"set the camera to landscape mode, get as close to the camera as possible, blah blah blah i know!" i complain while watching the first video that pops up. "what do i SAY?" i lean my head back against the wall. this is exhausting.

i decided on a whim that i'm going to audition for tommy's love or host. i researched the topic more and i can tell that most of the people that participate are famous streamers, content creators, or twitter celebrities. it's way more likely than not that they won't even consider letting me on the show. but hey, it's worth a try.

i sigh and get up off of the floor. i can think about this later, right now i'm leaving lindsay waiting.

i walk slowly back to lindsay's room and think about how i can set myself apart from the other girls auditioning. i rarely play video games, and when i do play games i don't tell anyone, i don't stream, and i don't have a large following. i enter lindsay's room quietly and sit down next to her on the bed.

"are you okay?" she asks, exiting out of instagram.

"yeah, just been thinking," i reply.

"about..?"

"love or host. it seems really cool, i'm interested in it. i want to get to know about it more so i understand it if we watch it," i half-lie. i am interested in it, but i want to know about it so i have a greater chance of getting on.

"hmm..." lindsay scratches the tip of her nose gently, deep in thought. "well, majority of the girls that get on are relatively popular streamers. whether they choose host or not, they definitely audition to somewhat get their name out there. they used to have regulars that went on practically every show, such as minx, but they got rid of that to give everyone a shot at being on the show."

i figured that much out already.

"who do you think will be on tommy's love or host?" lindsay stifles a laugh.

"definitely no americans. he hates americans," she says through a fit of giggles. my heart drops.

"really?"

"yeah. no idea why, must be because he's british. he's had this bit since he was about sixteen. he used to talk about how he hates women, but now it's just americans."

my stomach starts churning. if my chances of getting on were slim at first, all hope is completely out the window now.

"why are you asking so many questions?" lindsay leans in and smirks.

"because i'm curious," i say, pushing her forehead with my pointer finger, backing her away.

some hours later, lindsay is fast asleep in her bed, and i'm laying on a mattress on the floor wide awake. it's a tranquil night, but my head is utter chaos. i know what lindsay said. i'm an american woman who does not have a big gaming platform. why would tommy choose me? better yet, why would i get on the show at all?

the next day, i get home and try to figure out how to do this video audition. it's saturday, auditions are due tomorrow. i figure i'll send in a video, and also join the casting call.

the casting call is streamed live on twitch, so i can only hope and pray lindsay doesn't tune in to it.

i quickly scribble down a few things i want to say during the video. @getonaustinshow on twitter says to say who you are and what makes you interesting, why you are interested in the guest, photos of yourself, and anything else that might be of interest. i scroll through the twitter account a bit more and realize i have to do a lot more than send out an audition and possibly do a live interview.

first, i have to fill out a google form. then, i have to dm this application. and if they like me, they'll do a live interview with me on twitch. i sigh and click on the form to fill out.

but the first question is "what is your twitch handle?"

shoot.

what am i supposed to do now? i don't have a twitch. and even if i made an account right now, i can't become a streamer and get thousands of followers within 24 hours. i sigh and download the twitch app, quickly creating an account.

they never said i had to be a big creator and have followers. just have an account.

so my form ended up looking a little like this:

neonxgravestone

here we go.

looks like it's time to make the video.

i look at the things i wrote on the piece of paper and dig my nails into my palm.

i should just give up now. i'm not getting on this show.

i shake my head. with that attitude? of course i won't get on. but i got this.

i walk over to my closet and contemplate what to wear. after about five minutes, i come up with this:

not too casual, but not too formal either. i think it'll work.

i sit in front of my pc and turn on the camera.

"here goes nothing." i look at myself and sigh, then start recording.

"hello!" i say joyfully, waving my hand. "my name is valerie amelie davis, i'm eighteen years old, a senior in high school, i live in los angeles california, and i'm interested in being on tommyinnit's love or host on january 29th."

talking in front of the camera is a lot easier than i thought it would be.

"i would love to be on love or host and show that you don't have to have a large following to accomplish great things. i mean, here i am, auditioning for this love or host, and i don't have any twitch followers, and barely any twitter followers. i'm simply just... a girl who's interested in joining."

"it's funny, i never watched tommy before. i only found out about him yesterday after my friend lost her mind when she saw that tommy was going to be on love or host. she showed me one of his streams so i could understand the hype, and i was hooked from the start. tommy is really cool, funny, handsome, and i'd love to get the chance to try and win this show." i smile brightly.

"oh! and a few fun facts about me. okay... so i don't play video games very often, but when i do, i love playing minecraft and genshin impact. i've had accounts to those games practically since they came out. i'm an only child, and basically live alone because both of my parents work full-time to provide for us. i'm thinking about majoring in criminology because i love forensics and it interests me a lot. thanks, criminal minds!" i laugh quietly at my joke.

"so yeah! i think that's all. thank you so much for taking the time to watch this video. seriously, it means a lot that you're even considering letting me on. i hope you have a great rest of your day!" i wave goodbye to the camera and stop recording.

"i can't believe i did that all in one try," i breathe quietly to myself.

i fill out the application further, linking the video, and linking my instagram as my most popular social media account. i use instagram a lot more than twitter, and have gained about 3,000 followers, mostly friends and random people that like my aesthetic. then for the pictures, i scroll through my instagram and link some of my favorite pictures of myself:

i close my eyes, and hit submit.

when i open my eyes again, i'm greeted with a screen thanking me for my response.

and now i wait.