SPENCER

the opened blinds let the sunlight pour into my bedroom, covering my body in a feather light warmth that threatens to make sweat surface on my skin. but the sweat has already surfaced on my skin, but not from the sun. it's from the human furnace right beside me.

my nose tickles and i quickly realize that there's a teeny tiny body curled up under my arms, her hair all over my face and chest. she's still snoozing away, her lips parted and an amount of drool dripping from her mouth that would be considered too much. her beloved stuffed animal, a puppy named waffles, is tucked under her arm and resting on my stomach.

i reach my hand up and bat away one of the brown curls right under my nose, careful to not wake the grumpy little diva beside me. my next task is trying to pry her off of my arm without disturbing her, and she thankfully rolls onto her side and just curls up into a little ball, holding waffles to her chest.

i let out a sigh of relief, tip-toeing out of bed and out of my bedroom. it's just past seven in the morning so i head into the kitchen to make breakfast and coffee for myself. i go through the usual weekend actions of engraving the newspaper from the doormat and throwing laundry in the washer, and, of course, making breakfast.

once i've finished a cup of coffee and produced a dozen pancakes, i head back to my bedroom. she's still dead asleep, drooling onto my pillow instead of my chest now. but regardless, i sit on the edge of the bed and brush her hair behind her ear.

"daisy, it's time to wake up. i made breakfast," daisy tries to weakly push my hand away, bringing waffles up to cover her face, trying to stay asleep for even longer. it makes me laugh as i tug back the blanket from on top of her: "i know you wanna sleep, baby, but if i let you sleep too long then you won't sleep tonight."

"m'sleepy," she whines, wiggling herself forward so her head is on my lap.

"i'm sure you are. but remember, we said that we'd go to the park today, right? and if you sleep and sleep and sleep all day then you won't be able to play." i keep brushing her hair out of her face, pulling her completely into my lap so she's curled up on my chest again.

"but i wanted to try the monkey bars today," daisy pouts up at me, her sleepy eyes half closed.

"well, you still can! but only if you get out of bed and come have breakfast with me."

without giving her another chance to resist or change her mind, i stand, holding her in my arms like the baby i still see her as, and carry her into the kitchen. i've already set out a plate of pancakes for her and a bowl of water that i'm sure she will insist she has for waffles.

i set daisy down on the barstool and press a kiss to the top of her head before rounding to the other side of the table and sitting down. daisy sets waffles right in front of his bowl of water, and once she is content that waffles is content with his water, she picks up her little, red, plastic fork and knife and starts eating her pancakes.

"did you sleep well last night, bub?" daisy scrunches up her nose and shakes her head no, ducking her head as if she's hiding in her breakfast. "no? why not?"

"i had a bad dream," daisy pouts. "and that's why i came to sleep with you! but when i came in, you didn't wake up and i didn't want to wake you up and make you sleepy all day today! so i just snuggled you," she finishes her little monologue with a tiny shrug, shoving a piece of pancake in her mouth.

"daisy, sweetheart, don't ever feel bad about waking me up if you have a bad dream. i'll always wanna help you and make you feel better. and you know that i always wanna snuggle."

daisy giggles her adorable giggle and nods. "i know. daddy?"

"yes, my love?" i fold my hands on the table, watching her intently for her question or statement.

"when we go to the park today, can i wear my pink princess dress that aunt emily bought me? please?" she asks so politely and so nicely that i almost consider saying yes, just to reward her for her manners.

"mm, i don't think, love. it's getting really cold out now so you're gonna need to wear pants and a jacket and something other than sandals or flip flops."

i see the tears fill up in daisy's eyes immediately, her lips starting to quiver as she drops her utensils onto the table. "but daddy! i wanna wear my princess dress!"

the tantrum is inevitable, though they don't happen too much. i've worked hard, in the few years that daisy has been alive, to get her to communicate well so she doesn't need to scream and cry. she's done wonderfully with her communication skills, especially for a five year old, but sometimes when she's too tired or overwhelmed, her skills go out the window and she feels the only way to get what she wants or needs is to throw a tantrum. i can only assume her nightmare scared her so bad that she was up for a long time before crawling into bed with me, and she's getting upset because she's exhausted.

