"Come on, Alfie, we're going to get caught!" Joe hurried Alfie as he was writing something in a stall in the woman's toilets while Joe was keeping watch. "Actually, if I get caught,does that mean I don't have to go on a French exchange?"

"Just shut up and keep guard alright? I can't hurry art, and this is my Sistine Chapel." Alfie shushed. Joe looked at what Alfie had written and it said this:

"Why are you doing this?" Joe asked. "Uh, revenge. You've seen the gents'. It's got Pickwell's name all over it" Alfie replied. "It's go your name all over it." Joe corrected. "She's the only person in this school that hates me enough to write these mean things." Alfie said ignoring Joe's last comment. "What about your weird feet?"

"They're not weird they're just... flat... and slightly webbed." Alfie replied. "Is that why you have to wear special shoes?" Joe asked. "You lot are just jealous because I'm evolving quicker. When the ice caps melt, I will be swimming to safety like Kevin Costner in Waterworld." Alfie bragged. "What waterworld?" Joe asked. "What's Waterworld?" Alfie repeated "you haven't seen Waterworld? Oh, Jesus."

Joe rolled his eyes and went to see if someone was coming. She saw Pickwell talking to Frank Grayson. "Give me that you little tart" she ordered as he gave her a bottle of cider he had stashed in his blazer. "Right, off you go. Leave!" She yelled. "She's coming!" Joe yelled. "Shit! Hide!" Alfie yelled. "There's no way out!"

"The ventilation shaft!"

"How?"

"Haven't you seen Die Hard?"

"It's and 18"

"What? First Waterworld and now this. What do they teach you people?" Alfie sighed. They heard Pickwell coming so they hid in a cubical and stood on top of the toilet. Pickwell went into the he stall that Alfie had just written in and poured the cider down the toilet, but the way she was standing made it look like she was peeing like a man. "I told you she had a wang" Alfie whispered. Joe then slipped and hit the cubical wall. "Everything alright in there?" Pickwell asked. "Do a noise." Alfie whispered. "Like what?"

"A girl having a crap."

Joe made a high pitched noise then Alfie made a sound like shit hitting water. "Pathetic." Pickwell said as she read what Alfie had wrote. She took out a marker and put an apostrophe in between the "L" and "S" of "Pickwells" and left.

"Yippie-Ki-yay, mother fu- you wouldn't get it" Alfie sighed as they left the toilets. Then Grayson and his friends came towards them as Grayson took photos and chuckling. "Here's Dick and dick" he said. "Well, that's actually a compliment, because they won two children's BAFTA's. What's this?" Alfie replied. "Taking a photo of you two butt nuggets leaving the ladies. I'm twitt-picking that shit" Grayson replied snapping his fingers. "Don't be a dick." Alfie said. "Chill out, flippers."

"Someone's been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see." Alfie said. "That's my graffiti, innit?" He replied. "Wow, covering for her. I'm surprised. You're many things, Grayson, but I didn't think you could be bought."

"Shut up jumper"

"Jumper?"

"Yeah you're wearing a jumper, and jumpers are bent mate."

"This is not bent this is Dries van Noten. Marvin from JLS rocked one of these on The One Show." Alfie replied. "Just delete the photo." Joe spoke. "Shut up chicken dipper" Grayson replied. "Please?"

"And what if I don't?"

Katie was walking towards her first class when she saw this, she was eavesdropping the whole time, so she snuck up behind Grayson. "Or I'll make you regret it!" She threatened crossing her arms, making him jump a little. "Tell you what, I'll delete the photo if you do me a favour." Grayson said clearly afraid. "I did all I can do" Katie raised her hands and left.

Alfie handed Grayson a bottle of cider that he bought as the favour. "Change." Grayson ordered. "But it was my money" Alfie replied. He just glared, Alfie gave him the change. "And the rest."

Alfie sighed and gave him the rest. "Prick" Grayson mumbled as he left with his friends. "That went well" Joe added.

Fraser said random things in French as Alfie approached him in the halls "Brie." He finished. "Look, about the French exchange, please don't send Joe, he really doesn't want to go." Alfie said. "He hates France, I was thinking, maybe you could send a Francophile."

