter says.
'What am I supposed to say?' I reply. This situation couldn't get any worse, or awkward. Macy walks into the kitchen, acting as if none of us are here. Everyone watches her, wondering what she'll do.
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'I don't know. Say something, kiss her, or we can lock you and her into a room if you want.'
'That is a dumb idea.'
'Just trying to help.'
I watch her finish making her food before she walks into the dining room and sits at the table. Maybe I should say something. I just don't know what that something should be. Should I apologize? Or should I do what I do best and try and order her to say something?
Knowing her, that would only make this situation worse.
So I keep my mouth shut as I watch Tami try and talk to her. She doesn't get anywhere, and while Macy is staring at her bowl to avoid looking at us, Tami gives us an exasperated look.
A few more moments pass, before Macy slams her fork down on the table. It takes us all by surprise.
"Would you stop staring at me?" she practically yells, looking at each one of us. Her eyes meet mine, and I swear I see something along the lines of disappointment. I don't get to investigate further because she closes her eyes and shakes her head slightly, before she stomps out of the dining room and back to her room.
We're all in shock for a moment, but Carter says what we're all thinking.
"What the hell just happened?" Unfortunately, no one has an answer.
Conversation goes on around me, but I don't listen. All I can picture is her, looking at me like she's disappointed. Maybe I expected resentment, fear, or maybe anger, but not disappointment.
I tune back into the conversation going on around me when I hear Carter and Hunter arguing over something.
"This is your fault, you know that right," Carter says to Hunter.
"Wait, how is any of this my fault?"
"You and Tami are practically her best friends, and you can't even talk to her," Carter shrugs.
"Don't pin this on us!" Hunter defends. "At least we tried."
"Without much success."
"You haven't done anything, so I don't think you have any room to talk."
"Guys, calm down," Trenton says, always the more reasonable one. By now though, he should know that when it comes to Hunter and Carter arguing, there isn't any use in trying to interfere. They argue all the time; it's just what brothers do. "I think we can all agree that this is Cayton's fault."
"My fault?" I ask incredulously. They all nod, obviously agreeing with Trenton that this is my fault. "How is this my fault?"
"You're the one who waited to tell her. And when you did, you scared the shit out of her by shifting in her room," Carter says.
"I had to! She thought I was crazy!"
"Maybe you could have let it sink in before doing that," Trenton says. Everyone starts adding their input about how I'm the one at fault. Really, you can't blame anyone and it pisses me off that they think it's my fault.
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Finally, I put my foot down. "That's enough!" Immediately, they all shut up. "Enough of who's to blame. It isn't going to solve anything. Tami, Hunter, Carter is right. You guys are her best friends. Go up there and talk to her. At least find out what she thinks."
I could do it myself, but I have a feeling I'm the last person she wants to see right now.
*
"Damn it!" I throw the pillow against the wall, before letting out a frustrated groan. I just had to look at Cayton, didn't I? See those freaking blue eyes, full of pain and longing.
It made me want to run straight to him and forget all of the problems. But I couldn't just let them go that easily, could I? I mean yes, it would be an easy solution to just give in and do exactly what my heart is telling me to do. But my brain reminds me that he hurt me.
He lied, kept secrets, and no once has he tried talking to me. Has he given up on me? Or is he just freaking clueless?
Let's be honest though, I'm beyond clueless. So there is no doubt he is too.
There's a soft knock on the door, and part of me desperately hopes that it's Cayton, coming up here to make everything ok. But the door opens and Hunter's head pokes in and my heart sinks just a fraction.
"Uh, can we talk?" he asks.
"Sure," I sigh. He steps in, along with Tami.
"Ok, I'm going to make this simple. I need you to be honest with me ok?" Tami says, standing at the foot of the bed in front of me and crossing her arms.
"Ok..."
"What are you thinking right now?"
"What do you mean?"
"What are you thinking right now about all of this?" she presses.
"I... don't know?"
"You do know, or else you wouldn't be avoiding everyone."
"I'm not avoiding anyone! I just have nothing to say."
"Ok, let's try this. Pretend Hunter is Cayton. What would you say to him?" She grabs Hunter's sleeve and pulls him next to her.
"I-"
"Just try it."
What would I say? Ok, pretend he's Cayton... Let your heart out.
"I would say that, I'm upset with you. It hurts that you would keep a secret from me. It hurts that you sent Hunter and Tami up here to talk to me instead of coming up here yourself," I say.
"Do you want to leave?" Hunter asks.
"What?" Tami and I ask at the same time.
"Do you want to leave?" he repeats.
That's a good question. Do I want to leave? I don't-
"I-" I start to say something, until the door opens up.
"Well, do you?" Cayton asks. He's asking me if I want to leave?
"Why, do you want me to?" I ask, hating how my voice suddenly gets shaky, like I'm about to cry. I won't cry over this though. Tears start brimming my eyes when Cayton's face goes hard, void of any emotion.
I pace back and forth outside of Macy's door, listening to her talk to Tami and Hunter.
"Ok, let's try this. Pretend Hunter is Cayton. What would you say to him?" Tami says.
"I-"
"Just try it," Tami interjects. I contemplate going in there and letting her tell me what she's really thinking, but the fear that she will just shut me out stops me. We will probably find out more this way.
"I would say that, I'm upset with you. It hurts that you would keep a secret from me. It hurts that you sent Hunter and Tami up here to talk to me instead of coming up here yourself," she says.
The guilt starts eating away at me immediately.
I think we can all agree that I am a hopeless idiot.
I should have guessed. That's why she looked disappointed in me. It's because I hurt her. It wasn't intentional, but the thought of hurting her tears a hole in my heart. So yes, I am an idiot.
"Do you want to leave?" Hunter suddenly asks. That catches my attention. She wouldn't leave me, would she? I know I screwed up, but that can be fixed. It might take time, but it can be fixed. She wouldn't leave. At least, I hope she won't.
"What?" Macy and Tami say at the same time.
"Do you want to leave?" Hunter repeats.
If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it was never truly yours.
My mother used to say this all the time. Of course, back then she used it to refer with toys and pets I never really wanted to part with.
If I let Macy go, or at least gave her that option, would she take it? There isn't doubt in my mind that I do love her, but what good is keeping her if the feelings aren't returned?
The idea of letting her leave has my wolf growling at me. He refuses to let her go, but frankly, it isn't his choice. It isn't mine either. If Macy wants to leave, it's her choice.
After everything I've gone through to keep her here, I say sardonically in my head. Despite that, I open the door.
"Well, do you?" All three of there faces are staring at me in shock. Tami and Hunter try to talk to me through the mind link, but I block them out.
"Why, do you want me to?" Macy asks, her voice shaky as it always is before she's about to cry. It almost breaks me.
"It's up to you. If you want to leave, I won't stop you." I hold open the door, and silently pray that she won't go.
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