"daisy, can you tell me why you wanna wear your princess dress so bad?" tantrums are frustrating for everyone involved, but i always try to keep a level head and try to reason with her.

"because!"

"okay," i nod. "can you give me another reason why you wanna wear the dress?"

daisy sniffles, reaching her little hands up to wipe her cheeks. "because it's pretty! because auntie emily gave it to me!"

i stand from my seat and go to her, getting on my knees and wiping the tears that continue to fall. "those are good reasons, love. but it's really cold out and i don't want you to get sick if you're not all bundled up and warm. so how about this? when we go to the park, you wear your jacket and pants and shoes but when we come home, you can wear your princess dress. sound good? that way we both get what we want."

daisy thinks about it for a moment before she nods, sniffling still. "okay. thank you, daddy."

"and thank you for compromising. finish up your breakfast and then we can get ready to go."

we spend another half hour or so finishing up breakfast and getting dressed. i make sure daisy gets dressed in her blue puffer jacket and some sort of legging, and she decides to wear matching black converse with me. once she's all bundled up and i've tucked a hat and gloves into my satchel in case it's really cold out, and we head out of the house.

daisy keeps her hand in mine as we walk to the train, and she keeps trying to jump across entire slabs of pavement to land on the cracks. of course, her little legs never reach and she doesn't make it until i lift her up and help her hop from one to the next.

"okay, bubs," i say once the entrance to the metro is in my sight, "what happens if daddy gets off the train and you don't?"

"i get off at the next station and wait for you and if i see another mommy with kiddies or a policeman then i can ask for help." she recited the words i've told her so many times.

"and what happens if you get off the train and daddy doesn't?"

"then i wait at the station for you to come back for me and if i see a mommy with kiddies or a policeman then i can ask for help."

"good. thank you," confident that she knows what to do if something goes wrong on the train, i head into the crowded platform. i usually hold daisy in my arms on the train, especially if it's really crowded, but i'd rather be safe than sorry.

we get to the park without a problem and daisy is practically bursting at the seams. she's jumping around and tugging on my hand, demanding me to walk faster. the park is decently busy for it being a cold yet sunny saturday morning, and only a few other kids are playing on the playground. so i let daisy know which bench i'll be sitting on and i let her run off, and she immediately sprints towards the monkey bars.

i pull a book from my satchel and start reading, looking up every minute or so to make sure daisy is safe and in my eye-line. i've worked too many cases where kids go missing because a parent isn't paying attention and i'll be damned if that ever happens to me and my princess.

after about a half hour of being at the park, it's starting to get boring. for me, at least. daisy is being great and she's playing with the other kids like the angel she is, and i know that whenever i decide it's time to go, it won't end well. i guess the princess dress will become bribery.

"daddy! daddy!" daisy comes running back to me, nearly crashing into my legs when she doesn't slow herself down. "daddy!"

"what? is something wrong?" i set my book aside and take her into my lap, quickly checking for any sign of injury or tears.

"daddy! there's a lady sitting on a bench over there and her braids are so pretty and i wanna tell her because you always tell me that saying nice things to people makes them happy but you also told me not to talk to strangers so will you come with me to tell her? please!" she places her hands on my shoulders and tries to shake them, giving me her puppy eyes that always seem to make me melt.

"yes, i'll come with you. and thank you for coming to get me before you go to a stranger." i pick up my satchel and as soon as i'm on my feet, daisy is dragging me away with all her strength.

she leads me to the other side of the park and i easily catch sight of the "lady" she was talking about. but, at the sight of her, my breath is knocked out of my chest and i'm relying on daisy's tugging to make my feet move.

the "lady" is absolutely stunning, and she's doing nothing at all. she's sitting, typing on her laptop with her legs crossed and earbuds in. she's just working yet she looks so captivating. she's wearing a plaid pea coat with a matching skirt and a white blouse, and i quickly find myself wondering how she isn't freezing cold. and true to what daisy said, her long brown hair is partly in braids and partly curled.

