Author's note

I've always included physical intimacy in my stories, some more than others. In adaptations of classic works quite a number of readers do not appreciate it, so I have decided to try and find a compromise. This chapter contains an attempt to avoid adult content but not skip or overly romanticise physical intimacy. I'm very interested in your opinion, is my description of the wedding night adult material, or have I censored to the satisfaction of the general public?

Chapter 5

My white gown was delivered in time and fit perfectly, and when I entered Edward's room wearing it he took my right hand in both his and kissed it reverently. I had let Sophie do my hair despite the painful memories, but not elaborately, just a little less prim than my usual Quaker style.

Edward looked fine, his waistcoat was beautiful over a pristine white shirt, and it did not hinder or pain him at all; he wore a pair of the loose trousers of his sickbed with it, but starched and ironed until it looked almost formal.

Of course there were nerves, how could there not be after what happened last time? But Edward did not try to deny my fears, this time he expressed his understanding, tried to soothe them as best he could, and yes, admitted to his own.

'I feel horrible, Jane, everything reminds me of my betrayal of you, and God, I'm still so afraid to be punished, I feel I have no right to be happy, I didn't suffer enough to make up for my crimes.'

Frankly, I was stunned. For nearly two weeks now, I had seen him tortured with excruciating pain, it was lessening, but he was still suffering for his courage to try to save the woman who had made his life Hell on earth. How could he expect to suffer more? As always, the need of a fellow creature brings out the best in us, and I managed to set my own fears aside to try and calm my beloved.

We sat in silence all the way to church, where we stood side by side, seeking support from the other, Edward as much as myself.

But of course, nothing untoward happened, and we spoke our vows and were married without mishap. We had kissed before, but nothing compared to that moment of release, we were finally one; from now on we had the right to be together forever, we might share everything, no person in the whole world was closer to either of us than the other.

There was no need for words, we went back to the carriage hand in hand; sat in silence until we arrived at Thornfield. We accepted congratulations from the staff, and from Miller, then we retreated to Edward's bedroom and sat on the bed together for several moments; the trip to church and the anxiety had worn him out, and there was Miller's treatment still to come, so I thought to help my beloved into his loose shirt, then let him sleep for an hour.

I took his waistcoat off him and put it away, then started on the buttons of his shirt. But suddenly, I was no longer aiding a wounded man, I was undressing my husband, and my hands started to explore what had been forbidden for me to touch. I stroked the soft hair under his shirt, feeling my beloved shudder beneath me.

Quickly but carefully, I pulled the shirt over his head as I had seen him do that one night, his broad chest no longer the object of my worries, but of my passion. Finally I was allowed to touch it with desire, and I explored every inch of it, all my senses overwhelmed by love and yes, by lust.

And did Edward allow me to do all that without reciprocating? To be honest, he did, his eyes were shooting fire, but the rest of him was quiet, too quiet. I had expected him to start on my buttons again, was hoping he would. But wait, was he breathing a shade too heavily? Had the morning been too much for him? I stopped my caresses and looked my question.

'I am pretty tired, love, and in conflict with myself. I so want to caress you, and kiss and feel you, but I'm sure I'd lose control over my urges. You know I'm wild; if I lose it I'll hurt myself, but most of all, I'll hurt you.'

'You could never hurt me, dear Edward, but I suppose you know what's coming. What do you want me to do? Just lie against you and let you sleep for an hour or so?'

He seemed to come to some decision and said, 'No, please go on, I've wanted you to touch me for so long. But with your permission I'll control myself until I'm wide awake; and if I fall asleep, please forgive me, dear Jane, the morning was harder on me than I expected. Memories kept coming, my conscience nagged me incessantly, and I was so afraid your cousin would step up and forbid the marriage. That would have killed me.'

Would I ever see the passionate, dominant wild man again that I had fallen for? Or had my Edward's spirit been broken? He suggested he was suppressing his wild side, but right now he seemed nothing so much as tame and listless. I decided to just give him some time, maybe the ferocious creature would come back; maybe I should take to calling him master again, to build him up, though I knew I shouldn't, and besides, what difference did one word make?