"Why would we send the P.E teacher?" Fraser asked. "No someone who loves France. Why are all these parents here too?" He asked. "What's with all the questions? And I on Mastermind? If I am, chided specialist subject, classical banter, 6th of the 9th '73 to present day-" Fraser began as Alfie tried to cut him off "I've started so I'll finish. The MILF brigade are in a bit of a tizz about the impending "arrivay" of the French exchange. After last years little debacle, this year, the parents don't want their kids getting pregnant. Frigid! So to quash any menopausal mayhem, you have done the assembly on PSHE, haven't you?"

"Yeah, well I let Stephen do it, he's into drama and stuff." Alfie replied. "He's doing a presentation on gender equality."

The stage lit up, showing Stephen, dresses as a girl standing with Chantelle, Katie and another girl, all dressed up ready for a dance. They did their dance:

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

(Katie is the girl in the pink top)

Mitchell and RemDogg were staring at Katie the whole time, which just made her dance harder (more into it)

At the end the girls walked towards the changing rooms and they saw that their shorts said things in the butts of them. The other student's one said "juicy" Katie's said "sexy" and Chantelle's said "slut"

"Those aren't normally allowed." Fraser informed. "It's shocking" a mother spoke. "I'll have her out of those in no time. Okay, that didn't come out right."

They were all arguing as the girls and Stephen went to change. "Alright?" Mitchell greeted Katie, he and RemDogg were waiting for her at the door of the changing rooms after they changed. "Hey, what did you think?" She asked. "Great!" Mitchell complimented. "Fit!" RemDogg added. "Thanks, I guess" she laughed. "Katie, can you help me a second?" Chantelle shouted from the changing rooms. "A best friend's work is never done" Katie laughed and went back into the changing rooms. "Meet me in class!" She added.

"Perhaps some parents might like to sit in on a class." Fraser suggested. "Mr Wickers, you'd be happy with that, wouldn't you?" Pickwell interrupted. "Uh, yeah, sure, yeah, cool. Share the knowledge, feel the force. I'm like a sex...Yoda. Many times done it I have." Alfie replied. "Top-notch Jedi banter" Fraser laughed.

Alfie was sitting on his desk, he seemed very uncomfortable trying to talk about sex with Chantelle looking at him, chewing her pen seductively.

"Acts, 15:20. 'And Moses did write to them, telling them to abstain from sexual immorality and from the meat of strangled animals'" Pickwell read from the Bible. "That's funny miss. Bet you'd like to strangle the meat of your animal." Grayson joked. "Shut up Grayson." Pickwell ordered.

"Sex was invented by the Romans." Alfie began. "How did the people before the Romans have kids then? Bellend" Katie commented. "It's been around longer than that condom you got in your back pocket"

RemDogg and Mitchell laughed along with her.

"I give up I don't know how to do it." Alfie groaned. "Sir, why don't you just draw a frogs dick on the board, so that Joe knows what he'll be sucking on next week" Mitchell said which made RemDogg and Katie laugh. "You're and idiot. Look, Joe, you never know, you might enjoy it." Alfie said. "What? Sucking a frogs dick?" Katie asked. "You know that's not what I meant!"

"I'd rather shit in my hand and clap." RemDogg joked. "Sir, why is it only me that has to go to a French farm to stay with a bunch of freaks?" Joe asked. "Not all farmers are freaks. Alex James. He's in Blur." Alfie replied. "But they sent me cheese through the post."

"There you are thats lovely."

"It's probably made from the farmers wife's tit milk" Mitchell laughed. "Don't be stupid" Alfie replied. "They do that I've read it in Nutz!" Mitchell commented. "What?" Joe asked. "Yeah, and you're gonna have to wank off a cow" RemDogg added. "Why on earth would he do that?" Alfie asked. "To get milk you pagan."

"You genuinely thing that's where milk comes from?"

He and Mitchell both nodded their heads. "Look, France isn't that bad. They've got loads of cool stuff. Like skiing and... poirot."

"[in Chinese] he's Belgian, you moron." Jing commented. "Poirot, Jing, he was a fictional detective created by Agatha Christine, you know, murder on the orient express. Don't worry they murder an American. Not one of yours." Alfie said. "She said 'he's Belgian, you moron'" Katie informed. "Don't be silly Katie, Poirot is not Belgian." Alfie replied. "I can't believe you've actually read a book." Jing said to Alfie. "Book? I watched the TV shows."

"Okay let's do this remember it's all anonymous, so you have nothing to worry about." He said and took a price of paper from RemDoggs hat. "Should I stop strangling when their lips go blue?" He read. "I'm not even going to answer that one Mitchell"

"Sir!" Mitchell complained. Katie, jokingly shuffled her seat away from Mitchell and made him laugh.

