I'm glad I changed my address with the post office. Today I got another card. I haven't opened it yet.

Mom's here, asking me about my recent date. Yes, I went on a date. I did promise Sam, that I'd try.

"It was fine mom. He's friendly." I say, forcing my hands to stay still on the table. If she finds out about the card, she'll ask million questions.

"But?"

"Nothing. We had nothing to talk. So we left." I fiddled with the newspaper. I can't wait to find out what the card reads. I can't wait to smell his scent. It's been too long.

"You're not trying!!!" She's saying this for as long as I can remember.

"Where's Lydi?" I change the subject.

"Don't change the subject."

"I tried mom, I really did. After I removed my glasses to rub my eyes, the conversation wilted." Stupidly I tell her the truth.

"I knew it. You purposely did it. Didn't you?" She cries.

"What if I did? He couldn't see me and talk, how could we possibly date?" I question her.

"Why don't you save it for third or fourth date? By then he'll be comfortable with you."

You're not comfortable even after twenty-three years.

"Can't do. If he doesn't like me then, I would have wasted three dates." I'm mangling the newspaper in frustration. I shouldn't have started a fight with her, when I've a card to open.

"You're being stubborn for the sake of it. It's getting late. Bye." She huffs.

I sigh in relief. She hasn't stopped her daily morning visits even after I told her to. I cook now, it's a huge step. I'm very proud of it. Mom's worried that I'll burn down the building. She visits daily to make sure I'm alive.

I lock the door and carry the envelope to bedroom. I've been hoping for another one for months now.

I smile as I read,

I smell and the memories hit me hard. He had scented it again.

What does he do now? Why does he send cards and nothing else? This is second card, but I like to think that he is holding back. He'd send me daily if not.

When Lydi met him in Kelly's store, that's what she said about Sam.

"He's holding back, Erin. He looks at you like you're the best thing that happened since baked bread. He doesn't want you to know it."

I curled in her lap and asked, "tell me more."

"I was worried like mom, but you both were smiling and laughing and holding each other and sharing inside jokes... it was lovely. I always wanted that for you baby. Finally I got to see that. Finally I don't feel like I'm leaving you for Francis. I'm so so happy."

A drop hit my cheek. I wiped her eyes while she wiped mine. "More, tell about him."

"Tall, muscular, has a smile to die for. Has dimples too. Too cheeky, no shame."

I chuckled. "Why?"

"How can he ask me about your weenie? Scandalous, don't you think?"

I laughed. "Very much, mom would have burst on the spot. But you did well."

She ruffled my hair. "Of course. I'm no blushing maiden. Should I send him a picture of your weenie?"

"No, thanks. I'll show him myself. Tell me more, Lydi."

"He kept staring at you without realizing. It was cute. When I gave the invite, he was moved I think. He didn't expect it."

"So he likes me?"

"Yes, baby. As much as you do. Maybe even more. Or he is a very good actor with cunning mind and an elaborate plan to steal from you."

"He can steal all he wants." I said.

He's still stealing from me, my days and nights. My smiles and tears. I'm okay with it if he keeps sending me these cards.

What good is life, if you don't experience love? Sam gave me that experience, to feel the joy and pain of loving someone.

I've spent my teenage years wondering how it would be, to love someone. To experience that fluttering heart, the longing to be with someone.

I didn't get it, all through my school years I waited for it to happen. But sex happened, in some ways I wish it didn't.

Once a boy asked me if I wanted to blow him. I was sixteen and eager. I agreed. Once I was done blowing, he left me on my knees, all alone in the bathroom stall.

After that I held back. I didn't offer until I was offered first. I guess I followed the same policy in dating as well. I held back my warmth until it was offered to me first.

The guy today might have been nice to me, if I hadn't been rude to him. If I hadn't shown him my eyes, he might've kissed me. But hey, why would I do that?

All these guys have a benchmark. A benchmark set by Sam. If they don't reach it, they're rejected. I don't think I'll take anyone in his place even if someone did hit that benchmark. This is all to pass the time. To keep mom off my back.

To tell Sam, yes, I did date and no one compared to your charming character. No one was as lucky as you.