It was annoying how Wendy would look at Kyle whenever they saw each other. She looked like she won something, the best prize in the world. It hurt watching Kyle and Kenny kiss, hug, hold hands, any physical gesture. The small comments they made to each other in class, the longing looks, Stan couldn't take it. He didn't want Kyle back, but he did, but he thought he wanted Wendy. It was too much to think about.

Stan laid on his roof Thursday night, bottle in hand. He looked up at the stars and frowned. He remembers the day Kyle came to him looking so broken. Kyle's family has come over and all the questions, the sly comments, the disappointed tics, favoritism to his cousins rather than him, his mother yelling at him to act better when they were alone, it was all too much. Stan remembers seeing Sheila pull into the driveway and asking if Kyle had come here. Of course his mom said yes and Shelia came inside.

Kyle had began to panic and Stan led him to the roof, where nobody would expect them to be. Kyle let Stan hold him close, let him press gentle kisses to his forehead, and tell him that he was worth so much more than what everyone said. Did Kyle still believe it? It was still true, but did Stan cheating on him make him feel worthless? God he hopes not. Does his parents know? Probably not. If they did- well if Shelia did, she would come and raise hell for hurting her bubbe even though she treats him like shit as well.

Stan looked down at the bottle in his hand and his frown deepened, Kyle hated it when he drank. He would always climb through Kyle's window or call him over when he was. He would cry and whine about different things to Kyle, usually his parents, and before they started dating, Wendy. Kyle could never look Stan in the eyes when he was drunk. He would take care of him, tell him it would be okay, but never look at him.

When he sobered up he would hear an earful from Kyle, telling him how it wasn't good and self destructive. Stan knew this, he knew he was hurting himself, but never knew how much it hurt Kyle until one night. He had called Kyle drunk, just wanting to hear his voice, and he began to cry. Stan was confused, it was usually him crying while he was drunk. Why was Kyle crying? Stan did his best to comfort him, but his mind was too intoxicated.

So Stan had to listen to his boyfriend harshly sob and tell him how much he hated alcohol because of him. Stan won't lied he cried that day too, it hurt hearing Kyle cry and he couldn't be there to comfort him. Stan after that went sober for almost 6 months. Then Tolkien had a party and Stan was angry, sad, and everything else at once. So he had a shot, and another, then another, next thing he knew he was laying his head tiredly on Kyle's lap in his bed.

Kyle cried so much because of him, yet Stan was selfish and continued to hurt Kyle. Stan wishes he could take every argument back, everything he did back. One last glance at the bottle in his hand and he threw it. He watched as it went into the street and smashed, he watched a million shards of glass go everywhere. Stan sighed and curled in on himself. He didn't realize he was crying until a gust of wind made his face feel like it was a piece of ice. Stan sighed, hoping and praying that these feelings would go away. He felt guilty, sad, empty, like a major chunk of him had gone missing. Being with Wendy didn't feel right, it didn't feel good like it did when he was with Kyle. She didn't make Stan feel whole.

Stan just wanted to feel whole again.