Still, he relished my tender touch on his powerful chest, and powerful it was; even after his ordeal he still sported heavy muscles on his arms and abdomen, covered with very little fat. Instead of arousing him, my caresses relaxed him and he slowly gave himself up to sleep. When he slept, I got my book and snuggled against him, planning to read for an hour until it was time for his treatment.

A knock on the door awoke me, it was Miller, feeling understandably embarrassed.

'I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mrs Rochester...'

I could not repress a broad smile at his delicate reminder of my newly married state, though I was a bit displeased with myself for having fallen asleep when I was perfectly fine.

'Mrs Fairfax asks whether you would like to have dinner in the dining-room, she said she has countered the master's orders by having a special dinner prepared for the newly-weds. Your first decision as the mistress of the household lies before you, Mrs Rochester.'

That sounded almost like a challenge! From mild, kindly Miller? Had Mrs Fairfax told Miller how things usually worked in this house? How Edward ruled everything? Were the two of them in a plot to push me towards securing the territory I had seized from an invalid, now my husband? A look at Edward's hired nurse proved me right, they were. I supposed they had talked a lot the last ten days, Miller was an easy fellow to confide in, and Mrs Fairfax must have been very much shaken up.

'I think it's an excellent idea, if you have no objections to the strain he'll be under. But I'm sure you'd have told her, and me, if you thought it would harm your patient. Please tell her we'll be pleased to come down, or do you prefer I tell her myself?'

'I suppose Mr Rochester would not appreciate waking up to my presence instead of yours. You know I'm glad he doesn't hate me? Some of my patients do, Mrs Rochester. They avoid looking at me when I accidentally meet them in town, it can last for years. They cannot help it, I guess, I saw them at their worst, hurt them and in their eyes, humiliated them.'

'But you saved their lives, weren't they thankful?' I was stunned to hear this.

'I don't think they want to feel that way towards me, and I guess they're glad to be still alive or not to have lost a limb, but something inside them was damaged by what they went through. Your husband may have raged at me, and he may still fear my treatments, but he can separate the pain from my person. I admire him for his strength, and I admire you, for braving his wild rage to help him.

But as important as your courage, and his own, have been, there is more to come for your husband. He has been very secluded here, very safe if you wish. You may have noticed he drew back from the seamstress? I won't lie to you, Mrs Rochester, my task here is ending, but yours is just starting. When the pain recedes, he may regain his former dominance, his vitality, all by himself. But he will also need someone to help him face his fears of rejection by society.

No matter their rank or how forceful their natural character, everybody fears rejection and needs support to accept the damage that has been done; visible as Mr Rochester's, or invisible, as in other cases.

And you will need to watch yourself, too, you may want to give too much. He will not be helped by your giving in to his every whim, please do not go back to your old habits; stay firm and decisive. You will both thrive. If you ever feel a need to talk with someone unconnected to you, I'll leave you my home address. You may always contact me, I know you respect my expertise despite my being from a lower class.'

Well I certainly did, even more now.

'Thank you for your explanation, Miller. I assure you, I will not be an obedient underling anymore but a stable and self-assured wife. But I also realise situations may arise that I have no experience with, and you do. So I thank you for your offer of a listening ear and expert advice, though I hope I'll never need them.

I am sure you are much more than a doctor's help, Miller, have you never considered starting your own practice?'

A wry smile from the plain but very able man.

'I have, Mrs Rochester, and I'm still considering it. But I need the steady income for my family, and Dr Carter has been good to me, providing work and references. To set myself up as his competition would be a strange way to thank him.'

'Maybe you can become partners, he seems a very nice and able man as well.'

'He is, and doors open to him that would remain closed to me. Not everyone can overlook birth as well as you and your husband do.

Shall we wake him now? Have it over with?'

Several of the more superficial burns on Edward's scalp no longer needed attention, nor did most of the rest seem as painful today; but the worst two, in his face and on his left hand, caused him plenty of hurt.