"Will any of the French exchange boys be on Grindr?" He red another. "I don't know Stephen."

"Lucky dip then." Stephen said. "Is it too much to ask to have a serious one?"

He read another saying "he's 23, I'm 15, what would it feel like. Illegal! Chantelle!"

"One more." He opened another. "How do I tell him I'm in love with him?" He read "there we go that's serious! Whoever wrote this I'm proud of you! You should just tell him, you need to be confident." Alfie gave the advice to the anonymous writer. "What if they've tried that?" Katie asked. "Then just try again? I don't know" Alfie replied. "You're not very good at this are you" she laughed. "Did you write that?" Mitchell asked. "No, Chantelle probably wrote two, obviously both are about sir." She replied.

Alfie looked for a book on basic sex education in the library and read it. "Oh" Rosie said as she sat down next to him. "I've just had the best sex ed class. It was so honest. We had this big discussion about losing your virginity, and Jason Stevens admitted he was still a virgin."

"That's good!" Alfie laughed loudly. "It wasn't a joke Alfie. It was heartfelt and moving. What book are you reading?"

"Oh just-"

"Oh I've read this, it's really good for the basics."

"Yeah I didn't really need it I just in class earlier sort of messed up a diagram of a penis. I mean the one of the woman's Uh..."

"Vagina?"

"Yeah, vajuja, I mean that was good, cause I've obviously seen loads of them."

"If you're teaching the phallus, you should know your own, how do you think your class can understand their bodies if you don't understand your own? You don't need that, just study your own."

"Yeah? You're right, I don't need this shitty book." he threw it and it hit Fraser who was on the floor, he said he was doing some sort of exercise but he was really waiting for a book, but he was embarrassed by it. He then left awkwardly.

Alfie then tried to get someone to pretend to be gay for his sex ed class. "Sir, after a good deal of soul searching and a powerful self-discovery, I've come to the conclusion that I am gay." Stephen said. "That's lovely Stephen but what we need here is a surprise." Alfie replied. "I'll kiss a girl, I don't care." Katie spoke. "Yes bruv!" Mitchell snapped his fingers and pointed to her. "We don't need to go that far Katie." Alfie added. "Joe?"

He, after a while somehow convinced Joe to do it. "Ugh, that's the French exchange" Joe groaned and everyone ran towards the approaching coach full of French exchange students.

Katie eavesdropped on Alfie and Frasers conversation. "Hoogaveen is in Holland, sir." She informed Fraser. "Jesus, man you teach Geography." Pickwell mumbled.

A very attractive boy care off the bus wearing all white. "Mitchell, get the trap I found a mouse!" Katie said holding onto Mitchell's arm and he laughed.

"Omg, get that boy to the wheelie bins now." Chantelle said. "Shut up you slag he's well bent ain't he Stephen?" Mitchell added. "Well if he isn't I'll bend him." He replied. Katie faked throwing up and walked to the other side of Mitchell, further from Stephen, in between him and RemDogg.

Alfie was making a fool of himself in the sex ed class. "What's a gitterish?" A student asked. "No what's a MILF?" Mitchell asked. "That, I friend is a mother I'd like to-" Hoogaveen, as Alfie called him, began.

"Fondle!" Alfie interrupted. "It's mother I'd like to fuck." Katie whispered to Mitchell.

"I'm gay" Joe lies unhappily. "You owe me 50 quid Rem." Katie told RemDogg and he sighed. "I'm not actually gay! Alfie made me be gay for him." Joe said and made things worse.

Michell then laughed and showed everyone his phone. "Yeah look! Grayson just sent Mitchell a pic of them two leaving the ladies together!" he yelled. "I bought him cider!" Alfie said.

After a while things got more out of hand everyone was asking questions about wether or not me Wickers was a virgin.

"Leave me alone Hoogaveen!"

"I haven't! I had a girlfriend for a long time she wanted to save herself."

Mitchell, RemDogg and Katie tried to hold in their laughter. "What is a glitterish?" The student asked.

"See you tomorrow Rem!" Katie yelled as his mum had picked him up. She and Mitchell usually walked home together as they lived close to each other. They walked to school a lot together too.

𝔼𝕟𝕕 𝕆𝕗 𝔼𝕡𝕚𝕤𝕠𝕕𝕖