"remember your manners, daisy," i remind her quietly once we get closer to the mystery woman.

we get right in front of her and she notices, probably from me blocking the sun in her face, and pulls out her earbuds. the woman smiles a smile that could win awards. "hi, there."

daisy clears her throat and tightens her grip on my hand. she's always eager to compliment strangers, but she's still working on being comfortable around them. "hi! i'm daisy and this is my daddy."

the lady lets out a little laugh. "hi, daisy. hi, dad."

"your hair is really pretty. i like your braids," daisy finally blurts out, and then her grip on my hand loosens just a bit.

the lady gasps, pressing a hand to her chest in surprise. "my hair is pretty? thank you so much! you know, i was just thinking about how gorgeous your curls are."

i look down just in time to see daisy's cheeks go pink as she presses her cheek into my leg, starting to hide behind my leg. "what do you say?" i prompt, reaching down to brush her hair back.

"thank you," daisy murmurs out, just her eyes peeking out from behind my leg. she looks up at me with a proud smile, though, beaming over her ability to make someone else happy.

"is that," she points to my satchel, or more specifically, the ratty stuffed dog hanging out of the side of my satchel, "your puppy?"

"mhm!" daisy nods furiously, reaching around me to tug the dog out of my bag. she holds it up for the woman to see and takes a step closer. "his name is waffles! my auntie penny got him for me when i was small."

"waffles is very cute," the woman reaches out and pets waffles' head the same way daisy always does. "and guess what! i have a dog who looks just like waffles!"

daisy gasps, her free hand flying up to cover her mouth. "really?"

"yeah, really!" then the woman turns her head to me, already pulling a leash out of her bag beside her. "dad, he's right over there. is it okay if i call him over?"

"yeah, yeah, it's fine," daisy squeals as the woman puts her fingers in her mouth and whistles, and after just a few minutes later, a golden doodle comes running over, barreling into the woman's legs and licking her hands.

"his name is blue."

daisy gasps yet again, reaching out and gently petting the dog's ear. as soon as her hand makes contact with fur, she squeals and turn towards me with one of the most excited expressions i've ever seen. daisy continues petting the dog until he lays down and relaxes. and the moment he does that, daisy plops down right in front of him and absolutely showers him in love and affection. blue gets so comfortable that he lays his head in daisy's lap and just lets her go to town.

"you can come sit, if you'd like," the woman says, placing her bag onto the ground and leaving room for me. i sit with a grateful smile, watching my daughter carefully as she very gently dotes over her new furry friend. "i'm celia, by the way."

"i'm spencer. now you won't have to keep calling me dad," i laugh nervously because now that i'm sitting closer to her, i can appreciate her beauty at a different level.

"your daughter is really adorable," celia compliments, "and she's being really gentle with blue."

"oh, thanks. she's just a really good kid. she's the best," daisy giggles as blue licks the back of her hand, bringing both of our gazes to her. "i hope we didn't interrupt anything. you seemed a little busy."

"oh no, you're totally fine. i was just writing some work emails. no big deal. and it's saturday! i shouldn't be working anyway," she shrugs her shoulder and tucks her laptop into her bag on the ground.

"and what do you do, if you don't mind me asking?"

"i work in fashion, actually," she puts on a proud smile. "i'm an editor and an art director and i do a whole lot of fun stuff."

"that sounds really cool. i don't know much about fashion as i'm sure you can probably tell by my outfit," i gesture to my slacks, converse, button up, and tie. "i've got a pretty lack luster wardrobe."

"no, no! i actually really like what you're wearing," celia giggles, inspecting my torn up converse for a second. "oh my gosh, you and daisy are wearing matching shoes," she pressing her hand to her chest and whining. "that's so adorable! okay, but back to what we were saying, what you're wearing is actually pretty on trend with casual male attire."