I watched him this time, and though his face grimaced while he suffered, it cleared immediately afterwards, revealing an excellent mood. He spoke to Miller very familiarly, and without the slightest reproach, rather with respect and appreciation.

'You see before you a very happy man, Miller, I feel much better, I think my lungs are indeed improving. I used to feel wrung out after lying flat for some time, but now I feel restored. Though that may be the prospect of my wedding-night still ahead, I suppose I won't know for certain until tomorrow.

'Mrs Fairfax will have dinner served in the dining-room, Edward,' I told him, 'she wanted to give us a little feast after all.'

Edward did look a little alarmed, this really needed to be done, or he'd become a recluse in his bedroom. I could see a task unfolding right in front of me, but did not fear it; I knew we'd come out stronger in the end.

'Great! I'll be glad to sit across my dear Jane as I did so very often, but as her husband now, allowed to feed her tidbits and kiss her between courses. You're not expecting me to dress for it, I presume? I'll need to be broken to starched collars and fitted coats again, I'm afraid, Miller here has spoiled me.'

'I do not, though I may take a little extra effort myself. I have my get my husband in the right mood for tonight, you see.'

His face fell, and he confronted his doubt head on.

'I may joke about it, Jane, but I'm worried. You're such a gentle maiden, and there is so much rage built up in me. What if I lose it and hurt you, my better half? What if I spoil what Miller has achieved? Tear my wounds open, ruin my hand forever?'

I was totally stunned, he was not suggesting we wait to seal our marriage until he was cured? That might take months! Miller didn't seem put out at all, not by the embarrassing honesty with which his employer talked in his presence, nor with Edward's suggestion he might turn into a raving monster.

'Mr Rochester, I suspect you're not the kind to just ignore staff, so I guess you must have meant me to hear your confession. Please believe me when I tell you with the greatest conviction you will not lose control and hurt your beloved wife, no matter how much fervour you've built up.

I've seen your rage, sir, and she has proven herself entirely capable of controlling it under the most difficult circumstances. Believe me, Mrs Rochester can handle anything you might throw at her. And thus she can keep you from hurting yourself. Also, pain is a stern mistress, if you transgress, you'll feel it before you damage anything.

There is a whole world out there for you to get re-acquainted with, and I know no-one more suitable to explore it with than your lady wife. But she needs you to be hers in all respects. I have great trust in you, Mr Rochester, as has your missus. If you don't trust yourself, will you trust us?'

Edward did not reply, though he seemed affected. Instead he addressed me.

'Do you feel the same, Jane?'

There was just one possible answer for me, Miller was right, I would not feel truly married until we had shared that which I had not been prepared to give the man I then called master.

Dinner was a feast, and to me a moment of triumph. I remembered those days when the room had been filled with noble guests, and I had felt excluded. Not from the guests, actually, just from my dear master. And now Edward was mine. The next time he'd meet those people, if he'd ever seek them out again, I would be on his side as the lady of the house, the people who had looked down on me would be our guests.

We sat and talked, and ate, and drank a little wine, until Edward admitted he wasn't comfortable anymore, after which we retired straight to the bed.

Slowly I started to lose my tension, though a certain excitement remained, grew actually. I stroked my dear Edward's cheek, and his very short black hair, and started on his buttons, eager to touch his bared chest again, and yes, also looking forward to seeing his passion unleashed. For I didn't think he could ever hurt me, or treat me without consideration.

And this time he caressed me right back, just with his right hand, but still it caused me to shiver with anticipation. I would let him take the lead again this once, he'd done this before, he knew what was coming, I'd be his follower one more time.

At least, that was what I thought, as he deftly unbound my hair with one hand, letting it fall over my shoulders. It was a very significant action, as if he released more than just my hair; this was the end of my years as plain, prim schoolma'am.

For a few moments we just held each other, but I really wanted to touch his bare skin again; I relieved him of his shirt and embraced him tightly. It was so good, so intimate, but I did not get much time to relish the feeling of my beloved in my arms, he was loosening my buttons faster than I thought possible with one hand; soon the top of my dress fell away, and he said huskily, 'Will you remove your corset yourself, Jane? I think I'll have to practise a little before I can do it with just one hand.'

Feeling a bit heated, I removed my corset, and now I felt bare, I did not have a little pelt of black hair, and Edward's eyes were intense. It did not last long, that feeling; I was taken in a close embrace, and I truly thought that feeling of skin against skin was the best thing that could happen to a girl, until my Edward asked, 'And now will you lie down for me? I should lift you and lay you down myself, but Miller would have my skin, and I have so little to spare.'

I did lie down for him, I had primed myself to follow his directions tonight, and this wasn't even unreasonable.

'I have to improvise, my love, I can't support myself with my other hand, I hope I'm not too heavy.'

With this husky comment my Edward straddled me, and he was indeed heavy, though I was sure he was bearing most of his weight on his own legs. It was not uncomfortable, but rather intimate, and soon his right hand started to stroke me all over. His hand relished my soft white skin; of course it ended up on my breasts, which caused me a deep shudder, and a flash of excitement.

I did my share of the stroking, too; I wanted him to kiss me, which he did, bending over me leaning on his one hand. But I could see his frustration growing, he was not free to act as he wished, his body restricted him, and he became rather angry.

'Blast it, Jane, I just can't do it! I want to do this right for you, but I cannot!'

I could still feel the touch of his hand on my breasts, I wanted him to do that again; he had turned away from me in anger, not directed against me, but nonetheless very ferocious for such an intimate moment.

I did not give up, I kissed his angry face, stroked his shoulders and his arms, kissing them as well, smelling him with relish. I was not very disappointed at his sulkiness, I was actually rather glad to see he still had his temper, I loved his quick moods, and I had an idea of how to be close and not overtax his strength. So I straddled him, sat right on top of him, my weight was nothing to him, then took his right hand and laid it back where I wanted it, on my breast.

This quieted his anger instantly, and I bent over him to kiss him and whisper, 'I think we'll be fine, my love, we'll think of a way to make it work. Can I undress you further? I want to see what all the fuss is about.'

'I'm sorry my love, you're right, there is always a way. Please do, Jane, I'll give myself up to you again, I've done it for almost two weeks now and I've never been happier in my life, despite agony and infirmity.'

And so I did remove his trousers and underwear, and explored what made a man different from a woman. My touch caused him to react as intensely as I had ever seen him, I felt him shudder, his eyes shooting fire once more, one hand on my shoulder, the other trying not to clutch anything.

'Beware Jane, you're making me wild! I'm only just holding on!'

He did look ferocious, but frankly, I wanted him wild, I didn't think he'd hurt me in his ardour. Still, I had promised to follow his lead and I wanted to please him, so I stopped what I was doing for an instant.

'Better come here, Jane, leave it for a moment. Will you take off the dress altogether?'

I did, and my underwear, I could see Edward was still fighting himself and I wished he would just let it go. We were married, weren't we? This was our wedding-night, why keep such a tight hold on his urges?

'What is the problem, my love? Why don't you just let go? Why fight it, dear Edward?'

'I want you to enjoy it, too, but I can't do that with just one arm. Never mind, you're right, we'll find a way. Will you let me touch you very intimately?'

Of course I would! And he stroked me as I just had stroked him, making me gasp with the strong feeling his caresses gave me. I could guess what was supposed to happen by now, and decided to just try to make it work. I wasn't afraid of his reaction at all and just straddled him again, sat right on top of him and felt the mixed sting and bliss of his entrance.

To me, this felt totally right, but beneath me, my beloved went mad.

He grabbed me with both hands and flipped me below him, covering me with his heavy torso. Air was pushed out of my lungs, and with abhorrence I could see Edward leaning on his left hand full force, the other gone from view. His face was beyond reason, he had truly lost it, and now something wild was in control, something I'd seen a hint of that night when he pleaded me to become one, become his mistress.