"hmm, i don't think i've ever been on trend with anything ever."

"and what do you do as a job, if you don't mind me asking?" she echos my previous questions turning to me and crossing her legs.

"well," i give her a nervous smile and glance down to where daisy is just very gently petting blue's head, "i'm a part time fbi agent and a part time professor of criminology at georgetown."

celia's eyes widen at this, her jaw falling open a bit. "oh my gosh! okay! you totally put my job to shame! that's so cool! can i ask more about working for the fbi or is it something you can't talk about?"

"oh yeah, it's fine. well, um, i've been working for the behavioral analysis until for over fifteen years. we're profilers, which means that we use psychology and human behavior to catch serial killers."

"spencer, that is so cool," my name slips off her tone so beautiful and with such magnificence that i don't even notice when she cringes. "well, not cool because they're serial killers and all but it just seems really interesting."

"no, no, i get what you mean. a lot of people say that actually. it is cool, in a way."

"daddy?" my head whips down to daisy, who's now laying down beside blue with her head on his stomach. "can blue come home with us so we can take a nap together?"

"i don't think so, bubs. blue has to go home with celia," i lean down and scoop daisy into my arms, letting her collapse against my chest with exhaustion. what exhausted her so much? i'm not sure, but at least there won't be too much complaining on the trek back home. "why don't you say goodbye to celia and blue and then we can get home and you can nap?"

"can i still wear my princess dress?" daisy pouts, wrapping her little arms around my neck.

"of course you can," i send celia a smile over daisy's shoulder and rub daisy's back. "say goodbye."

daisy only barely lifts her head. "bye blue. thank you for the pets. bye celia. your hair is really pretty."

"thank you, sweetheart," celia stands and leans in a little closer to the both of us. "it was really nice to meet you. i think blue really likes you. he doesn't lay down with just anyone," daisy beams proudly and drops her head against my shoulder. "and, um," celia looks back to me now and returns my nervous smile, "well, maybe, if i had your number then we could arrange a day for daisy and blue to play again."

she's asking for my number? in a super smooth way that's not overwhelming? in a way that wouldn't make me feel bad for saying no? but why in the world would i say no?

i deserve happiness, right? i've been cooped up in my apartment with daisy since she was born and my non-existent social life got even smaller. i go to work, to daycare, to work, to the nanny, then home, and then back to work. that's all i ever do. i don't get to meet anyone outside of the people i see at work and my students. why shouldn't i get celia's number? she's nice and doesn't think i'm weird and likes my job and thinks my daughter is adorable and i haven't seen any red flags, so why not? the worst that could happen is that it doesn't work out and i try again later to connect with another woman.

"yeah," i nod quickly, "that sounds good. um, i can't really reach my phone right now though-"

"right, right," celia laughs, crouching down to grab her phone from her bag. i tell her my phone number and she enters my name, saving the contact. "okay," she tucks her phone away and grabs blue's leash, "it was really lovely to meet both of you, and i'm sure blue feels the same. i'll text you soon, spencer?"

"please do," daisy starts waving her little wave, rubbing her eyes with her other hand. celia pouts at daisy's exhausted body, returning her wave. "i'll see you soon. thank you for spending time with us."

"bye, you two," celia gives me one more smile before i turn on my heel and head back towards the train. the smile on my face is bigger than it has been in as long as i can remember as i avoid brushing by strangers and keep adjusting my hold on daisy.

"daddy?" daisy murmurs quietly. "do you have a crush on celia?"

my eyebrows shoot up. "a crush? how do you know what that is?"

"a crush! like auntie penny has a crush on uncle luke. do you have a crush on celia?"

"maybe," i tell her, turning into the train station. "but don't tell her that if you see her again."

"i wanna see blue again. he's really cute." her tired little voice makes me laugh, and a smile comes to her face when her head is moved by my chest. "i want a puppy. daddy? can we get a puppy?"

i stop on the platform and wait for the train, letting a heavy sigh fall from my lips. "maybe we'll have one in the future."